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Sexist stereotypes about sex

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madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 07:08 AM

What are some admittedly sexist double standards you had (or still have) regarding sex or affairs? Has an affair or relationship ever changed or contradicted any of these for you? Or, do you believe any preconceived double standards may have affected how you reacted or treated your partner after DDay (either as a BS or WS)?

madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 07:12 AM

Sometimes double standards might not be intended,just like racial profiling isn't usually intentional, but happens as a result of how one was raised and one's personal experiences (which don't always go outside the box). Example, I ran across a post on here where a guy said women generally don't have As for sex itself, but for validation, compliments, and attention. Because the compliments in an A tend to be bull anyway, essentially a woman tends to get used in an A. That it's less common for a woman to pursue A sex just for the sex itself. Any others you've noticed on here or otherwise?

Darkness Falls posted 11/15/2017 07:49 AM

That's the biggest I've encountered---especially that some BSs think/thought that any woman is *not capable* of wanting sex without an emotional connection.

Randy1133 posted 11/15/2017 08:14 AM

Example, I ran across a post on here where a guy said women generally don't have As for sex itself, but for validation, compliments, and attention. Because the compliments in an A tend to be bull anyway, essentially a woman tends to get used in an A. That it's less common for a woman to pursue A sex just for the sex itself. Any others you've noticed on here or otherwise?

My XW did it for both the validation and also the enjoyment of sex. I really don't think there was any emotional connection with her AP's, more like a FWB type scenario. I think what you say it true for some women, but I also think they might be downplaying the truth that they did enjoy the sex. Afterall, it is part and parcel of the fantasy...like a main attraction at a carnival. Who doesn't want to go on that ride?

Jesusismyanchor posted 11/15/2017 08:25 AM

I don't believe that men and women necessarily do it for different reasons all the time. Not sure I believe that stereotype as I think my H and AP were perhaps pretty similar. As in; they acted the same playing the fantasy and both dumped each other to save their own hides on Dday. Neither one actually gave a crap about each other when the rubber hit the road. They kept similar boundaries in their own twisted A. . Neither wanted to lose their families. There wasn't any romance or anything truly special. There was no actual future in mind. They just stroked each ofher's egos I think and provided false intimacy. I don't really see a big different between why he would have done it verses her. I think they sucked the same way.

I believe my H did it for acceptance, validation, stroking his ego, she made him feel so good about himself. Etc. Sex was a vehicle for that. how is this different than how they describe it for women? I think they were both all about themselves

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 8:30 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

MidnightRun posted 11/15/2017 09:22 AM

I think the average guy thinks his wife is above the tawdriness of an affair. After all, he MARRIED her, and there's simply no way under the sun that he could have made such a gigantic mistake. It questions his basic judgement.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 9:36 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 09:23 AM

I'm glad to see that so many of you believe the double standard I'd mentioned is not actually true.


I also recall a post Taledo made, where he had a LTA, even moving in with his AP when his wife found out and kicked him out. It wasn't until weeks later that he wanted to reconcile. The BW said only on the condition that she gets a RA, then went ahead with it. He then told her he hopes she's done (even though a ONS pales in comparison to a full fledged LTA) so they can reconcile. Then threatened her that if she did this again, he'd tell her parents on her. He knew her parents were sexist and would hold her one time RA against her whereas they were knowingly forgiving about his LTA, and admitted yes they're "old fashioned" aka (in my words) sexist pigs. I think Taledo's in laws are fucking disgusting. With parents like those, who needs enemies?

madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 09:32 AM

Preconception: I think the average guy thinks his wife is above the tawdriness of an affair. After all, he MARRIED her, and there's simply no way under the sun that he could have made such a gigantic mistake.


I actually think I made a mistake choosing to marry my husband. Although admittedly large part of this was also partly a shotgun wedding of sorts. I also think my husband did not truly know who I am or who I used to be. Years back I was more promiscuous like him, but after a scary sexual assault and my obsessive need to tie the knot and pop out babies, I became super conservative. I became so conservative, I think I even stopped wearing thongs even though they were still very popular at the time lol. (Even my sworn-til-marriage virgin college roommate wore thongs, because she knew they looked better under clingy knit pants, to avoid VPL = the dreaded visible panty line) My toxic ex only knew the goody two shoes me with the good girl job. No wonder he developed a Madonna whore complex and pegged me as a good girl not worthy of his sex SMFH. Same with my husband for the most part. Or, I was more sexual with him in private (than I'd been with my ex) but never showed it anywhere else. But yeah, I wish he knew what I was like before. I like my old self better because while I was sluttier, I had way more money, confidence, looks, and friends. I was overall happier and this was before I had clinical anxiety. If he knew what I was "really" like, would he have still married me? Possibly, since after all, it was a shotgun wedding. That would have happened regardless. But maybe he would have thought twice before taking advantage of me by using me for a stable home and cheating. Maybe if I'd been like I was 15yrs ago, I would have been the WS and HE would have had the self-validation-seeking RA. After all, experience has shown me that I've always gotten punished most when I'm a nice girl.

