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Devastated and confused.

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brokendreamer posted 4/9/2018 19:18 PM

No, my parents are very elderly, I couldn't burden them. I lost most of my friends because they got fed up of me putting up with him, seeing my bruises and heartache.

Cephastion posted 4/9/2018 19:32 PM

I'm not sure how it works over there, but I think I'd look into having your younger son go to some counseling ASAP. You may be able to get it paid for by the gov't if need be because this kind of violence and emotional abuse is criminal and nasty, at least in MY way of thinking anyhow.

You aren't likely to even realize the depths of how abusive things really were because you had your rose-colored glasses on while so much of it was occurring.

Get some objective, outside counseling for yourself and your son so he and you can see the forest along with the trees that your lovely wolf was using for cover.

In fact, very often, even the WOLF HIMSELF doesn't even realize his own cruelty and manipulations. Wolves often just do what gets the results they are after without really necessarily understanding how selfish and totally evil they are in the doing of it all.

I am NOT letting that man of yours off of the hook at ALL by what I am saying there. I only mean to say that you likely couldn't recognize how truly awful of a creature and situation YOU and your sons were in all of that time, because if you DID, you'd likely have taken much more serious countermeasures to protect your kids from becoming so abused and brainwashed themselves.

At least see if your younger (and maybe the older one too) can be evaluated and investigated as to what kinds of issues need to be addressed and hopefully re-programmed to make them healthier and break that cycle lest other poor women fall victim to such awful abuses just like you did.

Thank GOD that this thing at least got exposed when it DID instead of going any longer under "cover" like he had everything going.

I think maybe you might look into leaving town with your son for awhile or getting some real protection till this shitstorm blows over some.

People that are that overtly hostile and evil while knowing that they are being watched but are so fearless and merciless in their unprovoked assaults and under-handed treachery are potentially dangerous in more ways than just ONE in this man's opinion.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 7:41 PM, April 9th (Monday)]

brokendreamer posted 4/11/2018 14:53 PM

Just updating. The last day or two have been very difficult, Ive cried alot and been in deep despair. I tried to help myself today, by washing my hair and putting on some smart clothes and going to do grocery shopping.
I felt very anxious, but realised that the shopping would not do itself and so booted my own ass hard.
Even under the bit of make up, I looked haggard, empty, dark under the eyes and souless, I knew they weren't but I almost felt like people were looking at me like I was about to burst into tears or collapse on the floor. Frankly having caught a glimpse of myself in the window, I didn't recognise myself at all.
I used to go shopping and be full of fun, saying hi to everyone I had got to know over the years who worked there. I used to buy all the basics then something good for dinner and ex's favourite cheese and wine etc. If I was with mum, it was always her shopping for dad and me for hubby. One large steak or chop or whatever and one smaller for me, his fave biscuits, my bar of chocolate etc.
I know this all sounds trivial, but it was very difficult not to cry, only when I was back in my car did I break down and cry like a baby. I am sure I am not the only one of us here who has found even the smallest things difficult to do during the early stages. I walked into the house and promptly threw up in the bathroom, like an anxiety retching, I was shaking so badly. My elder son (21) was here and he just held me, i felt bad for him seeing me like that and so more guilt. He made me a coffee and just let me cry in his arms. I feel weak, a failure, a mess and an embarrassment, then think no wonder he went off with OW.
It appears he is back for now, i didn't think his parents would have son there whilst ex lived it up with OW, though probably only for a day or so. I'm scared of running into him, if anyone could share with me what they experienced the first time they ran into ex after the split, I would be grateful as I am dreading it.
I try to read as many other stories on here as possible and many are heartbreaking to read and my heart truly goes out to them, but in a way it is comforting to know I am not alone and also that people have moved on from this.
I also know I shouldnt, but have resorted to having half a bottle of wine at night, as it is the only way I can sleep and get some respite. I have never been a real drinker, so I am hoping it is just a phase that will pass and help me through these early days.
I have been very naive in many ways and blame myself totally for realising that I should have booked the vow renewal myself, pushed forward the living back together. Instead I sat back waiting for him to do it, to 'prove' his committment to me. I take the full blame for that, I ought to have handled it better. Instead I wished him a good night out when he was going out and realise that maybe he saw that as me not caring. I did, very much, but I also took his love for granted and that is something I now have to live with.
It sounds cliche, but he was the love of my life, my everything. I never once wanted anyone else, nor could I have ever envisioned myself being close to any other man, he was mine and I was his in my eyes, that forever thing.
I should have seen this coming, the new aftershave, the constant selfies for facebook, the losing weight. Instead I was confident, too confident it seems in his love for me. Not that I didnt appreciate his love, or love him even more than I thought possible, i just believed him when he told me he loved me and that this year was our year, after everything we had suffered.
I know i have made mistakes and if I could turn back the clock I would do things differently. But the one thing I did have was total love for him and he had my loyalty. The thing I could give him, was that unwavering love and the peace of mind and security that comes from knowing that he was the only man for me.
i'd chat to friends online, played a silly onlne game in the evenings as I was making dinner and chat to people. Sometimes when he was drunk or in a bad mood, he would accuse me of 'seeing' men on there, it would be 'oh go back to so and so on your stupid game' But it was something I enjoyed when he was out or away working. I have never met any of these people, most are in other countries and certainly never had any kind of conversation other than platonic chit chat about the game or the weather, or kids etc.
Ex was fiercely jealous right up until the end, yet I never once gave him a reason to be.
I wish i could stop loving him so much, i wish he had carried through on his promises of getting a new home together, i wish he had made me feel special and wanted and loved.
Mistakes have been made on both sides and I can see that more clearly now, but my love for him was never in doubt. I would have moved into a new home with him tomorrow, renewed my vows tomorrow, in a heartbeat and been loyal to him for the rest of my life.
I guess he moved on and wanted different things and he has certainly landed on his feet, because whatever I may think of OW, she is stunning, younger than me by 13 years, has a beautiful home and everything going for her.
I had hoped and thought my love and loyalty and 20 years together with a gorgeous son, would be enough. I was wrong and I am not sure i will ever forgive myself for the mistakes I made and the contribution I made to him walking away.
All I know right now, is that the pain and loss is immense, that the only option open to me is to try and get through each day and survive this. I am tortured by 'hearing; his voice, that loud OTT booming that irritated me at times, but brought me comfort and happiness. Only 4 weeks ago he was sat here eating dinner and fell asleep on the sofa, I covered him with a blanket, kissed his head told him I loved him and then laughed at the food marks on his chin.
he mumbled rolled over and said 'love you' he finally came up to bed and threw his huge arm and leg over me and snored like a motorbike. I remember cuddling into him and his arm went round my neck, pulling me closer. I miss him so badly, I can't imagine my life without him, warts and all.
Thank you for allowing me to get more off my chest, to ramble, reminisce and share my thoughts and feelings.
I really am in a bad way right now and could use any help and support you may have to offer.
Thank you all

