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Lying about cheating?

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madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 07:04 AM

Has anyone done this or known anyone who's done this? To clarify: someone who didn't technically cheat but claimed to have done so. Recently I read a confessions thread (I think on Reddit?) where a girl wrote that she falsely told her husband she cheated on him just to get him to agree to a divorce. She did this because she just wanted out after realizing that she still hated him and still wasn't over his cheatings a few years prior. But when she'd asked him for a divorce before, he always refused, keeping her trapped. She was planning to actually cheat on him but she ended up spinelessly chickening out. Then other girls on the same thread started chiming in about how they did the same thing, one girl even falsely claiming to her white husband that she'd f'ed a black guy, since she knew her husband was a racist bigot/pig and opposed to interracial dating/relations.

I will admit, many many years ago in the long-ago distant past I wanted to cheat back on a cheater but couldn't, due to timing and inability to attract someone. The relationship didn't matter at that point because he had already ghosted me for his whore (turned new gf) and I didn't want anything to do with dating him after what he did to me, anyway. So no consequence for me in painting myself as an equal "bad guy." Only the (fake) confidence boost in having him and a few others think I was better able to attract men sexually than I actually could.

Has anyone done this or are we just some really messed up chicas? Or has anyone thought they were a BS but found out later the cheating was a fake ruse? (Unlikely scenario I know)

Darkness Falls posted 11/15/2017 08:00 AM

This is a t/j and doesn't answer your question but I simply don't understand "asking for a divorce" (in the first place) and the other spouse "saying no and keeping her trapped.", you TELL the other spouse "I am divorcing you," file, and get out.

Jesusismyanchor posted 11/15/2017 08:43 AM

I was going to say the same. You don't have to lie and cause turmoil to get a D. I would be mad either way. You cheated. Or you lied to me that you cheated.

madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 09:17 AM

Darkness Falls, the problem lies when one party refuses to sign the divorce papers. Also, I don't know the girl who lied about cheating to get out of her marriage on Reddit, but she seems to me to be the cowardly spineless type. Who probably also had a momentary lapse of sanity following years of pent up resentment, both at her husband for cheating and for herself for not having the balls and/or the attractiveness (to attract a willing AP) to actually cheat. She's pathetic IMO. I think she would have been simply better off just having an RA than the tricky shit she did.

Also, I think it was on here or maybe somewhere else, where some guy (a BS) advised a girl that instead of getting a RA, she should just take herself out to a movie for a few hours, then tossle and mess up her hair on the way home, and let her WH guess that she was out cheating
That's the same thing. I think that's stupid. That's like confessing to a theft crime you never did, where now you have to pay restitution and serve jail time without even getting the money from the theft.

againX2 posted 11/15/2017 09:48 AM

My WH is a serial cheater. I did not know this prior to April 2016. Because I did not know who he really was I based my life choices on lies.
Prior to having a child I was working full time and making a lot of money. I loved my job and was damn good at it. But together, we decided that it would be best for me to be a stay at home mom.
Fast forward many years and yes, I am trapped. I moved to a state far away from friends and family because of his job. There is NO support system for me here. I gave up so much for a life of lies. The state we moved from was not a no fault state. But where we live now, I will not be treated as a betrayed spouse. The courts here do not care what he did to destroy me.
The court will order us to sell the house and split the assets. There is no way that there will be enough money for me to buy a new home and not totally disrupt our sons life. I can not afford to stay in the same area (even with child support and alimony - which by the way is much less than if we did not move to a different state).
I will also lose my medical insurance, which would be a big problem because of all the therapy that I now need.
This fucker of a WH has done the cruelest thing in the world...he lied to me and intentionally deceived me.
I also am aware that people (men and women) who are ordered to pay child support and/or alimony have been known to disappear. They will quit their jobs and work “off the books” so they no longer have to pay.
**This is how a BS gets TRAPPED**

madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 09:59 AM

Againx2, that is the type of situation I was in except worse because I was the breadwinner (still am but by a much smaller margin now since I cracked and quit my thankless job for a different one). I would have been paying out alimony and support instead of receiving it. That's part of what led me to not feel any qualms about pursuing my revenge affairs. Sometimes divorce is not a viable option unfortunately.

