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Feeling..

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Catch44 posted 11/13/2017 12:12 PM

I am feeling so many emotions today.

I am sad. About what is happening to my family. That my WW is full of anger. That we don't spend time together. That my DD is going off the rails and almost mimicking her mother. My DS's are affected differently. I am sad that my relationship with WW is so sucky. That she invested in a legal process. I am sad at the disconnect between us. I am sad that I can't trust her.

I am fearful. I am worried about the future. Finances. The kids. That WW can lie so well that I am blindsided. That any kindness I see now isn't a desire for reconciliation but just more of the same. I am fearful that there is no coming back from this. I am fearful that I will not find love. That I will be alone. I am afraid to post about the sales rep below, but if that is a secret then who am I? I am afraid my WW will read this an be angry. But I need to end the codependancy and WW isn't invested in this marriage anymore so the anger is control but not justified. No? I don't think I am rewriting history?!

I am lonely. I miss WW. I miss sitting across from each other and touching feet while reading. It is sad that she heads downstairs to be alone rather than talk to me. My buddies and family have been good this week about contacting me. Another buddy just texted this morning. But I still feel lonely. Not alone, but lonely.

I feel guilty. My buddy this morning has said to "walk away", "literally". A couple of days after my WW called me a Motherfucker and was going to go for Pubnight, ... A BS sales rep came in and I asked if she would like to share a bottle of wine some time. She said yes. That felt pretty good.
I feel guilty. At what point am I an MH? Can I be "just be friends" for a while? After 4 PA's, and multiple f$%ks over 2 years, what is my obilgation to WW? I don't want to be a WS. What does that look like? I have a Christian perspective on it, but look forward to the opinions of those who aren't as to what would be hypocritical of me at this point?! I just don't know what to think. I don't think that I am rewriting history as much as finally accepting it.
This frustrates me because my WW has stated she wants a full year separation from Sept 28th. I feel this is unreasonable control and manipulation. She also keeps her rings on. We went to church as a family this weekend.
My family just doesn't want me to "commit adultery". They feel WW is trying to crush me. Another buddy is adamant that I be divorced before dating. I feel that keeping me in "the game" on legal technicalities is BS. She runs off downstairs when we could be together, has lawyer'd up, lies about going out to the Pub...
WW had a couple of affairs while we were "separated" before. A mediator drew up a "rules to live by" as we did an in house separation. It was not legal but it gave her justification to pursue her AP#1 I suppose. I don't know. I feel she just wants to be able to say I am no different.


I am glad (thankful).
For SI. Friends and family. God's help and kindness.


Aaaah, I do feel better.


Want2BHappyAgain posted 11/13/2017 12:34 PM

I just wanted to let you know you have been heard (((HUGS))).

Here's to you have POSITIVE feelings in the future dear Sir .

thatbpguy posted 11/13/2017 12:39 PM

I just wanted to make a few small comments...

As to your kids, all you can do is love them. Make it a point to do just that. When my daughter went side ways for a few years I focused on just letting her know she was loved. When she got herself really squared around, she told me just knowing she could count on me meant the world to her.

As to finances, wow, I have been there as well. Again, just live as frugally as you can. Even make it a game, so to speak.

Lastly, love- sure, you may very well find someone again. But also focus on friends and refusing to be lonely.

It can all be done. Just approach it one day at a time.

Catch44 posted 11/13/2017 12:59 PM

Thanks Want2BHappyAgain and thatboguy

It feels good to be heard and understood.

squid posted 11/13/2017 13:46 PM

I hate to T/J but man lately I'm feeling everything you're feeling.

No hope for a happy future, missing the close-knit family we once had, guilt for wanting to be able to move on, sadness for what my kids will not get to experience.

I've been looking at houses lately, wanting to size-down and start anew. I'm excited to let go, but sad that I have been put in this position that I have to.

I've even logged into a dating website. I know I'm NOWHERE near ready to date. But I've already been "approached" and have messaged back and forth a bit. I feel really guilty about that too. Have I crossed a line? WW killed the marriage, but does that justify looking elsewhere? I've literally only exchanged pleasantries, but I know where I'd like it to lead.

