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Coworker attraction - too much drama?

IGB2017 posted 3/11/2018 15:22 PM

Hi everyone. I really appreciate this forum's advice that I have received in the past, so hopefully you can once again steer me in the right direction.

After splitting with my ex-wayward long term girlfriend about 6 months ago, I have been feeling ready to start dating again.

There is a coworker at my new job who I think is attracted to me. I have been getting a vibe for a while that she seems shyer around me, and also a few more overt signs such as touching my arm/shoulder a couple of times, smiling at me when speaking and locking eyes when walking towards each other yet struggling to maintain eye contact for too long, complimenting my intelligence, asking a lot of questions about me.

Maybe she's just being friendly or is nervous around new people she doesn't know very well, but I sense some attraction.

We work in the same office but not directly together. For one, this is already a risky situation. Not because of any work-related rules, just because it could make things awkward.

Apart from this, and despite being attracted to her physically, I am seeing aspects of her personality that remind me of my ex-girlfriend. This coworker is a bit attention seeking and socially awkward. She is constantly making jokes and being a bit crude, which could mean she is very confident and relaxed, but I see it more as some immaturity. She also seems to be a bit dramatic, talks about guys quite a lot, and is frequently discussing with her friends about their own love lives.

At other times, I find myself really interested/respecting her personality. I wonder if it's just her social-awkwardness.

My ex had low self-esteem and, as I was to find out, seemed to be in love with the teenage butterflies/sparks feeling (to the point of reminiscing about her school crushes). She had poor impulse control in other areas of life, seemed to enjoy validation, steered conversations towards her bordering on boasting about her achievements. At the same time, she could also be a very caring and empathetic person.

I am unsure whether the coworker is actually seeing anyone. I have seen her walking to work with a guy once, but that could be anyone and when we walked past each other, her eyes were locked on mine and she looked almost worried/anxious when I looked at her before smiling at me. Of course, if she does have a boyfriend, nothing would be happening, and if she has been flirting with me at times, it would be an immediate turn-off for me.

This is the first person in a while who I feel has shown interest in me, so I am a bit surprised I guess. Some may say I am feeding off the ego kibbles! My plan at the moment is just to keep it friendly and relaxed with this girl from work, get to know her among our shared social circle and if something develops later on, fine.

What does everyone else think? Are these aspects of her behaviour red flags?

Phoenix1 posted 3/11/2018 15:38 PM

I have a personal rule of no workplace romance. There are too many possible problems that could occur, and if it ends badly it could get really ugly. YMMV

lieshurt posted 3/12/2018 07:40 AM

Apart from this, and despite being attracted to her physically, I am seeing aspects of her personality that remind me of my ex-girlfriend. This coworker is a bit attention seeking and socially awkward. She is constantly making jokes and being a bit crude, which could mean she is very confident and relaxed, but I see it more as some immaturity. She also seems to be a bit dramatic, talks about guys quite a lot, and is frequently discussing with her friends about their own love lives.

I feel the same way as Phoenix.

Also, just based on what you said above I wouldn't even consider dating this woman.

GabyBaby posted 3/12/2018 07:45 AM

I also have that same rule as Phoenix.
Never shit where you eat.

devotedman posted 3/12/2018 08:05 AM

Dating from your workplace is the kind of thing that can get messy and when it does it usually gets messy, fast.

For instance, what if you really fall for her, she breaks it off, and then she starts seeing one of your best friends at work? I've seen this happen only there were two marriages in there for her, one to the first guy and then a second to his best friend at work. The second marriage ultimately failed, too. Then she left the company and went on her merry way.

I've also seen workplace marriages that seem to be working. The thing is, none of the women involved act like your description of your potential interest.

I think that you'd be better off giving this one a miss.

Superesse posted 3/12/2018 09:02 AM

You describe her behavior well, complete with red flags waving. I would start with unlocking the eyes; carry something to look at, when she stares at you. Stand further apart, etc. so she has to keep her hands to herself.

And Google “histrionic personality” to check out the way they operate. That will give you some answers.

Snapdragon posted 3/12/2018 09:17 AM

Like Phoenix, I have a strong "no dating at work" policy. I also don't date people in my neighborhood. It's just too messy. It makes everyone else uncomfortable, etc.

She is constantly making jokes and being a bit crude

Wait for a lady. They are worth it and don't embarrass you.

EvenKeel posted 3/12/2018 09:33 AM

You listed enough reasons for NOT dating her even without the office environment dynamic. I would keep this a work friendship only.

This is the first person in a while who I feel has shown interest in me
I think this is the real key here. Upon a break-up, we seek validation. While this girl seems to have many flaws that should make her undate'able to you, the validation to your esteem is drawn towards her.

It is natural, but that does not mean you should act on it. That is part of recovery, finding a good, healthy partner....versus being drawn towards someone just because they could validate that you.

Another vote for - don't do it

GoingCrazyNow posted 3/12/2018 11:46 AM

When I was 21 I dated the receptionist from my work, she was 30. That was some of the best tail I've ever had. With that being said, once I broke it off - things got awkward REAL quick. I wound up leaving that business because of it. I have since had a strict policy that I don't screw people from work anymore.

What could possibly go wrong?

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