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He Finally Came Clean

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tspaulding posted 11/17/2017 10:04 AM

I have been married to my husband for 10 years. We have been together for 11. Iím not his first marriage. My husband and I have had what I thought was a beautiful solid marriage. All of our friends and family looked up to us as a couple. Weíve always been able to talk to one another and have always been supportive.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I had a feeling something was going on with my husband. He seemed distant. So I asked him what was going on. He struggled to tell me but finally told me he was no longer happy. I will admit that intimacy in our marriage was pretty much non-existent. He never really planned date nights and our life was pretty boring. However, it hurt me to hear that he was unhappy. So I promised that we would work on things. He agreed.

3 days later, I still have a gut feeling something was off. I ask again whatís the problem. This time he tells me heís no longer attracted to me. That crushed me. It hurt me in the worst way. I asked how long he had been feeling this way. He said for a long time. I asked him why he never came to me and told me before it got so far. He said because he didnít want to hurt me. I had picked up weight and let myself go a little. However so had he.

So I started to get up everyday and make myself pretty. I went out and bought sexy panties and a few new outfits. We started to have sex like hot cakes. I planned a romantic evening away for us to a hotel. Our kids that live at home are 17 and 14. So I was going to have my 20 year old come and stay with them while we were away. This was me trying to put fire back in our marriage.

The day that we were supposed to go to the hotel, something in my guy told me to check our phone records. Sure enough I noticed that he had been texting and receiving text messages from a certain number. A lot of them were during work hours so I figured it could be a co-worker. But when I saw that they were texting at almost midnight, I knew something was wrong.

I sent him a message and told him I needed to talk with him when he got off work. I searched the internet and found out who the number belonged to. I already knew this females name because he had discussed her, they were coming-workers.

I confronted him and he admitted that they were talking and getting to know one another. He said it was because he wasnít attracted to me anymore. He denied sleeping with her. He apologized and said he would never do it again. I demanded that he end it. He sent her a text message saying I knew and that it had to end. What I didnít know was after that text, he sent her another one telling her he would explain later.

Turns out he had been having an affair with this young lady (heís 44 and she is 29) . He told me that he loves me but is no longer in love with me. He finally confessed to sleeping with her. He told me he was trying to get caught and he was doing things to try to make me put him out. He decided he wanted to get an apartment and see what can happen with this young lady. He says he had deep feelings for her and that he limbed her. Iím shocked!!!! Like you love her after 4 weeks (the current length of the affair). Like you want to throw your marriage away for 4 weeks.

He said sheís willing to do anything for him and loves him. He said he still wears his wedding ring when heís with her because heís still married and she doesnít have a problem with that. He said she told him she would wait for him.

So then we decide we want to try to work things out. Yes even after all of that. He tells her and she completely falls apart. She thought he loved her. Why. Why would he do this to her. He begins to feel bad for her because remember he loves her. They have connected and she reminds him of me in the beginning of our relationship-those are his words. So I tell him he can no longer stay in contact with her if he wants to stay and make it work. He says ok.

Well heís been communicating with her on his work cell phone. Which now is a problem. She keeps calling and texting him from different numbers. He claims heís ignoring her calls and messages. So yesterday I told him that I wanted the passcode to that phone. I used to have it but he changed it so he could cheat with her. I told him if he was telling the truth that he isnít communicating with her and that he wants to build the trust back up with me...he wouldnít have a problem giving it to me. I told him if you donít have anything to hide, you wonít have a problem giving it to me.

He blew up and refused to give me the passcode. At that moment I knew he was lying to me and is sill communicating with her. Itís like heís trying to protect her. I already have her contact info. If I wanted to call her, I could. But I have way too much self control for that. Well he told me it was his work phone and he doesnít have to give me the code and that I should just trust his word.

I told him I was done. There was no need to fight for someone who doesnít want to fight as well. We had an appointment to start marriage counseling Monday. I told him, Iím still going for myself. However, I told him at some point I have to have some self-respect. I donít deserve this. I told him itís obvious he wants to be with her.

All he could say was he loves me, never meant to hurt me, and is sorry. I told him he needs to prepare to move out. She can have him and he can have her. But I told him he was kidding himself if he thought that a relationship built on lies would be successful. I told him she will have trust issues with you.

He never said heís moving out, but I want him to. He hit me with some BS that heís hurt too because heís about to loose his best friend. Like what dude? He said he would run the numbers and see about moving out. I told him that should make him happy, now he can go be with her. He didnít say anything but...stop.

