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Do not waste anymore time...

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skins21 posted 3/19/2018 15:33 PM

....on people who cheat!!!! I've come to the conclusion that reconciliation is pointless and only lengthens the time it takes to heal from infidelity. Unless it was a ONS and your partner is truly remorseful it's useless to try and save the marriage. I get it, you have kids or a house or 20+ years invested together. It doesn't matter, just get out as fast as you can and you will heal so much quicker.

How the hell can you heal when the biggest obstacle and trigger of your pain is still living with you?

Answer. YOU CAN'T!!!!!

Once your partner has strayed with a coworker, family friend, relative, pool boy...ect your marriage is over and so is your relationship. Cheaters are completely self absorbed broken people with the emotional intelligence of a teenager. They aren't worth reconciling with let alone continuing a relationship with ever again. A very small percentage might be able to change and grow and become a safe partner in the future but who wants to waste more time on that huge gamble? I've decided I don't

My time is precious and I won't waste anymore of it on a substandard relationship with a substandard person. I'd rather be alone and successful than let a broken person hold me back and tear me down!

DO NOT WASTE ANYMORE TIME TRYING TO R, JUST MOVE ON AND GET THE D OVER WITH!!!!

After a year of trying to R I've finally been shown the light. I do not regret trying to save the marriage and reading so many self help/relationship books as they will help me in the future. I just have had the realization there is no saving what has been irrevocably damaged beyond repair.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/19/2018 15:38 PM

Thanks for the big, fat generalization, skins21. And, your opinion is not facts.

I understand how you may feel this is true for you and your marriage, but this is not the truth for many, many members of SI and IRL.

nscale56 posted 3/19/2018 15:42 PM

Sistermilkshake Exactly.

HellFire posted 3/19/2018 15:45 PM

I think it's rather obvious you're in incredible pain. I'm so sorry.

Not everyone has a remorseful, honest,willing to do the hard work WS. I think, for those who do, it's hard for them to understand the mind fuck a BS experiences when trying to reconcile with a WS who doesn't get it.

And while your generalization may not be true for many many members here, unfortunately, it is the truth for many,many members here, and IRL.

Again,I'm so sorry. I hope those who respond to you can do so with compassion,and empathy, rather than scold you because they have had a different experience.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:46 PM, March 19th (Monday)]

Randy1133 posted 3/19/2018 15:45 PM

Feels good to wipe off the shit and move on without the constant reminder of betrayal, doesn't it? Cut out the cancer and leave it behind. You now have a chance to find a healthy relationship with a beautiful and faithful woman. The world is full of them. Take some time, digest it all. A few months without her presence, you will feel great.

I remember being reunited with my balls on the day I signed the divorce papers. Oh, it was a glorious day! I missed them so!

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 3:47 PM, March 19th (Monday)]

sudra posted 3/19/2018 15:48 PM

....on people who cheat!!!! I've come to the conclusion that reconciliation is pointless and only lengthens the time it takes to heal from infidelity. Unless it was a ONS and your partner is truly remorseful it's useless to try and save the marriage. I get it, you have kids or a house or 20+ years invested together. It doesn't matter, just get out as fast as you can and you will heal so much quicker.
How the hell can you heal when the biggest obstacle and trigger of your pain is still living with you?

Answer. YOU CAN'T!!!!!

Once your partner has strayed with a coworker, family friend, relative, pool boy...ect your marriage is over and so is your relationship. Cheaters are completely self absorbed broken people with the emotional intelligence of a teenager. They aren't worth reconciling with let alone continuing a relationship with ever again. A very small percentage might be able to change and grow and become a safe partner in the future but who wants to waste more time on that huge gamble? I've decided I don't

My time is precious and I won't waste anymore of it on a substandard relationship with a substandard person. I'd rather be alone and successful than let a broken person hold me back and tear me down!

DO NOT WASTE ANYMORE TIME TRYING TO R, JUST MOVE ON AND GET THE D OVER WITH!!!!

After a year of trying to R I've finally been shown the light. I do not regret trying to save the marriage and reading so many self help/relationship books as they will help me in the future. I just have had the realization there is no saving what has been irrevocably damaged beyond repair.

Healing from infidelity takes 3-5 years. I will be 8 years out this summer. My husband was in counseling for 4 1/2 years. He's a different person and I trust him.

It is possible and it's really unfair of you to project your situation onto others. Everyone is different, BS and WS.

I believe it is unwise to attempt to R with an unremorseful spouse. But if a BS wants to, and the WS is remorseful and willing to do the work to change, it is possible to successfully R. I and many other have, whether you like it or not.

Please keep these type of comments to yourself.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/19/2018 15:50 PM

@Hellfire, maybe the compassion thing goes both ways. The damage done to a BS who wants to reconcile and has a good candidate in their particular WS can be devastated by a post, a generalization, like this. That is not being compassionate. Speak YOUR truth, but don't try to make it everyone's truth.

HellFire posted 3/19/2018 15:59 PM

If the compassion thing goes both ways..where was yours when you responded to him?

I think the motto of this site is take what you need,and leave the rest. A new BS has been devastated by the affair. A post on a forum, where a member is speaking their truth, doesn't necessarily mean they will throw their hands up and file for divorce. The advice here ranges from hugs and gentle advice, to blunt and raw honesty. It's up to the individuals to decide what's best for them. One post here doesn't erase the hundreds of positive reconciliation posts that's a stickied thread in the reconciliation forum.

Randy1133 posted 3/19/2018 16:02 PM

Not sure WS's are good candidates for anything, really.

Sadlymistaken posted 3/19/2018 16:05 PM

Ive wasted 6 months trying to R , turns out I was the only one really doing any work .

