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One of the rare sad side effects

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Snapdragon posted 3/10/2018 19:56 PM

I've been divorced for a long time now. In the beginning, one of the things that really hurt was that when something really nice happened I had no one to come home to and share it with. (bad grammar!)

Over time, that sad feeling reduced. Life just went along and I enjoyed those good moments on my own. My pets always enjoy a good story, anyway.

But today I received a compliment that was so meaningful and heartfelt that it impacted my day in a big way.

I just tucked it into my heart. I had no one with whom to share it with that wouldn't think I was bragging or trying to make an impression. No one that would understand the true appreciation I had for the compliment *as a human*.

But, to be honest, my ex-husband would have found a way to make it "less than". He was rather competitive and wanted to be sure I was always less than him. So, I don't know what to do with this happy feeling. So, I'm dumping it out on you all. Sorry.

Most of the time I'm so happy to live alone and have an independent life. Then a "moment" happens and I'm sad I don't have a true partner.

Notfromhere posted 3/10/2018 20:17 PM

Would you maybe share the compliment with us? I know I would love to hear it!!

Snapdragon posted 3/10/2018 20:31 PM

Ugh... it seems so self serving. But, ok.

I was told today that I was a really great person.

One of the moms at my volunteer job gave me the compliment.

ETA: The greatest compliment you could ever give me is that I am a good person! I don't care if you think I am pretty. I don't care if you like my house, clothes, car, or anything like that. The fact that she told me that she had thought of me that week and wanted to tell me her thoughts... priceless.

ETA again: I'm not trying to get kudos. I'm talking about the concept of not having someone you love, that supports you, with which you can share your special moments.

[This message edited by Snapdragon at 10:56 PM, March 10th (Saturday)]

I.will.survive posted 3/11/2018 08:51 AM

I hear what you are saying, Snapdragon! It sounds like the mom at your volunteer job really SEES you. She didn't compliment something superficial, she complimented you as a human being.

That's awesome! And of course you would like to share that with someone special.

And my guess is since you are a good person, you will attract a good person.

minusone posted 3/11/2018 09:00 AM

Thank you for sharing (((SD)))) What a wonderful thing to hear.

josiep posted 3/11/2018 09:04 AM

In a similar vein, when my flight landed back here the other day, everyone was pulling out their phones and texting people.

It hit me like a ton of bricks, no one was waiting for me. I had no one to check in with (other than the parking lot to send the shuttle to pick me up).

So I do understand. And then, to make it worse, my first instinct was to tell him how I felt, to share it with him. Until I remembered.

I cried for the whole 2 hour drive home. I'd had a wonderful trip, lots of fun and great times so I was absolutely gobsmacked at my reaction to coming home.

So, unfortunately, many of us understand completely that empty space we now have but fortunately, we have each other and I thank you so much for sharing. It helped remind me that I'm not alone in this.

Simplicity posted 3/11/2018 09:50 AM

I understand on some level, as well. I don't mind and sometimes enjoy my time alone, but I do feel lonely, and when I do, that bothers me a lot.

shakentocore posted 3/11/2018 10:42 AM

I was told today that I was a really great person.

One of the moms at my volunteer job gave me the compliment.

What a great thing to hear, and Iím sure it was well- deserved!

SuperDaddy1027 posted 3/11/2018 11:43 AM

What a great compliment. And I know it is well deserved SnapDragon.

I've had random strangers come up to me when I'm out with the kids and say "I can tell you're a fantastic Father"

I usually ask if I can give them a hug but those words are the best compliment I could ever receive. During my entire marriage I was told I was a shitty Dad and parenting all wrong. One can only hear that for so long before they start to believe it......regardless of how crazy it sounds. But for a complete stranger to go out of their way and tell me....I must be doing something right. And as most of us here.....all I want is to be a good Dad (parent).

Snapdragon......I'm sorry you don't have anyone to share your compliment with, but be proud! Be proud that you had that lasting effect on someone. You ARE a good person!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 11:44 AM, March 11th (Sunday)]

waiting2see posted 3/11/2018 15:39 PM

I felt this way for a long time. Part of it was my co dependent thinking that if XWS wasn't around to hear what I had to tell and validate it, it wasn't meaningful. Now I provide my own meaning.