He left this morning with his wedding ring on. Like what???? Dude you have checked out of this marriage and youíre still wearing your wedding ring. We just went a day ago and bought you a watch that would specifically coridnate witn your wedding band.

Like what is wrong with this guy? I have no clue who he is. Itís like aliens came and abducted my husband. This is not the person I married. Itís loke heís done a complete 360.

Iím so confused as to why he wants to still wear his wedding ring. It could be so his co-workers donít question him. I sent him a text and told him I have no clue why he put that ring back on. That I gave him what he had been wanting me to give him...an out. His response was he still wears his ring because he is still my husband. ???? Like am I crazy to think thatís crazy? At this point youíre planning to move out to be with your lover. We are only married on paper. I swear I am so confused.

Help!!!!!

Jesusismyanchor posted 11/17/2017 10:16 AM

I'm so sorry you are here. It is devastating. He is in a crazy fog. Don't join him. He doesn't make sense because he doesn't! His thinking is screwed up. I personally think he in in denial and limbo. I suggest to not stay there with him. There are true And reak consequences to his choices and actions. Why does he get to decide if moving out makes financial sense? Forget that!

The biggest likelihood is him waking up is with consequences.

Hugs to you!

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 10:19 AM, November 17th (Friday)]

TrustGone posted 11/17/2017 10:23 AM

Welcome to SI. I wished you didn't have to be here, however it is a great place for advice, venting, support, resources, etc...

Please read in the Healing Library, upper left corner, yellow box. It has a lot of really good information. Also know that this really has nothing to do with you or what you did or did not do. It is all on him and his brokenness. You did not cause him to cheat. He had other options. Do not let him manipulate you with more lies. It appears he is not remorseful and you can't fix this by yourself. Ask me how I know.

Be sure to eat, drink (non-alcoholic), and rest. This takes an emotional toll and can affect you in negative ways health wise. If you need meds to help you, then see your PCP. Also get tested for STD's.

I know how hard and heartbreaking this is. Others will be along to help you get on the roller coaster ride and make sure you are buckled in. (((HUGS)))

annb posted 11/17/2017 10:37 AM

Hi, welcome to SI. So glad you found us, so sorry you are now a member of this club no one wants to join.

Have you outed him to TRUSTED family and friends? Many times the best way to end an affair is to shine the light on it.

Also, like yesterday, meet with several attorneys for consults. Just for knowledge. He has to understand that you will not tolerate the disrespect, and you will not live your life in limbo while he is cake eating. Close the bakery one way or the other. Let him feel the consequences, the financial strain, don't allow him to play ping pong with your life.

Right now he is living a fantasy, burst his bubble. Find your inner strength and anger and use it to drive you forward. He is driving this bus, put yourself in the driver's seat.

Understand cheaters lie. The A could have been going on for a lot longer than he's told you.

Most importantly, please don't allow yourself to be Plan B. Is he thinking he wants to try her out, and if it doesn't work out, just come walking back into your life?

Please make an appt. with your MD to get tested for STDS asap.

BTW, are you financially independent? You could consider outing him to HR if it will not affect your financial needs.

Hugs...

tspaulding posted 11/17/2017 10:46 AM

Thank you all for the kind replies.

Iíve already been tested for STDís.

As you were all typing your responses, he FaceTimed me. I think that me telling him he could go gave him an epiphany.

He just confessed that has been very selfish and foolish. He said he was about to loose everything over something that he couldnít even guarantee would work. He said Iíve been there through everything with him and he was about to mess all that up. He said he wants to be with his wife and that he wants to earn my forgiveness.

He says he will give me the passcode to his phone, his email log in info, and anything else I want. He said it she sends him a message he will come home and show it to me and will not delete the messages. Heís ready to be open and translate to win my trust back. He wants to do all the things in life we said we would do. He says heís so sorry and that heís just been so stupid. He said he was stupid to even be looking for anything in someone else when he has everything he needs in me. He was just being foolish. He canít face the fact he would never be able to hold me again and be part of my life.

He said he knows it will take a long time but heís willing to do whatever I ask of him.

I made no promises and Iím basically just taking all of that in.

Prior to this he never gave me a reason not to trust him. This is just so hard.

nothisfriend posted 11/17/2017 11:05 AM

Sure he'll give it to you now because
a) he's deleted all their correspondence and
b) he might have a burner phone or they've taken their relationship more underground.

