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Felt the need to share my story

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SimplyReal posted 11/19/2017 15:44 PM

I apologize if this gets long. I have no idea of how much I will say, I simply felt the need to share my pain.

I am 27 (M) and my STBXW is 32. We have been married for 4 years.

I loved this woman. I loved her so much. I finally found true love and she was my first love. Our marriage was mostly fine and she was very loving and attentive. We had minor disagreements as all marriages have but not very often and not that big a deal. Overall two happy people. One thing that always bothered me was that she would stay out late drinking with friends. Occasionally when we went out together, she would get drunk and very subtly flirt with guys. Very subtle, but I could tell. I approached her about her behavior and she promised she would stop and she was very sorry. This was around the first year of marriage.

After that she wouldnít drink as much but still get tipsy. She would even try to drive home in that condition. A lot of our arguments was that she wasnít being safe. Strangely when I went out with my friends she wanted me home early because she needed to be with me, and was paranoid that I would be flirting with girls. I never did anything that would give her suspicion, but I sacrificed time with my friends so she would feel comfortable. No biggie, thatís what marriage is sometimes. Sacrifices. And she was my best friend so I had no problem leaving my other friends to spend time with her.

On our 3rd year anniversary, on the very day she told me she had feelings for a coworker, and they had made out on 3 seperate occasions. I was devastated. I remember she wrote it down on her phone and sat next to me and had me read it. I vividly remember my hands shaking. I was so hurt and so crushed that my wife would do this. She said she was sorry and would make it up to me. We moved on and eventually the pain subsided. I would occasionally think about it and push it away.

In the year that followed everything was pretty ok. On June (this year) she went out bowling with some coworkers. I stayed home because I had homework to do. I remember the time hitting midnight and she wasnít home. We had the same iPhone login or whatever and I was able to do the find my iPhone to see her location. She hadnít replied to my text. Her location showed a hotel. And on Facebook I saw that the guy she made out with was at that bowling event.

Denial hit. I didnít want to believe it happened. When she finally got home she was drunk of course. I questioned her, she denied it. She mentioned they only said hi and that was it. I pushed the thought out of my head even though the odds she was lying was tremendous. I denied my gut instinct.

August comes. Itís very close to our fourth anniversary. I just finished my finals for my summer course. I did great! All Aís. Finally Iím free of class and can come home and spend time with my wife. Maybe weíll go out and celebrate. Go out to eat, maybe just drive somewhere far and enjoy the night. I couldnít wait

I come home and my wife sits me down and says we need to talk. It sounded serious. My heart was pounding. I knew what may come. The thing I was denying for so long. She said she slept with him while drunk.

Iím sure you all know what your feelings are when you find something like that out. I would rather die than experience that sheer pain again. I ran out. I didnít want to hear anymore. I went to my parents house and cried. I hadnít cried in 6 years. I felt physically ill and couldnít eat. I lost weight, I looked sick. She didnít even want to continue the marriage. I cried and did the pick me dance. I still bought her flowers for our anniversary, her favorite. While I did this she blamed me for her cheating. I didnít pay her enough attention, so she sought it elsewhere, despite the sacrifices I made. I went out maybe 4 times max with my buddies and was home by 8. I told her I loved her every day but it wasnít enough I guess.

I found a place to move out. I did. Grabbed all my stuff and left. She filed for divorce and we agreed to split things up mutually. No lawyers. Itís been almost 4 months now.

I tried keeping NC. Did a pretty good job. No more pick me dances, just short responses if she texted me something that was necessary to respond to like finances. I had been ignoring her the past few weeks and texted her today. I told her this would be my last text. I still love her even though Iím trying not to, and that I hope she stays safe. She replied she still loves me too and is glad Iím doing ok.

Reconciliation is off the table. Too much damage has been done. The lying, hiding, and deceit. I would never be able to really get over it. I figure Iím 27, still young, no kids, might as well cut my losses and split. Especially when she isnít that remorseful.

As of now, the nights are tough. Itís lonely. I find no enjoyment in anything anymore. I joined a gym and am working on myself. I still go to school and focus as hard as I can. No time to do stupid stuff like drink my pain away every night or something but itís tough. I cried today over our last text. I half regret texting her that and half donít. I donít know.

I just want the pain to go away. Sometimes I think I wonít ever find someone else. I do miss her, but I miss the person she was before she cheated. The woman who loved me so much and couldnít be without me. Her smile, her touch, the scent of her skin. I really loved her. But itís time to let it go. Itís so hard still even 4 months out.

Thank you for reading. Sorry it was so long.