Chrysalis123 posted 4/11/2018 16:45 PM

I am new to your thread. That, is a lot of drama.

No wonder you are all over the place. And, I'm sorry this has happened to you, and I know how hard it is to find one's way out of infidelity.

You asked when the pain stops. It stops when you start actively taking control of your situation instead of reacting to every behavior as it comes your way.

Have you read any of the posts where the BS is decisive? They have a plan, the seek advice, modify the plan, and then implement?

That, my friend, would help you. You have no plan and are wildly swinging with emotions after every bad incident. You are being reactive, since you have no plan.

So, the marriage you used to have has been murdered. Your son is out of control and being manipulated by your husband, your other son is terrified and upset, and you are being betrayed by family and friends.

In my opinion-
1. Go see an attorney and discover your rights if you divorce. Get your financial house in order.

2. File for divorce and start that ball rolling. If he somehow pulls his head out of his rear end, and has years of therapy, and demonstrates years of consistent normal behavior you may consider remarrying him.

3. Send an unemotional email with photos to the OM. It needs to be short and professional. We can help you with that. And then NC with the OM.

4. Get you and your sons in therapy.

5. Cut out EVERYONE that is not a friend to you. Friends, relatives, etc. (anyone that is socializing with him and the OW) This is a form of NC to protect you from that crazy behavior.

6. NC with the ex. NC=no more hurts.

Are you willing to implement a plan to get out of infidelity?

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:12 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

fareast posted 4/11/2018 19:39 PM

Brokendreamer:

Gently, the next time you look in a window as you pass by you will see a woman who stood by her H through good times and bad, sacrificed and truly loved her spouse. You see a woman who was faithful and loyal to a fault in her marriage and gave it everything she had. When you see that reflection hold your head up high. Your cheating WH is a disgrace for his actions, and the OW may have looks and a great house, but she slept with another womanís husband and there is a lot of rot underneath the veneer.

