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Its across the street

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CincyKid posted 1/22/2018 07:36 AM

Dont understand how one leaves pets that easily. She never even wanted to say goodbye to her big dog.

Sociopaths don't feel bad about things. You don't understand because you're not a sociopath. She'll do the kids the same way if the whim hits her. That's how sociopaths are.

k8la posted 1/22/2018 08:18 AM

Rockstar - I wouldn't sell your house.

Think about it.

She's not only unfaithful, she's a spending freak. There's no way a dishonest man could keep up with her. She hides expenses, doesn't pay bills, etc. and OM knows nothing of this because she isn't going to reveal anything bad about herself, and you should allow him to learn the way he's chosen - you owe him nothing.

Meanwhile, through your therapist, seek to find your meh point about her. Indifference is your best friend. That will let you keep the home that is most familiar to your children, help you ride out the credit disaster she caused you, and give you time to rebuild.

Every day, condition yourself to go "meh" when any kind of emotion about her comes up. You are not seeking hate, anger, or tarnished formerly happy memories. Just meh.

[This message edited by k8la at 8:20 AM, January 22nd (Monday)]

RockstarDad posted 1/22/2018 08:24 AM

Ok, I appreciate the advice and I am getting closer every day to my "meh" point, but who knows if they are there 3 more months or 5 years. I need to move on more than that. Location and setup are perfect for the kids, but it also teaches the kids that situations like this are ok, they are not.
How do I move on as fast with her accross the street? I mean I am doing pretty decent but my triggers are outside my window for gosh sakes. How do I date and explain this? I will eval at the end of the year but until then trying to get in order to move.

RockstarDad posted 1/22/2018 08:27 AM

I also think she will play up until things start to hit a downturn. She always spent but this late stuff is nuts. I think she checked out when she sought this relationship. She just didnt care. They got some time. Who cares if it is 6 months or 60 years, I wont be there to see it and they can have each other.

realitybites posted 1/22/2018 08:33 AM

I think that considering it is right across the street as you say and in your face daily you are doing just about as well as can be expected. Not that it would hurt any less, but if you did not have to SEE it daily, see where they live, see her or him walking in and out of their "love nest" right in your face you would start to heal faster. I personally just don't know how you do it.

But be that as it may, you are working hard at getting what ducks you can in a row. Getting stronger, learning to not engage as much as you possibly can, getting her shit out of the house, de clutter your life, then work on your living arrangements and such. Its very hard to unravel all of our lives when infidelity hits us square in the face, but you are working on it.

I agree with Bigger, your hope is that you get to the day, whenever that day comes where you will just think "thank god" that you are not with her any more. Its hard to get to that point when our justifiable anger comes into play, I get it. Its like a form of being in shock. One day you have your shit together and the next day you are just like "what the hell?" But hopefully those get fewer and further between. But I get it. The shock value alone just throws us for a loop.

[This message edited by realitybites at 8:34 AM, January 22nd (Monday)]

TimelessLoss posted 1/22/2018 08:43 AM

RSD,

Yes, there are lots of future unknowns. And that can create anxiety, fear, and the sense of loss of control. Keep in mind that you have come a long way in a short amount of time. You have gained control of the situation, and in time you will gain control of all of the emotions. "Gain control" doesn't me stuffing them down. Quite the opposite. You feel them. And you'll start to see yourself processing them in different ways, with a different perspective. That is where and IC can guide you through understanding the emotion and processing them in a way that leads to more insight and control, a.k.a. coping strategies.

So you've done all of this to date remarkably with a huge trigger right out your front door, full view out your picture window. But you know, that can change. The OM is getting D'd, right? Perhaps that house will have to be sold to satisfy the terms of that D settlement. Nothing to count on or wish for, but my point is that things change. Your strength by occupation and mindset is the ability to assess and adjust to a change in the tactical situation. Meanwhile the two Creatures across the street are out acquiring what for them is a pet that is a disposable commodity. All while your eyes are fixed firmly on the future and your kids.

RockstarDad posted 1/22/2018 08:49 AM

Yea the ups and downs are pretty incredible sometimes. The in betweens are longer though too as time goes on.
Yesterday I was getting changed in the locker room to come home and I just started tearing up and didnt know why. Had to hang my head so no one could see me on the way out the door. Dont think anyone saw thank goodness.
This morning I was singing along to the radio with a smile on my face and didnt even really realize it until I pulled up to the house...