[This message edited by SimplyReal at 3:59 PM, November 19th (Sunday)]

jackfl posted 11/19/2017 16:04 PM

Iím right there with you brother, and Iím sorry to say that you are here sharing your heartbreaking story. It truly sucks to be put in this position by someone you love more than life itself. Iíve been there and am finally seeing clearly after about 5 months. Just know that you are absolutely doing the right things given the circumstances. Do your best to keep no contact and your low character soon-to-be-X in the rear view mirror. Itís truly the only way to save yourself a life full of misery. Listen to the rest of folks here. They wonít steer you wrong. I listened and put into action their advice and am so grateful that I did. Stay strong and post here every time you feel like you are going to break.

babypuke posted 11/19/2017 16:25 PM

Strength brother, it is tough, I wish you well.

It hurts like hell, but let her go and divorce her, so she can do the lowlife thing(s) that she wants, and you focus on your one and only friend, YOU

You are doing great and you are young, at 32 you will have a 27 year old and will be happy with that ;-) you have a whole world to win!!!

The more you focus on YOU the less you focus on <insert name of that b*tch here>, so do that, strength brother!

Jduff posted 11/19/2017 16:46 PM

SimplyReal, I'm not worried that you will come out your own situation just fine. You are 27, progressed well in your school work and have a LOT to look forward to in your future. It does get better, my friend. It does get better.

What I am worried about is that your XW is going to come back and try to convince you to give her another chance. This will very likely happen. She projects much of her flaws on to others I'm sure because she projected them on to you, having required you to be more at home because she feared you could possibly cheat yet she is the cheater. She is a very toxic person. Keep toxic people out of your life and you will live very well.

Also, understand that you did NOTHING wrong that would have made her cheat. She made that choice all on her own. She blames you because she can't take ownership for her actions. She doesn't want to be accountable. She doesn't want to suffer consequences. You, sir, are far more a mature human being than your XW. She's still the party girl while you are the responsible man who works hard to take care of a spouse. Your XW never deserved the opportunity to be married to you. She just played you to make you thinks she was winderful. But, there is a woman out there that definitely does deserve to meet a valuable man like you. The sooner you move past your old marraige and your XW the sooner you will get there. Time to work on yourself, take good care of yourself, keep working out, maybe upgrade your wardrobe and get a new hair style, change things up a bit so you can feel like a new man. Look into expanding your social circle as well. What are your interests? Are there social groups out theere that meet about those interests?

If your XW did anything good for you it reveal her true self to you early enough and spare you 10 or 20yrs of marraige where you find out that she has been cheating on you that entire time.

Man, if I were 27 again with the wisdom I have now!

Minnesota posted 11/19/2017 16:50 PM

Holy crap that sucks. I'm really sorry that happened to you.

It sounds like you are on the path to healing, even if it doesn't feel like it. You know what you want and you know what you don't want. That is a lot further along than a lot of people around here. You acknowledge that the person you knew as abducted by aliens and the person in her place is not the person you fell in love with.

Grief is a crazy thing. You've got to go through all the stages and then they loop around and get you again. But each time the come around, they will be less intense and won't last as long. Acceptance is one of those stages, and while you're sad and lonely and hurt, it sounds like you've accepted that this is the reality you are living with. Again- not fair. Sucks. But it is. Keep letting grief do what it has to do. Feel the sad, the angry, the "this isn't real" denial, the bargaining with the universe, etc. It's all a part of your healing.

Let us know what we can do to walk this thing out with you. We're with you.

Marz posted 11/19/2017 17:04 PM

On our 3rd year anniversary, on the very day she told me she had feelings for a coworker, and they had made out on 3 seperate occasions. I was devastated. I remember she wrote it down on her phone and sat next to me and had me read it. I vividly remember my hands shaking. I was so hurt and so crushed that my wife would do this. She said she was sorry and would make it up to me. We moved on and eventually the pain subsided. I would occasionally think about it and push it away.

In the year that followed everything was pretty ok. On June (this year) she went out bowling with some coworkers. I stayed home because I had homework to do. I remember the time hitting midnight and she wasnít home. We had the same iPhone login or whatever and I was able to do the find my iPhone to see her location. She hadnít replied to my text. Her location showed a hotel. And on Facebook I saw that the guy she made out with was at that bowling event.

Sorry man but the affair never ended. This wasn't a one night drunken stand. It was an ongoing physical affair.

Just your typical lying cheater. You are better off without her.

SimplyReal posted 11/19/2017 17:34 PM

SimplyReal, I'm not worried that you will come out your own situation just fine. You are 27, progressed well in your school work and have a LOT to look forward to in your future. It does get better, my friend. It does get better.
What I am worried about is that your XW is going to come back and try to convince you to give her another chance. This will very likely happen. She projects much of her flaws on to others I'm sure because she projected them on to you, having required you to be more at home because she feared you could possibly cheat yet she is the cheater. She is a very toxic person. Keep toxic people out of your life and you will live very well.

