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I Gave In... Ex Husband and I are still attracted to one another

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Broken2012 posted 2/21/2018 21:37 PM

My exSIL health hasn't been great. So I agreed to drop the kids off a few days early for his visitation instead of meeting halfway. While the kids were visiting their grandparents my ex and I talked in private about the kids, but the conversation quickly turned a little more personal. My daughter phoned in the middle of it and asked if they could stay the night, so they could visit their sick aunt the following day. So they stayed the night there. This left the ex and me in a very vulnerable place. I know I should have walked away, but I didn't. In the end, we ended up having sex. I left right away. I'm sitting on the side of the highway on my way home. I have so many emotions going through my mind. My ex-has sent me a bunch of texts apologizing for things going too far, and that it shouldn't have happened. But I'm sitting here thinking: "Was it meant to be" or should I just try and avoid a similar situation going forward. I'm just so confused.

Like I felt so much relief when we filed for divorce. But now that we are not together, and I'm really accepting and dealing with the aftermath of his affair, I'm really missing him. The sex was great, the intamcy was great. It's nice being apart at times. I'm so conflicted. I guess I needed to get this out here.

[This message edited by Broken2012 at 9:39 PM, February 21st (Wednesday)]

honesttoafault posted 2/21/2018 22:04 PM

I caved in once too and had sex with my ex and like you had conflicting emotions.

One of my wise friends here on SI said that we married them in the first place for a reason, there are things about them that we may still be attracted to.

But that doesn't mean we are meant to be together. Although it's crazy, and I shouldn't feel this way, I still love stbxWH #2, but he's toxic for me.

I know that deep inside you , you may long for the old days when things were good, but you have to remember why you D in the first place.

Forgive yourself for the lapse. Stay the path and avoid a similar situation going forward. It's normal to have conflicting emotions.

Jls0320 posted 2/21/2018 22:29 PM

I will admit that I had sex w my ex husband I think 2 times after our divorce? My reasons were a bit twisted though, if I remember correctly he was still w OW

PlanC posted 2/21/2018 22:35 PM

So do y’all want each other back?

Broken2012 posted 2/21/2018 23:14 PM

So do y’all want each other back?

My ex husband one hundred percent wants to get back together. My daughter wants us to get back together. A part of me is open to the idea but I have a lot of personal healing, and finding myself. I'm not shutting the idea out, but divorce for me was what I needed to happen. I feel at peace with the "dead" marriage being gone. But I do find myself feeling conflicted.

OrdinaryDude posted 2/22/2018 00:19 AM

You don’t have to be married to him to try a new relationship.

sillyoldsod posted 2/22/2018 02:40 AM

You don’t have to be married to him to try a new relationship.
^^^ This.

My ex husband one hundred percent wants to get back together.
Has your XH sought IC since D-day? What has he done to show he can potentially be a safe partner?

PlanC posted 2/22/2018 05:33 AM

You can always try living together so long as he agrees to your terms (device transparency, GPS). If you are the primary wage earner get a prenup. And always keep your own independence (job, bank account)—and all assets go in your name—that way if he strays you can put on your bitch boots without hesitation.

lieshurt posted 2/22/2018 13:08 PM

Has your XH sought IC since D-day? What has he done to show he can potentially be a safe partner?

^^^This

tushnurse posted 2/22/2018 13:42 PM

Sex, is fine.. should you do it with your X probably not. Creates a lot of blurry boundaries, but you won't be the first or last to do this.

However..... What has he done to change himself, to own his choices, to heal his brokenness.

Him wanting you back, the kids wanting should NOT factor into your choice to try again. You need to look at things from a standpoint of what is different now, and are the things that are different are they real, will they last? Is it just a show ?

See what I'm saying? I would encourage you to avoid doing this again, until you have more clarity.

Broken2012 posted 2/22/2018 16:50 PM

Has your XH sought IC since D-day? What has he done to show he can potentially be a safe partner?

He wasn't remorseful at first as he broke NC. But when I asked for a separation, and filed for divorce the first time he through the other woman under the bus, apologized for face to face with her husband (resulted in a black eye) and sought an IC. He stopped making excuses and really started to be the husband that was there for me during a dark time in my life before we officially got together.

Up until we mutually agreed to divorce he had down everything he could have done to be the husband I needed but I was struggling emotionally. It was me who wasn't okay, and when he was offered a better paying job is when I finally realized the divorce needed to happen. It was inevitable. He would have turned the job, and I didn't want to go with him. And he knew this. So after a heart to heart conversation we decided it was best for the divorce (which I had filed again, but was at a standstill) to go through.

Since then he has told a mutual friend of ours that he wished the divorce never went through. He missed me and wanted to get back together but would respect my decision and continue to work on himself, and hope that one day we could reconcile.

He did call me this morning apologizing again for what happened. I told him it wasn't his fault, but we needed to make sure it didn't happen again. He was quiet after that and I half expected he was looking for a different response. THat maybe I felt something and would hint at something else. I don't know.

Broken2012 posted 2/22/2018 16:54 PM

You can always try living together so long as he agrees to your terms (device transparency, GPS). If you are the primary wage earner get a prenup. And always keep your own independence (job, bank account)—and all assets go in your name—that way if he strays you can put on your bitch boots without hesitation.

