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She's just told me

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ArnTheMug posted 4/3/2018 22:16 PM

I am a married man for almost 5 years also and a full time dad of 2 young kids. Live on the UK. My wife is the worker and tonight she told me she had just cheated on me the day before.

I have always been very trustful of her as she has been totally faithful and uninterested in other men. She was also cheated upon by her abusive ex and said she would never cheat because she knows the feelings of the receiving end.

I asked her to explain everything from start to finish and she did. She works in a call centre, a job she recently started 3 months ago. She would often come home happy and recalling all the 'banter' she has over the phone with some of the suppliers who she is on the phone to for hours every day. I thought nothing of it as I know she likes a good laugh and likes dirty minded humour.

It got weird when she started adding a few of them to snapchat and Facebook. I'm used to her having male friends, as she gets on better with men than women. But still these were people she has never met, just spoken to over the phone. She fell out with one of them after finding out he was just interested for one reason. Then she started talking more frequently about this other guy. She was always reassuring me that she was just having 'banter' and not flirting and being the gullible fool I am I believed her.

Then a week ago she mentioned that she'd like to go meet up with a group of people from this supplier company she always phones. She wanted to go meet them in person and have a chat and a good old laugh. It turns out this was a cover story.

Over Easter weekend we went away for 4 nights and she wanted to go meet them during out holiday (because it was a shorter drive) but I said no as we only had 3 full days at this holiday home and wanted family time.

So she made plans for Monday instead and drove up to meet this guy (still using cover story of group of people). She was gone for a few hours and when she came home she was acting not quite the same as usual. No gossip from her outing or funny stories. Wasn't hungry. But still I didn't realise.

Then this evening she told me. She'd gone with the intention of meeting this guy. She was attracted to his personality and the attention she got and then said that she was feeling fed up with me. I'm not the most humourous person and can be quite boring sometimes. She also says I don't listen enough. Also she hates my bodily noises (I have bad form of acid reflux and my throat is sometimes making noises. Also I subconsciously sniff a lot. It drives her nuts.)

So she picked him up in her car and they went in a pub (the one I recommended!) sitting chatting but ended up stroking legs. Apparently he was the one being forward and she was dodging his advances at first. His suspicious girlfriend was texting him the whole time going nuts but he just ignored his phone. Then on the way out of the pub they kissed. They got in my wife's car and he directed her to somewhere quiet. They ended up doing various acts of foreplay and then intercourse for a short time in the back of the car.


She tells me they both felt instant guilt and regret. She also says she didn't enjoy the experience at all and only went along with it because she was "caught in the moment". Me and my wife have incredible sexual chemistry and I imagine it'd be hard to match. But I still don't know how much to believe her about any of the story as she has just betrayed my trust for the first time ever. She was hesitating a few times whilst explaining, I don't know if this was because of the shame or twisting the story slightly. Although I do appreciate her telling me everything straight away.

I have so many questions, I don't know where to start.

ArnTheMug posted 4/3/2018 22:25 PM

I will also add I acted quite calmly to this news. I am not a confrontational person and listened to what she had to say. She says that she doesn't want to divorce over this and hopes we can reconcile. I said it was too soon to make such a decision and that my love doesn't go out like a light switch either.

It's 4.30am and I'm sat on the couch feeling so alone. I have no real friends to turn to as all my friends are mutual couples

PlanC posted 4/3/2018 22:28 PM

Youíre certainly not alone.

Confession is unusual. Did she say why she confessed?

Chili posted 4/3/2018 22:32 PM

Oh boy Arn.

This is a horrible story to read and I'm sorry you've found yourself here.

First - know that none of this is your fault. I hear you maybe blaming yourself a little - boring, don't listen, physical attributes. Please, don't for a minute think you caused her to cheat.

Your post was very straightforward and collected. I'm wondering if you might not be in a bit of shock from what you just learned tonight. Sometimes when faced with such news, we are numb right away because our brain just can't believe it.

Then the emotions hit.

So I encourage you to take good care of yourself right now.

I would start with reading in the Healing Library - link in the yellow box. And the sticky posts in this Just Found Out forum where you posted.

Lots of others will be along - many of them husbands who have also been betrayed. Please keep reaching out to us - keep this your safe place for now - and know most of all that you're not alone.

ETA: try and sleep if you can Arn. Give yourself permission to hit the pause button and let the body rest.

[This message edited by Chili at 10:39 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

Marriagesucks posted 4/4/2018 00:08 AM

She was also cheated upon by her abusive ex and said she would never cheat because she knows the feelings of the receiving end.
Did she tell you this or do you know this to be a fact, especially now with your newfound knowledge of her recent cheating. People lie all the time about past relationships.

Are the two kids yours are hers from her previous relationship with her X. Here in the states I would suggest for you to talk to a lawyer (soliciter) to find out your options. The UK's laws are much different than here in the states. For instance over here you would probably get the kids in the event it went to a D, if you are the legal father as you are the primary caregiver being a SAHD

She tells me they both felt instant guilt and regret. She also says she didn't enjoy the experience at all and only went along with it because she was "caught in the moment".
First off it's highly unlikely you are getting a truthful statement of the events that unfolded that evening. She's probably worried you'll run off if you were told the unbiased truth. If she was caught in the moment, she enjoyed it, and very likely finished what she/he started.

manfromlamancha posted 4/4/2018 02:11 AM

Why do you not work ? Women (no matter what they say) have next to no respect for husbands who do not go out and work!

