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Why do we villainize the AP and accept WS back?

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Randy1133 posted 3/1/2018 11:20 AM

78% sounds a little high. I guess it depends on what statistics you look at and who is being sampled. Its one of those things that you will never get good stats on. For example, if you ask a cheater why the marriage ended, the cheater will usually not say because he/she cheated (we drifted apart, we argued alot, etc...). If you ask the betrayed spouse why their marriage ended, they will likely name infidelity as the main reason.

trustedg posted 3/1/2018 11:22 AM

At first I blamed WH more than AP, he was the one that made the vows, lied to me, betrayed me.

WH did not get a free pass. He had to do a lot of work first. He is remorseful, he owned it, he admitted it was his own fault, said he could have said no but he didn't.

AP was a "friend", married to a friend, we had dinner together frequently. She made excuses (blame shifting), said it was a "little mistake" (not sure how a year long affair is a little mistake), and refused to stop contacting WH. She called WH at work for months after Dday, tried to tell people she didn't know why I avoided her. I still think she is a nasty piece of work.

honesttoafault posted 3/1/2018 11:36 AM

In general, it can all depend on a lot of factors in how much one can hate the AP. I know that there are many AP's who had no idea that their new found love was married. I know a lot of people personally who this happened to and they stopped the relationship immediately when they found out. I know that after I D, it could happen to me too. I don't think these people are to blame, but are victims of a very selfish wayward.

That said, I know with xWH#1, I was very angry and blamed him for the A, but also angry at the AP who KNEW he was M, but for some reason, because I found out she was a bar slut who broke up another M previously, I didn't waste all my energy hating her.

With xtbxWH#2, I absolutely abhor the AP.

I am sick and tired of people telling me IRL, that I shouldn't be so angry at her. That I don't know the lies that WH#2 told her etc. She KNEW all about me and our kids. She met me and my kids many times(classic secretary of WH story) and gave me dirty looks when I had no idea what was going on. Found out that many, many people told her the truth. She slept in my bed, wore my clothes, used all my things, used my perfume and makeup, etc etc.

What they BOTH did made me feel violated, not just betrayed.

I blame WH#2 100% for his actions and am extremely angry at him.

I also blame AP because she knew and the actions that she did and continued to do even after I found out.

But I guess the question is, Why would we take WS back? I did believe all his lies, gaslighting, etc at first, I guess because I so wanted to believe it. I so wanted to have the old M back, that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. The emotional abuse that was ongoing and insiduous before, multiplied many fold after Dday.

The more I found out about everything, the more and more I got angry, upset and depressed.

There is now AP#2 (or 200, who knows?). It was the straw that broke my back, ripped off my blinders. AP#1 is jealous and heartbroken I hear, but ironically, I am grateful and not angry at #2 because this time it made me be able to make the right decision to leave. I don't want to know anything about the A. I don't care. It doesn't matter anymore.

BrainFreeze posted 3/1/2018 15:58 PM

Why do we villainize the AP and accept WS back?

I never loved the AP, I never even knew him. Easy to hate.

HOWEVER - I did tell my wife that "Every time I get mad at him, I realize that I should be doubly mad at you. You are the one that married me, he was just a lonely guy with his dick in his hand."

So, every time I think of something devious to do to him... it goes away quick because I know it's my wife I should be mad(er) at.

That doesn't mean that I am going to stop thinking of devious things to do to him.

Like sending a fake gay love letters to his neighbors, but addressed the note inside to him. (oops, wrong address)

That one makes me giggle. Like really, truly giggle..... I'm giggling now... Those notes might go on forever...

ISurvived7734 posted 3/1/2018 16:20 PM

oldtruck: you say

78% of marriages survive an affair that means a lot of BS's are motivated to forgive the ws
I think that number is a bit high based on the research I've seen, but I'll give you that number. The thing that any of these percentages don't even try to measure is what "survive" means. If you are too weak and/or codependant to leave but will hate your WS until the day you die, did your marriage really "survive"? Not divorcing is not the same thing as surviving infidelity. I very much doubt that successful reconciliation from infidelity occurs in more than 20% of the cases.

OwningItNow posted 3/1/2018 17:00 PM

I think there is going to be anger. Period. A lot of it.

Different situations have different variables, and it can get pretty convoluted. While riding the rollercoaster, feelings go up, down, and all around. People need to do whatever they need to do.

But, what I really wonder is: is there any benefit to the BS and/or the marriage in HAVING anger (i.e. blame) directed at the AP? Is there any benefit to the B/S or the M in NOT having anger (blame) directed at the AP?

People say, "Feelings are not right or wrong." Well, yes and No.

Feelings can be healthy or unhealthy, helpful or unhelpful, correct or misguided, positive or negative. How does this hate/blame for the AP impact the BS and the M? In my experienced IC mind, that is what really matters. And the answer dictates if it's something to work on or not.

oldtruck posted 3/1/2018 21:40 PM

Quality of the recovery is not the topic.

The topic is why the BS forgives the WS but not the
WS.

Again; the motivation to stay married, remember the
BS was not the one cheating, so they were not
looking to end their marriage. Thus this provides
the motivation for the BS to forgive the WS.