[This message edited by madhattermarilyn at 9:33 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

mizunomead posted 11/15/2017 10:18 AM

Interesting thought.....

I will freely admit to being very ummm...i guess naive about sex, emotions, male/female wants and interactions etc..Pre A

I feel like i lived in my own little bubble and thought that their were "stereotypes" that held true the vast majority of the time.

I would have never realized just how many women are out there trolling for men for sex. I assumed that men cheat on women vastly more then the opposite. I believed that women may like sex on occasion but not nearly as much as men did in general.

Having never really dated as a adult getting married to high school sweetheart and being married until my mid 30's i completely missed out on a dating "education" about how sex really is as a adult in today's world.... I had soo many misconceptions that its almost laughable now....

My going through the infidelity, and being single for a while afterwords was a crash course education into a world that i really didn't even know existed.

I know come to believe that men and women are actually pretty much equal in alot of sex topics. Or at least close enough to treat it that way.

The only kinda stereotype that i may still believe, and even this i am not totally sure either way....I do think that there still is a bit of a dominant/submissive aspect to male/female interaction...especially in dating/sex. I think that the majority of women, by that i mean more then half of women still want a man to lead the way on alot of things....Which is actually kinda funny to me in a way, as i assumed that those ideals actually went out along time ago and i assumed that it didn't exist anymore until the last few yrs....

Can't wait to see how this discussion goes because personally i find these thoughts fascinating...

[This message edited by mizunomead at 10:59 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Simplicity posted 11/15/2017 10:37 AM

Before my H's A, when the sex was really low, I would fantasize about having my own A for sex alone. It did not suit my core being, which is why I never acted on it. I even had ample opportunity, having a co-worker I knew would be fine with the proposition. So, if it did not make me disgusted with myself, I prob would've been a woman in an emotionless PA. So there's that myth debunked? Or not because I never went through with it?

DevastatedDee posted 11/15/2017 10:39 AM

Yeah, I've had a lot more casual sex partners than boyfriends. I thoroughly enjoyed it, never was a prude about it. Was interested in trying new things and got a thrill out of seducing a man. Not married men, mind you...SINGLE men. When I met my husband, I had had way more sex partners than he had, not that he ever wanted to know my number. He'd been with 4, I'd been with...let's say a lot more than that, lol. Had you asked me when we got together which of us was more likely to cheat, I'd have guessed me all day long, but wouldn't have believed I would have anyway. It just wasn't "him". It angers me greatly that he tripled his sex partners DURING our marriage. Still ain't half of mine.

So the promiscuous woman was very monogamous and the less-experienced man wasn't.

MHMarilyn, I know it's messed up, but it has crossed my mind reading your threads that you and I were both the WRONG bitches to cheat on. Doesn't make cheating back cool, but it ain't like we had a hard time hitting back.

madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 10:50 AM

Before my H's A, when the sex was really low, I would fantasize about having my own A for sex alone. It did not suit my core being, which is why I never acted on it. I even had ample opportunity, having a co-worker I knew would be fine with the proposition. So, if it did not make me disgusted with myself, I prob would've been a woman in an emotionless PA. So there's that myth debunked? Or not because I never went through with it?


I'd say NOT, because you never went through with it or did anything at all outside your imagination.


Once you found out your husband cheated, did that change yoyr perception of having an affair? Did that make you regret not having one before? I mean, here you are, being good and exercising self control to the highest, yet here he was, "rewarding" your loyalty with a sordid affair.

[This message edited by madhattermarilyn at 10:51 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 11:00 AM

MHMarilyn, I know it's messed up, but it has crossed my mind reading your threads that you and I were both the WRONG bitches to cheat on. Doesn't make cheating back cool, but it ain't like we had a hard time hitting back.