He makes a lot more money then I do. He was very favorable in our divorce, and I came out more than okay. He pays a lot in child support, and gives me alimony, and extras (which had come to the point that I have refused, because I don't want to take advantage of him) but if I were to consider getting back together with him, special considerations would be put in place for my peace of mind.

Jls0320 posted 2/22/2018 19:52 PM

Sounds like your ex did some good work on himself, do you want to reconcile? I miss my ex, I would consider reconciling but he has never seemed remorseful or that I know of done any work on himself. Plus he now has another child and with his poor boundaries I’m not sure I could handle that situation. Mine supposedly still loves me but I’m not sure

Broken2012 posted 2/22/2018 22:14 PM

Do you want to reconcile?

I'm battling with this. I miss him and after last night, I realize that I love him and want him more than I realized. It almost seems like divorce was inevitable in order to be free from the affair. I forgave him a long time ago. But I'm so afraid of being vulnerable. I'm so afraid of feeling deflated, sad, meh. I feel like I should tell him how I feel, but I don't want to give him false hope when I'm so confused.

Edit to add: I think one of the hardest things I had to accept was that his affair tainted two should have been enjoyable moments in my lives. My pregnancy and birth of my son were tainted because he had an affair at the end of my pregnancy, and the first part of my son's life. And the aftermath of his affair affected my entire pregnancy with my daughter and her whole life up until we divorced. I know he regrets it all and would go back and change things if he could. He is a good father, and I'm forever grateful he came into my life. He gave my oldest daughter the father she never had. I think I have started to come to a point where I accepted what he did, can't change what he did and just be happy that he gave me two beautiful children, and is a wonderful, caring father to my three children.

[This message edited by Broken2012 at 10:20 PM, February 22nd (Thursday)]

devotedman posted 2/23/2018 12:02 PM

Please really think over not being honest with him about how you feel. I know that you "don't want to give him false hope," so you're not being Open, Authentic, Trustworthy, and Honest in your communications.

Does "sparing his/her feelings, so I won't tell them" sound familiar at all?

Now, I'm not saying that your thinking is wayward in any way. What I am saying is that, _if_ he has really worked on himself and _if_ he isn't dating anyone else exclusively and _if_ you think that he is safe to share with _then_ you should consider being open with him _if_ you want to communicate clearly.

He _may_ be worthy of another relationship with you now. Of course, he may not. That bit is really up to you.

I do know that I had relations with my xWW a time or two after the divorce was final. She was no different, really. Not safe.

Be gentle with yourself. Think about reasonable boundaries and set them.

Broken2012 posted 2/23/2018 15:13 PM

Please really think over not being honest with him about how you feel.

I had a conversation with my friend after I last posted. She also asked me this exact question. She asked me what I was benefiting from not being honest with my feelings to him. That him having false hope or any hope at all is irrelevant. Because obviously there is something there otherwise I wouldn't have just left there so quickly afterward and been so conflicted if a part of me didn't want him. It's been a good half a year and the feelings aren't disappearing if anything the desire is increasing.

So tonight I made the decision to tell him how I feel, as confusing as my feelings are. It kind of feels like I may be giving him mixed messages. ANd I want to be honest about where I am at.

Catch44 posted 2/23/2018 17:51 PM

we ended up having sex.

I'd get an STI test done.

Broken2012 posted 2/23/2018 21:38 PM

I'd get an STI test done.

This caught me off guard. I've had three STD tests, the last one being after I gave birth to my daughter, and all have been cleared. I just can't imagine or did it cross my mind that he'd be unclean as I do believe he hasn't slept with anyone besides me since his affair came to light. But maybe I'm just being naive.


Update: I called him and told him how I felt. I told him that I did feel something and that I still have strong feelings for him. That I missed him, but that I didn't think the divorce was a mistake. I said that our marriage was dead and it was weighing me down. I talked about my conflicted feelings and just layed out how I felt right out. It was freeing to get all that off my chest. I think it was healing for the both of us.

NoMercy posted 2/24/2018 09:03 AM

I guess you really have to ask yourself how much trust he deserves when you'd only been married what - a whole 2 or 3 years when he started his affair? And worse, he was chasing this woman while you were carrying his child.

That's about as low as a cheating man can sink.

I wouldn't reinvest 8 seconds into someone this low.

He showed you EXACTLY who he is, Broken. He couldn't even stay loyal to you for a mere 2 1/2 years of marriage. He SHOWED you who he IS. When someone shows you who they really are, you need to BELIEVE them.

Oh, I'm sure he's chock-full of proclamations about how he's a better man and has turned a corner. Unless he was struck by lightening, he's the same exact cheater he always was.

Beware.

luvmykids posted 2/24/2018 12:02 PM

I just can't imagine or did it cross my mind that he'd be unclean as I do believe he hasn't slept with anyone besides me since his affair came to light.

Why wouldn't he sleep with anyone besides you? You two are divorced so do you really think he has been celibate since you two divorced last July? I doubt it, I would get an STD test too.

You can always start dating each other again, but don't have sex with him, don't live together, don't assume you are the only one and don't combine your finances. I would take any extras he gives me if I were you now because once he hooks up with another women and/or remarries that's going to stop. He does that out of guilt or to get on your good side hoping you will take him back.

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