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Its across the street

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RockstarDad posted 1/2/2018 12:24 PM

I am a 36 year old professional and my "wife" is a 32 year old hair stylist. When I started dating her 7 years ago she worked at a gas station. I would go in and get a cup of coffee and say hi. Eventually invited her to a work party and things took off from there and we were almost inseparable thereafter. I knew that she was a bit wild when she was in her late teens and early 20's but she now had a two year old from a previous relationship (with a man 12 years older and whom she was broken up from when I met her).

We had a son of our own and I was able to adopt her 2 year old, which is the greatest thing I ever did. Our children are now 9 and 5.

This summer was great, busy but great. I coached our eldest's baseball team for the 7th time. We bought a boat and spent quite a bit of time on the water and also went on a vacation to Florida with some friends from her work who I also get along with and had a blast.

This fall things started to feel distant. I was working a lot of overtime as we had let some people go but made sure I talked to her about the overtime and then took a lot of vacation to make up for it. I also have been working towards my masters and had a lot of classes. I always made a attempt to include her on all the stuff and again took off a lot of time to be around the family.

This summer I also introduced ourselves to the couple that had moved in across the street. He is a 27 year old electrician and she is a 23 year old nurse. They were engaged to be married Nov 4th. My wife was friends with them as was I and we would go over to there place or they would come over to ours for a cocktail or two. For Halloween he came along trick or treating with me and the kids, which I thought was cool that he was getting into these things and my "wife" hung out with his spouse at there house handing out candy. I never for a moment saw a threat here. He was fun, but quiet, not as well spoken, not as intelligent or successful or driven as I and I worked so hard with our kids that I thought I was a rockstar dad.

I couldn't put my finger on why but she kept being a little distant through fall and was not making long term plans for winter vacations etc that I was looking forward to. The neighbors across the street were arguing and she spent time with them trying to help them work out there problems. I thought they had pre-wedding jitters and thought she was being a good friend. She never had a lot of girl friends so I thought this was healthy.

Finally we went to there wedding Nov 4. My wife did the brides hair for her weeding day. It was a bummer of a wedding. He looked like a ghost and was just not happy. I had to leave early to take the kids to hockey the next morning and she stayed, which did not bother me since her brother was there.

I woke up at 2:45am when the garage door opened but never heard anyone come in. I went out and found my WW hammered drunk and sitting on a chair crying. I asked what happened and she told me nothing. I inquired further and asked if something bad happened, and there was no reply, I asked if she made a mistake and kissed someone and she went off on me for even suggesting that. She then went off on our marriage and what a asshole I was, how I never compromised or listened to her. I felt horrible as this was the first time she had ever been like this and horrified that I had done anything to inflict pain on her. I said all the right things, that If I didn't hear her before I was hearing her now, that I would do whatever it takes and that I did not know that I was making her unhappy. I promised to be a better husband and do whatever it takes and professed my love for her.

The next four weeks were horrible. As soon as my WW got home she would grab a cocktail and go across the street to the neighbors. I had some college papers to finish but would grab a glass of wine and go across and try to be sociable. I sat down next to them and all of a sudden it hit me like a freight train that there was something going on between them. I contained it until we got back home and told her what I felt, told her that I was not accusing her but that it was such a profound emotion that I had to share. She said I was accusing her and got really mad. She now wanted distance.

Three more weeks went by and it was more of the same. They would always hang out in the garage so they could smoke while they had a cocktail. I would sneak over and listen sometimes just to see what was going on and there was nothing nefarious, mostly high school talk about drinking and other childish shit. I checked cell and text messages and there was nothing.

I tried to put down boundaries and explain how inappropriate this was but she told me that I was controlling and pushing her away.

Finally D Day. December 3rd. My WW went to a work party that I was no longer invited to and did not come home. She said she was staying with a friend the next day but his truck was gone too. I had been speaking to my father since I thought I was going nuts. He gave me good advice to talk to the neighbors wife. When she opened the door and saw me she just began crying.

We planned to have all the couples present for the confession, but my wife saw me first and could tell something was different. She asked if I talked to the OH wife and I said yes and that I know your having a affair. She stood silent for 2 minutes and then said she was sorry and never meant for it to happen. We went and talked to the other couple and he was a coward and would not answer questions. I was told they only had sex three times that it was more of a emotional thing. Basically they bithced about there partners and how bad they had it and suddenly they had so much in common.