Did he move to another state before or after DDay? Is it possible he purposely moved to a no fault state in case you tried to divorce him? I've heard of that happening.

againX2 posted 11/15/2017 10:08 AM

We moved to the no fault state before I found out who he is. I have thought about just taking our son and moving “home” but WH has made it clear that he would have me arrested for kidnapping.
I am working part time now. I am hiding as much money as I can and I have hired an attorney.
But it does not change anything...I am still TRAPPED.

Snapdragon posted 11/15/2017 10:16 AM

Wait wait wait. Why is she cowardly and spineless and chickening out if she didn't cheat? Isn't NOT cheating the RIGHT thing to do? I'm not understanding your discernment in this situation.

sudra posted 11/15/2017 10:17 AM

the problem lies when one party refuses to sign the divorce papers.

That's not a thing. If the other spouse won't sign the papers, you get a default judgment granting divorce.

Darkness Falls posted 11/15/2017 10:25 AM

the problem lies when one party refuses to sign the divorce papers.

That's not a thing. If the other spouse won't sign the papers, you get a default judgment granting divorce.

That's what I had thought.

sisoon posted 11/15/2017 10:27 AM

There was a member about 5 years ago who joined as a BS. After some - not much, IIRC - time, the WS said the A was imaginary, and it looked like that was true (i.e. the A was imaginary).

I don't know what happened with the couple, but at least some people say they cheated when they didn't.

allusions posted 11/15/2017 11:16 AM

Some people will lie about anything and everything. But that does seem to be a twist, lying about HAVING an affair.

madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 11:38 AM

Wait wait wait. Why is she cowardly and spineless and chickening out if she didn't cheat? Isn't NOT cheating the RIGHT thing to do? I'm not understanding your discernment in this situation.

She's wrong as in foolish and stupid, because she obviously wanted to cheat and thus had all the intention behind it but chickened out. And no I do not think it is "wrong" to revenge cheat, even if society norms dictate it is. Just like an atheist doesn't think it's "wrong" to lack belief in a God. I believe in a God, but I do not believe I will go to hell just because I cheated on my WH to save my sanity, my self esteem, and myself.

[This message edited by madhattermarilyn at 11:39 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Dorothy123 posted 11/15/2017 11:44 AM


Unless it was an exit A, many BS's here have WS who would go to extreme lengths to hide the A from the BS.

"What lies did the WS actively promote? "

"What are some things WS did to hide A from you?"

madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 12:27 PM

Dorothy,i will try to find the website that girl posted on. But in her case, she KNEW he cheated and he knew she knew. that was fact. No questioning it.

Dorothy123 posted 11/15/2017 12:41 PM

madhattermarilyn, I don't doubt what you are saying at all.

I know that there are crazy people running around everywhere.

Carebearstare posted 11/15/2017 13:45 PM

I don't have any judgement for that person. I know in my heart I cannot revenge cheat. It's just not in me. I don't want to fuck some rando. I kind of feel that as the betrayed spouse, as long as no one is getting assaulted, its kind of fair game for the bs to do what they need to heal. If that's a fake RA because the want the Revenge more than the actual sex, I think it's fine.

sewardak posted 11/15/2017 13:57 PM

"its kind of fair game for the bs to do what they need to heal."

same justification the WS used to deal with their pain.

madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 14:08 PM

So Carebearshare, you're saying a RA is bad but anything else is ok?

NorthernGirl12 posted 11/15/2017 14:27 PM

I'm not sure who would lie about cheating. I guess people lie about everything and anything so I'm sure it happens. I do not judge anyone for having a RA. I totally get it. The need for some fairness. You hurt me so badly that I hurt you back. Seems fair to me. I do not agree with someone being spineless though because they chose not to have an RA, but instead to lie about it. Anyone can chose to be a whore. It certainly doesn't take bravery to do that. I'm just not sure what would be left of the marriage after both have cheated. I'm happy for you madhattermarilyn that it made you feel better. Eased the pain. I just do not think you should judge someone else for not doing what you did.

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