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It's time

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squid posted 1/10/2018 21:34 PM

For those of you that know my story, this has been a long time coming. It's not what I want. But it's the hand that I've been forced to deal.

D-day was in February of last year. We spent about 3 months in false R. NC broken in April. Some very suspicious activity in May. And then waffling/manipulation. She deemed me inappropriate for R. Separation in August. She moved back home. I asked one last time after Thanksgiving if there was a chance of R (Pick Me). She turned it around and suggested that I was the reason that we had to separate (manipulation). Just before Christmas she had a long, emotional talk with her parents. Suddenly an attitude change. Basically kissing my ass, rugsweeping like crazy.

I'm done. I know how this plays out. I'm going to tell her tonight that we're going to tell the kids on Friday. DD goes back to college the following week, so she needs time to process. Per our last talk, that's what we agreed upon. So nothing really left to hash out. I'm expecting from her a last plea for some type of extension on this final decision. But I've had it. No one could say that I haven't tried. I allowed her to waffle and manipulate while I partook of the hopium to no end.

I'm not at all proud of how long I took to get here. But I wanted to save our family at all costs. It looks like this is what I have to do.

I've got some great support amongst a couple very trusted friends and my mother. They know the full truth and are with me every step. I've kept this hidden for the most part, mostly because I feel so humiliated by the stigma that comes with being a BS. The feeling like I failed. That I wasn't enough. But I can't do it anymore. I've gone so far off the deep end. I don't know myself anymore. I barely remember last year. It's all a blur. I completed the 1st year of my Master's program and I don't know how I did it. Absolute autopilot.

I'm crushed at having to tell my kids of the impending D. But I let them know about what went on earlier last year. I hope they won't be too affected by the fallout.

I hate this. But it is time.

I know many of you will come along and say, "It's about fucking time!" I know this. I ate up the crumbs like crazy. I was hooked on hopium. But it was because I would've withstood anything to keep our family together. But, alas, I see the fight is for naught.

It is, indeed, time.

Thank you, SI, for the wisdom you have given me to make this difficult decision.

sorrowfulmate posted 1/10/2018 21:44 PM

Squid,

Let me say that you have my prayers. My BW gave me the gift of reconciliation and I try to keep this top of mind. She gives me this gift each and every day.

You too held out this gift. I am not going to tell you its about time you came into D&S. You tried what you thought you had to do in order to come to the place where you accepted this outcome. Everyone has this thing called an "Enough Tank" for some its small they only need a bit of proof and they are ok, some others need more in order to trip the gauge to full.

Hang in there.

WhoTheBleep posted 1/10/2018 22:28 PM

Welcome, Squid. We don't judge here. Hell it took me 2 years to walk, and I was welcomed here with open arms and understanding. You're in good company.

Well done, by the way.

StrongerEverday posted 1/10/2018 22:55 PM

Squid, I don't think you were wrong for waiting and trying. You offered her a gift, wrapped in grace, with a big bow on top. I did the same thing. But we can walk away from the mess we're in knowing we left no stone unturned. I'm sure I prolonged my pain, but I will never doubt that I did everything I could to save my marriage. I've read your posts and I'm sure that you did the same. I for one am very proud of you and can't wait to see the happiness you will have down the road!

theakronborg posted 1/10/2018 23:02 PM

Squid
I think you should be proud of yourself. It doesn't matter how long it took. We all have a journey and it takes what it takes.

Telling the kids is the hardest part. I still struggle with "maybe I should have tried longer" but I think once you know, you know.

Sending you strength and hugs,
Thea

Phoenix1 posted 1/10/2018 23:58 PM

I'm sorry, squid. I know it's not what you wanted, but you can look in the mirror and see a guy who gave it his all. Walk away with no guilt, and certainly no judgment here. Everyone walks their own path on their own timeline, we are just here to walk with you.

((squid))

LilBlackCat posted 1/11/2018 00:20 AM

Hey, I'm glad to hear you are in control of what you want to do..

You can now walk with your dignity and self respect as your conscious should be clear.. You tried like many others are not able to.. It's very selfless to continue to try and hope to keep your family together amidst everything being done to destroy it by your WS.