It also helped to remember all those times I was anxious to tell him something but he wasn't around or answering his phone because he was busy with OW. Hugs.

[This message edited by waiting2see at 3:39 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]

Snapdragon posted 3/12/2018 09:30 AM

Thank you all for listening to me and not thinking that I was just bragging! I do have friends and family that are wonderful and listen to anything I wish to talk about. It's just not the same.

I'm back to "normal" now. Happy with my life and providing my own meaning.

smokenfire posted 3/12/2018 12:44 PM

People who are not single imagine the worst would be going through bad things alone. It is not - it s exactly what you said. Having someone to share happy with. Happy is always better shared.

Something you can do that I have done is if I got a compliment that floored me and changed my day, I pass it on to strangers in a meaningful well. I often tell women on the street they are wearing a lovely outfit or their scarf is awesome. Whatever strikes me.

I get to share my happy and make the world a tad nicer place.

Barnabas17 posted 3/12/2018 14:38 PM

This could have been my post. It sounds like my past and my current journey. Even the competitiveness in the marriage. I very much love being alone (at times). I'm so glad you shared this story with us and I'm glad that the woman noticed you. "Life" is super, so-called busy and moving at a rapid speed and yet, she stopped and encouraged you in a major way without even realizing it. Simple acts like this does absolutely wonders to the heart. I feel such warmth from you. Thanks again! XO

Brentwood posted 3/12/2018 15:11 PM

My handís up too, so thanks for posting this topic. And thanks for posting that you feel better today. Itís a wave I ride all the time too so it really does help to know Iím not alone riding my emotional surfboard.

The bit about the ďless thanĒ remark really struck a nerve that I donít miss feeling anymore My ex would minimize my accomplishment to my face, then brag about me when with friends and family. Talk about a mindfuck at the time. Not any more, as I can finally see him for who he was.

Iím glad you shared your happy compliment here. I propose we all make a pact to do the same...come here to share anything and everything every time we get a compliment or accolade. Itís so easy for all of us to come here and cry, vent, be angry and sad, share negative feelings, but yet we rarely feel comfortable enough to ďbragĒ about our very-deserved selves. A sad side effect for sure. Letís change that and follow Snapdragonís lead by sharing happy news with each other.

northeasternarea posted 3/12/2018 15:52 PM

That's a great compliment. And it is good to know that your efforts are appreciated.

Lawyerman posted 3/13/2018 06:06 AM

Funny one this. It was my IC who finally said after many, many sessions that she thought I was a charming and moral person, generous and kind and other stuff. I cried and thought 'yes I bloody am'. How many men out there would lay down their life for you? Be loyal to you forever on one promise? Be kind and thoughtful and never hurt you? Protect you from the harsh world and support you through difficult times? Be a great Dad to your children?

I realised on that day that I needed to D. My WW never really said those things. In fact, subtly the opposite. It was emotional abuse. She would tell me that the sex was great or that I turned her on or whatever but all the rest was just putting me down in little ways all the time. I have gone from this fine man to a shambling wreck who sneaks around all the time so I can avoid the next telling off. NO MORE. That guy is coming back and she ain't going to use his strength to support her problems which she refuses to deal with. NO MORE.

I cannot wait to be free of this and start to find that guy again.

WhatsRight posted 3/13/2018 12:59 PM

I'm with you.

The shallow stuff might be nice...

But to be "a good person" is the best!

I'm sure you deserve it.

I'm sorry you don't hear it more often..

lizgwvet posted 3/13/2018 14:30 PM

Nice post and I can relate, enjoy the compliment!

hopeandnohope posted 3/14/2018 22:37 PM

Great post snapdragon. A lesson in how important it is to express positive observances out loud...it just might make someone's day!

ADryHeat posted 3/14/2018 22:48 PM

Aww, what a sweet thing for her to recognize in you and call to your attention. ❤️

I had a similar moment recently when I received an award at work. I shared with friends, but really wished I had a special person to take to my award reception with me.

The bit about the ďless thanĒ remark really struck a nerve that I donít miss feeling anymore My ex would minimize my accomplishment to my face, then brag about me when with friends and family. Talk about a mindfuck at the time. Not any more, as I can finally see him for who he was.

Same with my ex. And it was because it made HIM look better to brag about ME. Sick.

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