Yes! I agree!! LOL. Do you think formerly promiscuous women are more likely to actually engage in RAs than prudes? Also, is it possible that if my husband had truly known about my past, maybe he would have been too intimidated to cheat (knowing that I'd be more likely to cheat back in a hurtful way, since I obviously had no qualms with promiscuity before)? Maybe that's one drawback to being a good girl and/or going to great extents to hide one's "bad girl" past? In my case with my husband, all he knew of me when he met me was that his roommates (a house full of young guys in their 20s and 30s) talked trash about me being "crazy" and supposedly "wanting" one or two of their friends but always getting rejected. Yes, back then, I did not look my best and I was very insecure following a dating drought I had after my ex did me really dirty. I lived alone, which they thought weird, since I was into my 30s which put me in the spinster category.

If you read my recent post in the non-infidelity forum, you'll see that I'm losing weight like rapidfire. So yeah, I'll definitely be even more of a threat to my husband now that I'm becoming thin. Admittedly I starve myself from time to time and seldom eat more than 1 meal a day. I was sick these past few days (hence posting on SI so much) and couldn't keep anything down, lost about 5 more lbs. Went from 165lbs to 130lbs in recent times.

Superesse posted 11/15/2017 11:21 AM

Interesting points, all. Madhattermarilyn, you talked about the consequences of stereotyping women regarding sex. It was widespread 20 years ago, not sure if it has changed. I am in my mid 60’s and all the men I dated as a single in my 30’s certainly categorized me: single woman wants good loving, therefore she must be a cougar. By the time I met my then-BF (now WS) I was 42, and wanted my relationship to be more than a no-strings fling for some man-boy. So, I turned this BF down for sex when we dated, just because I knew it would be a dead end yet again for me, if he stereotyped me as “easy.” And sure enough, he chased me all the harder. Hmmm. That may be where I screwed up, pardon the pun.

In 4 years we dated, he never informed me he was paying for sex with prostitutes from time to time. He always claimed to be a busy, hard-working, self-contained man with good morals; his coworkers bragged about him to me, as well. I’d found a real gem, they told me. The truth is that he had a warped, transactional attitude about sex, and he would not have known what to do with me if I was “giving it to him for free.” So I unknowingly played right in to his stereotype; I was with a man who thought bad women liked sex (whores) whereas good women (madonnas) turned men down. He must have thought he finally met a “good”woman, too! It would almost be funny, if it weren’t so painful and sad.

I don’t know if my experiences were due to my age cohort, my height (tall), my career, the culture or just what. Keep the stories coming!

madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 11:31 AM

Supereese, that has been my experience as well. Acting like a good girl did me no justice. All it did was cause guys to demonstrate a Madonna whore complex by cheating...while also denying me sex! See, this is why when I was in my teens and 20s, I always rolled my eyes at the old fashioned notions like these that my parents tried to instill in me. I didn't want to be the good girl virgin getting cheated on left and right. Unfortunately, like you, I succombed closer to those "good girl" notions when I decided i wanted to get married and settle down.


I think my husband sees sex as transactional too. I was a bit more sexualized when I was dating my husband than my asinine Madonna whore complex exes. I was tired of never having sex anymore, embarrassed about my sex drought. I jumped into sex not long at all with him but it was JUST HIM. Even before we were an official mutual couple, I was exclusive to him. BIG MISTAKE. I think guys take that for granted and assume a girl will always be loyal to them. Why buy the milk when the cow's free? In this case, I'm not referring to sex as the milk; I'm referring to loyalty and commitment.

[This message edited by madhattermarilyn at 11:33 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Superesse posted 11/15/2017 11:31 AM

Just saw your question on RA and promiscuous pasts. And as Dee said, I knew I was the wrong bitch to cheat on, yet I didn’t want to go back there, either. Once I had experienced a satisfying, deeper bond with sex, I wanted to keep that as my MO. And its only a bittersweet memory now, all these years later. So, no RA here. It is just damned ironic, I hear you ladies.

DevastatedDee posted 11/15/2017 12:16 PM

I get you, Superesse. I hate reading BW on here saying stuff like maybe they should have given their WS more sex and so on, when I can't imagine what those whores would do that I wouldn't. The irony. Man gets sex all the time, more than he wants sometimes, and still cheats. Cheats with women who don't actually want him.

madhattermarilyn posted 11/15/2017 12:22 PM

Devastated Dee, is he still cheating? Or did he stop after DDay? If he's still cheating, do you think you'll have another RA, or divorce him, or something else?

DevastatedDee posted 11/15/2017 12:42 PM

No, he's not still cheating. He went on an alcohol, drug and whore binge and then into rehab. Sober from everything, as far as I can tell. Trying to be a new man. Working recovery. If he relapses on anything, I'm out and he knows it.

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