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Married 1 Year

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LastWeek posted 11/21/2017 16:08 PM

Hi Everyone.

First I think it's great that there's a group like this to talk to as I've had no one to really talk to.

Background:
My W and I have been having a tough time with our marriage (We are currently married 1 year). We constantly got into arguments and were far too stubborn to forgive each other. In March I told her that if she didn't want to try and work it out or talk to me then I would be calling a divorce attorney in the morning. It's been downhill ever since. We have been arguing more and more, she spoke to me like a stranger, and our sex life even went to a halt (We've been trying to get pregnant for almost a year at this point. My W refuses to go to a doctor [afraid of the results] and I have troubles with finishing in bed leading both of us to frustration)

My W has been working a part time job on the side with an old coworker (real estate). This helped us supplement our income while giving my W a chance to have a schedule that could work around having children (My W has been wanting kids since way before we were even dating [think 8 years ago])

The old coworker (the AP) has a terrible marriage. He has also cheated on his wife several times (apparently they don't love each other). While, I understand that they are truly unhappy I'm completely unable to sympathize, but my W keeps saying I don't understand and to not blame her AP. However, she vehemently HATES his W (I've heard stories and she's not a good person either)

On to D-Day

Last-last Thursday I found out my W had been cheating on me. Her AP's (boss of her part time job's) W had messaged me a photo of their IM that showed my W saying that she loved him and missed him. When I confronted My W about it she said it "sort of just happened" and that they "stayed in public places to make sure nothing happened." Eventually I left work and sat with my friend for a while to talk and that night went back home.

After confronting my W more seriously it turns out she had been having an A for ~6 months (almost half of our marriage) with her boss. To make matters worse their A began just prior to us purchasing a house together (which the aforementioned boss helped us get). My W was using work as an excuse to meet up with him and mentioned she spoke with him everyday. When I asked my W how many times they had sex she said I don't know.

After a huge argument I decided that I did love her and I'm choosing to try and fix this. However, my W still has feelings for the other man (she states she can't turn them off like that), she misses the job and opportunity they afforded her (I make triple her income and she's never had a chance like this, plus she wants to be a stay at home mom), and I don't know if I can trust her because of the way I found out. I want to know. Am I being stupid? Too trusting? What is a logical response?

My W has also mentioned that I'm threatening her with D sometimes. I feel like I may be doing that, but I'm not sure if it's justified or not. Should I not bring it up or talk about it?

Please feel free to ask more questions as there's a lot more background I'm most likely missing.

xZOOMx posted 11/21/2017 16:33 PM

Not even a year into marriage when she should be in the honeymoon phase and she is all ready cheating, your marriage is a farce sorry to tell you(not sorry). She has most likely been cheating on you with her boss before you were married, cheaters don't admit to the truth when they first get found out to busy trying to save their sorry asses. For the love of all that is holy make her sign a post nuptial agreement and don't bring kids into this world with her, they will just end up in a broken home. Your situation is not special, she is not special and you do not love her what you love is the idea that you long ago made up in your mind of who she is....news flash she does not exist. Anyways if you really want to stay in this sham of a marriage go see a counselor (individualy) then much....much...much later a marriage counselor together you two need to work on communication skills. Seriously make her sign a post nuptial agreement, she's in real estate for God's sake one of the highest jobs for affairs(Google it).

[This message edited by xZOOMx at 4:35 PM, November 21st (Tuesday)]

leftbroken posted 11/21/2017 16:43 PM

After a huge argument I decided that I did love her and I'm choosing to try and fix this. However, my W still has feelings for the other man (she states she can't turn them off like that), she misses the job and opportunity they afforded her (I make triple her income and she's never had a chance like this, plus she wants to be a stay at home mom), and I don't know if I can trust her because of the way I found out. I want to know. Am I being stupid? Too trusting? What is a logical response?

Yes and yes.

Seriously, As it stands right now you can walk away with pretty much a clean break. No child support no spousal support (or very very little for a very short period of time at the most). If she is already cheating when she should be in the honeymoon phase and completely enamored by you, then its only going down hill from here. save yourself a lot of money and even more heartache. If you find someway to stay with this woman it is only a temporary reprieve and its going to cost you half of everything you own down the road not to mention that you will waste all kinds of time with this woman when you could be building a healthy and happy marriage with someone that deserves it.

Seriously run, don't walk, to the nearest exit and don't ever look back, for your own well being.

ramius posted 11/21/2017 16:50 PM

No one in their right mind would tell you to stay in this marriage.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Why spend it with a cheater? It may not feel like it now, but the world is full of non cheating women. Go find one.

Sharkman posted 11/21/2017 16:53 PM

Letís start with the basics: go see a lawyer so that you completely understand your rights and so that you completely understand what a separation would look like.

Ask the lawyer what steps can he take to assist you to protect yourself.

