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brkenagain posted 1/23/2018 21:39 PM

My husband was getting mad at me cause I didnít text him enough while he is gone. Then I mentioned I get on here cause thatís how badly I want to make things work and learn ways to move on. I was then told fuck off if you talk to strangers about stuff. And he is still cussing me out through texting on how ridiculous I am and need to get a life. I am so upset and donít know what to even say back. I am supposed to just sit and suffer and talk to no one. I canít win and Iím crushed

Want2BHappyAgain posted 1/23/2018 21:50 PM


My H would get very upset when I would get on here. But others here would HELP me to figure things out...and I could bring up subjects I hadn't thought about before. I told him that I NEEDED this place because no one else knows about his A...and I had to find an outlet. After this he calmed down...but he knows that if he does something that makes me question it...I'm coming HERE to ask about it.

If you need to come here...please do. If your H is truly remorseful...he will understand.

brkenagain posted 1/23/2018 22:15 PM

He is now telling me to choose him or forums. He keeps telling me to make the choice. Forums or him. If I feel the need to talk with strangers than I need to divorce him. I said okay maybe a therapist, and he said no. Itís me or divorce. Hysterical now

psychmom posted 1/23/2018 22:21 PM

Do you find his reaction excessive or unreasonable? Or is he like this on other matters, too?

It seems extreme to me....not a healthy reaction from him, although my H has gotten angry about my time here at times. But never to the degree youve described. Do you know why your time here upsets him so?

feelingthenoose posted 1/23/2018 22:31 PM

Honey, this guy is not remotely remorseful. Tell him divorce and shut off your phone.

brkenagain posted 1/23/2018 22:38 PM

He just says what the hell do they know. And our stuff should be private and itís pathetic I talk to strangers about personal al and private matters. Iím like they donít know who I am!!! He just kept coming back with choose. I canít even contain myself tat this point. Iím breaking

findingjoy posted 1/23/2018 22:58 PM

He doesn't like the thought of losing control over you.

He doesn't want you to have any outside influence that might enlighten you to his isolation and abuse of you.

I'm so sorry.

I know you don't want to live like this. Please make the choice to refuse control and abuse.

HurtingEveryone posted 1/24/2018 01:18 AM

You must feel so alone. I am so sorry.

As a WH who used threats and fear and anger to try and control situations with my wife, I can tell he is trying to control you. You need to get support for yourself first in whatever way that works best for you. You are not responsible for "choosing" him. You are responsible for choosing yourself. He needs to choose you by taking care of his crap that he brought into your life and your marriage.

OrdinaryDude posted 1/24/2018 09:16 AM

Honey, this guy is not remotely remorseful. Tell him divorce and shut off your phone.

Yup, this.

Have you at least talked to a lawyer yet?

If not, you really need to.

tushnurse posted 1/24/2018 10:27 AM

He is abusing you, and using bullying, and fear to get you to do what he wants.

Do NOT allow this. You are an person that is equal to him, and you have every right to choose your own path, and do what you need to do.

I would encourage you to act today. See a lawyer, get a VAR, record the verbal abuse. Judges don't like bullies and abusers.

He feels like he is losing his control over you, and do not be surprised if he escalates, your reaction of breaking and coming undone, is exactly what he is aiming for.

You deserve better, and your children certainly deserve better.

northeasternarea posted 1/24/2018 10:28 AM

He is now telling me to choose him or forums. He keeps telling me to make the choice. Forums or him. If I feel the need to talk with strangers than I need to divorce him. I said okay maybe a therapist, and he said no. Itís me or divorce. Hysterical now

Make an appointment with an attorney. Also with a counselor. I don't know your back story, but he sounds abusive and controlling.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 10:30 AM, January 24th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 1/24/2018 11:58 AM

I think perhaps he's brainwashed you. I read how awful you feel. All I can suggest is going NC, getting a good D lawyer, and filing for D and for a restraining order, though an RO may be impossibleto get at this point.

