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It's official: I'll never be able to live with anyone again

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lilies21 posted 2/28/2018 07:30 AM

Yesterday was the first spring-like day we have had where I live. We made it over 60 degrees, the sun was shining, and I was able to open the sunroof on my car. I was driving home from running errands when I noticed it: it seemed like every couple and family were out taking a walk. Couples holding hands, moms and dads with strollers or holding the hands of little ones, bringing their dogs along. Holy crap, it got to me in a way nothing has in a long time.

Then...I had a friend couple over to help with my TV. And it happened. They used my bathroom. The guy left the seat up. My hand soap was moved, my hand towel taken off and thrown rumpled back on its hanger, and MY SANITIZER WAS SIX INCHES AWAY FROM WHERE IT SHOULD BE.

The pretty picture evening walks will never happen because apparently I'm too set in my ways now and used to living alone that even just someone moving my bathroom things and leaving the seat up drives me to drinking wine and binge watching TV the rest of the night.

I guess I just need a dog.

[This message edited by lilies21 at 8:13 AM, March 2nd (Friday)]

TheKarmaTrain posted 2/28/2018 07:44 AM

Haha I totally get it. My current bf likes to close the sunroof shade in my car and it literally sends me into a frenzy. I'm so set in my own ways after being on my own these last few years. Also - the leaving the seat up in the bathroom is just gross :)

lilies21 posted 2/28/2018 07:52 AM

My current bf likes to close the sunroof shade in my car and it literally sends me into a frenzy.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No one touches my sunroof unless they want to lose a hand.

Also - the leaving the seat up in the bathroom is just gross :)

Yes! I always keep both lids closed because 1) I used to have dogs and I didn't want them drinking out of the toilet so it just became a habit and 2) I'm so klutzy. Do you know how many things I would drop in the toilet and have to fish out if I left the lid open all the time?

EvenKeel posted 2/28/2018 08:21 AM

I don't understand the issue Lilies with solo dwelling it!

My friend's mom has had a BF for over 25 and says she will never live together again. They both kept their own houses and 'visit' each other. When they need breaks...they go home.

You get to make your own rules. If you want to have your own space forever, you can. Doesn't mean you can have relationships (and make them sign a Sheldon-like contract before using your bathroom).

lilies21 posted 2/28/2018 08:53 AM

I don't understand the issue Lilies with solo dwelling it!
My friend's mom has had a BF for over 25 and says she will never live together again. They both kept their own houses and 'visit' each other. When they need breaks...they go home.

I know that works and I know it's an option someday but...it's not what I imagined...you know? It's not what I wanted. I always wanted to live with someone, cook with that person, take walks and go to bed with that person. It's just another realization of something I always wanted that won't actually be a part of my life, like romance, more kids, etc.... I guess I'm still accepting certain parts of my life that won't turn out the way I always imagined. Guess I'm still growing up in my mid-thirties...whodathunkit?

You get to make your own rules. If you want to have your own space forever, you can. Doesn't mean you can have relationships (and make them sign a Sheldon-like contract before using your bathroom)

A bathroom contract for visitors! I'm totally behind that!

wildbananas posted 2/28/2018 08:58 AM

I totally get it! SO and I have been together almost 5 years and I have zero desire to cohabitate. We live two houses apart, so it's really the best of all worlds.

Jls0320 posted 2/28/2018 09:20 AM

I’m so with you! I’m not sure I will ever be able to share my space again, single life has brought back my “only child syndrome”

Walloped posted 2/28/2018 09:23 AM

It's just another realization of something I always wanted that won't actually be a part of my life, like romance, more kids, etc....

Why? You’re in your mid-30’s. You have your whole life ahead of you. And I totally get where you’re coming from about being set in your ways. I’m a bit OCD like that about having things in its place too. But please don’t resign yourself to being alone. Time goes by way too fast. My dad died at 46 and my mom kept saying the same thing as you. Fast forward 25 years and she’s still alone. (Side note: there are many, many men out there that don’t know how lucky they are and should be thanking the heavens that they were saved from her kind of crazy ).

Here’s the key: One day you will meet someone who you will be happy to have your things messed up a bit for. Alright, maybe not happy but, okay with? Hmmm...tolerant of? No good? How about, won’t jump down his throat over it? Better. Thing is, it’s about the person. A friend is great, but that’s all they are. A relationship is a different level and we do things for them and sometimes don’t even notice when they do things that would otherwise annoy us if someone else did it.

