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It's official: I'll never be able to live with anyone again

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Jeaniegirl posted 3/1/2018 11:19 AM

Sorry, double post!

thebighurt posted 3/1/2018 17:30 PM

Lilies, I feel the same about ever living with someone again. Nothing wrong with it in my book. I'm thinking that if, "things happen for a reason", xpos left to give me the good life I have now with the freedom to decide things for myself and do whatever, whenever, and have things the way I want them! We M very young so I never lived by myself before. Now I can appreciate the joys of it.

But I get what you are saying about being affected by seeing the "happy family" walks and going to the park, etc. Who says a "family" has to be three (or more)? People can see you doing that with DS and see that you are happy.

I absolutely love living alone.
I have some habits that I would have to curtail if I were to have a housemate, and I just don't wanna.
Yup! Just don't wanna have someone else around full-time that would make changes in the way I like to live. As others have said, you can have a relationship without living together, not that I think that any relationship is for me.

I agree that you need to stop thinking of a limit to your life. I am much like my mother, but have not had any of her health issues. DS needs you much longer than that, so you need to change that faulty thinking.

ADryHeat posted 3/1/2018 22:45 PM

I actually get this. Before my divorce I’d never lived alone. I’m the youngest of 4 kids and though my older sibllings moved out at times, I was never the only one at home. From my parents’ house I moved in with my exWH.

Now? Even when my kids are here and leave things out of place it drives me nutty. But I LOVE them like no one else, so I let it go and train them on the right way to do things. I have NO interest in ‘training’ a man. My house now is calm and peaceful and pretty and organized and I love it that way.

My master bathroom has a back of door towel hook AND a double towel rack. Every time exWH showered, he tossed the towel over the shower curtain rod. Drove me nuts! The last guy I had stay the night while we were dating took a shower here, and when he was done it looked like no one had used the restroom....curtain closed, water spots gone, towels properly hung. If only everything ELSE about him was that in order.

Creatingpeace posted 3/2/2018 08:08 AM

I 100 percent KNOW I will never ever cohabitate with someone ever again! I actually think we are the smart ones another than cost sharing why would I want to share my space, my private time, my life with someone else ever again. However, I don't think I will ever consider dating again either.

I have dated hundreds of different men, lived with several, it never ever adds anything to my world and always takes away. I am 47 price charming ain't coming now...

However, I am very happy this way, just more poor!

lilies21 posted 3/2/2018 08:58 AM

It's comforting to see other people get it . I have had people ask me IRL if I think I will ever get married again and the few times I have answered truthfully just seemed to make them uncomfortable, like a person isn't supposed to like living alone. In living alone, I can let my OCD flag fly and not have anyone disrupt any order. I can watch what I want or read a book without interruptions (when DS is asleep or gone). DS gets to keep his room however he wants, that's his space, but he knows how things are supposed to be throughout the rest of our home.

As far as not living long, I still don't think it but I still plan for retirement like it will happen. If anything, DS will have a nice nest egg when I kick the bucket.

I'm good with my little sanctuary...and having all the spice jars in alphabetic order with labels all facing forward

I do that too . I've taken it a step further and actually have a list taped to the inside of my cupboard showing all the contents and when things expire. That way I know if I need to replace something soon and I update the expiration date when I get something new. Apparently OCD and too much time on my hands when DS is gone is a bad combination .

BrokenheartedUK posted 3/2/2018 09:40 AM

I totally get it!! TOTALLY. I love sleeping alone. I love watching what I want to watch on tv. I love eating what I want. I have two teenage DDs that live with me still and that's the PERFECT excuse for me to not consider living with someone. I mean think of all that emotional upheaval for them?? Lol.

My perfect relationship is that I can have someone to count on to do things that I like to do with, someone to be there emotionally for me and of course sex, someone that I like to talk to, and then Uber back home where I can get back to my space. I have that now with someone and that is working JUST fine.

