Return to Forum List

Return to Reconciliation

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Whats wrong?

Chaos posted 11/13/2017 14:22 PM

I often get lost in my own thoughts. My WS will ask Whats wrong? Or Whats up? If I tell him truthfully that the A is in my head or something triggered me or mind movies are playing again he gets frustrated (more with himself but I see it and feel it) then silent. If I say nothing to avoid the drama or him thinking Im punishing him, he gets frustrated and then silent. It isnt helpful to R for me scream WTF do you think is wrong? Im broken. Im shattered. Im empty. Im scared. Im exhausted from using every drop of energy I have working on R. Im exhausted from constantly trying not to cry. Im so very sad and disappointed. Im heartbroken. Im wondering why why why? I did that for the first few weeks and it got to be a viscious circle not helpful to anyone.

He is repentant, he is sorry and R is important to us both. I know this is a marathon and not a sprint. Some days are better than others.

How should I respond? Id love to hear from BS and WS alike in this.

hopeforthefuture94 posted 11/13/2017 14:35 PM

((Chaos))The only way to survive infidelity is to go through it. There are no shortcuts. If your H is truly worthy of the GIFT of Reconcilliation you will not need to worry about sharing with him everything you are experiencing. I am just over 3 years past dday and my H still listens and asks how he can help. Even if its inconvenient and even if he has heard the same questions a million times. Those are his consequences and his payment for my gift of R to him. Just this morning we were talking about it. Its rare if we go a day without talking about it. I suspect someday that wont be the case but its all dependent upon how I feel day to day on this roller coaster.

Your needs are first for as long as you need them to be. You are in this position because he put his broken needs above yours. Anything less than every effort he can possibly make to help you heal is not enough.

Do not feel guilty for any requests you make. You did nothing to put yourself in this situation. That is solely on him.

Keep posting

Hope

thatbpguy posted 11/13/2017 14:38 PM

IMHO, honesty is always the best policy. Just tell him. Right between the eyes. There doesn't need to be malice- just say his betrayal is hurting you. Tell him he has refused to say why he did it, when he fully knows why, and these things just plain hurt.

If he doesn't like it, so what? He created this mess. Either he wants to be part of the solution or continue to be part of the problem.

I mean, this is real life and he has obligations to you. Either he will fulfill them or leave. But to rug sweep it isn't going to help.

tiredofcrying59 posted 11/13/2017 14:47 PM

Sometimes I just say, "well, what do you think honey? I'm sorry but I hate that this is my life now" Then we sometimes have a brief discussion about what might specifically be bothering me, but sometimes its just the general disappointment with the situation.

He will usually apologize and be sad for awhile and then we try to move on to doing something to occupy us. Unless I can't pull out of it right away, which he knows I can't sometimes, and he needs to give me space.

Persevere19 posted 11/13/2017 15:10 PM

Yes this is common in recovery and a hard spot. For me it was a chance at a new marriage with honesty being at the core for the first time ever. You are working on healing yourself and trying to heal the marriage as well. You don't have to be cruel with your words but you can be honest. just saying "I'm working on healling " or " just a bad moment" if He insists on knowing tell him. But be honest and warn him in advance that you don't really want to talk because you don't think it's productive, but you will if he really wants to know. It's not your job to protect him from the consequences of his poor choices and what he caused in you. Yes your mind is spinning and think about the A far more than you'd like to. It just takes a lot of time and creating new good memories with each other to replace the bad. Sometimes it is necessary to talk about what your thinking or how your hurting. It gives you both a chance to work through it. All that to say, that sweeping your thoughts and feelings under the carpet is not being honest and is not healing. Just my experience. Married 30 yrs with DD 4 yrs ago. It's worth the work. Blessings!

Geranium posted 11/13/2017 15:40 PM

I had a look at your history. If Ive got this right, your husband had a 3-year affair as well as several PAs? And you only found out 3 months ago. Plus you describe your 27-year marriage as fake. And your daughters do not support your desire to reconcile.

Thats a lot to process in a very short time.

On what basis did you decide to try and reconcile? Was this decision made from a basis of strength - or fear of being alone and the unknown?

Maybe you need to detach and/or separate for a while? Take some time to build up your strength and emotional resilience, and find out whether reconciliation is what you really want?

twisted posted 11/13/2017 17:02 PM

My WS will ask Whats wrong? Or Whats up?

At least yours asks. Mine would never mention it if my hair was on fire.

It isnt helpful to R for me scream WTF do you think is wrong?

Okay, that made me laugh because I've been waiting for mine to actually ask so I could say that exact thing!

Communication is so hard, and I let to much go unsaid for waaaaaay too long. My WW would go out of her way to avoid talking or checking in with me. Her attitude was never mention it and maybe I'll forget about it. That will never happen,...ever.

northeasternarea posted 11/13/2017 17:19 PM

How should I respond? Id love to hear from BS and WS alike in this.

