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A bodily function.

Cattlefarmer posted 11/14/2017 16:00 PM

I've been working on this thought and I would like other's opinion.

One of the many thing I have lost due to my WW cheating is my view of sex being special.

Her A's have reduced sex to a bodily function. Something you do for release.
Much like taking a shit. You can do that anywhere, it takes care of a need. Your home, a truck stop, a friends house, camping.
The release feels good, the need's been met. But there is nothing special about it.

Am I making sense?
Or is that all sex is, a bodily function?
From those that have healed, does it become special again, or is it gone for good?

DebraVation posted 11/14/2017 16:01 PM

Yes, I view it the same way. Or as a chore - like 'better do it x times or he'll stray again' kind of logic.

Phoenix1 posted 11/14/2017 16:24 PM

I can only speak for myself here, but yes, it did become special again. In the immediate aftermath I wanted no part of it. If I wanted "release," I could take care of that myself. Didn't need to open myself up to potential hurt by bringing someone else into it.

However, once I met my SO, it became something special again. He makes me feel special every.single.time! He ALWAYS puts my needs before his. If he is just acting, he is DAMN good!

I can also tell you that for some people it has never been special, just a bodily function. My ex is a prime example of that. It was never about emotional bonding or closeness. For him, it was just about HIM getting his rocks off. But given his supreme selfishness, that is not a surprise.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 4:46 PM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

TrustGone posted 11/14/2017 16:33 PM

I guess my two XWH's ruined it for me for the most part. XWH#1 never made me feel special, and XWH#2 only pretended that it was special, until he no longer pretended and made it just about him. My SO tries his hardest to make sure I always feel special and I do appreciate his efforts, but I don't think I will ever feel special again when it comes to sex. I know I am good in bed. Hell, I've had 40yrs of experience. But being good in bed and feeling special are two different things.

steadychevy posted 11/14/2017 18:51 PM

I hope it will be more than a bodily function. I know it was just as you say with my WW until we separated. I'm 66 years old. I'm married until I'm legally not. Sex with a new person won't happen until after I'm unmarried and it won't happen unless it is special, compassionate, intimate. I may not have sex again given my requirements.

Dorothy123 posted 11/14/2017 18:57 PM

I get you Cattlefarmer.

Before sex was "making love" with a special meaning.

Now, sex is just reduced to meaningless "f*cking".

SorrowfulSoul posted 11/14/2017 22:16 PM

Hopefully this is not a venting thread and as a WS I can also respond.

Sadly, I think sex was never much more than a bodily function for me. Teenage rape and childhood sexual abuse literally stole that away from me. Loving your spouse doesn't necessarily remove that violation and I couldn't see what I was missing.

My spouse during the years of our marriage wanted sex way more than me and went so far as to emotionally abuse me by saying I "owed" him sex because I was not a virgin and had waaaay more experience and must have wanted sex because of the "partners" I had as a teenager. (Those "partners" were one step above rape and/or abuse)

Feeling pressured to have sex night after night whether I wanted to or not sours sex pretty fast. My opinion did not matter one iota. In short order, it became nothing special for me. Something to get through every night by disappearing mentally (dissociating) so I could go to sleep.

Maybe as a bodily function that made it easier to cheat.

I am not blaming my BH for my choice to cheat, just responding to the bodily function comment.

needfriendshere posted 11/14/2017 22:34 PM

I know that for H, sex is more than a bodily function. To him, sex = love. It always has. So H’s giving it to OW for 6 years, along with all the“I love you’”s and the “You’re so beautiful”s that I know accompanied it, has pretty much ruined it for me. Yeah, I guess it’s been reduced to something between a bodily function and a chore. And that’s too bad. Because once upon a time, I loved it. Once upon a time, it meant love for me too.

Notthevictem posted 11/15/2017 09:45 AM

so if you were to compare it to another bodily function, like...oh, i don't know, farting, which is better?

sisoon posted 11/15/2017 11:00 AM

Sex is special again - but I'm almost 7 years out with an fWW who is doing her work.

You're a year and a half out, cattlefarmer, with no support from your W. Give yourself time and experience. I think you are on a healing path.

And when a bodily function brings joy, it has its merits.

Skan posted 11/15/2017 17:59 PM

Oh my, is it special. Really special. TMI smug grin, squirming in the pants special. I feel loved and deliciously female special. Embarrassing the cats and causing the next door neighbors to cuss the howling coyotes special.

Took a while from sex for getting my rocks off sake to making amazing love, but by gum, DID I get there!

STBXH posted 11/15/2017 19:31 PM


Holy smokes man. Have you been in my house? This is EXACTLY what I'm dealing with right now with my WW. I used to hold sex with the wife in such high regard. It was very special to me and a good night together could sustain me for a week. Now it's just gone. Not there at all. In fact, I have to use pills to perform. I see her flaws now which I never have before. It's really rough but it's now my new "normal". Sex is good. It's sex after all, but I can do this with anyone. I can't agree with you more. Good luck to us, huh? F#$%NG sad is what it is.

hopefulkate posted 11/15/2017 20:13 PM

2.5 years out here, working spouse...

Definitely special again. It was after DDay it was special too, then wasn't, then was, then wasn', sometimes it is a bodily function - but that is ok and fun too

And sometimes it is just more. Good luck and take care

MalibuBayBreeze posted 11/15/2017 22:07 PM

Sex always varied depending on the mood. It could either be fucking or making love but they both were special to me. I loved how we felt together. Now? Special is not how I would describe it at all. It was special when it was exclusive, or so I thought. Knowing he shared that intimacy with some bitch took all of that away. Now it's just a function. Still feels good, but it'll never be the same.

CaptainRogers posted 11/16/2017 00:18 AM

CattleFarmer, I hope it is more than just a bodily function. Heck, I'm just hoping to even get to the bodily function place. Right now, I'm unable to go through the mental gymnastics of who was/is she thinking about and it wasn't actually physical (though there was desire from both of them). Almost 2 months sex free and I'm just hoping to be able to compartmentalize enough to get it started.

On the plus as a conversation recently with a friend about this. One of the things that was brought up was that every aspect of the M needs rebuilt, and that includes our physical intimacy. I had never thought about that as part of the rebuild package, but it does make sense.

I hope you are able to get past the bodily function phase and let us know just how it works out.

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