The idea of sharing a bed long term much less a bathroom... ugh and yuck. No thanks.

Oh, and I just got a dog last month. I love her so much. She's perfect company and just lies at my feel looking at me adoringly and doesn't argue about watching what I want to watch on the telly.

Superesse posted 3/2/2018 11:02 AM

lilies, when people ask you about getting married again and you get uncomfortable reactions, does this tend to happen in certain settings more than others? Like, for example, in church groups? I have noticed that singles tend to disappear off the radar quite often in churches, probably due to this kind of social reaction. Sorry you have to even explain to people! I was interested if it is a universal reaction or specific to a certain social setting?

When I was single for 16 years before this disastrous marriage, I was quite pleased to live my life and be an active member of my church, but it seemed there were folks who always puzzled why I wasn’t happily married (hey, I wondered the same). I think the feeling of getting past that question, played a large role in my desire to go ahead and marry this guy (after we’d dated for 4 years platonically, with no real romance....I shouldn’t have succumbed....there were reasons he was so lukewarm: his secret sex addict life.)

lilies21 posted 3/2/2018 11:54 AM

It's in pretty much every setting. Work, friends, family. Not church. I'm not religious but I tried to get involved in a church for DS's sake so he had the exposure, the socialization, and so we could both have more connection to the community. Apparently in this modern age in the Midwest, divorced single mothers are still frowned upon in church (ETA: likely not all churches but I tried two). I always seemed to get the stink eye from other women, like I'm single so I must be desperate for a man and have my eye on their husbands. It wasn't worth it.

Would I love to be happily married? Yes. I would love to have someone to take walks with, someone to have an emergency contact, and heck, someone to at least help with half the driving on road trips. Will it ever happen? Probably not. I read too many news stories anyway about children of single mothers getting hurt or killed by the mothers' boyfriends. I'd like to think my picker has improved since Asshat and that I'm too paranoid in general for anything like that to happen but there's just too much risk for DS and myself to ever let myself believe there could ever be a happy family life with a new man. There's a fine line between pessimism and realism and I'm probably straddling it but there it is.

Slight t/j...I wouldn't mind sex though. It's been so long...is it like riding a bike?

[This message edited by lilies21 at 1:03 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]

nothisfriend posted 3/2/2018 12:29 PM

I LOVE living alone. I also LOVE spending the weekends with my BF, either at his house or mine during the winter and at the campground all spring, summer and fall. We have been in an LDR for 1.5 years and it works for us. He is applying for a job near me. Fingers crossed! If he gets it he will live at the camper and for the few winter months he will stay at my house. Note I didn't say move in! My DS is in college, neither BF nor I want him to feel like it isn't still his home either. It's a very small house but we'll make it work. He says he will never get married again; I would like to be married. But nothing will happen while DS is still going to school.

The wonderful thing is that I used to live in chaos and now I don't. It was always implied, or even stated, that I was a hoarder and the mess was because of me. Suddenly I live alone, with DS, and the house is organized, things are put away, we can find stuff. Who was the problem???

thebighurt posted 3/2/2018 12:51 PM

I read too many news stories anyway about children of single mothers getting hurt or killed by the mothers' boyfriends. I'd like to think my picker has improved since Asshat and that I'm too paranoid in general for anything like that to happen but there's just too much risk for DS and myself to ever let myself believe there could ever be a happy family life with a new man. There's a fine line between pessimism and realism and I'm probably straddling it but there it is.
Agreed, Lilies. I watch all the Dateline, etc., shows and wonder if I would "see the signs" - in time. But, then, there are those who refuse to go away and stalk you for calling it quits. I posted in General about a horrific 9-1-1 episode on TV this week about a DV case among other disturbing cases that has stuck with me. I guess it's all that immersion in those true crime shows that are usually the SO or spouse/ex and the fact that IC says I had Stockholm Syndrome and also that xpos tried to kill me.