RockstarDad posted 1/22/2018 08:52 AM

I talked to the OBS. There is no equity in the OBS house (they moved in a year ago). She just took her car, personal items and left. He is keeping the house. I tried to talk her i to it, offered her money even, she wanted to help but for her sake she just wants to cut the cord. Good for her I am not going to argue with that. The betrayal to her was just as horrible minus the kids.

TimelessLoss posted 1/22/2018 09:07 AM

Mmmm...no equity but walking away...must have been a small down payment. But I get why she would run fast and far from the POS.

I came to tell myself that tears were the pain leaving my body. YMMV.

The1stWife posted 1/22/2018 09:08 AM

Oh your STBXW keeps spending the OM will not be able to afford the house possibly sooner than you think.

Unless he makes a boatload of $. In which case he may tire of the spending habits of your STBXW and throw her out.

Two possible solutions that she may not be living there forever.

And if she is (living across the street however short or long it is) - you have some way of monitoring the kids while they are with her. I recognize that is temporary b/c I know you donít want to see her - just trying to point out one small positive aspect of this crappy situation.

Freeme posted 1/22/2018 09:10 AM

Personally, I don't think you are going to have to make a decision about moving in a year. I don't think they are going to last that long. My main focus would be on getting a divorce while they are still happy together because it aint going to last long.

The woman he chose to marry was a well educated, younger (8 yr younger than WW), and very mature, noted by the way she has handled the break-up with not a lot of baggage/drama. Your WW wife on the other hand is older (5 yr OM), not as educated, immature, with two kids, two marriages, a history of cheating and an Ex husband (that has lost 30 lbs) living across the street. WW had a wild past and does seem to being going through a mid-life crisis. Sex might have been what brought them together but it's not going to be able to keep them together.

When they (OBS and OM) bought the house I'm sure they were thinking about both of their salaries paying it off. A nurse makes a good amount more than a hair dresser and your WW already had debt and a spending habit. I doubt they will be keeping that house.

Then there is the kid issue. He doesn't have any of his own and she just had all this cosmetic surgery to fix the things giving birth causes...and only has a few child bearing years left.... getting a puppy might not be enough.

And while we are on the subject of a puppy...it angers me to no end that she would make you take her two dogs and buy a puppy. That said, puppies are not easy. They aren't potty trained, are teething, tearing up things, nipping at the kids...they arn't going to stay cute and little forever.

How is the divorce coming along? Has she moved all of her things out of the house? Have you set up a new "move out date" for her? Did you ever find out what her dad's emergency was? Are you documenting how much time you spend with the kids vs she spends with the kids?

[This message edited by Freeme at 12:06 PM, January 22nd (Monday)]

CincyKid posted 1/22/2018 10:04 AM

I would rarely say this but when you are able to fully detach and look at this situation objectively, I think you'll see that this OM has done you a huge favor. I see your future being much brighter without your WW in it than with. Affairs aside, she's a terrible spouse in many other ways, including destroying your credit. Her minuses far outweigh her pluses. In time you'll be thankful this event got her out of your life.

DarkHoleHeart posted 1/22/2018 10:08 AM

If I remember correctly you can probably add "unfriendly neighbors" to what Freeme said - I doubt that OM and WW gets a lot of approval from the community.
So, I also suggest that you wait a year. Unless the house itself is a big trigger.

Jduff posted 1/22/2018 10:52 AM

A lot of good points made up there with regard to the impulsively irresponsible spending of your STBXW coupled with a house that the STBXW and OM will have to figure out how to pay for in the near future, being able to monitor your kids just from across the street while they are with her, and the fact that a LOT of change not "can", but WILL happen in a year. Take our word on that one, RockstarDad. Your 1yr change is on the upswing and about improvement while theirs is on a downward trend and running on limerence fumes.

What I foresee for you after a year from now with D finalized is your home styled exactly the way that you and your kids wanted it and it feels different yet still like "home" and all three of you love it. I see you happier while your XW and OM are arguing over why your XW keeps looking out their window toward your house, watching to see what you are up to. I see at some point it is your weekend without the kids, a car rolls up to the front of your house and a very attractive and dressed to kill woman steps out of it and towards your house to knock on your door because this time she is taking you out somewhere for your third date together...and your XW is again looking through her window, fuming over how you are doing so much better without her, with so much better and healthier looking women, then bitching at the OM about the kind of women you've been dating - "I don't like her hair. I think she dresses like a slut. Did you see that car she drove up in? She must be one of those career women that think they have it all together. I don't think she's a good woman for RockstarDad and certainly won't be a good stepmother to my kids!"

