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When to stop asking questions about the A - WS welcome

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Prickly posted 3/10/2018 15:05 PM

It's been 7 months and I ask the same questions over and over again. WH is frustrated because he give me the same answer over and over again but I keep asking. He feels I'm doing this because I'm trying to get him to say something else besides what he is telling me. I know every find detail according to WH.

I don't believe some of the things he's saying because it doesn't make sense. For instance, he said there was no affection between him and OW - no hand holding, cuddling or hugging. But they did sleep together. WH told me they never spoke about any type of future together or how they felt about each other and if that had happened he wouldn't have continued (maybe because it would have made he realize what he was doing?)

I contacted OW and she painted a picture that there was something more there. She told me there were not "I love yous" but she said that he planned to leave me for her. That doesn't make sense to me. Why would he leave for someone he never said I love you to? Some of the things she told me I knew were lies.

I don't know what to believe any more. I have a hard time believing my WH but I don't believe what I've been told by OW either. WH is convincing but I really have doubts. And when I think about it, how good of a person is OW that would make me believe her? She found out about me and that didn't stop her and neither did finding out that I had been pregnant during that time stop her from trying to connect with him again either. Is she lying so that she doesn't seem like the POS that she really was or is WH? Or both?

I guess my question is, when do you stop asking questions? When is it enough to move on from? Is there no point in continuing to ask? Our MC told me to stop asking because it isn't helpful anymore and I know enough but I can't help it sometimes. It feels like the doubt is eating me alive. Or maybe it's my gut screaming at me? What do you do with the doubt?

WH says he is trying. We've been to MC when we can and we've done Retrouvaille. But our daily interactions are quite negative. We end up fighting almost daily and what starts it is me asking questions.

Sorry this seems more like a rant than anything else.


wifehad5 posted 3/10/2018 15:33 PM

You stop asking when you feel you have all of the answers you need. For me that took awhile.

What I see now is that what I was hearing was so for out of my reality, it took quite a while for it to sink in. It's not a good sign that he's frustrated so soon.

annb posted 3/10/2018 15:37 PM

I am 13 years out, and I STILL ask a question now and then.

For YEARS I probably asked them almost daily, then weekly, then it lessened with time.

My WH never got frustrated, and many of the questions were repeated over and over and over.

Understand, both your WH and OW are liars. Both of them. They will minimize or exaggerate, whichever suits the moment.

BTW, fire that MC. You get to ask as many questions as you need to for as long as YOU NEED TO ASK.

steadychevy posted 3/10/2018 17:04 PM

BH, here. You ask as long as you need to ask. This is such a trauma it takes a long time for reality to sink in. I asked questions over and over. Some I didn't remember asking previously and many I knew I asked but couldn't remember that answer. And I asked some that I got different answers to.

As wifehad5 said, it's a little disconcerting that your WH is getting frustrated. Healing takes 2 to 5 years. Will he hang in there as long as it takes for you to get to healed? Questions can go on much longer than that as annb indicated.

Prickly posted 3/10/2018 17:05 PM

I guess I should clarify that WH gets frustrated when I question his answer or say that "it doesn't make sense" or "why didn't you do that vs. this..." He says that I'm taking what he says and throwing it back in his face or telling him what he felt was "wrong". I don't think I am but he thinks that I am and tells me that the questions and our interactions are driving us further apart.

Wifehad5 - I think that's why I'm asking those questions. What he did was so out of reality that I can't believe it. I'm also disappointed that he gets frustrated. But that's an expectation that I have. If I had been in his shoes, I wouldn't get frustrated or upset. Maybe I'm projecting.

annb - Thank you for the reassurance that I'm not being unreasonable. When WH gets frustrated and upset I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Prickly posted 3/10/2018 17:14 PM

steadychevy - Thanks for replying. I thought that it was normal but WH doesn't feel like it is. Sometimes I think that he doesn't feel all that bad about it because he thinks I treated him so poorly prior to. He has told me that I neglected him and didn't pay attention to him and although it's not as "bad" as what he did, it's pretty bad. So that isn't really all that helpful, especially he never brought those issues up with me beforehand.

