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How do you guys handle travel/work trips?

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Willwemakeit posted 3/28/2018 08:46 AM

My husband was away from home when the physical side of the affair happened. How am I supposed to handle him ever traveling alone? What do you guys do about travel? I know I canít go with him everywhere and at some point I have to trust but Iím still not at that point and struggling.

annb posted 3/28/2018 09:32 AM

It is very hard, that's why not only my WH find a new job bc of the affair, but because at his job at the time he was away every other week.

Once D-Day hit, I refused to allow him to travel. The thought of it brought me to my knees as my WH slept with OW on one of his business trips.

At the time, he told his boss he could not travel temporarily because of some issues at home. His boss understood as WH was a great employee. Then when he did have to travel a few times, I accompanied him.

By that time, WH found a new job with much less travel. When he did travel, he always ordered room service instead of going out to dinner. On occasion, he and another male employee would step out either at the hotel restaurant or within walking distance, dinner and back to the hotel.

It's been 13 years, and although my WH job now requires minimal travel, he still does not socialize when women are involved. If it's a group of guys, then I have no issue.

He should give you his full itinerary and keep in constant contact with you.

It took me a very long time to get over the sick feeling when he traveled. Fortunately, it's been minimal, and I still accompany him on occasion.

Basically, he has to do whatever is you need him to feel safe. For me it was ending the socializing after work hours. My WH had no issue with my request.

Willwemakeit posted 3/28/2018 09:47 AM

So Iím not crazy to feel like he should never travel alone again 😂 I know itís going to happen at some point but man itís making me crazy thinking about. It. So people leave Skype on in the room the whole night? I seen that somewhere.

trustedg posted 3/28/2018 09:58 AM

It was the opposite for me. I traveled for work a lot and WH cheated while I was away. Shortly after DDay,just weeks, I had to travel. It was horrible, I was numb during the day,cried at night. WH texted me frequently and called at night. I am not sure of the best way to handle it but the first time is the worst and it slowly (very slowly) gets better IF WH is truly remorseful.

OneLittleVictory posted 3/28/2018 10:00 AM

If you don't feel like you can let your spouse go on a business trip, or do anything else that most normal people can do, then why stay with them? Why not just be alone, or find someone you can trust?

Why torture yourself like this?

[This message edited by OneLittleVictory at 10:01 AM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Willwemakeit posted 3/28/2018 10:07 AM

Iím hoping that at some point I can. I was asking for advice on how others handle it. We are trying for reconciliation but trust isnít rebuilt over night. If it doesnít work then I will move on.

Lazarus posted 3/28/2018 10:09 AM

If you don't feel like you can let your spouse go on a business trip, or do anything else that most normal people can do, then why stay with them? Why not just be alone, or find someone you can trust?

As to the "if you don't feel" part, well none of us in R can trust the WS. They are untrustworthy period. Doesn't really matter whether it is on travel (though that is a trigger for the op and for me), at home, at the gym or at the office. Doesn't matter if I'm the one traveling (as I also learned). The "why stay?" question is very simple to make from the outside, I used to say that all the time. I used to think this issue was so easy and knew for sure what I would do.


As to finding a trustworthy person, what guaranty is there that I can trust the next person? If you had asked me last year I would have said I could trust this one completely not to be unfaithful. One of the lessons I've learned here is never to trust anyone 100%.

OneLittleVictory posted 3/28/2018 10:12 AM

I understand. I'm not trying to be a snot. I just think a betrayed spouse should have answers to those questions before voluntarily enduring such emotional hell. What makes it worthwhile in the first place?

Lazarus posted 3/28/2018 10:17 AM

As to the OP. My wife travels all the time for work. She used it to effectuate and conceal her affair. One of the conditions of R is that she find a new job (which she is doing a good job of, she has to wrap up a big project first but should be out by summer). I've asked that new job require less travel, the ones she's applied for meet that criteria.

As for her current travel, it is killing me. She has cut back as much as possible, with only 2 trips since dday. I accompanied her on 1 (for half of it anyways) and the other was pretty much torture. She has been very open about where she is and what she is doing. She has cut out the socializing events. She even feigned illness to get out of one that her boss had made mandatory. She has cut out work-related social events altogether actually.

It has made it easier for me that I have moles feeding me info. I know the AP's travel schedule, I know they aren't working on projects together, I know they don't travel together... and through other means I know pretty much everything. Still not easy though. I don't believe any real R can happen before she is out of this job... and not sure I'll wait that long.

OneLittleVictory posted 3/28/2018 10:22 AM

As to the "if you don't feel" part, well none of us in R can trust the WS. They are untrustworthy period.

I agree that they are untrustworthy. Then why R?

I just think you should consciously think about what makes it worthwhile to continue enduring the emotional hell. But this is from someone who has no interest in reconciling with his cheating wife, so take it for what it's worth.

Of course there is no guarantee that you could trust the next person. Is that really a good reason to continue being tortured emotionally by the current person?

I personally don't think I'll ever trust anyone again. As soon as I see a red flag waving, I'm out the door.

doigoordoistay posted 3/28/2018 10:24 AM

The 1st time he had to go out of town for work after Dday, I was apprehensive. I came to the conclusion that I can't stop him from cheating, whether he's here or 3 states away.
I'm out of my manic stage though. I stopped digging for info. I have a tracking app on his phone that he is unaware of that I used to check at least every hour. I rarely check now. I also rarely check his phone too. I used to check it a few times a day. It took me time to get to this point. I decided I couldn't live like that manic person any more. He knows if he cheats again, we're done. So it's up to him to decide what's important. When he's gone, he checks in regularly, and I appreciate that. Its not that I trust him, but at the end of the day I only control me.

