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BlackHeartBroken posted 11/15/2017 16:47 PM

Ok, I freely admit to watching some of those Real Housewives shows, lol! They are mindless and I can miss one or four and not be lost, fold clothes, go to the washer, come back, not have missed anything...plus the fights! Anyway...

So, I was watching the original Orange Country one and I have gotten really into it because the story with one woman, Shannon, involves her husband having a LTA. They went to MC, a weekend retreat, renewed vows publicly at a year or so out, maybe? Now, two years later, they are moving into separate house, and will be divorcing!

My heart dropped when I saw that! I know every situation is different, but...it scares me that they both, I guess, felt like they wanted R, and then a year later it all just fell apart! I wonder if this happens often? I wonder if it will happen to me... I don't want it it, neither does my WH, but I guess those two felt like that, too, and still...?

What are your thoughts? Does this happen a lot? Don't lie, but be gentle...

DebraVation posted 11/15/2017 16:57 PM

I have seen somewhere (I can't find the link now!) that there is a spike in divorce filing 18-24 months after an affair. I wonder if the stats on reconciliation are overstated because maybe it doesn't take into account this 'delayed' divorcing.

It makes sense to me - you try, you find you still can't deal with it, you divorce.

I don't understand why (in the UK at least) you only have 6 months to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery, because I think there must still be a lot of undecided people at that point.

PS I love 'Real Housewives of Orange County'. It is my guilty pleasure, I watch it when WH is out of the house.

[This message edited by DebraVation at 4:58 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Tentwinkletoes posted 11/15/2017 17:12 PM

I think there's a whole host of reasons for this delayed failure. As previous post mentioned people try and try till they can't try anymore. But you assume improvement and happiness and working on it isn't helping in these cases. Or the good just doesn't outbalance the bad..

Remember they are in the public eye and perhaps their decisions to stay together was for publicity or financial reasons? Also added pressure also they are rich aren't they? So potentially more risky lifestyle for him if he's rich travels has opportunity maybe arrogance and entitlement as well? Could be a serial cheat and you only see the bit that works for the cameras? Maybe they don't genuinely love each other. All for money and show? We just don't know their position.

I think others stay knowing it won't last and do so due to situation with kids or finances or to say they tried. So they aren't really reconciling? Then there's ones who don't do the work keep lying cheating or don't prove themselves rugsweeping whatever. And again they aren't really trying or reconciling....so I'd like to think after a yr or so reconciling truly would make you fairly solid. But my IC said sometime after acceptance for some it's just gone. And I guess that's the sad ones. But really if it's a case the love went because of the betrayal and both tried then it's not worked then it's not a bad way to end. Almost gives closure and maybe improves the relationship for Co parenting etc compared to if it split in the heat of it

[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 5:16 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

1Faith posted 11/15/2017 17:21 PM

I think it does happen but it doesn't HAVE to happen.

Many folks have found themselves in false R or tried to R to find that the A is a deal breaker or they just don't want to be married any longer.

That could happen even without an A.

I would suggest talking with your WH about your fears, your IC and focus on the things you CAN affect.

Try not to connect dots that aren't there.

TrustGone posted 11/15/2017 17:28 PM

It does happen. Some that try to R figure out that the A was a deal breaker and they can't get past it. Others try R, but the WS refuses to do the work needed to heal the BS, themselves, and the marriage (unremorseful WS's). Then you have those that stay for financial/kid reasons and once that is no longer an issue they have detached themselves from the marriage because there is nothing left worth saving. Still others have DDay after DDay until they can't take it anymore.

R is hard work for the WS and the BS. I have seen couples that were fully R'd that the WS cheats again after years of being faithful.

You can't compare your R with others. Everyone is different and circumstances are different. The only thing you can do now is look at his actions.

devastated43 posted 11/15/2017 17:44 PM

I worry about this same thing. I don't know what the future holds but I feel like I am one more big argument away from divorce. That I might explode and say things that I can never take back. Things that she very well deserves to hear.

allusions posted 11/15/2017 17:49 PM

That show isn't real reality. How can it be with a camera shoved in your face all of the time?

Oftencheatedon posted 11/15/2017 17:55 PM

I would have taken back the cheating "love of my life"
In a nanosecond if I'd been given that opportunity. I
was crazy in love with him.

But now years later I can see that it would never have worked long term. We would have parted eventually even if he'd never cheated again. (Highly unlikely).

nekonamida posted 11/15/2017 19:15 PM

I have seen somewhere (I can't find the link now!) that there is a spike in divorce filing 18-24 months after an affair.

