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She Finally Admitted To It...

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woundedbear posted 3/15/2018 14:39 PM

Booyah and Western, men talk shit all the time. You called it behavior, I call it talking shit. If there was an actual plan or plot, that is another story. It sounds from what Lawman wrote, that it was the machinations of a slimy toxic guy who is very broken, not a dangerous man lawman should be scared of. (evidenced by the slimy bastard calling the cops after getting a legally worded text)

My point is that you stick to the important stuff. What was said between two broken people in the fog of an affair is relevant, but should not always be taken at face value unless it turned into action. He did not try to kill Lawman, she did not get that bizarre tattoo. What she did do was take her affair deeper underground when Lawman became suspicious. It sounds like for Lawman that is not a deal breaker necessarily. Time will tell. It likely would be for me, but each person has to make up their own mind.

sandylee posted 3/15/2018 15:32 PM

He did not try to kill Lawman

We don't know that for sure. All we know is thst he wasn't successful.

If you've ever watched Deadly affairs...you'll know that a number of attempts are often made before the plan is executed.

She was not repulsed by the fact that he wanted you dead..or to impregnate her and cuckold you into raising his child.

I remember she berated you calling you horrible and creepy when you found out...and she had you apologising.

I also recall her saying even if you found out you wouldn't divorce her..because you loved her too much.

There's really nothing she can do that you'd consider a dealbreaker is there.

Please watch your back. Be alert, check your car. Don't get lured anywhere by unfamiliar clients.

I'd also be VERY careful and weary of your wife. She doesn't love you one bit or she's never have stuck around while he wanted you dead.

What do you really imagine she responded when said that?

The next guy won't be an asshole.. then what happens.

Booyah posted 3/15/2018 22:04 PM

Very insightful Sandylee:

"She was not repulsed by the fact that he wanted you dead...or to impregnate her and cuckold you into raising his child".

"I remember she berated you calling you horrible and creepy when you found out....and she had you apologising".

"I also recall her saying even if you found out you wouldn't divorce her....because you loved her too much".

Choose wisely lawman.

CincyKid posted 3/15/2018 22:38 PM

But, he "reasons" for breaking off the affair was because "I realized he's an asshole!" Oh, so that's great? Nothing about how she may have remembered that she's a MARRIED woman....nothing about how she still "loves" me, nothing about how she still cares about me....only because she "realized" he's an asshole, she said.

I was rooting for reconciliation until I read this. My friend, this is everything you need to know. She doesn't love or respect you anymore. I hate to say this but your marriage with her is over. If this guy wasn't an asshole she'd be long gone. You are plan B. An interim solution until she finds a new plan A. Anything she's telling you to the contrary is to manipulate you into being her plan B so she can get back to the business of finding a new plan A.

Divorce isn't the worst thing in the world. I thought it was the end of my life but here I am today with my ex's betrayal long behind me and married to a woman I love more than life itself.

As pro-reconciliation as I am my opinion on your situation is that you need to move on. Good luck my friend, I know this sucks.

tigerlily1 posted 3/16/2018 00:29 AM

Hi Lawman,

I was wished dead by my EXH. According to his AP, whilst I was in hospital recovering from a major operation. They spent the night at a hotel, and he said that "if I were to die it would be end of their problems".

I didn't believe AP at the time and thought she had made it up, and was hoping that I would throw him out. She was furious that he had thrown her "under the bus" on D-day. AP said she was disgusted, and told him so.

Lots of lies, T-Ts, false reconciliations, taking the A further underground, on both their parts.

Now I look back - now I know the "real him", it is the type of thing he would have said to AP, to boost her ego, to make her seem more important than me. Feeding their fantasy.

So yes, I believe he said it. He has always denied saying it, but - EXH is an incredible liar.

Make sure you take care of yourself, mentally and physically - eat, sleep, drink, exercise. Don't make hasty decisions

Wishing you well

TL

RippedSoul posted 3/16/2018 01:57 AM

Lawman, as a fellow Mormon, temple sealed, I feel your agony, yet I can’t even pretend to solve this for you. In my situation, even before his affair, my SAWH (after 22 years of a mostly happy marriage and 4 children) had told me he was an atheist.

