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How many times will these bad days come?

Iwishicouldhateh posted 11/21/2017 20:35 PM

So I found out on the 11th my husband was going behind my back and talking to a woman he works with. I gave him the ultimatum, he chose her, never came home that day and has been living in a hotel with her since.
I do take responsibility for some of the things that happened in our marriage. I know I neglected a lot of his emotional, mental, and physical needs. We didn't have a relationship these past few years, it was more like 2 people living as roommates parenting the kids. I can fully empathize with why he strayed. What I can't handle is how much I miss him. I thought time would help me begin to heal, but it seems time just makes me want him more. I've text him telling him I wanted to reconcile, with the help of my therapist of course, no answer. I texted him today telling him I loved him and if he decides to come home, the door is open. Again no answer. No acknowledgement, nothing. I had some kind of mental break down earlier over losing the keys twice today. I hated myself, I felt a failure as a mom, I felt like my kids would be better off without me. I felt like if I can't keep up with stupid keys how am I gonna take care of them, I felt like I failed them as a mother because I couldn't keep their father happy enough to stay, when he left he took the only vehicle we had, so then I felt like I failed them for not being able to provide them with our own transportation. I could not stop crying, I couldn't breathe, I just wanted to hear his voice. I did break and ask him to call me, guess what..... no response. My anxiety was awful. I try my best not to cry in front of my kids, but the tears WOULD NOT STOP. All I wanted was him. I wanted him to hold me, tell me he was sorry, tell me it was all going to be ok. I know that's not possible, especially right now. Does this happen a lot? Why can't I hate him? Why can't I be angry with him? Why do I feel like I can't breathe without him? At what point does it feel like you're not drowning in life? I just feel so lost and alone. I know I have my kids, my friends, my church, my family, but yet I still feel all alone. I just want to feel better.

Dorothy123 posted 11/21/2017 21:15 PM

Iwishicouldhateh,

Please remember that no short coming of yours drove him to cheat. It is a very common misconception.

"Misconceptions about A's you had b/4 being cheated on? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=593607

As far as how long you will have this emotional roller coaster, I will steal a quote from the healing library.

"There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm. Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing. D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable. "

Minnesota posted 11/21/2017 21:25 PM

Oh Iwish-

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts like crazy. And I've got good news and bad news.

This is so new and fresh. Just 10 days out? It's pretty normal to have all these feelings and fears.

It gets better. You said you thought time would help you begin to heal, and it will, but is going to take more time.

In the mean time, what are you doing for yourself? I know it all seems overwhelming right now, but taking care of yourself is pretty important. Especially because you've got kids that are counting on you. But you can do this.

Make sure you're taking care of your body. Eat some decent food each day. Drink water. Get some exercise. I'm not kidding I was blown away by how much just walking around the block helped me feel like my world wasn't completely in chaos.

Make sure you're taking care of your mind. Can you see a therapist to help you sort all this crap out? Look for truths that you know. Everything seems so overwhelming right now that you might not know for sure if gravity is going to continue to do its job. (It is.) -- But grab on to things you know are true that help you move forward. (dwelling on the fact that he moved out into a hotel isn't helping you move forward. - Forward is: This hurts. But I can carry it another fifteen minutes. or I know I am a good mom. or He might have the car, but I have the mental ability to figure out the bus schedule. etc." ) Give yourself some slack.

Take care of your soul- What gives you life? Who can you talk to in real life? Do you believe in a higher power that will give you strength? (in my belief system, it's in my weakness that God is strongest- so I went ahead and was weak for awhile.) What do you believe in? There is something bigger than all this. What can you do for yourself and your healing?

I promise it gets better. You are in the hardest and worst time right now. It' going to take awhile. The roller coaster has just begun. But eventually it will slow down and even out. We all are getting through it and we will support you however we can. You're not alone.

Chrysalis123 posted 11/22/2017 06:19 AM

Oh Iwishicouldhateh, I am so sorry you found us and are here. But, I am glad you found us because you found a safe place. Please feel free to post as much as you want. It helps.

Minnesota gave you great advice. There is also a healing library over on the left. Did you find it?

I do take responsibility for some of the things that happened in our marriage. I know I neglected a lot of his emotional, mental, and physical needs

None of this is your fault. I'm sure you were just as stressed about the roommate situation but you didn't cheat. Who is taking care of the children and seeing to their needs right now? Yes, you. While you are devastated and he is shacked up with another woman. That is an awful, awful thing. And it hurts like crazy. But it shows how incredibly strong you are.

You see, your husband did a really crappy, horrible thing to you and the kids. He made this conscious choice. HE DID THIS.

It will take your heart and mind some time to understand this. In the meantime, try to not call him at all because he has already not respond to you multiple times. That's his answer. You are not being mean...you are protecting your heart because nothing you can do can control him.

(((( Iwishicouldhateh)))))))))

Christmas16 posted 11/22/2017 07:05 AM

Iím so sorry for what youíre going through. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the start of my husbands 6 week affair. And even a year in itís still hard. Donít blame yourself for his actions. He could have found more positive ways to deal with his unhappiness but he chose to cheat. There are several resources here to help you. However the first thing I would suggest if you want him back, and itís no guarantee, but you need to stop contacting him if possible. You want to give him the chance to possibly miss you, if you continue calling and asking him to come home, you empower him and may even annoy or anger him.. driving him closer to his home wrecker heís shacked up with. Hopefully once the fun and games are over and the reality of what heís done sets in heíll rethink his situation. The grass is rarely greener on the other side. Meanwhile, and I know itís hard. Iíve been there and my heart aches for you... but take care of yourself and your children. Find ways to take control of what you are able to control and empower yourself.

tushnurse posted 11/22/2017 07:14 AM

Stop accepting blame for his crappy choices. You were in the same broken M, and you didn't cheat, or walk out on your family......

Next, while you miss him you must stop with this "Pick Me" dance. He seems to have made his choice, and the best and smartest thing you can do is to 180.
Stop opening yourself up so he can ignore, and in turn hurt you.
Stop begging him. He is a liar that cheats, why would you thing this is the best you deserve?

See a Lawyer.
Get STD Tested.
Talk to your Dr about the trauma you are going through. You may benefit from medication that will stop the compulsive, circular thinking, the need to hear him, the need to expose yourself to him for further harm.

Keep reading and posting here.

You are worth so much more than this broken man can give you. Stop accepting crumbs when you should be getting the whole buffet.

((((And Strength))))

Geranium posted 11/22/2017 07:49 AM

Everyone here knows how hard this is for you. Weíve all been there. You are devastated, but you will get through this.

You have been getting good advice here. Make a list of things to do, and not to do, and keep it with you at all times.

Top of your list should be not to contact him. Do not give him any more opportunities to hurt you. Texting him is like scratching off a scab - your wound just starts bleeding again.

Focus on practicalities: firstly, look after yourself. Second: protect yourself and see an experienced divorce attorney. Not necessarily to file right now, but to get a clear idea of your options and rights.

You need legal help to get a temporary financial agreement in place, including the return of your car, which you need more than him because of the kids. Plus of course temporary custody arrangements. (NB: has he not asked about the kids at all??!!!)

Wishing you strength. You can do this!

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