Chrysalis123 is absolutely right start being proactive and live your life. I know you are grieving your marriage and the unfairness but you can pull yourself out of this and move on. You deserve so much better than this cheating scum. Talk to a lawyer or legal aid, get the divorce process going. Eat healthy, stay away from alcohol, it is a depressant, get a sleep aid. Get out and be yourself, the only person being judged should be your cheating WH. It all starts with you and I think you have the strength to do,it.

If you happen to run into your cheating WH hold your head up and ignore. Cut out friends who are not supportive. Get counseling if you can. Start to move forward.

brokendreamer posted 4/11/2018 20:25 PM

Thank you both, great advice and yes I do need a lawyer and fast. I am ineed reacting and not being pro active, those words have inspired me to make changes, sincere thanks
Just one thing, my 21 yr old isnt 'terrified and upset', he doesnt like seeing mum upset but other than that its life as usual for him. Ex isnt his biological father and frankly he cant stand him. he has a close and healthy relatonship with his biological dad. Not quite sure why you think my adult son is 'terrified and upset' he couldn't give a rats ass and is glad to see the back of ex. 'terrified' is not a word I would use to describe him, far from it.

[This message edited by brokendreamer at 8:44 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

fareast posted 4/11/2018 22:09 PM

I just wanted to add to my earlier post. As you move forward donít look back and pain shop to try and see what your WH is up to on social media. Delete he and OW from Facebook. Shut down and ignore gossip from the pubs. It will only serve to keep you mired in the past. You have demonstrated so many great qualities in your life. Catalog everything you have done. You have a reservoir of determination and have overcome many obstacles. Detach from the people who donít deserve you, and keep on keepin on.

brokendreamer posted 4/12/2018 20:41 PM

Thank you Fareast, for your sound advice, I appreciate it and will certainly take it on board.
Last night I hit an all time low, gathered up an array of tablets and fought a huge inner battle. It went on for hours. I was scared to take them, but scared not to, kept lining them up, got a bottle of water, cried, wrote notes. This is not just the break yp, it is years of trauma and pain, which is relentless.
Yes I have all the meds and yes Ive tried counselling, I have no faith in counselling, just my opinion and experience.
Husband has now sold the dogs and tomorrow they go, my son is beside himself, they were his pets for years. None of that matters, all ex cares about is her, to the point of nothing else it seems.
I have no doubt she will be pregnant soon, needy women like that do as a way of marking their territory and hanging on.
There comes a point in your life when your ability to cope is outweighed by problems, it all gets too much.
I am not looking for sympathy or attention, none of that is going to solve my problems. I am simply saying that it has become too much for me, way too much.
I dont really know what else to say and frankly I dont care anymore.
I am human and we can only take so much, when it all becomes too much to bear and there is no end to it raining down, then you have to admit defeat.
Right now I cant get through another day, never mind the months people say it takes.
It has got to the point where for the past few days, I have taken too much medication just so I can stay asleep. I wake briefly for an hour or two twice a day. I no longer dress, shower, eat etc, with the exception of a trip to the store yesterday which was so traumatic it only served to reinforce my beliefs that I can no longer cope. I have lost so much weight I look ill, I am unkempt and look like the walking dead.
People say contact a lawyer, get strong! My legs are so wobbly and my head so messed I can barely make it to the bathroom, never mind a lawyers office.
I'll say again, I already had severe PTSD, so not just this, though it has been the worst thing in my life.
There is no chance that I am going into a mental health unit, im not mental im worn down with grief.
Ive given up through sadness and a broken heart. I'm bitter and angry at how he has walked away to a better life and left the woman who was right by his side for 20 years. Where the F*** is the justice??
Not just for me, but for every single person on this site who has undeservedly been shat on from a great height? I keep reading stories about lovely, kind people who have been left shattered and destroyed. But the cheating spouse moves on, marries, has kids blah blah.
Even the very few who reconcile seem to spend their entre life 'working' on resolving it. Handing over passwords, fitting gps trackers and having lie detectors, I could not live like that.
I have accepted that my marriage has gone forever, but it is the final blow to an already broken soul.


fareast posted 4/12/2018 21:12 PM

Brokendreamer:

Donít give up. You will survive this! One step at a time. One day at a time. Breathe, eat and sleep. Your children need you and the rest of your friends and family. You can do this.

