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When You Still Love Them...

IslandGirl4418 posted 3/27/2018 14:28 PM

I found out 9 1/2 months ago that my husband of 27 years has had a girlfriend for 2 years!!! I believe I am still in shock. I was clueless. So much deceit and lying. He made a game out of it. Golf trips he said and he would come home with all kinds of stories about "the guys". Thank heavens we had no children. I just found this website today and in reading some of the posts I see that so many people are in terrible pain. I am moving out of our house in 10 days and should be divorced in a couple months but I don't think I'll ever get over this. I still love him terribly but could never trust him again and I surely would never have sex with him again but I do still love him. How will I get past that?

Simplicity posted 3/27/2018 14:46 PM

I thought I still loved him. Perhaps I did, but as he continued to show me disrespect, and showed me how little he loved me by not trying, by willfully flaunting his affair in his family, by taunting me with hopes of reconciliation, then turning around and saying it's hopeless, I lost my love. It is a process. It took a lot to realize that his affair showed how little love or respect he had for me. I should be pushing my efforts of love toward all other people than him.
At one point my therapist asked me how much pain must I endure before I move on? So I ask you that same question. How much will you endure before your love erodes?

WhoTheBleep posted 3/27/2018 21:00 PM

Go no contact (NC). Stay that way. Once you move out, communicate only about finances. No kids, so once you are divorced, you are home free! When you are tempted to reach out to him, post in this forum on the "Stay NC, post it here" thread. That thread has saved my life. I've written so many texts to WH, and just before I hit "send", I cut and paste to that thread, or to a note app on my phone. I have pages and pages of messages I never sent.

The less contact, the faster you will heal. Block him on phone and social media. Any necessary financial chat should be through email only, or lawyers (but that could get pricey.)

Keep posting here. I'm so sorry. We all know the pain of the lies and betrayals. It sucks. But you WILL heal.

honesttoafault posted 3/27/2018 21:15 PM

You love who you thought he was and it will take some time to realize that he is not that man.

It's a grieving process and it does hurt.

Keep reading on this site. It is very helpful. Read the articles in "The Healing Library". Go to an IC to help you with the grieving process.

NC
NC
NC

Keep posting. We are all here for you.

Chili posted 3/27/2018 21:24 PM

Try and detach from him as much as you can. There are really great resources here for helping you with that.

Allow yourself to feel all the things you're feeling - there's no right or wrong way to feel about all of this stuff.

Are you taking good care of yourself?

Getting enough sleep?
Trying to eat healthy?
Talking with some close friends?
Finding an individual therapist to talk to?

You will get to the other side - you just have to move through it first.

(((IslandGirl)))

harrybrown posted 3/27/2018 21:54 PM

you are getting out of infidelity and have some respect for yourself.

She did not get the prize.

neither did he.

You are the prize. they will not be able to trust each other.

homewrecked2011 posted 3/27/2018 21:55 PM

A one night stand - I could kind of get over, but to be purposely deceived for even 1 year (as I was) or 2 years - like you... Well it just is too psycho for me to ever stay.

I still loved him, but I was NOT going to stay with someone who is that screwed up. Please see an atty b4 you move out. Do not let him have the house, bc he'll move someone else in.

Time heals, but it's what you do with the time that is important. Get all the counseling you need. It takes about a year to come out of the shock.

This is not your fault!

Remember Sandra Bullock/ Jesse James? She went NC with him right away. She went dark on him and he didn't know what hit him.

No contact. Once you get out, stay away from him.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:56 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)]

BeanLaidir posted 3/28/2018 04:29 AM

Detaching is hard after infidelity, and it can take ages to even get started. Go at your own pace and be gentle with yourself. At the same time try to catch yourself before you fall into the many pits of sadness and despair and anger which litter our paths post betrayal. When you fall into one, which you will, see it for what it is, a temporary setback rather than your new reality. Easier said than done I know.

One of my favourite TV characters is Leo McGarry from The West Wing. In one episode he tells this story: This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."
SI is like the friend who jumps in the hole, people here know the way out of the mess of feelings and hurt and pain we find ourselves in after affairs.

Chili, who posted earlier here, has a great guide to detaching. It's down on page two at the moment. I printed it out and stuck it in my purse last week (thanks Chili!) so I can pull myself back from the brink when I get sucked towards the vortex of despair.

Another friend told me that families of addicts are given the mantra of the three C's which can apply to the behaviour of the WS from the perspective of the BS; you didn't Cause this, you can't Control this, you can't Cure this. Our WH's are responsible for their behaviour and the only behaviour we can be in charge of is our own.