Freeme posted 11/21/2017 17:10 PM

My W and I have been having a tough time with our marriage (We are currently married 1 year).
... and she was having sex with a coworker while we were actively trying to have kids.

This is bad. The only good I see is that you do not have kids yet and have only been married one year. It doesn't sound like she wants to work on the marriage ... so you keep bringing up divorce to give her an idea of how serious the situation is.

She's not remorseful. She's upset that you wont let her keep her job with her AP partner. You can't trust her to stay home with the kids even if she does get pregnant... because of the affair.

Also, I don't get the whole she's scared to get checked out by a doctor. My guess is that since she was having an A she didn't want to sort out the pg issues.

Also... I'm guessing most OBS might be viewed as a Witch if they are constantly catching their WH in Affairs. Espically by the OW. You might want to talk directly with her to get the whole story of the affair.

My advice would be to see a lawyer and start the divorce process. Since you state that you do not want a divorce I'd give your WW a list of requirements inorder to reconcile. Top of the list would be to put SAHM talk on hold and for her to get a full time job. If she is cheating... she is no where close to being a good mother material.

You really need to think this out more... She doesn't sound remorseful and for this to happen so early in the marriage is a huge red flag for more of the same.

mizunomead posted 11/21/2017 17:29 PM

No, your not stupid......Yes, your too trusting.

She has to earn that.

How long were you too together before you got married??? To me this plays a role in this scenario...

I'm not saying you can't R, but i would say that alot of things have to happen before its even a possibility.

I think that a logical response is that she needs to be done with that job. She needs to cut off all communication with the AP NOW. And she needs to allow you to monitor her computer, phone etc. She needs to write you a detailed timeline of events of the A. She needs to answer any questions you have about it openly and willingly.

She needs to see a IC to help her understand why she did what she did. She needs to find a place of remorse towards you and your marriage...

She needs to want to do all of theses things.....And if these are being done over time and she seems to be truly getting it then you can consider R if that is still what you want.....

Otherwise you need to lawyer up and Divorce.

My Opinion. She has to earn it, work for it and want it...

fused posted 11/21/2017 17:36 PM

She's had this guy so many times she doesn't even remember. This after only 6 months of marriage????

Cut, run, and don't look back. Consider yourself blessed beyond belief that you don't have kids with her.

tmacfire posted 11/21/2017 18:36 PM

So sorry you are here. Talk to an attorney and run!!! 1 year and she is cheating , run! Its not worth trying to save something you never truly had.

beenthereinco posted 11/21/2017 18:59 PM

You could probably get this farce annulled on grounds of fraud. She has likely been dating him since before you were married. That is why she doesn't like his wife. In most states you can get an annulment in cases where one of the partners never intended to enter into a monogamous relationship. I wouldn't let that slow me down, Divorce if that's faster, I just like the idea of annulment because it will be like you were never married which truthfully you weren't.

I bet the OBS is not actually that bad of a person. If she is why hasn't the AP left her? Sure he tells your WW that she is horrible and that he has a rotten marriage. That helps him get her in bed. I'd talk to the OBS. Thank her for letting you know. See what she knows about how long this has been going on. I bet you find out that your WW has lied to you on the timeline and it dates to before you were married.

Here is the worst thing you wrote:

I'm choosing to try and fix this

You didn't say "We're choosing to try and fix this". You said "I". You can't do that alone. Your WW has to do most of that starting with quitting that job and going complete and total NC with the AP. Doesn't' sound like she is willing to do that. You need to just get out of this now.

kaygem posted 11/21/2017 19:40 PM

IF someone cheats in the honeymoon phase....What will happen when shit hits the fan years down the road? Children are wonderful but they ADD stress. Your marriage isn't really a marriage at this point and she is not remorseful. Please listen to the people here, they have so much experience. Read up in the healing library.

You have so much life ahead of you. Please consider carefully.

Dorothy123 posted 11/21/2017 20:46 PM

LastWeek,

Please understand that you are in shock right now.

I have a thread that will help you understand more on shock.

"How long were you in complete shock?"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=611905

Also, please remember that NOTHING you did drove your W to cheat.

It's a very common misconception .

"Misconceptions about A's you had b/4 being cheated on? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=593607

Even if you were H of the year, your WW would still have cheated on you.

Now, I will give you my customary welcome with links that I personally believe that EVERY newly BS should be aware of.

orry that you are in so much pain but so glad that you did find us.

I will leave you some reference thread.

You will find these threads very helpful. Please read them when you have a chance.

Here's how other BS's describe the pain of infidelity.

"Being cheated on hurt you so bad that you could've "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=588628

Here are the physical symptoms of healing from the trauma of infidelity.

"What physical symptoms of A did you have? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597986

Here's what others members here recommend to do to help with those physical symptoms.

"Advice U would give new BS's w/ physical symptom of A? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=612147

Here's how long the physical symptoms may last for you.

"Physical symptoms "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=524902

It is very very normal to obsess about the A all, everyday FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

"The A Has Taken Over "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=606592

Here's what the members here obsess about .