My wife confessed a little bit more later that night before she refused to aswer questions. She said he kissed her first, that she was in love with him, that they wanted to move to a house in the country, and that she loved him more than she ever loved me. There was some blaming in this too. I told her for me this means divorce and asked her if she wanted to work it out and she told me "not anymore"

For two days she stayed at a friends. The OH wife moved out and then my WW moved in with him against my sternest objections. some may, but most don't know what it is like to watch you wife walk in another mans house where you know what is going to happen and then have her walk across the street.

I have gotten over her to a large extent. I got a lawyer and filed. She stays across the street but has not moved her stuff in from my house. It appears she is just not doing much of anything. So far she only wants her truck paid off and her 10k in retirement and says I can have everything else. Also does not want child support of maintence. I would give it all up to have the woman I thought I married (this one aint it anymore) but am not pushing her to do anything hoping that the divorce can be finalized.

I went to try and sell our house and move and found out that is a impossibility as she stopped paying our mortgage during the affair and completely shattered my credit. I work nights so she had been getting the mail. I have also now finding collection agency bills that she hid away for minor medical stuff, all in her name, that she has been hiding. We had the money to pay all this stuff.

My sister thinks that this is a mid life crisis affair, that her getting botox, vagina rejuvenation, talk of breast implants ect all plays into her having a low self esteem and being vulnerable. She thinks it lasts 6-12 months before there relationship fails. I had talked my WW into going to a counseling session before D Day and she agreed to go after to talk about the kids which was helpful. During a session she turned to me and said if you knew the conversations that we were having you wouldn't be able to handle them and they would drive you crazy.

This is the most horrible experience I could ever imagine without something happening to my children. I was a good but not perfect husband, I put in the work. She made this choice and now I have to deal with it for a long long long time.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 10:26 AM, January 14th (Sunday)]

RockstarDad posted 1/2/2018 12:40 PM

I cant believe the cowardice for them to do this and for him to get married during all this. She later claimed that it only became physical after his wedding when I had promised to do whatever it took. She told me that it pissed her off and that it was to little too late. He was pushing this for a while even grooming my family. Now with the stipulation agreement my kids spend 4 days over there and 4 days over here. I get more time because I watch them every afternoon while she works, but damn. Its like he took everything from me. She has been the ice queen. Little emotion for me, and other than the initial apology, nothing. I just cant believe she had the capacity to do this and then live with him across the street.

I could get a duplex, but that would be more expensive and I would have to move again in a year when my credit recovered. Now I am .4 miles away from school so I get them everyday. I am staying in the house for the kids, but damn it sucks.

squid posted 1/2/2018 12:43 PM

Sorry, man. This is truly devastating stuff. 100% that their relationship will fail. It only "flourished" because it was in secret. Now that the fantasy is over, the reality will set in and she'll likely come crawling back to you. I know it's painful, but you did the right thing in taking decisive action and filing.

Take care of yourself. Drink a lot of water. Sleep as much as you can. The road from here on out is rough. Take some time to read through the Healing Library (yellow box, upper left corner of your screen). Keep being the RockstarDad for your kids. They need one stable parent to rely on. Keep posting here. Others will come along with invaluable advice. We're with you, dude.

Bro hugs.

Forks027 posted 1/2/2018 12:47 PM

The best thing you can do at this point is no contact unless it has to deal with the kids and divorce. Protect yourself as much as you can. Don't give her anything else to let her keep convincing herself that she is the victim. Whether it does or doesn't blow up in her face, you know you had nothing to do with it.

Do you already have some agreements in writing?

RockstarDad posted 1/2/2018 12:50 PM

Thanks. I am seeing a IC that I know and that helps. I can get to the point where I can see a better future and stay there for a couple hours and then something brings me back to a anger that is just so deep and dark. Normally it is the kids now as my wife died for all extensive purposes and I do not know this woman. But the betrayal still gets me. I really loved this woman. I was married young and my first marriage failed because she had a affair. I found out after she wouldn't go to marriage counseling anymore and I moved out. Well someone else moved in two hours later.