I read everything I can find about narcs, sociopaths and other disorders in xpos's repertoire and feel I should recognize included psychoses, but still feel unsure about the ones who do a good job of hiding it until they strike. I have a friend who had to make a quick getaway from one who flipped suddenly. Everyone told her how wonderful he was and she thought so, too. But she was forced to give him a beautiful house and move to a different state to get away as quickly as she could. She was lucky to get away. I think of all these things, too......

wildbananas posted 3/2/2018 13:41 PM

Honestly, if SO and I didn't work out, I probably wouldn't date again. The thought of getting with a lunatic really scares me. I don't know why but it feels like the older I get (I'm 50), the more possible it is. That may be me being lame, though. Logically, I know lunatics come in all genders and ages.

BJE49 posted 3/3/2018 01:39 AM

lilies21, I've said it before and I'll say it again, you will find someone one day to give your love too, other than your DS.

Lets face it, you like your own space right now, understandable after the asshole you were married too and you still have to deal with him, we get it, but the day will come when it will be like water running of a ducks back for you to handle his absurdness.

You are not afraid of meeting other men, or getting to know them better, you just have not met that special one yet.

I'm convinced you are to good a catch for some man out there, for him to let you slip through his fingers or leave you sitting on the fence, he may not be that knight in shinning armour on a big white stallion that will ride up to that fence to carry you off, that's fantasy land, great if it becomes true, but more likely he will be someone more like you, who's life has also been dealt a shit sandwich that neither of you wanted.

As for not living to a ripe old age, you need to change that thoughts there, for one day you will be bouncing your grandchildren on your knees, I should say, darling grandchildren that your DS has made with his loving wife, bet you change your mind then and want to stay in this world a lot longer.

So chin up girl be ready for when it happens.

Regards BJE49

lilies21 posted 3/3/2018 20:47 PM

Thanks again, BJE49, but if it ever happens, it happens, but it's nothing I'm counting on. Some people do spend the rest of their lives single and I may just be one of them. And thankfully I'm in a place where I don't need a knight in shining armor. I would love to have grandkids (especially since it will be my only chance to hold a baby again) but nothing is guaranteed there either. If DS ever does have kids, I'm going to be such an overwhelming, overinvolved grandma .

BJE49 posted 3/4/2018 07:57 AM

lilies21,

If DS ever does have kids, I'm going to be such an overwhelming, over involved grandma.

You maybe right, but I think because you bringing your DS to be a considerate, understanding adult, he might have something to say to his mother about that, in the nicest possible way of course.

Just out of interest, when it happens, have you thought about which title you would prefer to be known as/called by the grandchildren, grandma, nanna, ect.

For me it’s gramps and the wife nanna.

Regards BJE49

lilies21 posted 3/4/2018 20:48 PM

Hopefully DS will let me know if/when I'm too much as a grandma . I just see grandparents at school and sporting events for DS's peers now and feel bad that he doesn't have that. He rarely ever even has his father. He has a cheering section of one. As far as a name, probably just grandma unless DS's kids would come up with anything else .

Looking back...I can't believe I lived with Asshat. I just can't. No wonder I enjoy time on my own. I saw him at DS's pinewood derby this weekend and he looked terrible. Hasn't had a haircut in months, getting fat, growing a beard, wearing dirty and ill-fitting clothes. DS even said his dad embarrassed him. Asshat brought one of his brothers along too and they looked like homeless hillbillies who came into the facility just to get warm. My dad always said I was the one who kept Asshat "normal" and holy hell, I guess that was true because he never looked like that with me. He never could take care of himself though. I always had to remind him when to shower, when to brush his teeth, and I barely even have to remind DS anymore and he's seven. No wonder I love being on my own. Asshat's brother being there just made me realize yet again how lucky I am to be away from that family. He stared at me so much and looked so creepy that other parents mentioned it to me because they were worried.