Sorry to T/J, Catch44. But I definitely hear you.

Randy1133 posted 11/13/2017 13:46 PM

At what point am I an MH? Can I be "just be friends" for a while? After 4 PA's, and multiple f$%ks over 2 years, what is my obilgation to WW? I don't want to be a WS. What does that look like?

Whether you wait till the ink is dry on the divorce papers is a personal choice. Nobody is going to call you a MH because you dated while the divorce was going through the legal process. But if you aren't 100% sure of divorce yet, then you could fall into a MH type scenario.

Have you started the divorce process? Are you sure this is a 'one way ticket' to divorce, not a "probably divorcing, but still hopeful if she throws me a few crumbs..." If its the former, then do whatever you want. If its the latter, then don't. You have zero obligation to your WW, but you have an obligation to yourself and others you affect. You need to heal, detach and get to a place where you are seeing someone because you want to find someone, not because you are lonely and hurting.

If you are still living with your WW, don't date, women don't like that. If you are still not sure you want a divorce, don't date, no one wants that kind of drama. If you just want a fling then go for it, but only after you are 100% sure of divorce. Once you detach from your WW, you can start thinking about all that other stuff.

Catch44 posted 11/13/2017 13:55 PM

Thanks squid!
Not a t/j at all. It is exactly how I am feeling. Why does it feel wrong? Iíve been discarded. What do I owe? Ugh.

Catch44 posted 11/13/2017 14:15 PM

Thanks Randy1133. I donít know what I want. This is what I am trying to process so thank you for this.

I am tired of being tired. I am tired of the crumbs. My Ww started the process and lawyers are hashing out the numbers.
We are in in house separation because there is no extra for another apartment. I am waiting until the house can be sold.

I canít see living like this anymore. I canít tell if this is real on her part or not. I have been blindsided enough that I canít trust anything. This lawyer stuff was just the death knell for me. She is still willing to lie to go to places. Even if I WANT to be married, I would be an idiot to stay. So it is not a matter of want for me. It is more than desire.

I donít want a fling (but it has crossed my mind). I need to talk with this woman. As much as I like her, I do want someone with a similar faith (she might, I donít know), so I am reserved. I am not willing to hurt or mislead her either. She is a BS and deserves better. It is nice to be wanted/desired. It is hard to give that up. I want to live what I teach my kids.

I need to reread your post and re-edit my response so give me a chance to let that develop. There is a lot there to process. Thanks again.

[This message edited by Catch44 at 2:26 PM, November 13th (Monday)]

nekonamida posted 11/13/2017 18:02 PM

Catch, you are not rewriting history here. You can read your old posts to confirm that. There's no harm in talking to another BS about the situation especially since the D is progressing. Furthermore, I hate to say it but if she's lying about going out to the pub, she probably is in the process of seeing someone new. This sounds very similar to how it started with AP #1 and she clearly isn't remorseful or empathetic to your feelings enough not to pursue another relationship.

northeasternarea posted 11/13/2017 18:40 PM

Catch, since you mention faith, I recommend this book: I Don't Love You Anymore, by David Clarke, PhD.

Catch44 posted 11/13/2017 22:16 PM

Thanks nekonamida. I agree. I have no trust and I wouldnít be surprised to find out there is another AP or renewed contact.
My brotherís basically feel the same with the other BS. No harm being friends right now. But l do need to get us out of the same house to avoid the weird like Randy1133 mentioned.

Thanks northeasternarea, the synopsis looks good. I will be buying that one. Thanks.

OwningItNow posted 11/13/2017 22:26 PM

1. Feels like she gets to call all the shots about everything. Why is that? You would feel better if you took some power back.

2. Are you in IC? You need the support.

3. Do not avoid grieving this loss by trying to date. You must sit with your grief--along with a friend or family member--but not with new love. You will not heal if you try to avoid it.

4. This is a great time to find yourself and to truly enjoy your kids.

Catch44 posted 11/13/2017 23:12 PM

Hi OwningItNow

The lawyers basically have the run of things now. We are waiting for them to get some of their stuff done. What stood out to you?