Hats off, and good luck moving forward into your next chapter in life.

Time is truly relevant when it comes to these sort of things, and I can definitely relate..

SuperDaddy1027 posted 1/11/2018 05:12 AM

Squid....I am proud of you! May you find peace.

Our stories are alike. I too, didnít want a D. But like you, this was the hand I was dealt...I have to play it.

It will get harder but once you start the D process you will feel relief.

Stay strong brother! I am proud of you!

CharliB posted 1/11/2018 07:13 AM

It took me almost 2 years to file as well but now I am glad I did and things are getting remarkably better. I often wish I had filed much sooner but at least now I know it was the right decision and I have peace about it. I have yet to meet anyone who actually wants to D but sometimes it is the necessary thing to do and for the best.
((((Squid)))) and strength.

Aquiestoy posted 1/11/2018 07:25 AM

As a bs I find my self conflicted with D because I didnít choose A. Iíve tried to work on my marriage, but it takes two. I completely understand you and do not judge. Only you know when enough is enough. Iím glad you didnít allow anyone into bullying you to so something You werenít ready to do because you would have second guessed yourself, felt bad for ww, asked yourself if you did the right thing.
We support you. I support you.
Cyber hug.
Know that there are many of us cyber supporting you and that it will be a better day for you once you get this out of the way. There is a better life waiting for you. One that isnít filled with bad emotions or a ww that isnít giving you what you need.
So proud of you!
My talk to Monday and Iím scared
But I know that I did everything I could for the marriage but it takes 2. Wh chooses to want his cake and eat it too, now he can have his cheap donut hole far away from me. 😝
Iím getting off this ride and starting my own life one weíre I donít have to walk on egg shells, one where I choose what I want to do and I donít rely on him for my happiness

squid posted 1/11/2018 07:56 AM

Thank you, all, for the support.

The last time me and WW had meaningful chat was just after Thanksgiving. She overheard me having a conversation with my mother about a potential family vacation next summer. WW asked if those plans were going to include her. Apparently, her version of D is the kind where we're divorced but still do all family activities (vacations, holidays gatherings, etc) together just like before, except that we're just separate. Yup, we remains friends and everything back to normal. Cake-eat much?

I told her it was just an idea we had. She then said, "I can see I'm no longer a part of this family." I asked her if she felt so ostracized at the last Thanksgiving gatherings. She said no and agreed that our family has always welcomed her. This in spite of my mother knowing about everything that went down last year.

I asked her flatly, "So there's zero chance of R?" She replied, "What does that even mean??" I just face-palmed and said, "I'm so done with this."

She then brought up a comment I made to her earlier that year. She said that I told her that anything she did before mattered. I said, you obviously didn't understand what I meant. She immediately started crying very loudly. Our 2 DS's were five feet away. I asked her why she was crying. She continued to sob and I couldn't understand her. She then stormed up to her room and locked the door.

About 5 minutes later she came back down and huffed, "Fine, let's tell the boys right now that we're going to D!" As if this is what she's been forced to do. Manipulation.

I then explained to her that what I meant was that her affair pretty much trumps any other marital issues. If any of you read my "Reconciling the Duality of Your WS" you'd understand what I meant.

In that thread I wrote:

I bring this up because a couple days ago I had a conversation with my WW and she brought up another conversation we had earlier this year where she claims I said that nothing she ever did before in our marriage meant anything. As if sheís forgetting the fact that she cheated on me just 6 months prior. I went on to clarify that what I meant was that yes, she was a great wife, but given the recent infidelity and the requisite lying, mistreatment, and abuse, all that history kind of goes out the window. And I struggled with that for a while. I could no longer see her as the person I once knew. I all I could see was the cheater. As in just the label - ďCHEATERĒ. I lost that sense of humanity with her.

She still didn't really get it. Still paints herself as the victim. We've been talking in circles for a long time and haven't gotten anywhere. Maybe it's a lack of communication. It's hard as a BS to bring down your walls when you know you're dealing with an unremorseful cheater. It's heartbreaking when you can still see the gaslighting, blameshifting, and manipulating.

