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I think I am done

Cornucopia posted 2/2/2018 00:46 AM

Another day another seemingly indifferent WAS. He's been this way since Christmas. We've talked about it. He's said it's circumstantial (work stress etc). I'm not feeling safe, particularly after minor surgery on Friday, which has left me in pain to which his response is running away.
I have no more energy to throw at R. I have to focus on me.
Finalising appointment with attorney for next week, likely to tell him in MC on Wednesday.
I'm done. I'm sore emotionally and physically but I'm done. I'll be okay. I'm not currently okay, but I will be.
I'm not aware of active resentment so much as being an independent observer of what's happening in my life and deciding it's not good for me.
Will have to figure out inhouse separation of some sort because there isn't money for any alternative right now.
But this too shall pass. And at 47, I'm young enough to make a go at a new life. Kids are grown up and life will go on.
I'm astounded at how much anxiety I had when I started writing this and how much peace I have at the end of writing it.

SisterMilkshake posted 2/2/2018 01:18 AM

It is amazing to me how writing out my thoughts and feelings, sharing them on an anonymous forum, how helpful that could be to me.

I am sorry that you are feeling low right now, but you are right, in time this will pass. You will get stronger and be okay. I am sorry that your WAS ( I am not sure what the A is for, but I will post it as you did ) is there for you. It doesn't sound as if he has good coping mechanisms and that he is maybe lacking in empathy for you and what you need.

Wishing you a fast healing in body, spirit and mind. Wishing you much peace and serenity on your healing journey, Cornucopia.

The1stWife posted 2/2/2018 03:23 AM

Sometimes it is the smallest thing that has an impact.

Minor surgery and pain and he bolts.

I think maybe you realized you cannot count on him and you can survive on your own.

Sorry it had to come to this.

ReliantRobin posted 2/2/2018 04:06 AM

You sound like an incredibly strong person. I'm glad that articulating your current situation has helped you find some peace with it.

It's draining to live in constant uncertainty. Never sure what your future holds. A partner should be someone who is your safe place. A rock in the stormy waters. One of the many sad truths of being a BH is living with the knowledge that your safe place was actually just well disguised hornets nest.

No matter what your future holds I hope you manage to hold on to your peace.

Cornucopia posted 2/2/2018 05:07 AM

Thanks guys.
WAS was an autocorrect error but could now be tweaked into Wandering Absent Spouse. Because for all intents and purposes, I am alone.

Cornucopia posted 2/2/2018 05:07 AM

Oops. Duplicate

[This message edited by Cornucopia at 6:20 AM, February 2nd (Friday)]

ThisEffingSucks posted 2/2/2018 06:03 AM

They say that youíll know when youíve had enough. It sounds like you have had that moment of clarity in how to move forward. Iím glad you are at peace with your decision.

Youíre right, at 47, you do still have lots of time to do wonderful things and make a new life. Plus, the maturity and wisdom now to avoid people like you WH.

I wish you the best of luck and strength in your new life.

Hopeful33 posted 2/2/2018 14:07 PM

I am in the same spot you are, so you are not alone. I am drained because I feel I have done all the work to get through reconciliation, and he has done none. I have asked for things to help and he ignores my requests. Requests such as transparency with accounts and phone have never been fulfilled. Emotionally, I am not okay and he sees it, but does nothing to help. So, we have to help ourselves I think.

Planning on having a conversation tonight about how I feel. I just think it may be time to move on. Good luck!

momonthego posted 2/4/2018 21:04 PM

So sorry to hear about what you are going through both with the minor surgery you recently had and the problems in your marriage. It is important for you to love yourself more than ever and it seems like you are starting to do that now. You can definitely make it through whatever life throws at you.

Sara123 posted 2/4/2018 21:51 PM

I am done as well.. My mistake was that I actually gave him 3 more years... I finally got happy again and he just took the happiness away. When you are not put first it's time to go.. I was put first right after my WS did what he did. Now he just seems to hurt me more everyday.. I am 48 and he is 44... Selfishness

sisoon posted 2/5/2018 11:25 AM

I'm astounded at how much anxiety I had when I started writing this and how much peace I have at the end of writing it.

That's a giant indicator you're making the right choice.

I do have a quibble: I see no necessity to tell your H you're done, or even that you're seeing a lawyer, ahead of time. You say you're alone - you don't need to tell anyone.

Notthevictem posted 2/5/2018 11:45 AM

Corn, I think I remember your first post. You have come a long way.

Cornucopia posted 2/8/2018 07:02 AM

Saw the lawyer today.
Even if I follow my heart (which is broken and doesn't actually want a divorce), the only way either WS or me will retain anything financial under our laws in my country, is for us to divorce.
Lawyer is also a friend and I asked her what her legal advice would be and what her advice as a friend would be.
Her view: divorce privately (ie don't tell anyone) to safeguard the house against financial debtors of WS and to separate finances, sign a cohabitation agreement to work on reconciliation, and in the process separate the legal marriage from the relationship.
WS was shocked that I was seeing the lawyer and has seriously come to the party over the last week.
The trick is that safeguarding the house requires an amicable divorce - the minute our antenup is activated by an acrimonious or contested divorce, his debts mean that neither of us gets anything except the divorce decree.
Today's news shattered me. And him. I thought our antenup was great. And it was, for its time.but laws have changed since it was signed.
It looks like I'm getting divorced either way, to save the house - bit only if we can agree on a settlement.
This stuff is fucking hard.

Cornucopia posted 2/8/2018 07:07 AM

Forgot to say: I figured out inIC (after my original post on this thread) that the relief re the divorce is because the infidelity is actually a dealbreaker for me.
But maybe this offers an opportunity to get the divorce we need financially and I need emotionally, but retain the relationship through reconciliation.
I maintain my boundaries and dignity, and things are safer financially for the family as a whole. (Ie the kids will still inherit something)
Maybe I'm just trying to find a silver lining?
Again: fuck, this is hard.

Cornucopia posted 2/11/2018 03:20 AM

An update:
I instructed the lawyer yesterday to draw up the divorce settlement and the cohabitation agreement and a new draft of my will.
Strangely, now that divorce is a definite, our relationship is incredible.
Let's see if it lasts.
But in the meantime, we're being loving and kind to each other and able to talk about stuff - even a nasty trigger this morning - without losing it.
It's almost as if having the decision to D made and agreed upon relieved us of huge pressure and we can relax into the actual relationship.
I didn't foresee that.

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