I have the ST and IC. IC is this Friday. ST just sent me more forms. I did an initial testing and the extra stuff was strange in content. I inferred that I am not quite fitting something.
ST has me reading Adult Children by Freil. Iím going to have to read it a couple of times. It is pretty dense for 200 pages.

It is hard to grieve when the source of the wound is constantly present and in basically the same capacity as a wayward. A constant wounding as per minwalla. Did I spell that name right? What does grieving look like? I feel I have been grieving for a long time. I am more worried about carrying chains of resentment along with me. What do I need to do to grieve?
My father is in palative care for cancer, my wife had Aís and is divorcing me, and Iím going to lose the house. They are only 3 of lifesís biggest stressors . I donít see a problem.

I have been enjoying the kids. Took DD driving today (has her learners) so I got my dose of adrenaline. Watching the boys sports and got the new Call of Duty.

The grief comment has me thinking. Because that ruins my neat little package. Three years of not just lacking love but being despised. Of eating shit sandwiches. Waiting is just such a crappy option.

[This message edited by Catch44 at 2:01 PM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

OwningItNow posted 11/14/2017 04:32 AM

Catch44,

Grief is a healthy process that leads to an acceptance of something painful. None of us want to go through it, but we have to so that we can build the kind of resiliency and returned joy that we deserve. You can and should grieve every loss to some extent, but as you work through the process--with its goal of accepting and being joyful again--you can get stuck.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

These are in no particular order as you continually circle back around but usually in shorter bursts as the feelings become more familiar. It seems you may be a little stuck in the process in general, but I don't really know. I will say that many people think it is best to feel acceptance and joy return before you embark on any new relationship. How does that idea make you feel? Do you know how to find peace and joy outside of a romantic relationship? Very codependent people usually do not, but putting efforts into that will reap huge rewards.

I am concerned about your focus on your loneliness. Being alone and without affection is tolerable if you learn to love yourself. That seems to be the piece that you do not have and need to find. Feeling good about ourselves is an inside job, and it is a mistake to use other people to make us feel better. That should not be necessary. Whenever I find myself feeling like I am needing a compliment or a smile or some other validation, I try to do some self-care: a treat for me, some kind words, a positive article, or maybe some journaling. I always feel better afterwards and didn't actually need that affirmation from elsewhere.

The details of the situation in your home are very complicated with regards to why you guys are doing what you are doing. I am sure you have reasons for the in-house, the year, etc. but it just seems there would have to be a better way. IDK. It's hard to believe you can't get away from this much contact.

I do wish you luck.
Very tough stuff.
I did in-house S for about 18 months before we stopped the D to do some more work. It was extremely difficult.

Simplicity posted 11/14/2017 05:59 AM

Also don't want to t/j, but also sick of the crumbs. I'm the one who started the D process, and I keep grabbing at whatever crumbs I can get in hopes that I get enough to feel like I can drop the D. Instead I just feel sad. I totally feel you. I understand.

Catch44 posted 11/14/2017 11:47 AM

Thanks OwningItNow.


It seems you may be a little stuck in the process in general, but I don't really know. I will say that many people think it is best to feel acceptance and joy return before you embark on any new relationship. How does that idea make you feel? Do you know how to find peace and joy outside of a romantic relationship? Very codependent people usually do not, but putting efforts into that will reap huge rewards.

I don't know where I am at on the list. Depression. I'm definately sad today. I think because the idea makes me feel crappy, it is probably a good idea. There is definately an ego boost with being wanted. I do worry that the external validation has more weight that internal validation. I don't have balance. If I did, I guess I wouldn't have stayed as long as I have. There is no harm in waiting and cooling my jets a bit. I'll talk to my IC on Friday too. I just think that for 3 years I have been functioning in a non-romantic/hostile relationship already. I have had to rely on myself. It was the allowing it to continue that seems more the issue. No? Maybe I am just trying to hear what I want to...

Whenever I find myself feeling like I am needing a compliment or a smile or some other validation, I try to do some self-care: a treat for me, some kind words, a positive article, or maybe some journaling. I always feel better afterwards and didn't actually need that affirmation from elsewhere.

I feel I am better at this that what I was. But there is improvement I can make.