I've been on this ride long enough. I know D will not bring relief. Hell, it's going to bring even more pain. But at least I can move on. I'd rather be divorced and content than married and tormented...unable to heal...unsafe.

[This message edited by squid at 8:00 AM, January 11th, 2018 (Thursday)]

ohforanewme posted 1/11/2018 08:28 AM

Ah squid

It is with mixed emotions that I welcome you back to the brotherhood in D/S.

We were comrades in arms in JFO, and supported each other through that journey.

I found you such a support here in D/S, where we pretty much arrived at the same time.

I celebrated with you when you felt that there was a chance, and you moved to R. I pretty much never post in R. I don't feel as if I have earned that right, but I followed your walk through there, and saw moments of hope and then moments that wrenched my heart.

So I am saddened that you find yourself back here with us, but also know that you will have peace. Peace in the knowledge that the dissolution of the M, can never be on you. You did your best.

There are two things that I need you to know. Know as absolute truths.

We are here for you.

And then, that there is happy out there waiting for you.

I have found a happiness I never even knew existed. It does not mean that there is no more sad in my life because of what XWW did to me. Nothing can ever erase that. It is just that, while I thought I had known what love and happiness is, it is impossible to know that, with a person that is incapable of loving anything other than themselves, not even their own children.

I'm not at all proud of how long I took to get here.

I am proud of you on that score. You valued your M so much and loved your kids so much, that you did all that ever could have been asked of you, and then even a little more. Because I only discovered SI in May last year many folk think that I have been so fortunate to be where I am so soon. One has to realise that it took me nearly a year to find SI, so it maybe even took me longer to get where we now stand together. It was a year of hell. I used to feel some guilt for putting all of us through that but now I at least have the assurance that when I made the decision, it was the right one. Having that assurance is something that will give you a peace that you would not have had without the extra time.

I feel so humiliated by the stigma that comes with being a BS. The feeling like I failed. That I wasn't enough.

squid, you know my story. You know that there isnt a person alive that can identify more with you on that than me. So, form that foundation, take it from me, we are champions. We not only survived the worst trauma a man can be asked to survive but we did it while protecting those precious lives entrusted to us. You dont get bigger winners than that. Funny thing is, where I was absolutely certain that I would get condescending looks and sometimes even ostracisation, from folk when they heard that I am D or was a BS. Instead I find I get looks of admiration and requests for advice on how to do tough things and come out so whole on the other side. I cant wait until the first time you experience that and come and share it with us. I have a suspicion that if we put SD, or a few of the other chaps and ladies over here on the spot, they would be able to relate some similar stories.


We are here for you squid. We will laugh with you, cry with you, be your sounding board when you want to vent and celebrate with you when life blesses you with the odd moment of sheer joy, especially those moments with your kids. I promise you there will be those.

Welcome back squid

squid posted 1/11/2018 08:31 AM

Aquiestoy,

Iím glad you didnít allow anyone into bullying you to so something You werenít ready to do because you would have second guessed yourself, felt bad for ww, asked yourself if you did the right thing.

It's that damned second guessing myself that had me stuck for so long. That and feeling bad for her. I know I need to shake that off. But it will be hard for her. She doesn't earn a lot at her present job, and that's full time. I'll be ok. But she's going to struggle trying to make ends meet. That's where my feelings lies. That and shattering our kids' world.

It's so hard when you still care about your WS. I really don't think she's a bad person. For 13 years of our marriage she was a dedicated mother and a loving, caring wife. But during those last 4 years that she checked out her thinking became really flawed. And then the horror show of last year.

I can't go through that again.

TrustGone posted 1/11/2018 08:34 AM

I am sorry that your WW didn't have it in her to do what was right. Just know that you gave it your best shot. I gave XWH#2 3yrs to figure it out. It just got worse the longer it went on and the tension grew as he refused to put in the effort to R and kept right on with his LTA.

I promise there is life after infidelity. I thought I would never trust anyone again and was destined to be alone and miserable the rest of my life. I then met a fantastic guy who showed me that wasn't true. We are getting married in a few weeks (something I swore I would never do again ).

Hang in there. Divorce is rarely a piece of cake with someone that already has a "it's all about me" attitude. Don't be surprised when your WW tries to hoover you back. When that doesn't work, they usually turn nasty because they can no longer manipulate you (yes the cheater's handbook has more predictable separation/divorce chapters included).