The fun part that I also wrote about on the weekend thread: we kicked their asses at the derby . Asshat always prided himself on being a great builder (which he wasn't) and his cars got beat by mine. Okay, by everyone else's too but his cars didn't come close to ours. He got beat by a girl . And when they called for the winning and best in show for the family car, they were saying his last name but not the family he's part of since the girlfriend's kid goes by her last name. No one there even knew he was DS's dad since he never goes to scouts with DS. I was mixed in with the other families who knew me, liked me, and Asshat's clan was on the outside looking in. My new beginning may be solo with my son but I'm a kick-ass derby car builder, I'm liked and involved, and I don't have a man-child to care for so it's a win.

[This message edited by lilies21 at 8:53 PM, March 4th (Sunday)]

nothisfriend posted 3/6/2018 09:24 AM

Sounds like you had an awesome Derby win! Congrats

My xMIL divorced in 1987 and has been single ever since. She had a gentleman friend for a few years that she went out on dates with but he passed away. She never introduced him to us, it was a very casual relationship. She has a marvelous fulfilled life - I know I wouldn't be able to maintain the social pace that she does! She is going to be 80 in April, went hiking in the Appalacian Mts last year and is planning a hiking trip to the San Juan Islands this year.

I can see you being that person. You are strong, determined and a mother.

6M$Man posted 3/6/2018 11:32 AM

This thread makes me giggle. I currently have to live with my Dad to take care of him, and it drives me bonkers. He's so sloppy. I have a very particular way I like to do things and the way things need to be, and another human in the mix just screws everything up.

thebighurt posted 3/6/2018 13:23 PM

He stared at me so much and looked so creepy that other parents mentioned it to me because they were worried.
No one there even knew he was DS's dad
So no one knew he was your ex and observed the creepy stares. That would be really scary to observe, especially since he and the brother looked so scruffy and like homeless people. I think he knows now what he gave up. Might even blame you for being in that situation - xpos blames me, I know. Everything he did and everything that has happened between us is MY fault!

ETA: Congrats to DS and you for the big win! And the ability to bask in your superiority validation. Glad DS appreciates you.

[This message edited by thebighurt at 1:25 PM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

lilies21 posted 3/6/2018 14:20 PM

Thanks, everyone. nothisfriend, your ex-MIL sounds awesome. Does she need a travel partner ? I would just love to find other women who would love to do things like that. Since my incident in September, I'm not crazy about going out doing things by myself and it's difficult to find others who have the time and ambition to do much of anything.

I have a very particular way I like to do things and the way things need to be, and another human in the mix just screws everything up.

YES! I wasn't much that way with Asshat because it felt like I was always traveling in his wake cleaning up after him; I didn't have time to be very organized and do things the way I really wanted to do them. I've gotten that way being on my own and when my sister moved in for a year, that threw me for a loop too because she came from a very messy, cluttered household and I'm very OCD about any clutter. I hope things are going well with your dad, 6M$Man.

So no one knew he was your ex and observed the creepy stares. That would be really scary to observe, especially since he and the brother looked so scruffy and like homeless people.

No one mentioned Asshat staring, just his brother but nope, no one knows Asshat is my ex. Most people have seen Asshat around because he attends meetings with the girlfriend's kid but they don't know his relation to DS because he's never with DS. Stare away, Scrubby Hillbilly, and go ahead and report back to your family how good and happy I look away from Asshat.

I think he knows now what he gave up. Might even blame you for being in that situation - xpos blames me, I know. Everything he did and everything that has happened between us is MY fault!

I'm sure he loves to blame the divorce for his finances. I searched court records today and his garnishments are up to three .

ETA: Congrats to DS and you for the big win! And the ability to bask in your superiority validation. Glad DS appreciates you.

Thanks . I felt bad for the girlfriend's boy but it felt good to beat Asshat. The cars he built were crappy looking too while both of our cars won best in show.

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