Please don't trust him. He has to SHOW you, over and over, that he is working to regain your trust.

annb posted 11/17/2017 11:07 AM

Hi, please read the Tactical Primer at the top of this page.

Also keep in mind many times the A could go underground, a burner phone, new email, etc. Perhaps OW dumped him? Maybe he realized he cannot afford to pay rent?

He cheated, his words are meaningless. It will take YEARS to regain your trust. ACTIONS will prove him trustworthy.

He has to be completely transparent, giving you access to everything including work emails/voicemails. He can hand over his phone and you can do a recovery to find out everything that transpired with the two of them. No socializing on the job with these women.

Accountable for his whereabouts at all times.

If he works with her, time to find a new job. Non-negotiable. You will never have peace with the two of them in the same environment daily. The A could start up again very easily.

Please be very, very vigilant. The husband of my husband's affair partner found out about the A. He confronted his wife and my husband. They said they would stop, blah, blah, blah, the A only got more heated.

He has to earn your forgiveness. I mean do everything you need him to do so you can eventually feel like he is a safe partner again IF you decide to stay in the marriage. Reconciliation is a gift. It's a marathon, not a sprint. You will not recover in weeks or months, it will take years of his consistent actions.

The bottom line is right now he is not trustworthy. At all. I would question his motives.

[This message edited by annb at 11:09 AM, November 17th (Friday)]

tspaulding posted 11/17/2017 11:43 AM

I agree 100 percent that heís not to be trusted.

The female no longer works at his job anymore so that isnít an issue. But he was seeing her still after she got fired.

Iím not making any decisions right now because I donít fully trust him. And I told him such. He has done so much and it hurts.

There is no freaking way I would give in that fast to him. If I do decide to try to work on the marriage. I will make him work like hell to win me back. I want all of his log-in info and the passcode to his phone. I donít think he has a burner phone because heís been talking to her on the work phone. So the work phone was the issue. Not heís saying he will give me that passcode. He has FaceTimeíd me again. He said after he told her she sent him an e-mail. Now he says when he gets home he will show me the email and answer any questions I may have. He claims he finally ready to be as transparent as possible.

So I am not giving in easy. Thank you guys for giving me courage. I needed it.

Sending virtual hugs to you all!

Forks027 posted 11/17/2017 11:55 AM

Be careful. Those are all pretty words, but it will come down to his actions and how consistent he is with them. Make it a requirement for him to go to individual counseling and figure out his sh!t before you can even entertain reconciliation. Are you in individual counseling yourself?

[This message edited by Forks027 at 12:09 PM, November 17th (Friday)]

tspaulding posted 11/17/2017 11:57 AM

We both start individual counseling Monday.

barleysugar posted 11/17/2017 11:59 AM

I can see myself in your sad post, I could have written it as it is very similar to my story.
The trouble is I didn't listen and I feel neither will you. We are so traumatised CANNOT believe it his happening ,WE do EVERYTHIN to keep them loving us .
Truth is that YES they DO love us as best they are capable of. But and its a BIG but, they are well in a dense FOG!!
Go to the healing library you will find out how this FOG affects us.
It took our men years/months to fall out of love with us so WHY do you believe he hasn't "LOVED" OW for longer than he dare admit.
Its because we WANT to believe them and my FWH said "ALL SORTS OF EVERYTHING" whilst looking in my eyes.
OF course I loved him SO much I wanted every word to be true.
MY poor friend it may not even resemble the truth (if he even knows what the truth is)
THE BLOODY FOG will stop him seeing how it really is!!!
Personally I went through 6 more months of pure HELL. the last poster is spot on my FWH had another phone, another secret E.MAIL address .the lengths they are capable of going to while they foggily believe they are in love is beyond amazing.
Maybe he had a hit of reality Or worse still OW could have been watching sat just out of sight(why face time? come on THINK) this sadly happened to me.
IF YOU WANT YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
Just try to listen/read the 360 in the healing library .
NONE of us can advise you just point out things you COULD expect yet as each marriage/relationship is different only you can do this.
I wish you well and hope you do NOT become as hurt as I continued to be ,in the end they got you!!! know you will forgive them before you should.
Good luck

tspaulding posted 11/17/2017 12:02 PM

Itís so hard because I love him so much.