Also, understand that you did NOTHING wrong that would have made her cheat. She made that choice all on her own. She blames you because she can't take ownership for her actions. She doesn't want to be accountable. She doesn't want to suffer consequences. You, sir, are far more a mature human being than your XW. She's still the party girl while you are the responsible man who works hard to take care of a spouse. Your XW never deserved the opportunity to be married to you. She just played you to make you thinks she was winderful. But, there is a woman out there that definitely does deserve to meet a valuable man like you. The sooner you move past your old marraige and your XW the sooner you will get there. Time to work on yourself, take good care of yourself, keep working out, maybe upgrade your wardrobe and get a new hair style, change things up a bit so you can feel like a new man. Look into expanding your social circle as well. What are your interests? Are there social groups out theere that meet about those interests?

If your XW did anything good for you it reveal her true self to you early enough and spare you 10 or 20yrs of marraige where you find out that she has been cheating on you that entire time.

Man, if I were 27 again with the wisdom I have now!

Thanks for this, and thanks to everyone that has posted thus far.

I blamed myself so much for during the following weeks. I was just in so much pain I was willing to do or say anything for an once of affection from my wife. She instantly became this cold and hateful person seemingly overnight, but probably was just supressing it since she had these feelings for another man for over a year. I guess I was stupid to think it ended. I never really checked up on it I just pushed it out of my mind.

Eventually I stopped blaming myself after starting therapy. That helped, and I'm still going.

An interesting thing to note is that she was married previously, and cheated on that marriage as well (not with me obviously). I knew this before we got married and I felt that it was a learning experience. This is someone who can know exactly what to look out for and within herself to not repeat the same mistake. She can be a better wife, and a more loyal person from learning her own self and her own errors.

Boy was I wrong. But thank you so much for your kind words, it definitely made me feel better as I read them. Today has been a low day for me.

[This message edited by SimplyReal at 5:35 PM, November 19th (Sunday)]

SimplyReal posted 11/19/2017 17:38 PM

Holy crap that sucks. I'm really sorry that happened to you.
It sounds like you are on the path to healing, even if it doesn't feel like it. You know what you want and you know what you don't want. That is a lot further along than a lot of people around here. You acknowledge that the person you knew as abducted by aliens and the person in her place is not the person you fell in love with.

Grief is a crazy thing. You've got to go through all the stages and then they loop around and get you again. But each time the come around, they will be less intense and won't last as long. Acceptance is one of those stages, and while you're sad and lonely and hurt, it sounds like you've accepted that this is the reality you are living with. Again- not fair. Sucks. But it is. Keep letting grief do what it has to do. Feel the sad, the angry, the "this isn't real" denial, the bargaining with the universe, etc. It's all a part of your healing.

Let us know what we can do to walk this thing out with you. We're with you.

Thank you friend. The grief is exactly as you describe. Some days are amazing, and I can laugh a bit and feel normal. Sometimes I feel I've reached the acceptance stage and feel optimistic. Other days I feel whisked right back to the early stage of my grief and feel terrible. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't wake up the next day. Not suicidal, but simply thinking it would be ok to die because I wouldn't feel such pain anymore. But then I remember that in my future, I WILL meet someone else. Someone who is loyal and makes me happy, and someone I love. So I have to stay alive not just for my future wife, but also myself and my family to see that as well.

Strength brother, it is tough, I wish you well.
It hurts like hell, but let her go and divorce her, so she can do the lowlife thing(s) that she wants, and you focus on your one and only friend, YOU

You are doing great and you are young, at 32 you will have a 27 year old and will be happy with that ;-) you have a whole world to win!!!

The more you focus on YOU the less you focus on <insert name of that b*tch here>, so do that, strength brother!

Thank you my friend. Its so hard to let go, but it's necessary.

[This message edited by SimplyReal at 5:39 PM, November 19th (Sunday)]

goalong posted 11/19/2017 18:00 PM

Iím sure you all know what your feelings are when you find something like that out
.
Well it should not have been shocking to you since you chose to ignore several times it happening. Bottom line is she cannot be monogamous even when sane. Better to move on counting your lucky stars that you are still young and have no long term commitments in the marriage such as kids. Looks like our celebrataed national drink alocohol is killer to marriages

Hurtstomycore posted 11/19/2017 18:19 PM

I am so sorry you are here. I hope this doesn't come off as glib, I really don't mean for it to, but at your age, you have SO much life and opportunities agead of you to find a woman who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. This is a blessing...that this happened at your young age, with no kids.