[This message edited by doigoordoistay at 10:25 AM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Surviving4321 posted 3/28/2018 10:25 AM

Work travel is like any other situation where the WS had/made an opportunity to carry out their actions. Unfortunately work travel is part of life. This is going to sound crazy but you're going to have the trust your spouse in order to R, that situation does not change because of work travel. The truth is, if the WS decides to A again, R was dead anyway. I am not saying let your guard down, I am saying just go on the necessary actions of life. Unfortunately, (and you can read about this in my story in the Reconciliation forum Pain Anguish Despair and Pushups) I tend to have significant control issues. I am learning to "let the chips fall where they may" and live life, I dealt with it once, a second time would just be the end.

Willwemakeit posted 3/28/2018 10:39 AM

So itís not out of the question or controlling to ask him not to go out if he has to go on a trip and I canít go? At some point like I said I will have to let go and let god take the wheel so to speak. I know itís naive for me to think I can always go. I just would feel more comfortable if he didnít go out

doigoordoistay posted 3/28/2018 10:49 AM

Actually it is controlling to ask to go, but in saying that, not an unreasonable request. If it's possible, and would make you feel more at ease, then see if you can go. In my situation it's not possible. We have kids in school, so we both can't be gone for a week at a time. That may be the only solution to this issue for you until you're ready to let God take the wheel, so to speak.

ETA
IF you can't go, then unfortunately, you two have a very tough decision to make. Only you know what you can handle.

[This message edited by doigoordoistay at 10:55 AM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

annb posted 3/28/2018 12:07 PM

So itís not out of the question or controlling to ask him not to go out if he has to go on a trip and I canít go?

^^No, it's not unreasonable. He has to do what makes you feel safe.

My WH came up with all kinds of plausible excuses. As a matter of fact, his company was holding their annual department (about 100+ employees) strategic meeting at a resort that was literally 30 minutes from our home. The meeting had all these fun activities included, team building, there was no way I'd be comfortable with him participating. As soon as he found out about it, we made plans to get away for a few days that particular week. He told his boss we already had a mini vacation planned, it wasn't an issue.

We came up with some very creative ways to keep him from traveling.

Your husband has to understand actions have consequences.

Has he considered looking for another job with less travel?

Time has made it somewhat easier for me. Also the fact that I have had complete access to his work emails and phone that I can check anytime.

Willwemakeit posted 3/28/2018 12:29 PM

He canít move jobs. He is stuck in this last bit of training. He has one conference a year he has to attend. We made it a family event this year. I donít know about next year. Itís expensive for my son and I to go because we have to buy our own tickets, book hotel and car. I know it wonít alwaus be feasible to go. His job puts him and another male coworker in a room. This conference the male coworker ended up with his own room. I guess the last conference the people went out drinking. I was almost comfortable letting him go because I know he would have a roommate but Iím not comfortable with him going out drinking

Luna10 posted 3/28/2018 13:36 PM

I donít want to think how hard it must be during travelling, my WH didnít cheat while travelling but I still think i would be a wreck. Heís out at an work function tonight and I am already a wreck, he sent me pictures with the whole team and all that but I am still pretty paranoid (you know, those thoughts, what if he took the picture another time and using it now, what if heís with her?).

It feels like torture and sometimes I wonder why am I putting myself through this...

Smjsome1 posted 3/28/2018 13:41 PM

Willwemakeit - thank you! This subject is what was going to ask about. My WHís A happened at training - they use the same hotel every time. I would love to hear strategies!

When he found out he had to go back for a week heís been delaying it, but canít delay it past May.

He offered for me to go, us to pay for another hotel. I looked up the city, the hotel, and had massive panic attacks. While I want to go once and ďdefeat the placeĒI want to go on my terms, not be stuck there for a week.

Weíve been going back in forth on me stay alone and panic hard for a week, or me to, and trigger hard for a week. My IC straight up said both ideas are bad. Then yesterday I thought third plan! And bought tickets to NJ to see my daughter and spend time at the beach

I promptly panicked and decided to ask about coping plans here.
Some plans heís putting in place, he is setting up 2 accountability partners to check in with each day, itinerary, giving me his hotel room phone number (not sure why).

I jokingly told him to take one of our security cameras and he said ďI can do thatĒ

The reality is, when he was there he talked to me on the phone many times a day, while with her, so if he chooses to cheat, I canít control him. He could be with her right now while I think he is at work. I just have to know what I will do if he does, and if he does, I will find out.

All that doesnít change my panic and triggers, so the next month in IC will be me working hard on me and my trust in me. And handling triggers.

cancuncrushed posted 3/28/2018 15:28 PM

H traveled extensively, and cheated...It was very hard...impossible...OW traveled with him at times...

FIrst, OW was fired....that still left trust issues..I traveled with him for a time..Many triggers were felt....then the recession hit...and travel ended......Now travel is starting back again...

This was our path...we tried several things...and most didn't help much....In the end, I accepted...He could cheat going to the grocery down the street...I decided I didn't want to spend any more time completely stressed and obsessed with his choices...I had to stop this, for me...If he cheats again, I will deal with it...I was wasting so much time, in fear, when he wasn't cheating at all...I lost a lot of years... NO MORE. I will deal with it, and have a plan in mind of how to deal with it... In the meantime, I am working on me today.... You cant fence them in...or stop them...

A PI is a good idea...or lie detector....otherwise...how will you know for sure? Don't let it eat you up...You cant live this way forever...you have to build trust in him, or yourself....this limbo is hell.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:31 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Breakthrough posted 3/28/2018 15:37 PM

When an affair happened, there is a loss of trust. Forgiveness is a process and it takes time. Have you both considered going to counseling? I've heard from many couples who have had success with marriage counseling, eg. Hope Restored. If you're interested, you can google hope restored and find out more.

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