This is exactly it. I have been here a few years now and I have found this to be true. More often than not, it's because the WS either doesn't do the work or wants to rugsweep about a year in. Sometimes it's a dealbreaker for the BS but even in a lot of those cases there's an unremorseful WS. It's pretty rare that a BS can't get over it with a consistently remorseful and hardworking WS this late in the game. I have seen it happen maybe 2 or 3 times.

homewrecked2011 posted 11/15/2017 19:28 PM

I have a friend who was a WW 23 years ago. She and her H reconciled and it seems as though they wiil make it. BUT it's because of her determination and commitment to changing her entire lifestyle thru counseling, a great church, total honesty with her H on all issues- financial, etc... She doesn't want to be that person again and knows she has to work her whole life and staying away from the "stinkin thinkin" that is the hallmark of many cheaters, alcoholics, etc.

Trying2Survive1 posted 11/15/2017 19:52 PM

That show is a guilty pleasure of mine as well and I also live in the OC.

Although called a reality show, it really isn’t IMHO. We only get to see them being filmed a few months out of the year and I don’t think most of those ladies are really friends and socialize very much with each other outside of filming.

I was really hoping they could R, but for whatever reason, one or both of them just couldn’t get past it. I know they did some counseling and the vow renewals, etc. but, I never got the idea that either of them, especially the WH saw an IC to work through his reasons for the infidelity. Maybe he did and it wasn’t shown.

I think it’s been painfully obvious for the past two seasons that they were both miserable.

On a more positive note. My H and I have had a successful R of over 4 years now It wasn’t always easy... but it can and does happen!

Jesusismyanchor posted 11/15/2017 20:07 PM

This is TV. I happened to be at a hotel where they were filming this particular show. I was actually in the elevator with a couple of them at one point. Anyway, so much of it was staged for the cameras. Our room was above a dinner they had on a balcony one night. There was so much staging to all of the conversations and drama It was annoying since we could hear it all. The scene was very different once the cameras were gone. Please don't lose sight of this as we are living genuine lives. I'm not sure I would put too much stock In a reality a 'reality' tv show too much. Hugs to you.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 8:08 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

BlackHeartBroken posted 11/15/2017 20:17 PM

Yes--it is TV and that makes a difference...cameras, public eye, but I also agree from the glimpse I did see that they both looked miserable, and WH didn't seem to committed to R.

My WH is away for work this week--I hate travel right now--but I asked him about his thoughts. He said, too bad for them but that's not us and I will work for the rest of my life and I will she you and I will earn your trust. Still, I tell him he's scary. He could change back. He could quit. He could do it again. Geez--I could quit! I doubt all that but you just never know. I don't think this is a deal breaker for me on its own, but I do think I don't trust him or myself yet. That's for sure.

My kids wanted Chinese the other night. I folded and we ordered it. My fortune cookie said, "What your mind can perceive you can achieve." I thought that was the most timely fortune cookie ever!

OwningItNow posted 11/15/2017 20:28 PM

I do not want to pressure or decide for anyone else, but trying to reconcile is not the same as reconciling. Many divorces occur during the attempt, and that's just how it goes. The WS trying? Sheesh, that's the easy part, not the goal line. Both spouses feeling it? The only thing that matters.

The1stWife posted 11/15/2017 20:34 PM

I think sometimes D comes after R not because of the A alone but as an eye opener to the REAL person the CS was / is.

Don’t we all see our spouses in a whole new light after infidelity? I do.

And my H was one no one would ever expect would be a cheater.

If we did not R and we did D it would have not been just b/c he cheated. It would have been other issues as well. But that is just us.

And even though we have R I don’t think for one minute this is forever. Because when your H walks in the door and says out of the blue that he wants a D - well that is enough to rock your world. And I will never be on a 100% solid foundation again.

Iwantmyglasses posted 11/15/2017 22:18 PM

Blackheart,

I asked you a long time again if you believe you had power over your own mind. At the time you said you didn’t.

How do you feel now?

BlackHeartBroken posted 11/16/2017 11:04 AM

Well, I feel like I have more, but I still go places when I see or hear things, although I'm better about moving away and not getting as stuck. I think!

sisoon posted 11/16/2017 14:58 PM

IIRC, Shirley Glass wrote that in her practice (i.e. among the people she treated) 20% of the couples who said they wanted to R did not, in fact, R.

My IC said that the 20% were probably couples in which one or both partners didn't do the necessary work, but that's speculation.

devastedone posted 11/16/2017 17:37 PM

I think there is a spike at 18-24 months out because that is when the "real" work begins. And many people don't truly expect that at that "far" out, it will still be so difficult.

I am sure many WSs hope that at almost 2 years out, life will be back to normal. We all know that is not the norm. Those who can't handle it, bail.

Please note, that I am not judging either way-I have MANY times, thought it would be "easier" to just walk away. I am fully aware, that for some, D is the best option, for others, not so much. I do not judge either way as R in my house, is truly one day at a time.

WhoTheBleep posted 11/16/2017 19:12 PM

Yeah, it happens. Ask me how I know.