Having said all that, if my wife puts the jam jar on the shelf where the 2 liter bottle of sodas go one more time...

GabyBaby posted 2/28/2018 10:02 AM

I’m in the same mindset, Lilies.
I have absolutely NO desire to live with anyone ever again. I have a gentleman I enjoy but he has to go home. I can only stand him in my space for a couple of days at a time before I start to lose it.
I have a tray on my coffee table and line up my remotes a certain way. One remote is for the ceiling fan/light on the vaulted ceiling. Every time he sleeps over, he moves my remotes around or leaves them haphazardly on an end table (for one of the cats to knock to the fooor).
But worse, because he’s moved my remotes, I can’t immediately put my hand on the light switch and it irritates the hell out of me!!

In any case, I made it very clear when we started hanging out that I had no desire to cohabitate or marry ever again. He “accepts” that but I have a feeling he thinks I will change my mind in a year or two.
He is very sadly mistaken.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 10:39 AM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

Superesse posted 2/28/2018 10:29 AM

Ah but Walloped, maybe that would be okay during some future honeymoon phase, but sooner or later, if lilies is anything like me, the messy actions themselves will trigger bad memories from the Ex, and woe be unto new BF if he has the same bad habits, you know?

I never did my homework with my WH during 4 years of casual dating, by going to see him in his native habitat. He always came to my house, and was always the perfect gentleman while there for the weekends. So how was I to know he preferred to live like a pig, when allowed free reign of his own apartment? I shoulda done a little preliminary investigation! There are guys who like order and relative cleanness, I dated one or two like that.

lilies21 posted 2/28/2018 11:21 AM

Why? You’re in your mid-30’s. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Actually...I'm pretty sure I don't. If I'm lucky, I might have another 20 years. Aside from smoking, my grandma was the picture of health until she suddenly had a stroke when she was 55 and that was it. Replace smoking with Chips Ahoy for a bad habit and you have me: slightly chubby but overall healthy (knock on wood) and I just don't see myself living a long time. I don't know the other half of my family tree but I seem to be a lot like my grandma so I'm only planning on the next 20 years. What the hell I'll do with those 20 though I'm still trying to figure out.

My dad died at 46 and my mom kept saying the same thing as you. Fast forward 25 years and she’s still alone. (Side note: there are many, many men out there that don’t know how lucky they are and should be thanking the heavens that they were saved from her kind of crazy ).

Maybe I'm saving others from my kind of crazy . I'm good at being alone. I may not be ecstatic about it but I'm content with it. I may be missing the pretty walks and hand holding but I don't have to lose my mind when I walk in my own bathroom .


Ah but Walloped, maybe that would be okay during some future honeymoon phase, but sooner or later, if lilies is anything like me, the messy actions themselves will trigger bad memories from the Ex, and woe be unto new BF if he has the same bad habits, you know?

OMG, no. There will be no triggers because I will never, ever, in a million years, ever be with someone like Asshat. The show Hoarders is about people like him. Hell no. In more than one way, I will never be with anyone like him again. The one SO that I had was neater than me. His house always looked like it could be rented out for Air B&B at any moment. I liked his garage probably as much as I liked him because it was so...so...clean. And organized. After Asshat, it was just so nice to see that men could actually be like that .

Superesse posted 2/28/2018 11:54 AM

Lilies, I hear you! The one guy I dated who impressed me so much with his way of keeping his house spotless, unfortunately had just gone through a divorce and the house, which he and his Ex had built together, was minimally furnished and listed for sale. Real estate agents were leaving cards on the kitchen countertop, every day. So I really couldn’t tell about that guy, either, could I?

I had a poll on General last week about cheaters/slobs, which got really diverse responses, much to my surprise. I am still going to run the stats on who is neat and who isn’t. Obviously this is a hot button for you, like it has become for me. I wasn’t like this as a young person, although I was tasked with cleaning house for a family of 6. Maybe it’s The Cinderella Complex?

smokenfire posted 2/28/2018 12:00 PM

My mother was stubbornly single for AGES. Then she got it in her head she wanted to get married, it was a new year's resolution. Anyway, long story short, she did indeed get married to a man who seems very pleasant and nice, to a fault sort of. She treats him terribly. I think some people are happier living alone and when they go ahead and live with someone anyway, they treat them badly due to resentment.

There's no "rule" you must marry and live with someone. I believe you can have fulfilling relationship with out cohabitation.

