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Hes being nice

plew1218 posted 3/12/2018 11:43 AM

Its taken my WH quite some time to show remorse. Like 6 months time.

It kinda started about a month ago. I could feel the sincerity in his voice when he would hold me and say I love you.

Yesterday was a tough day for me and I just stepped back and was quiet. He could sense it and asked if Im ok.

Then while we tucked in our DS, he told us that we were his world.

And today, he told me Im beautiful.

So why do I still feel so terrible?!
Is he being this way because its true remorse or is he hiding something? Four months ago I would have paid to have this and now that I do, it still doesnt make sense.

plew1218 posted 3/12/2018 11:46 AM

Either way, we are getting somewhere I suppose.

If its true remorse than maybe we can work on R.

If its the other, I can just move on knowing I did my best.

I just hope for the best though.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 3/12/2018 13:30 PM

TIME . Time will tell you if he is being sincere or not. If he does something you like...let him know. Let him know when he doesn't also . IF he really wants to HELP you HEAL...you will see effort. Encourage him also...allow him to RISE up to your expectations . Lastly...ACTIONS over WORDS...always. Words matter...but if the actions don't follow through...the words are hollow.

Then while we tucked in our DS, he told us that we were his world.
And today, he told me Im beautiful.

THIS^^^made me smile .

luvmykids posted 3/12/2018 14:12 PM

I don't think he is hiding anything but maybe he has come out of the fog and is showing remorse, love and gratitude for you still being there.

I also understand why you are feeling terrible about it. You are still probably angry and hurt not only about the A but how he treated you during and after the A telling you he wasn't in love with you and wasn't sure he wanted to stay in the marriage. You still remember how that made you feel and may wonder if he is really going to stay in the marriage so your wall may be up.

I went through something similar where my WH went from cold, distant and sometimes mean to loving and complimentary but I was still angry hurt and my wall was up so it didn't make me feel any better. I couldn't switch my feelings that quickly.

plew1218 posted 3/13/2018 08:48 AM

Its just so hard to decipher that "gut feeling" from paranoia these days.

Its so hard to let the walls down and be even more vulnerable again.

My biggest fear is false R. Maybe because I just dont understand it? Why would a WS stay and give false hope? That to me is even more cruel than the cheating.

Im just going to wait and observe. The one thing Ive learned from infidelity so far is patience.

onlytime posted 3/13/2018 10:32 AM

Holding you, saying he loves you, saying you're beautiful, and that you and your son are his whole world are nice, but those things are NOT remorse.

What else is he doing besides being nice? Is he in IC or reading books? Is he doing any introspection and becoming more self-aware? Has he developed humility and accepted full responsibility for his actions? Has he been digging into his whys/hows? What has he done to address his issues so far? How does he respond to you now when you talk about the A - is he consistently honest, forthcoming and patient rather than defensive and angry? Does he understand and validate your pain? Does he show empathy and compassion when you are crying and hurting and does he make heartfelt apologies in those moments?

plew1218 posted 3/13/2018 10:43 AM

What else is he doing besides being nice? Is he in IC or reading books? Is he doing any introspection and becoming more self-aware? Has he developed humility and accepted full responsibility for his actions? Has he been digging into his whys/hows? What has he done to address his issues so far? How does he respond to you now when you talk about the A - is he consistently honest, forthcoming and patient rather than defensive and angry? Does he understand and validate your pain? Does he show empathy and compassion when you are crying and hurting and does he make heartfelt apologies in those moments?

He is honest. And forthcoming. And goes out of his way to tell me where he is and where he will be without me even needing to ask.

Gives me his phone with no hesitation and there is no lock on it.

He is showing empathy. That took awhile to go from "omg why are we still talking about this" to "im here let me help you"

And today after I needed reassurance he told me he understood why and that he would go out of his way to give me more.

So yes he is much different than 6 months ago. The defensiveness is gone. The empathy is there.

plew1218 posted 3/13/2018 10:48 AM

Its been a really long road. REALLY LONG. The past six months were some of the darkest moments in my life and at times I knew that walking away would have been my easier option. And that is still an option.

But this change is different. And Im for the first time in 6 months, Im really hopeful. Thats the scariest part.

Today, I told him those were my fears. That Im finally at this place in which I feel hope and Im afraid of being hurt. He said he understood.

I told him "I just want you to be 100% sure this is what you want with all you heart for all the right reasons"

To which he replied "it 100% is"

Six months ago he would have been defensive and said "Im here arent I?"

onlytime posted 3/13/2018 14:37 PM

I noticed you didn't answer these questions, which are honestly the most important aspects when it comes to determining whether someone is genuinely remorseful or not.

So is he doing these things as well?

Is he in IC or reading books? Is he doing any introspection and becoming more self-aware? Has he developed humility and accepted full responsibility for his actions? Has he been digging into his whys/hows? What has he done to address his issues so far?

Chaos posted 3/13/2018 19:47 PM

It took my WH about 6 months to come out of the fog. It sounds like maybe that's what's happening. And he's feeling the enormity of the situation. And started to realize what he almost lost - and the reality that he could still lose it. He's starting to really understand the delicate balance of his family is in your hands.

You still feel terrible because a terrible thing happened. And it shattered any reality you knew and shook you to the core. I never fully understood PTSD until I became a BS. Now, I wonder if I'll ever be anything other than a shell of my former self. That shell will be an awesome goddess unicorn - but still a shell of my former self.

Forgive yourself for feeling this way. These days it seems WH and I are on opposite ends of the roller coaster. When I am having up days, he is having down ones. Occasionally we meet in the middle and that's where we make the most progress. We respect each other's ups and downs. It has helped since we've just started telling each other we're having a rough time of it.

(((plew1218)))

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