Anyways, I don't really believe all that he tells me and logic tells me that it doesn't make sense. So that prompts me to ask questions over and over again. So does that make it irrelevant to ask the questions because I don't really believe that he's saying?

I don't know what I'm doing to be honest.

destroyed1 posted 3/10/2018 17:14 PM


Have your H read this

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

marji posted 3/10/2018 17:32 PM

Prickly you stop asking when you feel like stopping. It's his job to answer patiently, honestly, fully when you ask, whenever you ask, and whatever you ask if he is sincere in wanting to help heal the enormous damage he has caused; if he wants to help you heal, if he wants to change into a sincerely loving and trustworthy person.

There's lots to read about betrayal. There is much material here in the Healing Library; there are many good books available just a click away about betrayal and how the betrayer can behave if he/she wants any possibility of a relationship after the violation. Has your H devoted himself to that type of project? Is your H working his butt off to become a decent person? Is he working with a good IC? Is he in any support/accountability groups?

He's frustrated? He's tired of being? questioned? The cheater's cheating is all about them, their feelings, their wants, their needs, their desires. If they are sincere in wanting to make a new M then here's the opportunity--someone should be telling your H what to do, how to behave. Your MC seems very inexperienced in betrayal trauma. I would suggest you find a new one--someone that can work hard to set your H on a new path.

[This message edited by marji at 5:33 PM, March 10th (Saturday)]

steadychevy posted 3/10/2018 18:20 PM

Has your WH read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. McDonald? Short book, easy read to re-read and commit to memory.

My WW frequently said I turned her words against her. Basically what she told me didn't line up with something else she had told me but that was confusing to her.

It sounds like your WH is justifying. Any kind of statement like "what I did was wrong BUT ..." isn't remorse. That's blameshifting. All marriages have issues and ebbs and flows. They don't justify adultery. What happens the next time there seems to be an ebb in the marriage?

It also sounds like marriage re-writing to me. Marriage re-writing is usually based on some truth but blown out of proportion. Mountains out of mole hills. It's part of justification. Like - I can't be so bad because I was in a tough spot in my marriage. Especially, as you said Prickly, those issues were not brought to your attention beforehand.

I wish you the best for your recovery. If you want that to be with your WH make sure it's true reconciliation and he is truly remorseful and don't rugsweep to quit frustrating him.

The1stWife posted 3/10/2018 19:04 PM

I understand how you feel. My H said he didnít love her. But yet he was dumping me to be with her and he only knew he 6 months.

Makes no sense.

Illogical - you are leaving your W and kids for someone you donít love? But I saw an email where he wrote ILY to the OW.

He told her (in emails that I saw) that he was leaving me.

None of it makes sense. Trust me - the A is illogical. And the CS lies to everyone - the AP, the BS and themselves.

So please do not beat yourself up for trying to get answers. Just donít expect them to make sense.

Hopeful30 posted 3/10/2018 19:48 PM

Find another MC, someone who is experienced in trauma recovery from his affair. It is a 2 to 5 year, sometimes more, recovery. Having a MC who is sabotaging your recovery is not something that you need. You need someone on your side. Right now itís 2 against 1.

Rogue0719 posted 3/10/2018 19:58 PM

I have felt like at times my BH is trying to catch me in a lie by asking the same thing over and over. It took me a while to ďgetĒ Whatís really going on, itís the depth of the pain the lies caused. he may not be getting or seeing that yet? Untangling the lies that Iíve told myself and others is all consuming, especially when you really start to see what youíve done. My BH gets to ask as many times as he wants until heís done asking, itís the very LEAST I can do as a step forward for us. I hope your WS can see what being frustrated/ defensive does to you and realizes that even repeat questions are genuine.

PeriodicZen posted 3/11/2018 03:40 AM

I ask questions because I have to make my spouse make sense for me again.

