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Trust and Dating

SonyaR posted 11/20/2017 12:24 PM

A few months after separating (Yes, in hindsight it was probably way too soon) I went online as I was lonely and craving a connection like I had with my WS. I wasn't looking for sex, but companionship. I was looking for someone who cared.

I met this guy who seemed nice. He seemed to want what I wanted. Said all the right things, and made me feel sexy (something I haven't felt in a very long time). As it progressed however, there were some red flags. For instance He rarely called (communicated by text mostly). I told him I need to see his place, but he told me his family was in town right now living with him as his sister just had twins and they were helping look after them. He did give me a date of when they were leaving so I thought, okay...maybe he's being truthful and I'm just being paranoid from my previous relationship, so I let it slide. I did that a few times thinking I was just too mistrusting and it was me that was the issue not him.

Fast forward a couple months later and I found out he wasn't single at all! He was in a common-law relationship and had TWO kids, not just one like he told me. I mean WTF?!

It was a big slap in the face -- again! This man had done EXACTLY the same thing my WS did (creating a profile online to cheat), but this time I was the sucker that fell for it. I seriously went from being cheated on, to being the mistress without even wanting to be! Of course the minute I found out, I ended it.

Now however, I have even bigger trust issues than I had before. I'm terrified of being lied to again. Scared of getting hurt again. I can't seem to be able to "go with the flow" with other men as I'd like to because I'm terrified of meeting another guy who will use me again.

How you do handle your trust issues and dating without scaring off someone because of them or putting yourself at risk of getting hurt again? I'm finding it so hard.

[This message edited by SonyaR at 12:38 PM, November 20th (Monday)]

mizunomead posted 11/20/2017 12:41 PM

I would say that work is needed on yourself to work through some of those trust issues before being ready to date again.

Also, i don't worry about total trust. I accept that i probably will never trust 100% again. My SO understands and is fine with that.

I nexted people that did not want to meet fairly quickly and were not reasonably open. If someone acts like they have something to hide...they probably do.

EvenKeel posted 11/20/2017 12:58 PM

How you do handle your trust issues and dating without scaring off someone

I researched the heck out of anyone I was considering going out with...and I told them I did. Ninety-nine percent of the time, they responded with either "Do whatever you have to do to be comfortable..." or "I have nothing to hide so knock yourself you".

I never found a legit guy that did not understand why I was protecting my own safety and they respected that.

mizunomead posted 11/20/2017 13:12 PM

It's funny that you mention the researching of potential date.

When i first messaged my SO on OLD, she online "stalked" me. lol...

SallyShrink81 posted 11/20/2017 13:20 PM

I think you have tools at your finger tips to research people but don't go over board with it.

I also think more importantly you need to trust yourself to make wise decisions. Once you can trust yourself and your decisions no matter what happens you will feel safer. There is never a 100% assurance for anything. Never.

SonyaR posted 11/20/2017 13:58 PM

So the guy I spoke of I tried to research. He said he didn't have facebook or other social media (I know... red flag!), but I tried to find him anyway to no avail. I actually found out as a friend at work (small world) knew him when I showed her a picture of him.

I know I need to go with my gut more. It never lets me down, but for some reason I second guess my gut at times thinking I'm just being overly paranoid. I don't want to second guess everything a guy tells me, but ugh... it looks like I might have to.

Right now I'm talking to another guy who I question if he's married or not. I actually questioned if he was a catfish before I met him! Nope, he's not and so far seems to be legit. I have found him on facebook, but haven't added him (we aren't there yet) and it's not like he has this couples pic or anything, but I'm still a bit worried that I'm yet again going down the wrong road.

Before I met him he didn't want to talk on the phone (hence the cat fishing vibes) as he wanted the first time I met him to be the first time I heard his voice... weird... but I went with it. Now after meeting him he still doesn't call. We communicate only by text. He says he likes me, also doesn't know what he's looking for. He won't set up a solid date for the future, but continues to talk to me. Says he likes things to go natural and he's a go with the flow type. The one time I saw him it was spontaneous. Sooooo.... ugh.... It just sucks as this guy I really like talking to.

I won't do FWB. He doesn't know what he wants, so now it's like we're texting pals. Would a married man just be penpals with a woman talking about random non-sexual boring stuff? I don't know. Maybe I guess. This dating thing is so hard.

[This message edited by SonyaR at 2:00 PM, November 20th (Monday)]

Catwoman posted 11/20/2017 14:24 PM

as he wanted the first time I met him to be the first time I heard his voice... weird... but I went with it.

Very strange. Did you ask why?

Now after meeting him he still doesn't call. We communicate only by text. He says he likes me, also doesn't know what he's looking for. He won't set up a solid date for the future, but continues to talk to me. Says he likes things to go natural and he's a go with the flow type. The one time I saw him it was spontaneous. Sooooo.... ugh.... It just sucks as this guy I really like talking to.

We teach people how to treat us. This doesn't sound like the kind of relationship most people would want to be in. Why are you settling for this?

Perhaps taking some time to figure out who you are and to be comfortable as a single person would be well spent. Otherwise, you're choosing what appear to be marginal people probably because they are paying attention to you. That is not a good setup for a healthy relationship in the least.