The details of the situation in your home are very complicated with regards to why you guys are doing what you are doing. I am sure you have reasons for the in-house, the year, etc. but it just seems there would have to be a better way. IDK. It's hard to believe you can't get away from this much contact.

If we separate living conditions it will affect the ability to purchase another house. I could rent after the separation agreement is finalized, but I would like some stability for the kids. To divorce with cause would be expensive and by the time all the court dates get figured out it, the time difference isn't that much different.

I did in-house S for about 18 months before we stopped the D to do some more work. It was extremely difficult.

I knew you were close to D. But I didn't know it was 18 months. Who knows right? But the motherfucker and the planning to go to Pubnight... they were just the final straw for me... I am not a respected nor significant factor in WW's decision making.

Thanks Simplicity.

I keep grabbing at whatever crumbs I can get in hopes that I get enough to feel like I can drop the D.

I agree, I just feel like I am always "reacting". Trying to read her feelings so I can make it alright. I just don't want to own WW's feelings anymore.

shellbean posted 11/14/2017 12:21 PM

You have been heard and I am sorry for your pain. I feel it in your words. What can you do? Love your kids; be there for them. They are important, you are important. Until you know what you want, the way you portray yourself to other women may not be helpful to you. Yes, being lonely is hard sometimes - especially when the one you love is still in the house with you. But if you just "share that bottle of wine" are you now on the slippery slope yourself? Be better than your WW, be stronger than your WW. The feelings you are feeling are normal - you know this. I wish I had something more substantial to say to you, but I don't. Peace to you!

Catch44 posted 11/14/2017 13:27 PM

Thanks shellbean.

Until you know what you want,

Your words are good and helpful. What I SHOULD want and what I WANT are so stupidly opposed... either way, the process is moving forward with my thoughts and mind running behind to catch up to accept it.

It is stupid because of THIS:

especially when the one you love is still in the house with you.

... you know this. I wish I had something more substantial to say to you, but I don't.

It is substantial. Thank you.

[This message edited by Catch44 at 1:51 PM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

sisoon posted 11/14/2017 14:32 PM

Why give your W a 1 year separation? What's the purpose? What does she think will happen? What will you do if, at the end of the year, your W says she wants you?

Doesn't the prolonged separation keep you hanging? How is it good for you? Why not complete the D as soon as possible?

I think the whole gamut of feelings is part of the recovery from infidelity process and the D process. I think fear of the future/unknown is entirely normal.

I'm with thatbpguy on parenting and finances and with randy on dating. You do not want to get into another romantic relationship until your M is absolutely sure to be dead and buried.

Remember -

D Ė Donít
E Ė Even
T Ė Think
A Ė About
C Ė Changing
H Ė Her.

Catch44 posted 11/14/2017 16:29 PM

I went home for lunch and my WW came home after work. She wasn't wearing her rings when I glanced and she caught my look. She had been earlier that week. She said,"What are you looking at". So I said, you aren't wearing your rings. She said it was none of my business if she did or didn't. I asked why she was wearing her rings if we are getting divorced. She said it is none of my business, she has her reasons. I asked what they were. She told me I wasn't allowed to ask. I said I can ask whatever I want, that she could choose to answer or not. So she went out of the house without her rings. So mine is off.

WW also said the lawyers process hasn't stop and isn't going to be.

Thanks for your thoughts SiSoon,

Why give your W a 1 year separation? What's the purpose? What does she think will happen? What will you do if, at the end of the year, your W says she wants you?

The year is a period before divorce papers can be signed. The house can be sold as soon as a separation agreement is agreed upon (finances, parenting agreement). When I take my heart out of the equation, there is no reason to stay. If I look at this as an outside observer, I am secretly hoping the OP leaves. I just need to stay the course regardless of the rest now. I don't trust her at all.


Doesn't the prolonged separation keep you hanging? How is it good for you? Why not complete the D as soon as possible?

As soon as the house can be sold, the door won't have a chance to hit me on the way out.

I'm with thatbpguy on parenting and finances and with randy on dating. You do not want to get into another romantic relationship until your M is absolutely sure to be dead and buried.

My ring is off. I consider this marriage over.


[This message edited by Catch44 at 4:38 PM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

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