While reeling from that, I failed to pick up on other signs. Actually, I picked up on them, but I failed to interpret them correctly. Anyway, I—like you—was initially desperate to save my M and to keep my children from a broken home. The night my two youngest were having b-day interviews with the Bishop, I sat in the car with one at a time, listening to my youngest cry while asking me why I had ever married his dad. Mind you, they knew nothing about the A; they only knew how I (and they) were being treated at home.

It had been six months of torture for all of us and it was time to reconsider saving the M. If it wasn’t a happy home, then what was I sacrificing my pride for? I’d do anything for my children, but I was no longer sure that staying married was the answer.

Days later, after we returned home from a restaurant meal for one of our birthday boys, my WH asked if we could “talk.” What a horrifying question! He handed me a box of tissues as I sat down in our room, and then he confessed to everything. He’d already done some initial research about how to try and reconcile. A good friend had told him to tell all, to allow me to cry, to answer questions, and to expect anger—among more advice I can’t remember.

But that monstrous night was the death of the alien my WH had been and the rebirth of the man he’d been most of our M. There were lots of struggles; there was still indecision on my part. Outwardly, I was all in to save my M; inwardly, I still questioned that decision. But I vowed to give it all I had AS LONG AS I WAS SAFE! I also went religiously to a non-Church-sponsored S-Anon group that was the perfect fit for me. Between that, my bff’s support, and my therapist (3 years of weekly therapy), I was able to heal, to strengthen myself, to return to the Temple (ironically, while I was worthy, I felt defiled by his actions), to divert small inheritance monies to a separate bank account, and to “get my ducks in a row”—basically, to prepare for worst case even though I was giving R a chance. I would never be caught flat-footed again.

So far, so good. Because—aside from the hellish 6 months—ours has been a happy home, our kids recovered far more quickly than I did (plus, they had the bonus of no D-Day). For them, every day in an intact home has been a blessing. Every time we sit together as a family, I’ve sent a quick thank you heavenward. When, together, we’ve watched our children excel, sent two on missions, traveled/vacationed as a family, married one off, I’ve felt incredibly grateful. My eyes are wide open. I will never trust him again. My naïveté no longer exists. Temple marriages can—and sometimes should—end.

Besides my children, here are some thoughts that contributed to my initial determination to remain married at all costs. As time passed, as the true betrayal costs were felt (not just the instinctive desire to save my M to a man I adored), some of these became more important; some less so:

I felt “mated for life” and sincerely believed being intimate with anyone else—ever—was out of the question.

I saw betrayal everywhere and no longer trusted anyone or anything. I lost faith in the fidelity of ALL men.

I truly believed my WH had loved me even during his A. He believed we’d grown apart; he believed we had little in common anymore. His was an exit affair. He felt starting over w/someone else, someone who knew from the beginning about his addiction, someone who had also left the Church, someone who spoke numbers like he did (not languages like I did), was bound to be more successful. He felt giving me a new chance to have an eternal marriage was the fair and right thing to do. He planned to get a job back in our home state (yours) and move us near family so I’d have a support system when he divorced me.

Basically, while much of that was typical betrayed and wayward thinking on our parts, it demonstrated to me that he did indeed love me as far as an addict is capable of loving someone else. It communicated his twisted concern and caring for me. It gave me hope that our marriage had the potential to be stronger.

Long story. Short message is that he never intended to be cruel and, in his own weird way, he tried to protect me. He lost sight of that at times while in the midst of his own worry and misery, but he never—for me—reached the point of no return or “no reconciliation.” It’s been rocky. It’s been rough. It’s also been rewarding. And if tomorrow were to bring another D-Day, I’d end us immediately while still being thankful for five extra years of “family.”

You have to make the decision that works for you, for your children, for your eternal family (mine will perhaps never again be forever—yours might still have a chance?), for your future. Your wounds, your scars, your lessons learned, your support system, your mind movies, your marriage length/quality, your personality-type—all may point to a completely different outcome. And it will be equally legit.

God bless! And hugs. RS

Stevesn posted 3/16/2018 09:36 AM

Hi Lawman

Just checking in to see how you are doing.

Listen, until she tells you that you are the love of her life and she can’t believe how much she hurt you than you really have nothing. Even if she does, you don’t have much.