What right does this man have to pretend to be father to my kids. I worked my ass off for my boys and now that they can take care of themselves for a good point and do the fun stuff, he swoops in and takes half my time with them. Motherfucker.

For her to never sit down and ever talk about anything wrong in our marriage and then claim that is why she cheated is ridiculous. I had always told her that I could handle being divorced again but that I didn't think I could handle being cheated on again. She agreed that if we ever got to that point where we were thinking about someone else that we would go to counseling. She never said anything until after the affair was going on. She even brought it up when confessing saying I knew this was the one thing that would hurt you most...well then why the hell would you do it.

For 7 years of caring, parenting, and the love I shared u think I would have gotten some kind of respect.

RockstarDad posted 1/2/2018 12:53 PM

Forks027

She signed the stipulation agreement which splits the kids 4 days her 4 days me, with right for first refusal for watching the kids so I get them almost every afternoon, plus I get right to take them to sports and we have hockey 4 days a week, so the short term agreement is better for me. This will hold until the divorce is final.


Do you guys think if I don't engage her she will let me keep the other stuff or do you think she will be coming for half at some point? I have a hope of not being financially ruined but every tells me she will change.

Forks027 posted 1/2/2018 12:56 PM

Not engaging her is for your own peace of mind. But prepare for anything. If she knew this was going to hurt you and did it anyway (which happens a lot, sadly), there's no telling what else she's capable of.

As to why she did it anyway even if she knew how much it would hurt, she might have wanted to hurt you, and that's pretty messed up.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 12:59 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

RockstarDad posted 1/2/2018 13:03 PM

I have come to terms with losing her and somewhat losing the kids part of the time. I do not want him parenting my children though, that drives me wild. I am not in control of that. If I am backed into a corner across the street having to look at this I do want to see them fail. I want to see the crash and burn and I want to see them have to deal with the failure of there relationship and then have to deal with what they did in there marriages as well.

I am trying not to engage her except for the kids. The MC is for us to be able to communicate about the kids. My IC is for my emotions, I no longer share them with her.

If I was honest I would say that I would like her to want me back, not that I would take her back, but that I would like them to split up.

1Faith posted 1/2/2018 13:30 PM

Dear Rockstar Dad,

You are a rockstar dad. Try to focus on that when the rest of your world seems to be crumbing around you. I am so so sorry.

Regardless of what you did or didn't do, you did not cause your WW (wayward wife) to cheat. That was and is her conscious choice. A deliberate choice every single time.

How selfish of her to do this to you but to your children too. Morally bankrupt.

Is the OM's (other man) wife divorcing him?

Could you rent your house and move in with family or a friend?

Do you guys think if I don't engage her she will let me keep the other stuff or do you think she will be coming for half at some point? I have a hope of not being financially ruined but every tells me she will change.

(((gently))) NO, not for a minute. She has proven to you that she is not trustworthy. Please see an attorney (a bulldog one at that). When the affair fog wears off and money is tight where do you think she is going to focus her anger and anxiety? ON YOU. In her twisted mind you will be the root cause once again because at this stage she is unable or unwilling (or both) to take accountability for any of her horrid choices. Her word means absolutely NOTHING at this point as hard as that is to hear.

Fight for you and your kids and try to get to a place that this doesn't have to continually be rubbed in your face.

This breaks my heart for you and your kids. You deserve better. You deserve truth and honesty. You deserve compassion.

Keep seeing your IC and keep posting.

(((hugs)))

The1stWife posted 1/2/2018 13:34 PM

I am sorry you had to join this club. The betrayed spouse infidelity club. I wish you and your children were not subjected to this.

You are not that far past DDAY so it may be too soon to know the outcome.

My H at 50 had a mid life crisis Affair. After 25 years of a good M he was ready to cash me in for a much younger model.

So I know your situation. We went from zero to “Iwant a D” in less than 3 weeks. He became someone I did not know or recognize either.

Google Affair fog and it will explain her mindset right now.

Understand she is behaving like a 2 year old. And you are the big mean adult who is not letting the spoiled brat child have her own way. This is where she is right now.

It’s the “I deserve to be happy” mentality. She is in that mode deep. Very deep. Can’t see reality.

And she has someone egging her on in this thought process. This neighbor who was your friend is supporting her in the “my H is sooo bad.....” mentality. Common bond - you and his W are the enemies.