You respond with either the truth, or that you don't want to talk about it.

OrdinaryDude posted 11/13/2017 22:50 PM

I get the same thing from my wife, normally I just play it off as some irrelevant thoughts.

The truth is that she has been working very hard, and taking very good care of me in every way, that I don't want to discourage her with things that she can't change.

If I want a hug or something, I just tell her and she meets my needs without question, because she cares deeply for me and wants our M to work more than anything.

Right now she needs my encouragement as she is re-entering the workforce for the first time in many years, so it's a huge adjustment for her.

CaptainRogers posted 11/13/2017 23:41 PM

Right now she needs my encouragement...

OD, that hits me right in the feels. It's interesting how we want the support & encouragement ourselves as the BS, but have to remember that our spouse, if they are making the efforts to change and R, need it from us as well. That selfless act on the part of the BS to support & encourage goes a long way in this marathon.

When my wife asks the same question (her version is more along the lines of "where are you, because you aren't here?"), my response is usually something like "Processing." Her general response is "is it something I did now or from before?" Almost always it's "from before". That's when she will apologize again, say something about how she wishes she had never done that to me, to us, and just hugs or otherwise touches me.

My recommendation...be honest without being brutal. It matters.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 11:41 PM, November 13th (Monday)]

OrdinaryDude posted 11/14/2017 00:27 AM

Thanks Cap'

She is very thankful that I am supportive and encouraging her efforts, instead of rubbing her face in in it for going back to work at this point in our lives.

She is very excited about the job, and I'm very happy for her.

destroyed1 posted 11/14/2017 11:35 AM


It isnt helpful to R for me scream WTF do you think is wrong? Im broken. Im shattered. Im empty. Im scared. Im exhausted from using every drop of energy I have working on R. Im exhausted from constantly trying not to cry. Im so very sad and disappointed. Im heartbroken


It is helpful to R to say these things. Say them with emotion. Feel them and let your spouse feel your pain too. This way they have a better understanding of what they have done.

Don't be afraid to talk about it. If your H gets frustrated and then silent, then he's not yet understanding how bad he's hurt you.

destroyed1 posted 11/14/2017 11:42 AM

That's when she will apologize again, say something about how she wishes she had never done that to me, to us, and just hugs or otherwise touches me.

this is what a remorseful spouse looks like. Not one who gets frustrated and then silent.

The difference is, Capt's Wife understands how bad she hurt him with her actions.

It really does take 2-5 years to heal from this.

Ask him to ream "how to help your spouse heal from your affair"

It may help him to become more remorseful.

tushnurse posted 11/14/2017 12:17 PM

IMHO, honesty is always the best policy. Just tell him

Remember the first, second, third, fourth and fifth rules of R.
Is Be Honest.
No lies of any kind ever again, this includes lies of omission, white lies, and lies to keep the peace.

A truly remorseful spouse will get it. They will understand, and while pissed off at themselves for the situation, they will NOT push it back to you.
You should absolutely 100% say those exact things. Your pain is palpable, and he created it. He needs to help you through it.
Sometimes that means just listening to you say, it's weighing heavy on me today.

devastated43 posted 11/14/2017 12:23 PM

I'm in the same boat Chaos. I think about the A all day. I'm obsessed with it and keep wondering when will it stop. I know it won't stop if we divorce either. Just last night, we were eating dinner and she looks at me and says "You're awfully quiet. Is everything OK?" My response: "I'm OK." Later I was making a LEGO toy for my son because the older one couldn't finish it and I was huffing and puffing in frustration and my eyes teared up. I used to love to make LEGO toys for my kids. It was quality time, but the reality is she was in the other room flirting with texts to that piece of s**t. She asked me what's wrong and I told her why I was frustrated. Then she says "You are ruining the night. How do you know that's what happened?" My response: "Ya, it's my imagination." Now, I hate making LEGO toys because it reminds me of that. Poor kids who have a dad who no longer appreciates making LEGO toys with them.

Later before bed she asked what do I want and I said "care more. I feel like you don't understand what I'm going through." She got up and went to bed and mumbled that she is going to hear this for the rest of her life. My thoughts: "Who's f-in fault is that?"

twisted posted 11/16/2017 14:06 PM

With all the stuff on the news as of late, the sexual harassment in Hollywood and in politics, it's just wall to wall, and people coming out of the woodwork to accuse people.


Me: I can't believe all this shit never ends. Honey, did you ever get sexual harassed at work?

Her: < crickets> ( Had half a dozen A at work)

long pause

Me: Oh,.....nevermind.

Return to Forum List

Return to Reconciliation

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.