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Being Selfish?

bjjmc posted 11/15/2017 18:14 PM

I don't know what to do. Several weeks ago I asked my WH to write a timeline of his 19 month A - I want all the details..where he was, what they did together, how he felt, etc. Ive thought long and hard about this and really do feel its important to me for my healing and to help us to R.
My WH and I are only together on weekends as he works in another city. When we have things to talk about that I know will be hard and that we'll need time to process I try to make sure to start the conversations on Friday so we have Saturday & Sunday to work through while still face to face.
He completed the time line several weeks ago but last weekend we were out of town together visiting our DD & her family to celebrate her new baby expected next spring so, obviously not the time to look at it. I was planning to sit down with him this weekend with the timeline and ask all the questions I need to ask. But...my DD suffered a miscarriage today (Wednesday). My WH is very very sad (he loves!! babies and being a grandpa). I'm sad for my daughter and wish, as a mom, that I could do something to make things all better for her but know that I can't. She's doing ok, has good support around her and has told me she doesn't need me to come back to see her. I'm doing ok.
I want to get this timeline conversation started so I can begin to process those feelings and keep moving forward. Do I let it go another weekend to give my WH time to grieve? Do I acknowledge his sadness then put his feet to the fire? I really don't know - I want my needs taken are of, I want to be selfish but.....I feel like I'm being mean if I keep pushing my own agenda. Help!

prissy4lyfe posted 11/15/2017 18:31 PM

Why are you taking yourself out of the equation?

You have been pregnant...you know what an emotional experience that is
You love being a grandma
You lost a grandchild
Your baby is hurting & sad

And your husband had an affair. Your needs are important.

bjjmc posted 11/15/2017 18:41 PM

prissy4lyfe you're absolutely right! Maybe what I'm struggling with is that I'm sad for my daughter but I'm also sad for me both as a grandma but also as a BS and I don't know how to take care of both! Plus I get all f#%^king caught up in taking care of my WH's feelings as well. Classic caregiver!! I have been horrible my whole life at letting other people take care of me...time to learn how.

Skan posted 11/15/2017 19:26 PM

I'm so sorry about the loss of your grandchild. I've been in your DDs shoes and it's a hard place to be. I'm glad that she seems to have the support that she needs at this time.

Thing is, there will never, ever, be a good time for these necessary talks with your WH. Never. This is a time for you to be selfish, in that, you need to put yourself and your needs first. It's really more of self-care than selfish, frankly. Your needs, your sorrow, your pain matter. Do what YOU need to do, to move on towards health and healing.

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