You need time. And you need to be stronger g for your children’s sake. They need at least one rational parent.

You should speak to your lawyer about this other guy being around your children. I would get that in the court order that she cannot have visitation with your kids and HIM or any random guy. For a long long long time.

I hope you see some remorse soon. My H went down a path but hus big fat ego kept him from trying to undo the damage and turn it around. It wasn’t until I told him to leave that he realized what he had done. The damage. The pain.

The success of the A depends upon you staying the same. No change in her financial stability. You pay her bills. Watch the kids. Pay for everything she needs.

I think you get where this is going.

If her financial security is jeopardized you may see a change on her.

Remove her from joint accounts where you can. Start establishing your own credit history apart from her.

I also had my H sign a post Nup. Any $ in my name is mine. Not part of D settlement. That was a condition I made as part of the reconciliation possibility.

Stay strong for your kids. And again so sorry for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:36 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

Tigersrule77 posted 1/2/2018 14:09 PM

Rockstar, sorry you are here.

Sounds like you are doing a lot of things right so far. You are definitely doing the right thing as far as not interacting with your STBXWW. Keep up the 180.

What has your lawyer told you about what your exposure is for alimony? She can waive that, if she chooses, at least in my state. My XWW did.

She cannot waive CS, again, in my state. Your state may be different. However, since you both work, and you have kids the same amount of time, the

What does she want half of? If you were only married 7 years and she also works, I think your exposure is probably pretty small. And it sounds like now that she has messed things up financially, any equity in the house would be minor, after all of the debts are settled. These are questions you should ask your attorney about before you do anything. Hopefully you have already set up separate accounts so she can't do any more damage.

MidnightRun posted 1/2/2018 16:12 PM

Move a woman into your house, and watch how her 'love' for om fizzles.

GoldenR posted 1/2/2018 18:50 PM

^^^^^

Ha! That would totally work.

The1stWife posted 1/2/2018 19:24 PM

Midnight run.

Now that’s a good way to solve that problem. Lol

RubixCubed posted 1/2/2018 19:27 PM

And if you really want to put it to them, make that woman the POSOM's wife/ex-wife.
Really, this is only a revenge fantasy and would do nothing but make your STBX vengeful and greedy in your divorce settlement. Keep it cool at least until the divorce is finalized and then do something if you feel you need to, they will likely be done by then anyway, and she'll be begging you to come back complete with tears and snot bubbles. Hopefully, you'll have enough wherewithal to laugh at her when she does.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 7:28 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 1/2/2018 19:44 PM

After awhile she'll come around wanting to be "friends". It's part of the cheater script. She's not friend material. This is all for her not you.

You'd be smart to cut off any contact except texts about the kids and D only. Never answer a phone call direct and pick ups/drop offs should be a 5 minute exercise with zero engagement. This is for you. Maybe awkward upfront bug you owe her nothing.

Marz posted 1/2/2018 19:45 PM

You can coparent without contact I know 3 that do this very well and all say it's the best way.

longsadstory1952 posted 1/2/2018 20:37 PM

Don't have much to add except reach out to the brothers in blue and you will get a lot of help.

I will also say that your wife is a major low life. Child out of wedlock? Working in a gas station? Fucking a lackadaisical electrician? After you adopt her child?

The sooner you divorce her the better. Trust me troop. There are so many women out there for you. As I suspect you damn well know in your head if not your heart.

RockstarDad posted 1/2/2018 21:13 PM

All she wants right now is 20k on her truck paid off and her 10k in retirement. The home equity, my pension, 401k she says she doesnt want. So hence why I am playing "nice" cause it gives me options.

Boys in blue and fam and friends, hell even neighbors (they are pissed) have all been awesome.

I get there are better women out there. After how she behaved I am embarrassed to have married her.

RockstarDad posted 1/2/2018 21:16 PM

You would think that adopting her child would have given me some loyalty. He is my son amd no different than my biological child. In some ways maybe Im a little closer to him since he is my oldest. When I brought up her calling him her child in marriage/how to communicate for children counseling ahe cried. Damn straight she should.
I understand I cant control how other peiple act, but my behavior has been pretty damn good here, throw me a bone God.

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