Cat

EvenKeel posted 11/20/2017 14:48 PM

When i first messaged my SO on OLD, she online "stalked" me. lol...
I tell guys I will verify they are who they say they are. I am not digging for bank account information but if they say their name is Buddy and that he works at ZYX Company....then he better be Buddy from ZYX Company.

Most times they were exactly who they said and just looking to date. But I have had a few wackos sprinkled in to keep me on my toes (one was really looking for a threesome for his WIFE, another was a registered sex offender and another was married).

Ironically the married guy said he didn't have a FB account either - WRONG.


SonyaR posted 11/20/2017 15:46 PM

Itís not that Iím settling. I have gone on other dates, but lately I donít have any desire to go on any more. Not
because Iím invested in this guy, but simply because Iím so, so tired of it all. Iím tired of guys only looking for one thing.

I have told this last guy that I wonít sleep with him unless we are actually old school dating and even with that it wonít happen fast. I have put up boundaries, He knows Iím not looking for sex, but wishes I would go with the flow more. The weird thing is he doesnít seem to be looking for sex either. It doesnít seem that way anyway. I say that as heís still talking to me after I told him I wouldnít be a FWB, and our conversations are just that... itís not sexting ó at all.

So now I have this pen pal friend situation which wasnít planned but I kinda enjoy the ď companyĒ nonetheless. Out of all the men I have talked to he is by far the one I have enjoyed talking to the most. Perhaps thatís why I canít let him go. I know itís not ideal. I know itís weird, but for now as I try to get my shit together, itís company/companionship and I guess I miss that.

babypuke posted 11/20/2017 18:30 PM

It is not only about finding out whether your date is nice and attractive, and having a good time, but also about finding out about the integrity/red flags of your date. You should also focus on that perhaps.

One thing that I enjoyed doing was asking, in the context of a game (e.g., who scores can ask the other person a question) or telling each other secrets to get to know each other ), 'Impress me, tell me something that you did that was really bad' framed as if it is liked to be bad. This tactic already helped me to uncover a cheater (I cheated on my previous boyfriend and never told him), a thief (I am addicted to steal stuff), and a few other shady types, that I then stopped dating (thanks, I will never start a relationship with you, cheater! thanks, I will never invite you to my house, thief!). You can also casually ask them if you can use their phone to make a phonecall, and look whether they will panic. Etc. Ask enthusiastically about drug use, have you ever...Exes, preferences, etc. Make it a skill, a good person has no red flags.

Of course, there are never any guarantees, but it may help you to weed out the bad apples (many on OLD).

Btw, I also got tired from dating, too many people eho carry dirty secrets. But you never know, some should have some integrity, good luck!

staystrong101 posted 11/20/2017 19:08 PM

Sonya, I'm so sorry you were betrayed by that jerk.

Of course the minute I found out, I ended it
I'm glad you ended it, but I hope you also told his Betrayed Live-in GF that he has been cheating and online dating sites. That poor woman probably has no idea.
I also agree that I will never 100% trust again. I try to protect myself. I'm seeing someone now who seems great. But there's only a certain point I let people really into my life.

rebplay posted 11/21/2017 08:34 AM

Sonya- I understand you're wanting to keep texting the text only guy because your lonely and it's nibbles of attention he's giving you. But when you read that outloud as a neutral person, there's obviously something not right. Either he's not that into you and keeping you hanging on jic when he's bored or he likes to control his women, or something else wierd. If you accept less from him than you know you want, he'll keep you on his fishing line. I'm not being cruel but the red flag is knocking you over girl! When I'm lonely, I call my mom or text gfs or somethg to feel the void. I know it's hard. I'm really sorry. You're worth more.

SonyaR posted 11/21/2017 08:57 AM

rebplay - Oh I know girl. Honesty I know. It's weird and he's definitely just keeping me around to talk to when he's bored. I've even told him that. I'm not holding my breath at all. Just texting like I would any other friend at this point. I'm slowing texting him less and less.

I actually signed up for OLD again last night, but to be honest the idea of having the same conversations with men over and over and over again "Hi how are you, what do you do for a living, what are you looking for? what do you do on your off time" has gotten really old really fast. I'm soooo over it. I might end up deleting the app again today. lol....

When I'm not talking to a guy though this overwhelming loneliness I feel is unbearable whenever I'm not at work and it's extrememly difficult to deal with those sad feelings. I'm getting to the point where I'm actually annoyed at myself as before I met my ex I was single for 8 years. Sure I had lonely moments, but overall I was content with my life and living it. I never expected to get married etc... but now that I was and it got ripped away from me, I just long to have it back. To meet someone again and have that companionship/relationship back. This is what I need to work on I think, and as I try to, I guess I just also was okay with talking to this penpal as weird as it is.

rebplay posted 11/21/2017 10:22 AM

I understand. It's hard to feel that pit of loneliness. It makes it easy to text guys like text only guy lol. You're being human. No judgement from me. I was just worried for you you were accepting his "treatment." I'm glad you know what's up with him. I'm truly sorry you're facing restarting. When we get married we don't expect to be in the dating world again. Having that constant companionship is what we get used to. i respect you for taking a chance and getting out there. You're brave!

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