NC means no new hurts. Given his abusive nature, maybe that should be 'NC means fewer new hurts.'

brkenagain posted 1/24/2018 12:27 PM

Well now itís radio silence which I hate. Makes me want to text but I also donít want to play the games since he is waiting for me to text. I hate that he is gone until Saturday also, now I just worry this last argument gives him ammo to go do something stupid. Ugh Iím hurting so badly and trying to keep it together

TheBish posted 1/24/2018 13:01 PM

Cutting you off from, or manipulating you to cut off resources or connections is abusive behavior. It the hallmark of an abuser.

Oldwounds posted 1/24/2018 13:06 PM

Cutting you off from, or manipulating you to cut off resources or connections is abusive behavior. It the hallmark of an abuser.

This! Exactly this.

Only YOU know what you need to heal, and if this person who hurt you can't deal with that -- protect yourself and find someone who cares about you.

findingjoy posted 1/24/2018 13:48 PM

He's isolating you.

Has he done this with friends and family, too? I suspect so. Again, hallmark of an abuser.

He'll give you just enough, here and there, to keep you hanging on with a thread of hope, and then he'll hurt you again.

Please do 2 things today:

Google "Betrayal Bonds" - it changed my life.
Read The 180. And then read it again, and again.

Please, for you own sanity sake.

brkenagain posted 1/24/2018 14:03 PM

Ugh I know all this and just want to sit in my closet and cry but canít because I am a mom of three who get out of school soon.

StillStanding1 posted 1/24/2018 14:03 PM

Brkenagain, my heart breaks for you. I went through and read all your previous posts. I think you know what you need to do, but you are resisting doing it. He has cheated on you with five women that you KNOW about. My guess is that there are many many more. In one post you said that you have access to his phone but never look. Sadly, I think you want to play ostrich and think that somehow life can become good again.

Hun, he has no desire or intention to change. He simply tries to appease you for a short while after each discovery and then goes back to his cheating ways. He emotionally abuses you. I think you are so used to it, you donít know any different anymore. This isnít OK.

He doesnít want you to get any support, not here and not IRL.

This is not someone who is remorseful, supportive, loving, or any type of marriage material. You really need to get out. He is not going to change. He has no incentive to change. He wants you to forget his misdeeds and be the loving adoring wife who does everything around the house and for his kids.

Please go see an attorney and find out your rights. You make a decent income on your own and you will also get spousal support and child support. You can do this.

Itís been almost 2 years of you putting up with this from him. Gently, when is enough going to be enough for you? You said that you wouldnít stand for a friend or sister to be treated like this, yet you continue to allow this. Only YOU can make this change. You need to dig very deep and find every bit of courage and strength that you have to get out of this marriage.

I know you say you do not want to ďruinď your childrenís childhood but I think they are currently witnesses to a terrible example of how a husband should treat a wife.

Do you have someone that is willing to be your supporter, drive to the attorneyís office, and hold your feet to the fire? Someone who will spur you to action ? Someone who wants what is best for you and is willing to push you, out of their love and concern for you? The community here at SI is wonderful and we have your back, but we are still only words on the screen that cannot take you by the hand and walk with you into that attorneyís office. I sure wish we could.

Iím sure youíve heard the saying, ďnothing changes if nothing changesĒ. YOU need to make the changes. Your WH wonít. Heís not going to change. Hoping for your old life/relationship back wonít get you anywhere. Do you still want to be feeling this way and having the exact same issues two more years from now? I canít imagine that you do.

I am praying for your strength to stand up for yourself, know you deserve better, go see an attorney, and start the divorce process. You can do this. You have to. Do it FOR yourself and FOR your kids.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 2:06 PM, January 24th (Wednesday)]

StillStanding1 posted 1/24/2018 14:13 PM

He doesnít get home until Saturday. Use Thursday and Friday to see an attorney. Choose yourself. Choose your well-being. Choose your sanity.

This man (term used loosely) is destroying you. Your kids will see their mom destroyed by their dad. NO. NO. NO. Do not allow it for one more day. Stand up for yourself. Please.

deephurt posted 1/24/2018 14:22 PM

You deserve so much better than what this asshole is giving you. He is being abusive.

Stand up for yourself, tell him you will do as you see fit to help you heal and then see a couple of lawyers and find out what all your options are.

He sounds like such a jerk.

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