brokendreamer posted 4/12/2018 21:57 PM

I'm trying hard Fareast, tonight is proving so difficult. I'm not religious but my God I've prayed to get me through tonight.
My GP said today that any kind of trauma brings back and adds to the PTSD. I have so much going on in my mind and it wont stop.
Our son rang me earlier sobbing, dad has sold the dogs, his pets, I can't begin to get my head around all this.
I dont know this man anymore, he is destroying me and the kids for her, a woman he has known 6 weeks.
It is frightening in its itensity. Please explain what is going on.
I have stood by NC for 2 weeks, but everyday I get another shock and stab in my heart.
I didnt deserve this, nor did the kids.
Please help me I am really really struggling

fareast posted 4/12/2018 22:39 PM

Brokendreamer:

I know your pain currently is real and unbearable, but believe me it does get better with time. You are still so new in this betrayal and feelings are so raw. If you are in an immediate crisis please contact a local suicide hotline. Seek the help of professionals who can help you. Donít give up. You are strong enough to get through this and be well. Strength to you. Do not succumb to your WHís hateful actions.

Cephastion posted 4/12/2018 22:49 PM

I just read your post here after my PM to you. I'll be praying, too.

The bible says of Satan that he comes to kill, steal, and destroy. If there's any logic in all of what your husband is doing, it certainly seems to line up with THAT "mission statement" at least. I'm not calling him "Satan" but I do say that evil is an influence that can only be understood at best by understanding the "person" BEHIND it, and I don't think that Satan or his mistress-minion-whore who's brainwashing your husband are inconsistent with that bible verse at all, IMO. I'll quote it for ya here:

John 10:10 (CJV version)10 The thief comes only in order to steal, kill and destroy; I have come so that they may have life, life in its fullest measure.

For what it's worth for the record, once God FINALLY whipped my wife's ass and she came back penitent, my wife and I reconciled for REAL and never she went back to that putrescent bilge! No VAR's or trackers. No keyloggers or GPS bugs. No watching over her shoulder or her emails. No suspicious phone calls or inexplicable absences or excuses. NOT A SINGLE ONE. And that's been for over 22 years now. My trauma was rugswept however and so we're only just really dealing with that now in the last couple of years or so. So in her case and mine, the reconciliation and changes were both REAL and also PERMANENT as far as she and I can possibly tell at least.

We may be somewhat unusual there, but I know that I've read several others' posts on here that would say they don't have to bother with any of that in their marriages anymore, but of course this site is mostly all about squeaky wheels and getting them greased. And the quiet, happy fully greased wheels aren't squeaking so loudly here on SI, because this is more of a hospital/collision specialist and less of a showroom or car show.

So the positive results aren't as easy to spot or as loud and as constant as the droning of pain since this is more of a hospital ER or ICU and less of a Gold's Gym or Pyramid scheme.

Anyway, I'll pray too. We all know what it means to hurt and need some "grease"...some of us likely know it a lot more deeply than others perhaps, but we're all victims and survivors here in JFO. Hell...even the waywards need it whether they all know it or not.

brokendreamer posted 4/12/2018 23:21 PM

Thank you both so very much, it has been a long and difficult night and you have been there for me. I'm eternally grateful, truly thank you

Cephastion posted 4/13/2018 23:01 PM

BrokenD, I sent you a lengthy PM just a little bit ago.

Cephastion posted 4/14/2018 19:09 PM

Broken D? How are you doing out there? Talk to us.

