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Day One - found out this morning

Bailey2007 posted 11/20/2017 14:29 PM

Found out this AM my husband of one year, been together 5 and have a 4 month old, has been sexting men and women...I’m devastated hurt and scared. What happens next? He never talked to me about being interested in men and he hid this separate life so well, I’m shocked and don’t know what to do

BearlyBreathing posted 11/20/2017 14:36 PM

Hi Bailey2007. Sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

You need to do a few things right away. First, do not assume it is only sexting. Hopefully that is true, but you should get STD testing anyway, just in case, and have him do so as well and show you the results.

Second, he needs to come clean about what he has been up to. Transparent, truthful, give you access to all passwords and devices.

Three, get some support IRL. A therapist, a trusted friend. You need an outlet to help you process.

As for your marriage. No need to rush any decisions. Take care of you - eat, sleep, hydrate. Take care of your beautiful baby.

Read the healing library— yellow box in upper corner. Lots of helpful information.

Lastly- keep posting. Tell us more- what is his response, how is he acting, how did you find out?
Many good folks here can help you navigate the roller coaster of emotions.

Sorry this happened to you—-
Sending strength....

Skan posted 11/20/2017 14:57 PM

Hey Bailey! I'm so very sorry that your WH (Wayward Husband, one who cheats) gave you the reason to come find us, but I am very glad that you DID find us, so we can help support you through this agony.

Of course you're devastated, hurt, and scared. Your world has just been turned upside down, inside out, and back-ass-wards. Those are normal reactions to the trauma that has just been done to you. And make no mistake, infidelity IS trauma, and it has to be treated seriously as such. BTW, even if your WH was "only" sexting, it's infidelity. It's being unfaithful. It's giving something that he promised to only give to you, to other people, ranging from the purely sexual nature of sexting, to time, attention, intimacy, and so forth.

Right now, you need to try to breathe. Take care of yourself. Make sure that your previous baby is taken care of. Be very kind to yourself because you deserve kindness. Do not tell him about this site. Keep this as your private place for support.

If you can tell us just a little more about how you found out and what the extent is, we can more carefully tailor our support. Trust me, you are going to find out, unfortunately, that pretty much whatever your WH did, has probably been seen numerous times here. That's a sad fact but true.

In the meantime, as was already suggested, please look at the yellow box in your upper left screen, and click on the link to The Healing Library. Start reading. Also read the first two posts "pinned" to the top of this forum. Knowledge is power, so start reading the voices of experience. And keep posting for support. We're all here for you.

Bailey2007 posted 11/20/2017 15:58 PM

Found out by looking on his phone for the weather and accidentally opened the app. The app looks like a group and private chat forum. I’m so shocked he sends nude photos to people. I’m still trying to understand why and how long this has been going on. Both men and women he is sexting and having emotional connections with. He swears he has never met them and just uses this app to talk to them. He wants to change and not get a divorce

H3LL0 posted 11/20/2017 16:05 PM

Bailey, you received two absolutely great posts.

Your life is changing and will be changed permanently. This is not something you can just get over, it is a road that must be traveled all the way. Embrace the journey of grief and don't try to take shortcuts with it. This will be a 2-5 year road with or without him.

#1, You have to get to the truth. He needs to put everything in to a written timeline and give it to you. Full disclosure is what's needed to be able to ever begin trusting again.

The truth is often the hardest thing to reach because most cheaters don't come clean but trickle the truth out over weeks and months. Others blame their spouses, lie etc... You must remain strong and not allow him to push off the truth. Trust your gut. If you have to take him to a lie detector test, do it to get the truth. Your gut is the best though, you know just sexting is not the likely thing especially if he's talking to men and women. He likely has a porn habit with this too.

You absolutely need to eat, drink and sleep properly. No shortcuts. If you need herbal tea or even your Dr approved OTC sleep aid, you need to sleep. If that means not sleeping together, not discussing certain topics before bed, not watching certain movies, shows, not eating just before bed, do what you need to do for proper sleep.

Get into a physical exercise... you need to work out these emotions and his face is not always the best way to do it! ;-)

Focus on your child. That child needs you to be together and love them.

Understand that NONE of this is your fault. Every relationship has marriage issues and that give NO EXCUSE for infidelity. Don't accept his blame for that if he does.

Record any admission of guilt on his behalf and save the evidence where he cannot get to it.

There will be short periods that you think you can trust him... till he's come completely clean and is well on the way to recovery, you cannot trust him. You must hide your evidence and not ever tell him how you got it or where it is. He lost that trust and must regain it.

Once you believe he's come clean, you need to work on rebuilding trust. Lost trust cannot be regained, it can only be rebuilt.

He needs to change his phone number, email address and if he's all over social media with other people, should consider shutting it down. If you don't want him to do that, then consider blocking all the OMs he's had conversation with.

If he's reaching out to other men and women, I'd really consider getting STD tests. The gay community believe it or not contains the bulk of ALL STDs.

It is not your fault that he's reaching out to other men. He needs help and counseling. If I were you, I'd try to find a good very successful faith based counselor who can do both IC and MC. Reason is that many mainstream counselors will not tell him that his "desires" are wrong and may even encourage him to explore those feelings. No married man should be exploring other feelings and should know that it is wrong to do so. If he wants that, he should divorce. Having the same counselor will also help keep you both on track and know when something is amiss ie lying to himself or the counselor or you.

Be careful about psychiatrists. Unless you have a history of mental disorders or are having very serious thoughts of harming yourself or others, you should not take any mind altering drugs to "help" you through it. They have life long effects.

You can make it through this, many others have.

I chose to stay with my wife and keep that in mind with this advice...

See an attorney. You need to know what your options are.. not just to leave him but also financially, custody wise etc... Do you want another daddy with your husband raising your child? It sounds extremed but understanding the law and what options you have will give you strength to offer the gift of reconciliation if you so choose.

H3LL0 posted 11/20/2017 16:07 PM

Save all evidence and either give it to a friend or keep it where he cannot access it. Consider placing a voice activated recorder under his seat in his vehicle. If you're tech savvy, one could install parental controls software on his phone. At a minimum, one could enable GPS to see where he's going.

momonthego posted 11/23/2017 11:50 AM

I know you are overwhelmed right now. I am a very reactive and emotional person so for me, I wouldn’t react right now due to my emotions, instead I would try to talk to him. If that didn’t work, I would consider going to counseling. If he wouldn’t go with me, I would go alone. One thing I want to reassure you, is that there is nothing wrong with you and that whatever issues he is dealing with, most likely go back to his childhood. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress, we are here for you.

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