What I have found most challenging is my gut instinct to do as my WH has done and rewrite our history to focus on all the negatives, the irritations, the bad bits etc. It's protective, sure, but I don't want to be bitter and angry because that doesn't help me in the long run. I was very happy in my marriage, even when things weren't perfect. I hope that one day in the future I will be able to look at our good days with warmth. I loved him with every fibre of my being for more than 26 years and despite his recent treatment of me, that doesn't get turned off like the flick of a switch. A part of me still wants to reach out to him, see how he's doing, ask if he is happy with his new life (I know the answer!). But I know it's not healthy for me to do this, so I resist. Do I still have love for him? Beneath all the hurt and anger, probably a little but not enough to make myself vulnerable to him again. I loved him, he loved me, we loved our children but I need to detach without getting bogged down in negativity.

To remind myself of this, I recently bought myself a new ring. It's a simple band that I wear on my right hand ring finger. It's by an Irish designer and is inspired by the lines from a WB Yeats poem "too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart". I don't want to harden my heart against WH or all men, so I wear it to remind me to be true to myself and hold on to the loving, trusting, fair, understanding, loyal woman I am.

skins21 posted 3/28/2018 08:33 AM

I'm struggling with this as well. I was in love with her during her 4 year affair. I was clueless as to what she was doing. I still love her now which is why divorcing is so hard. I still haven't emotionally detached from her.

I do feel like I'm able to stop thinking about the affair as much now that I've made the decision to permanently split up and leave her. I think once I'm away from her I'll be able to get over her easier and move on.

Lawyerman posted 3/28/2018 09:03 AM

Getting away is key. If you are around them every day, it's really hard. After Dday, despite the devastating pain, anger and hurt I felt, I still loved her just as much.

Now I have my own space it's easier to see what is real. How she gets under my skin when I near her and know exactly what buttons to press.

The thought of a future alone is scary. The thought of a future with her is more so. The thought of a future with someone else is confusing and at the moment, the mere thought of it fills me with guilt and shame.

It's a journey I guess and it's one day at a time.

All I would advise from my own experience is try to avoid being together. When you are be nice and if need be, say nothing except 'OK'. Don't give false hope. I have done that and to be honest, it was false. I didn't realise I was doing it at the time.

You are not the broken one here so look after yourself and stay strong and decent.

IslandGirl4418 posted 3/28/2018 09:03 AM

Skins: I'm also hoping that once I leave the house things will get easier. This divorce stuff takes a long time along with selling the house and financial issues. I know I made the right decision but my heart is broken as I'm sure yours is. I wish you the best of luck

momonthego posted 4/1/2018 14:49 PM

It sounds like a clichť but time heals all wounds. I donít think you will ever forget someone that you have spent most of your life with but you will learn to live through the pain and you will be able to get through days, weeks, and possibly months, without thinking about him. Yes we are all dealing with our levels of pain and are in different places in our relationships with our spouses but we are alive. We were dealt huge blows and we are still standing. We took the hardest punch and didnít get knocked out. Iím sorry you are divorcing and Iím sorry you donít feel you could ever trust him again. I pray you will forgive your husband and you will not allow bitterness or anger to creep into your heart. If it is really over, remember the good times. Remember the love you once shared and donít let the pain of his choices take root in your life.

Heart posted 4/1/2018 16:40 PM

When I first found out, it was such a shock that making the simple choices hard to make. I thought too that I loved him so much and how could I go on without him. How could he do this... on and on. But it simply came down to I could not continue with a man I could not trust. In time you will recognize your spouse as a different person than the one you "loved". In time you will find love again. Take your time, work on your healing.

litost posted 4/6/2018 20:49 PM

I'm sorry. It is a testament to you that you have such a capacity for love. I think it is normal for a good person to carry on loving their spouse, even after an awful event, especially after 27 years.

I had a 17-year relationship end recently due to betrayal, and 10 months after the divorce I am (sad?) to report that I still love him. However, I've also gotten wise to the fact that he's poison.

It sounds like a paradox, but at the moment I have made my peace with the fact that you can simultaneously love someone--or even just who they used to be--and know full well that they are completely unfit for you now.

Sorry you're going through this and I wish you the best. Your feelings are normal, and you probably are in shock. As others have said, NC is necessary to heal.

Thornier posted 4/7/2018 05:45 AM

I found the easiest way is to separate the old wife from the new ex in my mind. I still love the old her. I don't care for the new her. It's like saying the one I knew died and got replaced. It's all mental gymnastics but it helps.

Thornier posted 4/7/2018 05:47 AM

I found the easiest way is to separate the old wife from the new ex in my mind. I still love the old her. I don't care for the new her. It's like saying the one I knew died and got replaced. It's all mental gymnastics but it helps.

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