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Friends With Benefits

nofoollikean posted 11/18/2017 17:16 PM

Women and men - what have you experienced? Did FWB work for you? Why or why not?

babypuke posted 11/19/2017 09:05 AM

I can tell you this out of my personal experience with dating persons who did have a FWB before they met me:

Each person that I date that tells me, sooner or later, that they had, or have but will end, a FWB gets dumped immediately, no further questions asked, FWB is a major red flag for multiple reasons.

shiloe posted 11/19/2017 09:09 AM

Nope. Not something I would want to try. From what I have read, the woman usually gets hurt cuz she eventually wants more.

This arrangement is also known as "Fuckbuddies" STD's high probability.

No. Not for me. I can't just have sex and not get attached.

[This message edited by shiloe at 9:10 AM, November 19th (Sunday)]

cdagal posted 11/19/2017 10:09 AM

I started a ;FWB a couple of years ago. I had my reservations particularly concerning my feelings and getting in too deep. In fact I suspended it for Quite some time because of those concerns. During that time I really looked at what I wanted in life. I also really looked at the two of us to analyze what I really wanted from this friendship. He is one of my dearest friends. I trust him completely. But I know that neither of us wants a traditional relationship. We both value our privacy and the ability to make decisions independently. I also know that I have no interest in giving up that freedom. Nor does he. I am in my late 50s. He is in his mid 60s. Neither of us will likely get into a committed relationship at this stage of our lives. So with that introspection I knew that I could emotionally deal with a sexual connection. Sexually he is everything I want and so am I for him. We revel in our ability to completely give ourselves to each other on a regular basis and then watch the hockey game or listen to music or just shoot the shit. Our friendship is solid. I love this man. He loves me. But we haven't interest in making it more. Will this continue to be the case? Who knows. What I do know though is that if our sexual relationship should end tomorrow we will continue tolove each other. Just to add I never dreamed that I would do this. I always thought I was pretty mainstream. Turns out that loving yourself can open up a whole world of opportunities.

nofoollikean posted 11/19/2017 10:34 AM

Thanks for the feedback. It would be interesting to hear from a male about this. I particularly relate to the person who is closer to my age. When i was young - 20-30's - i haD A BEST FRIEND for at least 15 years and once in a blue moon we had sex. It didn't change anything. More recently, i have been in an FWB relationship with someone i have only known over a year, and originally we were in a relationship until he decided i wasn't the one and broke my heart. We do love each other. We do enjoy each others company. He is likely never going to see the light and think i am the one. I can accept all of that. What i don't like is hearing about the women he is interested in, especially ones i know, because then it feel like a competition. So, i don't know if i can handle it. But, the sex is great and so is the friendship. Can i get my female ego out of the way? Not sure

shiloe posted 11/19/2017 10:49 AM

What i don't like is hearing about the women he is interested in, especially ones i know, because then it feel like a competition
.

Well at least he's not lying to you or stringing you along.

You're just another one to him basically.

Bed hopping?

Oh the Irony posted 11/19/2017 11:01 AM

Hey, there probably isn't "a light for him to see". He's decided you aren't "the one". Believe him. I don't see this as a great thing for you.

Find someone else to be have sex with, or be FWBs. If I want sex, it helps me to pick someone that is emotionally unavailable for a relationship and that isn't someone I would want one with if they were. That makes it that even if i develop feelings (which I will) then I know I don't want a relationship with him.

You sound like you still do want a relationship, and watching and hearing about him dating others DOES NOT SOUND LIKE FUN OR BEING KIND TO YOURSELF.

cdagal posted 11/19/2017 11:12 AM

Admittedly my situation is a bit different. He is not seeing anyone else nor am I. we discussed boundaries and we both agreed that if we were seeing other people at the same time we would let the other know. Specifically for health reasons I want to know if we should use protection. I know he's clean and he knows the same about me. i wouldn't want to know details about any other dalliances just that they are happening. Then I can make an informed decision. It does make me sad that the normal reaction to such an arrangement is usually met with a raised eyebrow that somehow I am getting the short end of the stick somehow. I think it all depends on what you want out of life I've done the marriage kids picket fence thing. I've worked hard to get to a really good place in my life. The decisions imake now are right for me at this stage of my life. I don't consider it to be some kind of runner up relationship. It works for us. It doesn't work for others doesn't mean it's somehow substandard. Jmho

cdagal posted 11/19/2017 11:45 AM

I wanted to add that a FWB relationship Shouldn't be viewed as a consolation prize that you accept because he doesn't want to commit to you. It should be because that is what you have chosen not what you have been offered. I am concerned from your description that this arrangement is all you've been offered so you take it. Don't let that be your reason. I'm all for enjoying the present. If this relationship gives you what you want then go for it. But if it's only to bide time until he "comes to his senses" you may be in for disappointment. Good luck.

shiloe posted 11/19/2017 13:20 PM

and originally we were in a relationship until he decided i wasn't the one and broke my heart. We do love each other.