The BS never needs to forgive the AP to be able to
recover their marriage. There is no motivation for
the BS to forgive the AP. So may the AP burn in
hell. And if the AP was to catch on fire here on
the earth now I doubt any BS would be willing to
piss on the AP to put the fire out.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 9:41 PM, March 1st (Thursday)]

OwningItNow posted 3/1/2018 21:48 PM

Quality of the recovery is not the topic.

Isn't it the topic of everything we do and say here? Isn't it the topic of SI entirely?

It's called Surviving Infidelity.
It is not called Keeping the Marriage.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:00 PM, March 1st (Thursday)]

OwningItNow posted 3/1/2018 22:04 PM

Again; the motivation to stay married, remember the
BS was not the one cheating, so they were not
looking to end their marriage. Thus this provides
the motivation for the BS to forgive the WS.

Actually, that is exactly my point/fear.

In the quest to save the (potentially toxic) marriage to a cheater, a BS blames the AP. While understandable due to pain and unfairness, can that possibly be a good idea? Healthy?

Hardroadout posted 3/2/2018 07:13 AM

I don't think it is unhealthy to have valid feelings. You feel them but do not have to act on them.

I blame WS 100% for being a lying POS with no decency, integrity, or morals.

I blame AP 100% for being a lying POS with no decency, integrity, or morals.

And I feel fine with that. Those feelings are valid. I am entitled to them and to feel them. Those feelings are a healthy response to an actual reality...they both failed at being decent human beings.

psychmom posted 3/2/2018 07:48 AM

I villainize the OW because i have a lot of feelings that need to be let out anf processed. My H can only take so much, so the remainder are shared with the weapons he used to assault me.

oldtruck posted 3/2/2018 12:17 PM

"Isn't it the topic of everything we do and say here? Isn't it the topic of SI entirely?
It's called Surviving Infidelity.
It is not called Keeping the Marriage."

Anyone can make a statement so general in scope
to include everything under the sun to make a
point. Though a false point.

This thread was about why the BS does not forgive
the AP.

Again there is no need for the BS to forgive the
AP to recover their marriage.

oldtruck posted 3/2/2018 12:23 PM

"In the quest to save the (potentially toxic) marriage to a cheater, a BS blames the AP. While understandable due to pain and unfairness, can that possibly be a good idea? Healthy?"


False assumption.

Because the BS forgives the WS does not mean that
the BS did not blame their WS and was not angry at
their WS.

The BS was mad at and blamed both the WS and the AP.

Again, the motivation to recover the marriage is
how the BS is able to forgive the WS.

Again, there is no motivation for the BS to ever
forgive the AP.

HurtDec posted 3/2/2018 13:55 PM

Again, there is no motivation for the BS to ever
forgive the AP.

I agree, there is no motivation to forgive the AP, but when we hold on to the bad feelings, do we really move on to a better place? Hate is a feeling.
We make the OW/OM the bad guy, but our spouse is also that bad guy, but worse. I wanted my H to say the AP is a big piece of crap, by saying that he is admitting he is also a big piece of crap. Hard reality there.
My point is that we call the AP horrid names, wish the karma bus hits them, but our spouse did it too. At some point the feelings must fade to nothing for the OW. Is that when we finally have acceptance and focus on moving forward?

[This message edited by HurtDec at 1:56 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]

trepidation posted 3/2/2018 15:03 PM

I did not read the other replies. I'm probably late to this party, but...

Simple answer: Because I choose to stay and directing my anger towards him moving forward only hurts and hinders any progress. I need an outlet for my anger and hurt, so it goes to OW two fold.

Plus, she knew he was married. She had met my young children at the office one time, before it all started. That makes me hate her all the more.

[This message edited by trepidation at 3:06 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]

Randy1133 posted 3/2/2018 15:28 PM

Again, the motivation to recover the marriage is
how the BS is able to forgive the WS.

Guess it depends on what kind of marriage you are looking for... A broken, shitty, disrespectful one. Or a healthy, happy one. There are far too many of the former it seems.

OwningItNow posted 3/2/2018 15:49 PM

forgive

Nobody said anything about forgiving, although some believe it is part of the equation. I'm not sure.

Anger is normal and healthy.
But this is some complicated sh$t.

Many a member has said they were FINE with being angry, and anybody that said different needs to STFU.

Then a few months later they come back and say, "Yep I just wanted to keep my M. But then my WS crapped on the marriage again and I realized the only one I should have blamed was my WS. I was a fool."

Just sayin'.
It happens all the time here.

oldtruck posted 3/2/2018 15:50 PM

"Guess it depends on what kind of marriage you are looking for... A broken, shitty, disrespectful one. Or a healthy, happy one. There are far too many of the former it seems."

The quality of the marriage after recovery has
nothing to do with whether the BS hates or does not
hate the WS.

Again, the BS has no motivation to forgive the AP.
Forgiving the AP is not needed to recover the
marriage after an affair.

Though as HurtDec said with time thoughts of the
AP fade as with all thoughts dealing with the
affair. Allowing those thoughts to fade is needed
to finish healing. So the hate for the AP will
fade. Though they fade due to time doing it's job
not due to the BS forgiving the AP.

Lazarus posted 3/2/2018 15:55 PM

We can agree to disagree. I see it as the AP receiving stolen property.

Good thing a man didn't say this.

OwningItNow posted 3/2/2018 15:56 PM

Though they fade due to time doing it's job
not due to the BS forgiving the AP.

True.
Though I am not sure about the part related to it being necessary for forgiving the WS. That is a dangerous connection.

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