Well, nothing gaurantees that scenario but there is one thing you already know, and are coming to understand better than anyone else because you experienced it yourself and "overlooked" some of those flaws, is how your STBXW will behave towards the OM in their relationship because waywards model the exact same broken pattern over and over again until they finally sit down and come to terms with it, learn from it, and work towards breaking that pattern. That's what the puppy was about, repeating same broken patterns.

Now, as much has been said about you having to face those lovestruck assclowns across the street and having to deal with it also consider that they, too have to live across from you and deal with you watching their relationship start to go down the toilet, constantly maintaining the illusion of happiness outside, yet when they get inside their home that's when the ugly comes out. The OM will begin to think about what he missed out on with his former younger fiance with a nurse career while your XW gets to witness and worry about the new women in your life visiting her former home and meeting her children. So, if you are going to stay in the home I suggest you might as well live it up like a RockstarDad. Own the neighborhood back. Make your kids anticipate coming back to you during your custody. My boys do this when it's my turn to have them. They bug their mom about getting to leave early to get back with me. I've gotten really good at cooking since I first got separated and stayed with it when I got divorced, then remarried with my 2nd wife. Crock pots are your friend and do a damn good job smelling up the home with home-cooked aroma by the time you and your kids get home. They'll be bragging about it to your STBXW, then she will feel pressure to up her game. If there is anything you want to one-up your STBXW on it is taking care of your kids.

RockstarDad posted 1/22/2018 11:01 AM

Freeme,
We'll see. They still in luuurrve at the momemt. She had the kids last night but I get them today. Eldest went to school this morning. She seemed eager to get me the 5yo, normally I get him around 9am or 9:30 but she wantes to bring him over at 7:45. She text me that she was ready, Insaid ok, and then she carried him over. No way to avoid seeing her as she had to carry the kid...wonder if that was planned, but she didnt say a word.
I quick grabbed a box of her shit and set it outside so she xould carry something back with her.

RockstarDad posted 1/22/2018 11:06 AM

As much as I really hate the idea of what they did, I dont want to structure my life around them. I do want to stay here, but I need to live my life. She has no place in it so really while watching them disintegrate while recording it for the OBS would be a pleasant thought, doing whats right for me moving on is so much more important.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 11:28 AM, January 22nd (Monday)]

RockstarDad posted 1/22/2018 11:09 AM

Really dont want to give up the lawn though. Turf is a hobby. I maintain a 100 percent sod quality hand pickes culivar kentucky bluegrass lawn at 1 inch with a modified greens mower. It is super darker and baseball stadium quality (its legit awesome). You can drop a 1 inch screw in it and it wont penetrate the canopy. Took me 3 years to get it perfext. This was going to be the year I leveled it with sand and made it pool table level. Was a hobby I could do while the kids were outside. :)

Freeme posted 1/22/2018 11:20 AM

I get what you are saying about moving. When I first started reading your posts my thought was -- get out ASAP. The more I read, the more I realize they aren't going to be around that long. Give it that year that you were planning to... you will be fine regardless.

I quick grabbed a box of her shit and set it outside so she xould carry something back with her.

Love this. Do you have more boxes ready to go? I'd get them out ASAP and send her a text to pick them up. Or put it in your Parent Planning Wizard "Pick up 6 boxes from porch". It will be easier to detach once all of her stuff is out of the house.

Your doing great.

DarkHoleHeart posted 1/22/2018 11:30 AM

As much as I really hate the idea of what they did, I dont want to structure my life around them. I do want to stay here, but I need to live my life. Ahe has no place in it so really while watching them disintegrate while recording it for the OBS would be a pleasant thought, doing whats right dor me moving on is so much more important.
Agree 100%.
But what everybody is trying to say - just wait a year and the reason you want to move may disappear. Or you might even not care any more. The ideal place for you to be is if you watched them disintegrate and the only thing you felt was being sorry for your kids, because they will have to re-adjust to new step-daddy soon somewhere else.
All this, however is not guaranteed. When SI says "he/she is lying to you, they had sex" it is 99% true. With this we cannot give you an estimate (non-SI statistics say that marriage that starts with infidelity has 1% chance of surviving (5year mark I think)).

RockstarDad posted 1/22/2018 11:33 AM

I got about 70 percent of her stuff out. The rest is more difficult (ex. Going through christmas stuff/ornaments). All clother, purses, beauty product and shoes are out. I carried boxes to her doorstep for hours. Been doing it in hour to hour and a half increments in the morning before she goes to work. Last time I told her she could come to my door. I set them outside and she picked them up. She got tired and asked if she could park her truck in the driveway next time. I told her if she wanted to park her truck in the road I would put them in it for her.

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