Im with skins21 it can be a complete waste of time. Yes it can work if the WS is truly repentant . But oh its a bitter pill to swallow when you realise that they werent .

Life is short and our relationships are meant to bring us joy and happiness. Sadly I think many of us after Dday think that saving it all is the only option or the right option.

It not often until months down the track when you may be feeling differant or better that it dawns on you that the choices you made then may not have been the right ones.

Im hearing you loud and clear on this one. Im so sorry for those of us that find ourselves here .

But happy for those that R does work for. Sadly its not a one size fits all solution.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/19/2018 16:06 PM

IDK, Hellfire, I don't feel I was being uncompassionate towards skins21. I told him I understood that may be true for him and his marriage. I was just giving some blunt honesty.

The advice here ranges from hugs and gentle advice, to blunt and raw honesty.

Also, maybe some need to refresh themselves on posting guidelines. Pay particular attention to #8.

skins21 posted 3/19/2018 16:08 PM

Without trying to overgeneralize most/many cheaters have severe character flaws that include lying, addiction, fear of commitment, selfishness, entitlement, attention seeking, fear of abandonment and co-dependency to name a few.

Beyond all of that many cheaters have some sort of personality disorder that's hereditary or was established as a child and how they were raised by broken parents.

Whatever your cheater's issues are it's hardly ever a simple fix to magically restore the partner you've always wanted.

What ends up happening most of the time is that they continue to hurt you over and over again because they have no empathy/compassion or they just can't change their core personality.

Years of counseling/psychotherapy may get them the help they need but it does not necessarily mean that the changes they make are long lasting and permanent.

The odds of a marriage lasting isn't great to begin with but trying to R with someone who's already destroyed your life is nearly impossible and takes many many years to even begin to "move on".

Bobbi_sue posted 3/19/2018 16:09 PM

Healing from infidelity takes 3-5 years.
If I believed this, I would probably also agree with skins21. I would not want to waste 3-5 years of my life.

I divorced my XH, went to see a lawyer to get things started two days after the last D-day.

I R'ed with my current H but made this decision very early on when he expressed remorse. (The woman was someone from his past and the A was on and off for most of a year, lets get real, mostly on).

My decision was contingent on him continuing to show remorse and of course never cheating again but still, I made my decision early. While I can't say that there were never issues, arguments and what-not through the first 3 years, mostly our marriage was just a marriage, like it has always been. We were not in some state of waiting for year 3, 4 or 5 to actually feel married again. As for me, I try to make the best decision for me in a reasonably short period of time. In my life, that is what has worked to help me survive infidelity in two marriage with two very different outcomes.

Zugzwang posted 3/19/2018 16:19 PM

Yeah, everyone here focus on the

A very small percentage might be able to change and grow and become a safe partner in the future
, because it is larger than he thinks. Sorry, you are in the small percentage of BS with waywards that may not be doing what they need to do to begin with. By all means those of you that have waywards that don't do jack should cut the strings after several years of false R even better it you can realize that after 6 months and you don't waste your time.


Not sure WS's are good candidates for anything, really.

What is sad is the inability to give grace or mercy to people that know they made a bad choice and are trying to change. Like the larger majority of waywards here. Shit forbid your child ever makes a horrible choice in their broken states. Do we deserve it? No, we earn it. Your choice to give it. I have a ton of respect for the BS that aren't so closed minded and can be so fucking strong to give it. I have respect for the BS that make it a deal breaker from the start. I don't have respect for people that say other people aren't worth anything. What is sad, and I do feel sorry for those of you that think a person can't change and become better and prove it is that quote is closed minded way to view society and the people around you. Sad that-that amount of damage was done to you or you were always that way about people that make bad choices. I hope you never make a bad choice in your life because those that can't forgive people that earn it, usually can't give it to themselves.

The1stWife posted 3/19/2018 16:23 PM

I too wasted 6 months in hell in false R. Except I didnít know the A had resumed but I knew things were not moving forward like they should.

But at DDay2 he had to convince me (the BS) to stay. Not D him. I did and it has been worth it. Rocky 2 years but we survived and are almost 5 years past DDay 1.

Some cheaters do change.

Some do get it.

Some cheaters really commit to the M.

And some do not

Notthevictem posted 3/19/2018 16:24 PM

Well bro, guess its time to update your signature block.

skins21 posted 3/19/2018 16:29 PM

Thanks NTV, updated sig info.

StevieJ posted 3/19/2018 16:30 PM

I think it comes a bit down to the personality of the BS. I've always been the kind of person to just quietly walk away from people who piss me off. I pretty much did the same from my WW. Life is just to short and precious to waste on these people. You only get one shot at this.

crazyblindsided posted 3/19/2018 16:38 PM

We are all in different situations. I feel I'm mostly staying for finances and the kids. I don't want to struggle and I don't want my kids growing up with another mommy or daddy. We have a lot of history and I still have some love but don't get me wrong it isn't sunshine and rainbows with WS anymore that ship has sunk

Booyah posted 3/19/2018 17:07 PM

Skins sorry R didn't work out for you.

Sorry that you've had to go through so much pain and heartache. I truly mean that.

That said, a lot of what you say is indeed true, HOWEVER just because it didn't work out for you doesn't mean that R can't work for others.

Sometimes it's an easy decision to cut bait and part ways. If a BS has it in them to offer the gift of R to a remorseful partner to see if they can rebuild a new relationship (that both of them are willing to put in the work) than who's to say it can't (and won't work)?

There's numerous people on this site who have R and are doing extremely well. Plus when they look back at the work they put into R I would think every single one of them would say that it "wasn't a waste of time" as you're claiming.

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