"Top 5 things you obsessed about? Dday til now "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597356

Also, I have links in my signature that will give you honest insights into your anger

Sending you peace and strength.

Walking with you.

Tren0R201 posted 11/22/2017 01:41 AM

I'm threatening her with D sometimes. I feel like I may be doing that, but I'm not sure if it's justified

Come again? Eh?

Surely cheating for half your marriage, literally being emasculated with the man helping you buy your house is grounds for divorce.

fighter76 posted 11/22/2017 04:19 AM

Dude consider urself lucky, i only chose R for the sake of my children. Cut and run and u ll see that u ll get over her on no time. Dont waste ur efforts...

Wool94 posted 11/22/2017 05:56 AM

I'm threatening her with D sometimes. I feel like I may be doing that, but I'm not sure if it's justified

I'm sorry you are here.

Don't threaten anything. Just do it. The old saying around here is if you want to save your marriage you have to be willing to lose it.

Stop playing the "pick me" dance with her.

The old coworker (the AP) has a terrible marriage. He has also cheated on his wife several times (apparently they don't love each other). While, I understand that they are truly unhappy I'm completely unable to sympathize, but my W keeps saying I don't understand and to not blame her AP. However, she vehemently HATES his W (I've heard stories and she's not a good person either)

This is bull sh*t and really none of your wife's business.

In most affairs, the bs(betrayed spouse) is made out to be a villain. Here's the truth, she most likely isn't. Even if she were Hitler, it wouldn't justify cheating.

Tigersrule77 posted 11/22/2017 07:04 AM

LW, not minimizing what you are going through, because we all know it is very hard. But you are not thinking straight.

1. Your wife has been lying to you and running around behind your back for 6 months.

2. It started 6 months into your marriage.

3. She lied to you when she said "she doesn't know" how many times they had sex. If that is true, then it is A LOT. Probably daily. They certainly had the opportunity.

4. She isn't sorry and misses the OM, who was also married and you only know about this because she was caught.

5. She would still be having the affair behind your back if the OBS hadn't contacted you.

6. She can't "turn off her feelings for OM". WTF? Apparently she turned them off for you.

All of these actions tell you that this is not a good person, not a good partner for life. If she chooses to cheat this early, what makes you think she will stay faithful after this?

Stop and think for a little while. Do not jump into reconciliation. Your wife isn't showing remorse, she's mad at you and the OM's wife for finding out and messing up their fun.

feelingthenoose posted 11/22/2017 07:08 AM

You were planning to divorce before, and things haven't gotten better. They've gotten much worse. Divorce is the most logical choice.

I understand the urge to win her back, but once you have you, you probably won't want her. There would be some satisfaction in that too, but there would also be satisfaction in calling in a realtor (AP's biggest competitor perhaps? ) putting the house on the market and making it clear through your actions that you're filing for divorce.

Please visit with a lawyer and find out your rights and how to protect yourself. You might want to file sooner than later to protect yourself financially and whatnot. Good luck.

LastWeek posted 11/22/2017 09:59 AM

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies. This is exactly what I needed. I wanted to see what unbiased people think about the situation.

I'm going to meet with a lawyer to discuss my options.

You all are right. She should be in the honeymoon phase and if she's already willing to cheat then what's to stop her in the future.

My W does seem to be way too emotionally involved in her AP W shit. What's going on with him is his business and should not have affected our Marriage.

And the thing that really seals the deal is the fact I would have never known about the A if not for the AP W (who my W vilifies)

The fear to get checked out is my W has fears of infertility, but is afraid to find out if there are any issue. (She had had medical issues when she was a teenager)

I wanted to make sure my fear of D or love of her wasn't clouding my judgement. Thank you all.

badmemory posted 11/22/2017 10:19 AM

There are times when the decision to R or D is not an easy one. This should not be one of those times. If you'll allow your mind to override your heart, you'll realize, as the other posters have told you, everything points to D as your only option.

No one should get a second chance when they have cheated 6 months out of a 1 year marriage. No one. Be thankful that you are young, have no children,
and haven't invested more years of your life with this train wreck of a woman.

[This message edited by badmemory at 10:37 AM, November 22nd (Wednesday)]

Jduff posted 11/22/2017 10:41 AM

To make matters worse their A began just prior to us purchasing a house together (which the aforementioned boss helped us get).

Exactly how did the OM help you guys get that house? Did he represent you in the purchase? I would run that by your attorney. I can't help but think "fraud" given the circumstances by which the home was purchased and you not knowing the possible level of the OMs influence in your purchase.

As for your marriage, your WW is a fraud herself. You should seriously think to protect yourself legally and from as much liability and obligations as you can surrounding your relationship with her and I think your best bet is to get a divorce, even better an annulment. If you want give her a second chance after the divorce/annulment then that's YOUR call but at least you will be financially protected.

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