Iím just going to take some time to think about some things. Itís a lot right now.

Forks027 posted 11/17/2017 12:10 PM

Also, be wary about that email and their communications. It could very well be one scripted by both of them to further deceive you. Yes, cheaters would actually stoop that low and it isn't the first time I've seen it happen. As long as they're still in contact, run on the assumption that they could be planning anything.

It's time to start loving yourself now.

psychmom posted 11/17/2017 12:10 PM

My heart is hurting reading your story, tspaulding. Maybe because our youngest was 18 at the time of my DDay, maybe because my H was infatuated with a much younger woman (well, she was only a few years older than our oldest daughter).

You have received some excellent advice already. Please do the reading suggested. Assume at this point he is still a cheating, lying, manipulator (which he likely is at this point; he's simply now in crisis mode since things are getting REAL now and he's freaking out). But affairs like this do not just end overnight. No way. You have a ways yet to go to get your M back in order.

I outed my H and his 2nd OW (yes, things go really weird before they got better as I discovered the extent of his cheating ways) in a huge, ugly way, and it was the best thing ever. No way in hell were they able to even look in each other's direction without the entire company staring them down. Exposure sucks the life out of an affair quicker than most anything, because much of the "excitement" is based on "getting away with something because I'm just so damn hot and smart!"

My M has survived and my H turned around almost immediately when he realized what he was about to lose, and what he could gain if he chose to do the work on himself. He didn't want to be known as the sleazeball cheater to his daughters, to me, to himself. He learned very quickly what truly mattered to him, and in that moment he committed his life to working to regain his self-respect and the respect of others. I sincerely wish you well in your personal journey. You will find this site a godsend as things come up that you need to share -- much like a good set of friends who you can just let it all out with. All the best to you, tspaulding.

tspaulding posted 11/17/2017 12:17 PM

Psychmom,

Thank you so much for all of the great advice. And everyone else as well. I am reading information on this site right now.

I have a lot of thinking to do. I donít know what I will do. I would be lying if I said I donít want to give him a chance. He would have to work damn hard to prove himself to me. However, at this point, I just need time to think. Iím tired and havenít slept all night. I just need to give myself time.

Psychmom, Iím glad your marriage survived the affairs. I hope your husband treats you well and realizes what he has and will never cheat on you again.

Thank you all so much. It means the world to me.

barleysugar posted 11/17/2017 12:24 PM

Oh my friend ,I felt exactly the same . We had met as kids had no other sexual partners had been married for more years than you have lived.
I adored my FWH and it nearly killed me(literally)
I could sense that he was still lying to me yet REFUSED to believe it possible ,I was blinded by my love for him. I BLOODY WELL WANTED TO BELIEVE HIM!!!
I lost weight, did myself up trying to be like HER so he would choose ME. she was 20 years younger than us and when he didn't leave me as she expected these woman hatch plans to manipulate you into the way THEY want him to be.
He cannot have seen through this rotten fog yet.Most of them truly grieve for the OW until that blasted fog lifts .
It could be a financial thing as they stand to lose a lot.
What I want you to see in my post IS FWH!! SO IT DID END, but not before she had shown him her true colours lol.
He was sent into hospital and his special phone was hidden in his inside pocket as he lay there in bed it kept on beeping as message after message came in. The nurse asked me to switch it off!! I found it as he was unconscious after a terrible fall.I didn't recognise the bloody thing so didn't know his pin to get into it but as yet another beep happened I could see it on the screen "it said" what are you playing at? why ignore me ,stop pandering to that old cow and stop spending money we need to begin our new life together,you are being ridiculous ,I should be there not her TELL HER as you promised!" Even thinking you know something is NOT as bad as Knowing for certain so I was broken once again went back to our hotel room and cried feeling SO hurt I took an overdose luckily I was abroad on holiday and didn't have enough tablets with me to kill me but Boy was I ill.
Still he didn't leave her and my HELL went on and on and on.
BUT IT DID END AND THEN WE CAN FORGIVE but lovely woman you will NEVER forget or truly 100% understand you are on a rollercoaster my friend .BE STRONG ,STAY STRONG and remember my horrible time was nearly 4 years ago.
BUT WE ARE EVENTUALLY OK, not the same as it was BUT OK
I send you a 10000 hugs

Freeme posted 11/17/2017 12:34 PM

When he said he would give you the phone logs is he giving you the ones for the past week?

