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My Confession

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Hiram posted 3/13/2018 14:41 PM

[This message edited by Hiram at 8:06 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)]

gtflng posted 3/13/2018 14:47 PM

I don't see a stop sign here so..

As a newly BS- I say give your confession freely TO YOUR WIFE. You're right, she doesn't deserve the burden. You don't deserve to get the weight off your chest and crush her with it. But you also don't deserve a loving, caring, loyal wife if she doesn't get to CHOOSE to do that.. if she doesn't have all the information. She has a right to autonomy. She has the right to make a decision. She has a right to honesty. If you were worried about hurting her, you wouldn't have done it. Plain and simple. She didn't get a vote before you did it. I say she gets a vote now.

Hiram posted 3/13/2018 15:02 PM

[This message edited by Hiram at 8:07 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)]

gtflng posted 3/13/2018 15:08 PM

If you believe it's innocent enough and forgivable (not that you're downplaying it, just not sure how to word what I'm saying), then what's the risk in telling her?

If you think it's unforgivable, doesn't that mean she has all the more right to know?

If you bear this burden, won't she notice? Won't she feel a change? Won't she start to question why you're off?

It's a hard call. I wish I didn't know what I know. But you were able to cross a line that many people don't. Not that I wish any pain on your wife, but I think it should be openly addressed.

Just my two cents! Hopefully you get some more input.

psychmom posted 3/13/2018 15:20 PM

Is there any chance this OW could contact your wife at some point? If so, would you rather your wife hear this from you, or from the OW?

Only you know the answer to your question of whether you should tell your wife or not. What is your inner voice telling you? I know you're scared of how she may react. But you also know her and how she generally deals with tough situations. As a BS myself, I would rather hear something like this from my H, and have him fully involved and part of the devastation he may witness as the words sink in. How you respond to her, if you choose to tell her your secret, will be an important piece in this. You might do well to tell her why you are choosing to tell her this new, how you feel about what you did, and why she deserves to hear this news, since she might never find out otherwise.

Hiram posted 3/13/2018 15:21 PM

[This message edited by Hiram at 8:07 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)]

Hiram posted 3/13/2018 15:28 PM

[This message edited by Hiram at 8:07 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)]

tikismom posted 3/13/2018 15:29 PM


I am a BW. You sound like a really great man & I thank you for your service to our country. My brother is a fellow Marine.

This is a really tough call. The OW could potentially at any time come to your wife with all the messages, etc. She hasn't yet, so likely won't, but its something you would have to live in fear of for the rest of your life.

If you decide to tell her, I would be honest with her about everything, dont trickle truth. Also tell her how ashamed you feel and what you have done in the meantime to be a very safe partner for her.

Editing to add, this will likely cause her great heartache. She will look at the years since this happened & think it was all a scam since that moment in time.

[This message edited by tikismom at 3:31 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

sassylee posted 3/13/2018 15:55 PM

I am a BW. I also suffered greatly at discovering my H had an emotional affair. What would have made this easier? If my H had realized his folly and ended it on his own because he found me and our marriage too valuable to you did. Now - its 3 years later. And you find yourself on a website of anonymous strangers discussing this.

I believe you donít want to hurt your wife. Iím sure youíre thinking ďWhat she doesnít know wonít hurt her.Ē But it probably is hurting her. Itís hurting you...therefore its hurting both of you. This secret is weighing on you, or else you wouldnít be here asking. Itís secrets and lies that are probably impairing your connection with your wife. Lies and secrecy block intimacy.

Imagine sharing this with her...the way you discussed it with us. How do you think it would feel to share this with her. Iím sure thereís fear there - but is there anything else? By keeping this from her - you are depriving her and you from having the relationship you both deserve, one built on honesty and authenticity.

I would want to know. That why when i learned of my Hís EA, I proceeded to search for evidence of any previous affairs. Finding them would have hurt...but i was determined to learn the truth of my life.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:57 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

gtflng posted 3/13/2018 15:57 PM

I agree, Sassylee. Hiram, you ended it. The realization hit you. You realized the worth of your marriage and how much you value your wife. It's the best confession that can be given.

[This message edited by gtflng at 4:00 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

DevastatedDee posted 3/13/2018 15:58 PM

Hiram, you say the odds of her finding out are really low. She may not ever find out, that's true. It's a HUGE risk, though. I'll tell you what will happen if she does find out without you telling her. She will never believe that it wasn't physical. She will assume that you've been with other women no matter how many times you say not. She will wonder if you cheated throughout the marriage. When a spouse finds out on their own, I don't know if they ever truly believe that it was only the instance they found out about. Your odds of it being a complete dealbreaker are much higher if she finds out on her own. Your odds of her believing that you're being honest after she finds out on her own are right around zero.