EvenKeel posted 2/28/2018 12:22 PM

Actually...I'm pretty sure I don't. If I'm lucky, I might have another 20 years.
I don't agree.

My father is like you. All I remember him saying is he will not live to his 50th birthday. That all the men in his family died in their 40ies, etc.

Well, he battled his weight his whole life (loves junk food), his job is on the road so his diet is very restaurant heavy (non-health way), he has always been a heavy smoker, HBP, enlarged heart, quadruple bypass, etc. The man is 72 now.

So don't assume you are a goner in a decade or two. I feel you will still be here so get to drafting those Sheldon contracts!

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 12:23 PM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

FaithFool posted 2/28/2018 12:31 PM

I'm turning 65 this year and can honestly say that after 10 years on my own, I absolutely love living alone.

I have some habits that I would have to curtail if I were to have a housemate, and I just don't wanna.

Phoenix1 posted 2/28/2018 14:40 PM

I get it. There are times I think about the possibility of SO and I shacking up. Then, the more I think about it, the more I have an urge to slap myself silly for going there! Every time he comes over he leaves his empty beer bottle(s) in the same place on the kitchen counter, and in MY OCD world it is the WRONG place!! And towels in the bathroom left unevenly hung? That just sends me right over the OCD edge!

At least he is consistent in his placement of said beer bottles and they aren't left scattered in the living room...and he doesn't leave the toilet seat up!

I'm good with my little sanctuary...and having all the spice jars in alphabetic order with labels all facing forward...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 2:41 PM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

Superesse posted 2/28/2018 16:01 PM

Phoenix, you are too hard on yourself, putting it all down to OCD, when how much is it your aesthetic sense, that you wish a partner shared? I feel like this: unless there is an emergency going on, a man running into bathroom, washing hands, and leaving said room rumpled, damp and disheveled, tells me a couple things about his view of his environment. One, failure to observe conditions. Two, failure to appreciate that IF it looked like that when he got there, SOMEBODY is going to have to put it back that way, if it is left torn up.

As my late father said, after he got single, he realized there was no mystery left about who was going to do the dishes. He washed up everything he used, whereas when he lived with my mother and us, I guess he thought it was somebody else’s job. Usually mine.

My WS had a dozen years of constant road trips and motel rooms (with maids) that was his “home environment.” Marriage ddn’t change that. In any way...

But I think aesthetic appreciation of one’s home is not equivalent to OCD. Organizing spice jars alphabetically? Let’s call that “efficiency!”

Phoenix1 posted 2/28/2018 16:11 PM

Phoenix, you are too hard on yourself, putting it all down to OCD, when how much is it your aesthetic sense

Wish it was that easy, but no, I truly do have OCD about certain things, organization being one of them. I drive myself batty at times because of the extreme obsessive/compulsive nature of it and not being able to let it go.

Organizing spice jars alphabetically? Let’s call that “efficiency!”

Works for me!

Jeaniegirl posted 3/1/2018 11:17 AM

We do get set in our ways and that's a good thing!

I was casually seeing someone and he liked to come and help me do things to my house and landscaping. Then it happened. He asked to use the restroom. Later that afternoon I noticed he had used MY private bathroom, not the big bathroom. He'd left the seat up! That means he had to go past the big bathroom, then through MY bedroom to get to my private bathroom. I saw RED, it made me so mad.

I dropped the casual dating with him and didn't even tell him why. He violated MY area. My private space. Another thing he did twice - riding in my car - he put my passenger seat ALL the way back like he was going to take a damn nap! I don't like my passenger seat moved as it obstructs my driving view.

I like having things MY way and won't let anyone change that.

[This message edited by Jeaniegirl at 11:17 AM, March 1st (Thursday)]

Jeaniegirl posted 3/1/2018 11:17 AM

We do get set in our ways and that's a good thing!

I was casually seeing someone and he liked to come and help me do things to my house and landscaping. Then it happened. He asked to use the restroom. Later that afternoon I noticed he had used MY private bathroom, not the big bathroom. He'd left the seat up! That means he had to go past the big bathroom, then through MY bedroom to get to my private bathroom. I saw RED, it made me so mad.

I dropped the casual dating with him and didn't even tell him why. He violated MY area. My private space. Another thing he did twice - riding in my car - he put my passenger seat ALL the way back like he was going to take a damn nap! I don't like my passenger seat moved as it obstructs my driving view.

I like having things MY way and won't let anyone change that.

[This message edited by Jeaniegirl at 11:17 AM, March 1st (Thursday)]

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