The crazy behavior that surrounded the A is not how knew the person that I married. And, in a very real sense, some of the answers I got didn't feel right.

So I kept asking, and asking, until some of that doubt started dissipating, and making sense.

If it doesn't feel right, it is not right: trust your instinct!

And fire the MC: you ask until like there is no tomorrow, because right now all you have is this moment: you can't believe until they make sense and your internal map of them and the relationship start making sense.

Prickly posted 3/11/2018 10:07 AM

Marji- he is in IC. The frustration from him comes when he thinks I donít recognize his efforts or tell him heís not trying. We go to MC sporadically but she is trained in EFT and Iíve read that itís the most validated approach to couples therapy for attachment wounds. We do like her. Maybe Iím just not in he right place for MC?

Steadychevy- he has read ďhow to help...Ē . I think he has his own hurts from our pre-A issues that bubbles up. Thanks for the well wishes in this long journey.

1stwife- I guess Iím still trying to apply logic to an illogical thing and itís hard to wrap my head around.

Hopeful- she seems to have a lot of experience in infidelity. But MC is all about trying to save the marriage vs. Dealing with individual issues within the marriage. So maybe thatís whatís happening.

Rogue- I appreciate your input as a WS. He does answe all my questions but gets frustrated at the repetition especially if itís within the same sitting. Maybe I need to evaluate whether my need for the questions is needed anymore since I know everything.

Periodic- I guess do the details matter anymore? I grapple with this too and an incessant need to know. But also in a way that makes sense and it never will.

Thanks for the validation everyone. I do feel crazy most days if not everyday.


oldtruck posted 3/11/2018 10:49 AM

prickly, it has been seven months since D day.
I assume there is nothing that you have asked
your WH.

Now, for recovery to happen you both need to spend
quality time reconnecting. If you are having the
Spanish Inquisition every night healing can not
happen.

So being you are seven months out from D day you
need to limit how much you talk about the affair
with your WH.

Say every Wednesday you go out for a cup of coffee
and have a drive for an hour and talk about the
affair.

If things are that raw then you do this twice a
week. Every Tuesday and Thursday.

moralhighground posted 3/11/2018 11:10 AM

Trying to set limits on how many questions you can ask is just going to lead to YOU being frustrated.

You donít have to believe him, that what heís saying is true. Keep reading on SI and read wayward stories, or affair books like Not Just Friends. Seeing other examples of people behaving like or unlike your spouse will help you process the completely illogical actions he was taking.

For what itís worth, my WH says that the feelings expressed to his AP were real feelings but that he also had to talk himself into them. Communicating with her about how special and fantastic their relationship was made him think it was. Being with his family made him feel guilty so the answer was just to avoid us, not to end the affair.

The AP is NOT on your side and thatís why, while itís important to have her story, you canít always base your conclusions on what she says. Youíre gathering all your information and drawing conclusions, but itís normal to want to review it. Just try not to neglect other important things in your life, like friends and family and self care.

If you are really just regurgitating the exact same questions, try telling him the answers he gave you in your own words so he can confirm them, or get together and write down his answers so you can look over them as many times as you want.

Be kind to yourself.

sisoon posted 3/11/2018 12:10 PM

I have felt like at times my BH is trying to catch me in a lie by asking the same thing over and over.

That was part of it for me, at first. I rephrased my questions in ways that would catch inconsistencies. The one time I thought I caught her - and was devastated by catching her - she made me take out the timeline to see she was, in fact, not TT'ing me.

I wonder if your H's non-verbal communications match his words. Do they?
***************************************

The endless questions and answers never gave me what I thought I wanted - understanding why she cheated - but it had tremendous benefits, such as ...

each honest answer built trust...
each honest answer helped her take responsibility for her A...
each honest answer showed me she was taking responsibility for her a...
etc., etc., etc..
************************************

A few months ago, I actually asked a question I had never asked before. Note that I was more than 7 years out....
********************************

In my 2nd year, before asking a question, I started asking myself things like:

Do I know the answer to this Q?

What's the positive outcome of asking this Q?