I gotta tell you, your story makes me angry. She knew he was your good friend. She knew he was your boss. And yet she saw nothing wrong with lusting after him and for years letting him do whatever he wanted with her. And even beyond the sexual aspect of what she allowed, she let him into your marriage, making him as much a husband to her as you were, perhaps even more. That is just awful.

Hey, I am a pro-R guy, but there has to be something redeemable there in order to even try to R.

Lawman, you should have been the one she “lusted” after. You should have been the one to receive BJs in a parking lot. You should have been the one that got they quickie sex on the sly. But instead she gave that all to him, an awful man (how were you even friends with this loser?) who in the end didn’t care one bit about her. He admittedly only wanted to control her via “his seed”.

With that said, what I would do now is find your self respect and move on. You seem to have started to realize this. There are lots of women out there who would cherish you as a husband. Don’t waste any more time missing out on the potential of finding happiness. With her state of mind it will be very difficult to find it with her.

If it were me, I’d tell her something like “You have broken my heart with what you have done. You have given to him everything that you vowed to give to me and you did it without shame. The first day you flirted with him, and definitely the first time you let him inside you, you ended our marriage. And you did it without notifying me. You did it with making a fool of me, the person you vowed to love honor and cherish. So because you ended our marriage, I will be filing the paperwork to make it official. If afterward, you still are in love with me as you claim to be, you are welcome to start from scratch and show me what you will do to win me back. I am the prize now. I am making no promises. Frankly I don’t think you have it in you to even make a good effort. I fully expect you to end up back with that bottom feeder. But who knows, maybe you will surprise me. But it’s going to take a ton of work on your side, so if you are truly all in, then who knows, stranger things have happened. With that, I will speak to the lawyer this week and get moving on the process. It breaks my heart that it has come to this. I will be working on myself to recover from it. I suggest you do the same “

Then Lawman, leave it completely up to her. Don’t expect miracles. I think you need time to completely process the awfulness of what she has done. Take the time to work on yourself.

But I’m being honest when I say, you haven’t had a real marriage in years. Why pretend you do. End this one. If she’s really all in and wants to take the next 5 years to prove to you that she’s a different person, let her try. But make no promises of sticking around while she does.

Good luck my friend.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:44 AM, March 16th (Friday)]

SorrowfulMoon posted 3/16/2018 17:56 PM

On reflection I have to say I am with the posters who are normally in favour of reconciliation but who are advocating divorce.

I think that in certain instances the level of disrespect shown by the WS to the BS is so great and so horrifying that reconciliation is not an option in any circumstances.

The fact that she does not appeared to have loved you for some time just supports that conclusion.

william posted 3/17/2018 04:54 AM

With the ultimate consequence (divorce) off the table what consequences are there? Any?

Consequences are good. Being held accountable is a positive. Its part of a cycle (including reward) that teaches EVERY living person and animal proper behavior. Disagree? Feed your dog steak anytime he craps on the living room floor and see how long it takes for him to start crapping there multiple times a day.

It's how we raise kids, were molded ourselves into better people than we would gave been, etc. Its why we don't touch a hot stove again and again.:

So what consequences are there to her actions? Whats to stop 'next time'?

lawman1 posted 4/27/2018 15:52 PM

I know it has been a while since I posted here - but here is what is happening. She is so convincing - she is trying to make me feel that I "deserved" her cheating; that I have been such a horrible husband for the past 18 years that I have no room to be upset. She has said, "I've had to put up with 18 years of f***ing hell with you, and all you had to put up with is one year? You are so much worse than me...." ....and things like that. She calls me a "liar" and tells me that I'm an abusive husband....even though I have never nor would I ever even CONSIDER any violence against her. There were times during our arguments over the years where I verbally berated her, and of course there is absolutely no justification for that type of language no matter how angry we get at our spouses. In the past I have screamed at her, called her a b***c and other horrible choice words, of course I justified my behavior by pointing out in my mind that she was being very mean, constantly criticizing me, ripping me apart mentally, etc...but I do not want to act in "revenge" anymore. I don't yell at her anymore and I made a covenant to never raise my voice against her no matter what. She, however, still rips me apart, screams at me, calls me names, criticizes me - all right in front of the kids if she "catches" me taking kratom or if I just make her angry by not doing exactly what she says. I have recorded every single argument we have had over the past year (without her knowledge) and I have saved them to prove I have not yelled back at her. I guess at this point, I am focusing on work and my children - I love both. To people outside of our marriage looking in, I know the easy answer is "divorce" but I am sure we can all attest that on the inside, that answer isn't always so easy or obvious. She has redeeming qualities, yes. But let me ask....have any of you, being the spouse of a cheater, been in a situation the same as mine where the cheater rips you apart emotionally, blames you for her/his affair, tells you that you "deserve" to "feel the pain she/he has felt over the years..."? This is probably a dumb question, but I really need some open thoughts about those who have similar situations.