Do you have access to all of his CC to check and see if he is buying a burner phone or has bought GF anything? She lost her job... I'd wonder who is supporting her.

Do you know why GF was fired?

I understand why you want to give him another chance and I'm glad you are wary. I'd hide a VAR in his car. If he is talking to her you will know.

I second the guess that he might have bought a burner phone and he is using prepaid minutes on it. He went from Hell No you can't look at my WORK Phone.. I love her... to OK, Ill be transparent too suddenly. My guess is that they have worked something else out as far as communications. Remember OW didn't mind him being married. I doubt she is going to drop him that easily.

You don't have to say the words Divorce. You can tell him that each time you catch him in a lie you detach a little more from him. That it is going to be very hard for you to trust him again. If he wants this marriage to work he needs go full NC with her and to tell you each and every time she contacts him...even if she butt dials him.

I don't think you have heard the last of her so you've got to get it in his head how important NC is to you.

Good luck

Justabranch posted 11/17/2017 12:46 PM

Iím so confused as to why he wants to still wear his wedding ring.

Ugh. My WW never took off her wedding band during her trysts in a cheap hotel with OM. She told me that OM said that he felt he was placed in my WW's life to help her with her marriage, so she felt inclined to keep the rings on.

I assure you, I am not making this up.

tspaulding posted 11/17/2017 12:50 PM

Freeme,

Saying this is difficult is an understatement. To answer questions.

Yesterday I asked for the passcode to his work phone and he didnít want to give it to me. The work phone is how he communicated with her the most. But also e-mail.


I pay all of the bills. When I say that I donít mean it in a sense that I financially pay all of the bills. What I mean is each month I am the one that physically makes the payments to each bill. I have access to all of our bank accounts and credit cards. Trust me I have checked our account throughly, I donít see any purchase of a burner phone. But I donít think it would show up as ďburnerĒ phone on our bank account info. Prior to this affair he was always transparent with me. He never hide anything. He was the one that calls when heís off work on his way home. Calls and ask can he buy himself lunch for the day. Not because I required him to do so but because thatís what he chose to do.


The chick got fired because she was a temp and her and another co-worker had some words. My husband works for the government. So since she was a temp, they fired both her and the other temp. Sheís been gone from the job for 2 weeks.

The affair between her and him lasted 4 weeks.

He told me after she lost her job she was filing for unemployment. So I guess thatís how she supports herself until she gets another job. I know heís not taking care of her because I would see the money trail.

According to him he has decided that his marriage means more to him than a 4 week affair. 🙄. Iím just repeating what he told me, so go easy on me guys. He said that he realized what he was about to loose and he doesnít want to loose me. He says heís willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make this right. Heís willing to go to counseling, provide me with all phone passcode, e-mail log in info, and anything else I ask for. He swears he is willing to do whatever it takes.

He told me that he told her he is cutting off all communication with her. He said he told her that he will never contact her again and he wants her to never contact him. He said she sent him an e-mail telling him she respects his decision and she will leave him alone. Thatís the e-mail he says he will show me when he gets home today.

We really didnít discuss me getting a phone log for that phone. Itís a company phone provided by the government so Iím not sure he has access to that info. However, I will be sure to ask.

Freeme posted 11/17/2017 13:22 PM

tspaulding, thanks for the reply/answers. I'm so glad to hear that you keep track of the finances. So you would have noticed any major chunks of money taken out. Also glad she was a temp and is gone... Was your WH the one that told you why she was fired? Also, how do you know the A has only been going on for 4 weeks?

Anyway, when he get's home check to see if he deleted all of the messages between them from the day before from his work phone. See if you can retrieve any of them. What bothers me is how strongly he objected to you getting the phone...followed by such a whole harted "I see the light...I want you..." The two extremes give me pause. It makes me think either they worked out a plan to keep in contact OR he had some extremely damning text on that phone...

OW sounds like complete trash and he might have realized that. I don't want to sound like I don't think this marriage can be saved or that you shouldn't give him another chance. I just think you need to be careful.

Watch his actions not his words. He says he will give you complete transparency ... but does he seem angry when you take his phone? Does he say he doen't want any contact with her but you notice lots of deleted messages? Does he say he wants to win you back but is annoyed with your questions and wants you to "get over it?"... Make sure he gets an STD test before you become intimate.

[This message edited by Freeme at 2:37 PM, November 17th (Friday)]

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