You will find lots of helpful advice and support in the S/D forum. Again, I am sorry you find yourself where you never wanted to be. (((HUGS)))

squid posted 1/11/2018 08:45 AM

Thank you, ohfor.

Yes, you know my story well. I remember when you told me how you groaned so loudly in public after reading one of my WW's letter's that you scared the woman standing next to you.

Not happy that I'm back here. But I'm glad I'm surrounded by you good folks.

squid posted 1/11/2018 08:48 AM

TrustGone,

Hang in there. Divorce is rarely a piece of cake with someone that already has a "it's all about me" attitude. Don't be surprised when your WW tries to hoover you back. When that doesn't work, they usually turn nasty because they can no longer manipulate you (yes the cheater's handbook has more predictable separation/divorce chapters included).

This is what I'm afraid of. I'm already sensing hoovering since she had her talk with her parents before Christmas. She's being super nice. Even commented how nice I looked for Christmas mass. Is it really an attitude change? Or is she merely looking out for her best interests, ie saving face in front of her family?

[This message edited by squid at 8:49 AM, January 11th, 2018 (Thursday)]

Aquiestoy posted 1/11/2018 08:57 AM

Squid: ww chose this. Didnít think of what would happen after A, and probably still isnít thinking into the future without you financially because she feels youíll just take it like you have prior.
Do me a favor. Think about yourself and your kids first.
She will figure it out financially and if she doesnít, not your circus anymore.
You are a great man, many would love to have a husband like you. You may not be in that mind set now but there will be life after ww and love if you allow it. Heal first, but can you imagine what a wonderful life youíd live if you can find a person that is like you and care about you and isnít a ww?
Hugs!

nothisfriend posted 1/11/2018 09:02 AM

Or is she merely looking out for her best interests, ie saving face in front of her family?

Yep, it's all about her.

I know D is going to be hard. BTDT. But you will be amazed at the life that awaits on the other side. I have absolutely thrived emotionally, physically and financially. And I finally think I see some peace in DS and his relationship with his father. It's all good.

squid posted 1/11/2018 09:44 AM

Nothisfriend,

I know D is going to be hard. BTDT. But you will be amazed at the life that awaits on the other side. I have absolutely thrived emotionally, physically and financially. And I finally think I see some peace in DS and his relationship with his father. It's all good.

Thank you. I have been trying to imagine life on the other side. It's hard when you have a big, stinking pile of shit in front of you. One step at a time, I guess. To say everything feels so uncertain would be an understatement.

SuperDaddy1027 posted 1/11/2018 09:59 AM

I know D will not bring relief.

Trust me I thought the same thing squid. Your attitude will change when you come out the other side.

Apparently, her version of D is the kind where we're divorced but still do all family activities (vacations, holidays gatherings, etc) together just like before, except that we're just separate. Yup, we remains friends and everything back to normal.

My XWW said the EXACT same thing! I squashed that immediately. Do yourself a favor. Set those boundaries up early! Over time maybe you guys can partake in holidays together. Personally, for me I donít ever see that happening. Itís not because I hate her, itís because my kids and I enjoy our time alone....just the 3 of us!


I have a suspicion that if we put SD, or a few of the other chaps and ladies over here on the spot, they would be able to relate some similar stories.

Ironically OhFor......this happened to me last week. My boss (of all people) asked me about how I overcame the betrayal. One of her best friends betrayed her and their frienship (no infidelity or anything). I talked about my divorce/separation and the ride I went thru. The phases of grief....how long eaxh phase lasted etc. She said I helped her out tremendously and reiterated what I told her to live by...ĒSurround yourself with people that love you, support you, make you a better person, would never hurt you, and care about you.Ē

My XWW doesnt fit into any of those caregories. I wonít be rude or an asshole to her (for my kids sake and being able to co-parent effectively). I just wonít let her into my life ever again....she lost that privilege.

On a side note squid....what ohfor wrote x1000000000! Beautifully written sir. Read it numerous times. Heís a smart man!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 10:02 AM, January 11th (Thursday)]

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