Kamstel posted 4/27/2018 16:02 PM

Why haven’t you filed for divorce yet?

Kamstel posted 4/27/2018 16:03 PM

What will it take her to do that will finally cause you to file?

twisted posted 4/27/2018 16:05 PM

But let me ask....have any of you, being the spouse of a cheater, been in a situation the same as mine where the cheater rips you apart emotionally, blames you for her/his affair, tells you that you "deserve" to "feel the pain she/he has felt over the years..."?

That would be a deal killer. She owns up to her actions, or what's the point?
What exactly are you trying to preserve, other than the kids? In that environment, you aren't doing them a favor.

trustedg posted 4/27/2018 16:14 PM

You know what needs to happen. You need to file for divorce (whether you go through with or not). See an attorney and protect yourself and your kids. Your WW is broken and sick, you can't help her. Having your children watch this is cruel to them.

notanotherchance posted 4/27/2018 16:20 PM

But let me ask....have any of you, being the spouse of a cheater, been in a situation the same as mine where the cheater rips you apart emotionally, blames you for her/his affair, tells you that you "deserve" to "feel the pain she/he has felt over the years..."?

Yep. All of the above. So i did what any self respecting man would do & divorced the bitch. Her & her boy toy from what I hear are blowing thru the D settlement at a rapid rate, I give her 2 more years max, fuck her.

bellamadre posted 4/27/2018 16:26 PM

Sending you hugs. I feel your pain. Have you spoken to your parents or siblings about what has happened. I will try to be gentle with my response. If you were my son and you came to me and told me this story...I would wipe the floor with your wife. You are worthy of love and loyalty. There are a billion people in this world and we are capable of loving more than one person. Look in the mirror, take a deep breath and say.... I am good person worthy of love and fidelity. The minute she f the other guy your marriage was over...vows broken. Your children will survive divorce. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong and love yourself more. Good luck.

Marz posted 4/27/2018 16:37 PM

You can't make a decision so you'll stay where you are.

Sorry but this is now on you.

Sounds like she is still in the affair as well.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:39 PM, April 27th (Friday)]

lawman1 posted 4/27/2018 16:40 PM

I truly appreciate all y'all's love and compassion toward me. I admit I have been manipulated to a point to where I think I don't deserve compassion. You're absolutely right - I need to stand tall and admit that I indeed have worth and am worthy of a beautiful, wonderful, trusting spouse that won't cheat. I'm not sure where I read this, but I once read that the worst "abuses" that one spouse can ever inflict on the other are as follows, in this order: 1) Having an affair, 2) physically harming or hitting, and 3) Verbally berating the other spouse. Note that an affair is WORSE than hitting.....well, my wife does ALL THREE to me. She has hit me twice in the past, recently just spit in my face (on my birthday last week no less) and she verbally rips me apart still. As for me, I haven't verbally yelled or berated her for a year now, nor will I ever again. I have immersed myself in work and in my children that right now I feel she's just an "angry roommate." You're right, I probably need to file....I need to wake up ASAP. Keep the advice coming....thank you.

Cooley2here posted 4/27/2018 16:43 PM

Please look up info about living with a narcissist. I don’t have the right to label her anything but as I wrote before there is something totally off with her. You write like you have Stockholm Syndrome. It comes from long term emotional abuse.

lawman1 posted 4/27/2018 16:52 PM

I completely agree - I am indeed married to a Narcissist - I know she is one. Nothing is her fault, she loves being the center of attention, she can do no wrong, and all other elements of a narcissist. I guess sometimes we wish that a person can truly change....but I AM waking up. It's just taking me a lot longer to do so.

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