If I knew the answer, or if I couldn't think of a positive outcome, I didn't ask.

Maybe you're ready for that - but I sure wasn't at 7 months out.

At 7 months, he should be open to, 'That doesn't make sense.' He shouldn't be defensive now ... you ask, he answers truthfully. IMO, he should be able to say something like, 'My thought process was .... I know that doesn't make sense now, but it did then.'

If your gut says he's holding back, your gut is probably right. I don;t really understand attachment theory, but I cannot imagine how any therapy - EFT, Gestalt, TA, CBT, Primal Scream, psychoanalysis, whatever - works when the client/patient isn't coming clean.

marji posted 3/11/2018 19:00 PM

Marji- he is in IC. The frustration from him comes when he thinks I donít recognize his efforts or tell him heís not trying.

Yes, I understand but his taking responsibility, his work at becoming a responsible and mature and trustworthy individual means he learns to think more about you and your feelings than his own. The husbands who betrayed us thought only about themselves--now is the time for them to change. It's not about our making them feel better -it's not our job to recognize their efforts or praise them for trying--that's what we do with our children.

The IC who works with a betrayer, should be helping him get over himself, his self-pity. It's not easy. Their self-pity, their self centeredness enabled their violation--key to never doing such a thing again, key to integrity must involve their becoming unselfish.

And again, re the questions-They should regard each question as an opportunity to show their desire to change, to be honest, to be communicative. There's really no place for the impatience and "frustration."

Prickly posted 3/11/2018 22:32 PM

oldtruck - I do see what you are saying. I have a friend who is a MH and wanted to work on R and is now going through a D and she told me that I would have to decide what is best for the M. So I have to think about those questions and whether or not it'll be what's best for the M.

moralhighground-I'm do take what she is saying with a grain of salt. WH is adamant that they never discussed anything about what "they" were let alone a future together. He says that all he wanted was someone who paid attention to him and would talk to him. Something he thought he didn't have with me anymore and didn't talk to me about. I have been reading over on the wayward side and have read "not just friends" and can see the same patterns. It's just difficult to wrap my head about it all though. I'm not wired that way. We might have to sit down and write down all the questions and answers so that when I have a repeat question I can look to those instead of asking.

Sisoon- I never thought that I was asking questions to catch him in a lie. It was more to try to understand. But I doubt I will ever understand. Eventually I realized that I thought I would get some reassurance from him after asking questions but that didn't happen either. It seems to me that his non-verbals match what he is say. I may have to start asking myself those questions and think about what the benefit of asking those questions are. I'm not sure if it's my gut or my brain screaming at me because nothing makes sense. There were so many other options other than having an A - that's where my mind goes. I guess I have to make a decision about whether or not to believe what he is saying.

marji - He is trying to work on himself. To be honest, I've never really seen him as a selfish person until now. I don't think he expects me to acknowledge or praise him for things that he's doing but he gets angry when I tell him that he's not trying. He says before this happened he says he was doing everything to make me happy and lost sight of his own happiness or never knew how to make himself happy. So there's some work to be done there. The questions always lead us down a path into a fight, I ask a question, he answers, I question his answer, he gets frustrated that I either don't believe him or I say it doesn't make sense...and round and round it goes. So is it me? Do I just need to stop asking?

Thank you all for reading and responding.

steadychevy posted 3/12/2018 07:02 AM

So is it me? Do I just need to stop asking?

You asked these questions in your last post, Prickly. Read all of the posts from others above your last one. All of them, every one of them say the same thing. You ask until you don't need to anymore. Although on a much less frequent basis questions can occur for many, many years.

It doesn't matter if they bother the WH. If he truly wanted to R and not for you to just get over it already he would answer the questions to the best of his ability with compassion and empathy. It appears to me he wants to rug sweep. You rug sweep to your own peril.

I ask again, has your WH read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" By Linda J. McDonald. I strongly suggest he does. If he has read it he needs to read it again.

What happens in the aftermath of DDay is very important. Actions speak louder than words.

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