Your age doesn't make your pain any less, I know that. Just know you have so much life left. I hope your healing is swift and full of enrichment.

SerJR posted 11/19/2017 18:33 PM

Welcome here brother...

It sounds like you're putting everything in place that you need to rebuild upon a solid foundation after the devastation that your stbxw wrought upon your marriage and life. You're trying to cut out the toxic parts of your life, you're working on yourself, you respect your rights as an individual, and you're trying to move forward with your life.

Keep moving. Trust me - you will be okay.
It's not easy, but you can do it.

A number of us have walked the same path. But it is a process and it takes time and energy to heal and work through the grieving process. There's no magic bullet - we just have to get through it and to the other side.

But everything you do counts! Every little seed that you plant for your own growth and healing, every relationship that you look to nurture, every little bit of self care, every act of integrity, every step forward you take puts another brick in the building up of your future. Keep faith in yourself brother... you build your own hope with everything you do. Your future will come... and it will be worth everything you put into it. Believe in yourself, and honour the person you are. You will find, no... build that healthier, brighter future for yourself.

-ser

Nycountrystrong posted 11/19/2017 18:43 PM

I've been where you are and it sucks, it truly does. The only thing I would advise you to remember is this. Your wife didn't change into the person you see now, the person capable of hurting you in this way. She was this person all along, it just took awhile for it to show.

Her past behaviors in a previous relationship show that she had this capability all along. Her wanting you home early when you were out alone, needing to keep up always on what you were doing... this was her jealousy in believing you may do what she was doing all along too.

My STBXW, exhibited a lot of the behaviors you state you see in yours. Out drinking with friends, hours of time where she would just disappear, and inappropriately close friendships with poor boundries with male " friends ".

You did nothing to deserve the hurt she heaped on you. She was broken before you were together, and likely will not change in her core behaviors if she hasn't by now.

You, just like I was, were in love with an illusion of who we thought our spouses to be. When they showed their true colors its devastating. You don't miss the person she was, You miss the person you thought her to be. Remember she was never truly that person and you deserve much better than you have been given.

ICaughtThem posted 11/19/2017 19:50 PM

Strangely when I went out with my friends she wanted me home early because she needed to be with me, and was paranoid that I would be flirting with girls.

This is common with cheaters. They are projecting their behavior on their betrayed spouse.

I never really checked up on it I just pushed it out of my mind.

Unfortunately, you rugswept her previous cheating. This is why she continued it.

MidnightRun posted 11/19/2017 21:12 PM

Take the emotional hit, and move on.

At 27, the world is yours. Your wife will reap what she sows.

Tren0R201 posted 11/20/2017 01:00 AM

You're bettering yourself in school.

You're facing the pain and learning from it.

You've removed a negative factor from your life and are moving forward.

Yes being cheated on sucks. but the above three reasons are huge positives and no doubt when you're ready there will be plenty of women waiting for a catch like you who don't cheat.

Keep up with the NC. She doesn't deserve anything from you. Zip. Good on you for respecting yourself.

Tigersrule77 posted 11/20/2017 07:14 AM

Sorry you are dealing with this.

You definitely have the right mindset for moving forward. Time will heal, but everyone's pace is different. Hope yours is fast and you are back to your old self soon.

Justabranch posted 11/20/2017 09:07 AM

An interesting thing to note is that she was married previously, and cheated on that marriage as well

Well, I've learned so many things this past year, but one thing is crystal clear. If I'm ever dating a woman and found that she's cheated in previous relationships, I am running. As fast as I can.

SimplyReal posted 11/20/2017 10:46 AM

Thank you everyone for your kind encouraging words and advice. Sometimes I see happy couples and it still hurts. Sometimes I want my wife back but the reality is I want the wife back that I thought she was. Not who she is now. Itís tough to accept the sudden Instant change that seemed to happen. Im partially in a state of shock still but accepting it more day by day. Itís like she died, but the person I loved killed her. Such a strange feeling.

jinkazama posted 11/20/2017 11:54 AM

Your wife is dead

And dead people do not comeback.

NamasteGirl10 posted 11/20/2017 15:17 PM

I know this hurts a lot. I was 27 when my husband told that he had fallen in love with someone else and that he had found his soulmate in her. He left to be with her. He came back and we 'reconciled'. Fast forward to a year ago. I am now in my 40's and he continued contact with his soulmate for all these years and in addition started several other EA's with other women. Please learn from my experience. You are incredibly young and you have your entire life ahead of you. I promise you that in one year you will look back and wonder why you ever wasted your love on this woman.

[This message edited by NamasteGirl10 at 3:18 PM, November 20th (Monday)]

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