I am sure you are not the first that thought you were in a exclusive R with and then he wanted to see other women. Men usually have to act like they want a R in the beginning to get the woman to be intimate, not always, but a lot of woman won't sleep with him if he is honest.

You may love him but he does not love you. Not the way you do him.

Sounds like being with another cheater, only he tells you he sleeping with other women...


Nofool -is this same man you are talking about the same one you wrote this about:

I met and started dating this guy over a year ago from a dating site. He is utterly charming, tells me he loves me, acts like he wants to be with me and then breaks up with me. It has been 5 times in a year. The whole time he is with me he is looking on various dating and dating/fetish sites, so when he breaks up he immediately goes on to the next one. Has anyone had this experience? I feel devastated

and I can't believe he discarded my again. But, he did. He turned into a Jeykll and Hyde. And, he gets all kinds of women on his fetish sites, often in their 20's, he is 62. I don't have anything else going on in my life
.

If it is, he sounds very unsafe to have sex with.

[This message edited by shiloe at 1:26 PM, November 19th (Sunday)]

LilBlackCat posted 11/19/2017 15:40 PM

I think a FWB relationship is a good thing, being that regardless of anything.. we all deserve to have some intimate happiness in our lives.

I think it all depends on being able to find someone and being able to have boundaries both can uphold.

I may be partially sided to this, since I've been a bus rider for good while now..

lostandbound posted 11/19/2017 16:32 PM

This guy does not sound like he is truly your friend. I think it would be best to have no further contact with him

twicefooled posted 11/19/2017 18:01 PM

I have a FWB. We have slept with each other, on and off, over the past 2.5 years.

I stopped seeing him when I got into a relationship for a year. That relationship taught me that I don't have enough time to give to a "real" relationship for the time being.

We mutually use each other and meet up about every 2 weeks. He has a very demanding job and 2 kiddos, and i have the same.

It works for us and we are open and honest with each other. We use protection.

I like my FWB situation. It works for us.

Greeneyesbluezy posted 11/19/2017 19:13 PM

No fool,

Listen to yourself. He decided you weren’t the one. And, that broke your heart.

Your own words speak volumes.

Your FWB is using you. And, telling all about the women he really wants to be with. That is, and should be, a gut punch.

Hobbyist posted 11/20/2017 10:50 AM

Isn't the definition of FWB that two people are mutually using each other? If it's not mutual, it won't work.

BTW, I've done it, nor want to - if I'm ready for sex with someone, it's exclusive and feelings are involved.

mizunomead posted 11/20/2017 11:07 AM

I ended up with a FWB shortly after my divorce was final. I wasn't really looking for it. She sought me out. And a ONS turned into a FWB...I was busy and not looking for a relationship. She was freshly divorced, had 4 kids, not ready to dive into something else. Just looking for physical fun.

I worked pretty well at least on my side for awhile. We had discussed how it would not be more then that etc up front and during....

Problem ended up being that she caught feelings for me. I think i was actually doing the same also. I was just still denying it to myself. Second problem was that she was actually still married, quasi separated, no divorce started and basically seduced me as a RA, then decided that she liked it and turned it into more....

Anyways, after that i was pretty much not on board with FWB....After that ONS worked better for me for a while...then i just swore off women for a while. Then met SO a while later.

I think in retrospect they are fine, but more then likely one of the two are gonna want more eventually!!!

SonyaR posted 11/20/2017 13:19 PM

I've never actively searched for a FWB online or IRL, but I went on a couple dates post separation, and ended up sleeping with them on more than one occasion. I guess you can say it was more a hook up situation that happened a few times with the same person rather than a true FWB.

One guy was a smoker (who said he was going to quit but hasn't) and I would never date a smoker long term. Another guy was about four inches shorter than me and ideally I prefer to date taller men. I'm 5'11 and he told me he was 5'9 which I thought I could handle, but when we met he's more like 5'7" Regardless he is a great guy, but we are just so different it wouldn't work long term. Anyway, the ladder guy I still see on occasion, but I'm not even sure why. Perhaps I'm just lonely. The sex isn't great at all, and I think it's because I'm not really feeling him, you know? Some of his personality quirks are getting to me. I need more of a connection I guess.

With that said, I've since met this guy who I do feel connected to, but he tells me he isn't sure of what he wants right now or what he's really looking for. He says he sees me as a friend, but then kissed me. Now I'm left to assume he only sees me as a possible FWB which to be honest makes me feel like ass. Despite wanting to sleep with him, I know I would just hope that it would develop into something more and the likeliness of that happening is slim to none so I told him I can't do that.

Sooooo, in other words... FWB isn't really for me. I kinda wish it was though, as right now I'm tired of dating (not sure I'm entirely ready yet), but miss the companionship/intimacy of a relationship.

[This message edited by SonyaR at 1:22 PM, November 20th (Monday)]

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