I understand the reluctance to tell. I really do. Just understand the risk you're taking by not being honest with her.

devastated43 posted 3/13/2018 16:05 PM


I have a lot of respect for you because you have a conscience. If you tell your wife exactly what you said here she damn better appreciate your honesty. I cry as I write this: I wish my WW had the same courage as you before she f-ed up.

I believe the fact that it did not escalate to a PA and that you have really learned something in this process is HUGE. You got derailed and you steered that shit right back to where it should be going. That's what marriage is all about. We get tempted, but we fucking control that shit not the circumstances.

It is still betrayal in my book because it is a betrayal of trust. I cannot stress this enough that the strongest pillar in the center of marriage is trust. All other stuff is just ancillary and supportive. Marriage is only good when there are no secrets otherwise it's a fucking charade.

Hiram posted 3/13/2018 16:37 PM

[This message edited by Hiram at 8:08 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)]

Tren0R201 posted 3/13/2018 17:38 PM

because I came to the conclusion that I have no justification in assuaging my guilt, no entitlement to the absolution of that guilt, by laying it off on my wife

Ah the old "I'm doing my partner a favor by no telling them."

There you go. You win a medal of honor.

No seriously. How is this being authentic, and most importantly how is this treating your supposed love with they respect they deserve not only to decide their life but also the option of working together to build something stronger if they so choose?

But hey, you're a hero for not telling.

Hiram posted 3/13/2018 18:01 PM

[This message edited by Hiram at 8:08 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)]

HellFire posted 3/13/2018 18:27 PM

I won't comment about his choice of words.

However, you choosing to have an affair,and continue to lie to your wife, says a lot about you. It says you are a liar,at the very least. It says you don't have any problem with taking away your wife's ability to choose for herself what she wants in her life.

You sound like you've been a man of integrity most of your life. The last few years, not so much.

Are you ok with that?

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:28 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

Hiram posted 3/13/2018 18:35 PM

[This message edited by Hiram at 8:08 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)]

HellFire posted 3/13/2018 18:57 PM

Yes, that's what I meant,and yes, it's clear you're not ok with it.

But you can change that. Show your wife the respect she deserves,and tell her the truth. Show her you're the man she thinks you are. Be kind, gentle, patient, and most of all, honest.

You sound like a good, strong, and moral man. You can make this right. It won't be easy, but isn't your wife,and your marriage,worth it? Aren't you?

Cooley2here posted 3/13/2018 19:00 PM

I might be the lone voice telling you not to tell. When my husband and I were young and married he went on vacation with some buddies to Mexico. While he was there he hired a prostitute. I never knew anything about it and I think it was the one and only time he has ever done that. Several years later for some reason, out of the blue, I ask him if he had ever cheated and he did not have time to come up with a lie so he admitted it. We have gone on with our lives and I have never brought the subject up again but it makes me wonder what in the world gets in the minds of people sometimes. I wish I did not know. He is a good husband and a good father and that was many years ago.
The only reason I can think of for you to tell is if you think the other woman would tell her. If you donít think she will then the best thing you can be is the best husband anybody has ever had. Still, there is some reason why you are on this site. Is this something that is eating away at you? If so then maybe having a third person, such as a therapist, help you tell. The problem is if you tell youíre transferring your burden on to your wife.

demolishedinside posted 3/13/2018 19:15 PM

Hiram, you did choose to ask us. The question is what you are looking for in our answers?

I found out on my own. Society says cheating only happens in bad marriages. That is not true. What IS true is that one partner chooses themselves over the other, over the M. As a betrayed, that is a difficult pill to swallow. Finding out left me believing nothing was true or real in my world. I shook constantly for six weeks. It was emotional and physical pain of the kind I have never felt before.

What would have helped was his honesty. And frankly? In the end, you chose her. I wanted to believe I mattered, that he SAW me. You did. You saw her. THAT is what she needs to hear. She needs the truth of her life, and all you felt and feel about her. She needs to know that you chose these actions, why, and why you wonít ever again. She needs to know you are a safe and loving partner. I believe a good therapist could help you articulate this. At any time, the OW could deal a painful blow. Your wife sounds wonderful. She deserves the truth from you.

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