brokendreamer posted 4/23/2018 10:52 AM

Hi everyone, just needed a little time out so went to stay with a friend for a few days, I wasn't coping very well.
Just thought I'd update for anyone who has been following my thread.
Well ex has moved in with OW now, sold the dogs last week and has handed in his notice on the house, which he officially leaves next week.
They are having weekends away left right and centre and appear to be in the throes of exciting new love and a future together. They even made it 'official' on FB, wow way to go them!! I dont look, but people still mention. Photo's of them still Mojito's and fancy cocktails at the bar as other guests in the hotel are coming downstairs for breakfast. It's all go for them, loves young dream. Funny thing is, he is doing all the cray random things he did with me when we met, difference is I was in my 20's and didnt have 2 primary school aged kids.
She is apparently going all out on FB, every time he farts I' told she posts about it, she sure is loved up, as is he.
I'm just the bitter, over the hill ex left behind in a cloud of dust to deal with the pain and fallout. Sat staring into my wine glass at night with nothing but memories and mind movies for comfort. I am not ready to quit my pity party yet and go out iot is still early days and I realise I have a lot of healing to do.
Son is still with his grandparents, as his father appears to be filling his head full of how he is going to join them after his final exams next month. So he too is off to start a new life without me.
I feel like my life has been flushed down the pan and I am nothing but a stubborn floater left in the bowl so to speak.
He reappeared last week as a family member saw him and according to son he is also coming back later today, probably to finish packing up. He tried to make contact with my dad went looking for him in the village pub. Then he messaged him to hand in his notice on the house. Part of me wishes he would just go, get lost, stop coming back and if son is going, i'd rather that was sooner too. At least then I dont have to dread running into him and people will lose interest in telling me things.
My son is rather challenging (that age) and just like his father. He is also spoiled by his dad and used to being numbers 1,2 and 3, so I'd love to be a fly on their wall when he moves in.
I'm still wondering who is going to come first, her, our son her kid, in which order, as I know my son very well obviously and anything less that first second and third isnt going to go down well.
Wait til the first time he tells OW she is a marriage wrecking whore or an ugly bitch or whatever. He has his fathers mouth that's for sure, calls me and his gran so he sure won't hold back to her in a row. If dad tells him off all hell will let loose. Popcorn anyone?
Once the novelty of the flowers everyday to her work and the constant weekends away wear off (and all the other grand gestures he indulges in at the beginning) she will see a very different man.
I AM bitter and angry and hurt and feeling worthless etc I can't help it right now. Why the nee to go looking for my dad, just leave me and my family alone and go.
also one of the reasons he couldnt move in with me was that I am not allowed to have dogs in my house and he wouldnt part with them, he parted quick enough with them for her though. Says it all really.
I'm just lost and confused, hurting badly, feeling resentful, but at least the shock is wearing off now somewhat.
I can feel a slight anger kicking in for fleeting moments so hopefully it is a sign that I am making steps to heal. Also the rose tinted spectacles are lifting and the pedestal I had him on is beginning to crumble ever so slightly.
The why why why? is sometimes replaced by the 'how dare dare dare you?'
I used to pray for him to come back, now I pray even harder for Karma to bite both their asses and hard!
I didnt deserve this, I was and am far from perfect and yes I made mistakes, but I loved him unconditionally and was prepared to spend my life with him and never cheat. i didnt want to cheat or find anyone else, I truly loved him and could never have imagined being with anyone else but him.
What happens next? what is the next stage and do I file for divorce right away?
Can anyone please tell me what I can possibly expect next in terms of the next stage of grieving and sorting out the legal side. I dont expect him to make contact with me, he is far too loved up with her but if he does for any reason along the line, do I just ignore him?
I know that sadly most of you here have been through this and or are going through it, so I would very much appreciate your thoughts on what to expect next.
Thank you all, your support means the world to me

fareast posted 4/23/2018 23:12 PM

Itís good that you are getting to the anger stage. Be proactive. Do not anticipate what is to come from your WH. Do whatís best for you. No Contact means no new hurts. Ignore your WH and do not pain shop. See your attorney, find out your rights and file for D. Your WH is unremorseful. Protect yourself financially. Money spent on the Oaw during your marriage may be recoverable. Hold your head up. Remember the most salient fact in this mess: ďyou are the prizeĒ. Strength to you.

undertherug posted 4/24/2018 01:06 AM

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Once your WH moves, you will not have to worry about running into him and that should help you a lot. I am also glad your anger is kicking in. This man has his head so far up his a$$ he can see his back molars. Have you seen an attorney yet? I don't know how the laws work where you are, but he is spending marital assets like crazy. Please take steps to protect yourself financially. I can understand the heartbreak you feel regarding your younger son. Is he planning on moving with his dad? If he does, I feel sure that won't last. You are still his Mom and he needs you, even though he is confused and upset right now. I am hoping things get better for you soon.

brokendreamer posted 4/24/2018 09:26 AM

Thank you both very much. I rang around some solicitors today and have one to call back tomorrow, he has a reputation for being a rottweiler.
Yes my son is planning on moving in with his dad, OW and her kids next month. Dad has fille dhis head with what a fantastic time lies ahead when he does.
I agree that it may help me to feel a bit stronger when I have a good lawyer behind me as right now exh is running rough shod over me emotionally and financially.
Just taking one day at a time and noticed im not crying as much as I was, so even in 3-4 weeks I am beginning to feel a little stronger. I think the worst thing was the shock and that is subsiding, just small moments of anger are appearing, but it's progress and that is a good thing.
Thank you again for your replies and support

Booyah posted 4/24/2018 14:25 PM

Broken, thought I'd chime in here.

Sounds like this H of yours has put you through the ringer.

You mentioned in one of your initial posts that you "stood by this man for 20 yrs despite his cheating and domestic abuse".

This man is toxic and brings you nothing but heartache.

Praying that you can get to a place of peace, because you certainly deserve it and you are worth it!!

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