She has no respect for you. I know you would like to think that you have good sexual chemistry together but I am sure she thinks otherwise and will be looking to sleep with a man that she has respect for, even if he is a cheater.

And as for you being "non-confrontational", that just adds to her image of you being weak and throw in bodily noises, sniffing, being boring etc and I am not surprised.

So my advice to you is

* grow a pair and learn to be "confrontational";
* get a job;
* consult an attorney and file for divorce;
* get yourself into better shape;
* destroy the POSOM - inform his gf at the very least.

She needs consequences for her actions and you need to man up!

Coreofsteel posted 4/4/2018 02:51 AM

ManfromlaMancha, I don't think you're correct with your generalization of women not respecting SAHD's.

I'm sorry you're here, ArnTheMug. At this stage with this news so fresh, you'll need to focus on your health and your needs. Things like eating, drinking lots of water, exercise, and sadly STD testing. Keep posting and reading. It helps.

ArnTheMug posted 4/4/2018 03:10 AM

Thanks for your replies.

She said she confessed because of the overwhelming guilt.

Being in shock, yes definitely. I still feel numb and confused. I've had maybe an hour's sleep which isn't helping either.

I have no reason to believe her ex story is false. Exaggerated potentially but I know she is definitely damaged from it.

The kids are mine and I'm aware I could win full custody if I wished. Although I know what the kids mean to her, especially considering the difficulties she experienced in conception and pregnancy and couldn't I hurt her by taking them away like that. At this stage I don't know what I want to do although she keeps asking me. I keep saying I need time to collect my thoughts

BJE49 posted 4/4/2018 04:09 AM

ArnTheMug, I'm from the UK too, unlike you both my wife and I have never had to face the problem of an unfaithful spouse, having said that my marriage of 48yrs has not been without it's problems, so you may be asking yourself, so why am I here.

It's a long story, but basically I followed a friend here who lived in the US (now divorced) who was having problems with his marriage at the time, he is no longer on this forum (he and another female member also on this site broke the rules and were banned) a lot of people appreciated/liked my comments not only on his posts but also on other posters sad experiences that I commented on, so I decided to stay hoping I could be of some use, using my life experiences, and that's about it.

So my thoughts for you, I think you are in the usual state of shock, confusion, numbness and lots of other feelings many BS spouses have on finding out, my advice, go to the doctors if you need help to sleep, and if you need to calm yourself down, you can't think rationally until this happens, although you have made a good decision in telling your WW you need time to collect your thoughts, ask her not to push you on giving her any replyís just yet, whatever you decide needs to go through the processing stage, read as much as you can about Surviving infidelity both in books and on here, keep posting and any advice given take what you need and discard the rest, we on SI have been through this many, many times with new posters, and I know you are in good hands by staying here.

Thatís about it for the moment to start with.

Regards BJE49

manfromlamancha posted 4/4/2018 05:18 AM

ManfromlaMancha, I don't think you're correct with your generalization of women not respecting SAHD's.

Coreofsteel, you may disagree and should really address that to the OP but I speak from a lot of personal experience here. I have seen my fair share of stay at home Dads here in the UK and when push comes to shove, the wives all end up saying the same thing in different ways. It often starts up as "he is a real man, he doesnt feel threatened by staying at home" etc etc and then when the going gets tough it evolves into "how can you just sit there and demand stuff from me when you do not work and the taking care of the kids now is simpler since they have grown up and are in school" to "well we cannot afford a holiday - if you want one then get up off your a$$ and get a job!" to "he expects a lot from me and I really miss being with my kids" - all these are real life quotes. Not saying that Arn is cut from the same cloth, but many of these men were lazy, entitled, even narcissistic and even cheaters.

Arn - get a job so that you can operate from a position of strength!

PattayaCake posted 4/4/2018 05:46 AM

manfromlamancha, I'm afraid I'm with Coreofsteel on the issue of SAHD's, particularly as ArnTheMug stated that he cares for two young children. Often times it is a purely financial decision - the person who can make the most money works, and the other person looks after the house/kids (which often suits better than both parents working and paying for childcare).

Ironically, I am a BW who happened to be the breadwinner and my WxH was a SAHD. HIS reasoning was that I "didn't have enough time for him" and was "married to my career", not to mention a bad mother!! I have never not appreciated the fact that him staying home allowed me to focus on work - I thought we were a team. I certainly didn't lose any respect for him because he was not working!

I did, however, lose all respect for him when he ran away with a 22 year old Thai girl (he is 56), leaving his then 15 year old son behind

PlanC posted 4/4/2018 07:07 AM

A single encounter followed by a confession is a very rare fact pattern. If true, you may have a basis for rebuilding. But your going to figure out why she had the desire, the lack of boundaries and the lack of morality. I think your next steps are a counselor for her and a marrage counselor for you both. Do not accept any blame for her decisions.

[This message edited by PlanC at 8:49 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

sewardak posted 4/4/2018 07:33 AM

"Why do you not work ? Women (no matter what they say) have next to no respect for husbands who do not go out and work!"

so it's his fault? What the actual fuck.

sillyoldsod posted 4/4/2018 07:36 AM

ArnTheMug, so sorry you're here and having to go through this shit storm. If your WW is truly remorseful (rather than just regretful) she will want to find out the reasons why she felt justified to turn to adultery after a relatively short period of marriage, even more so after what happened to her!

I'm not the most humourous person and can be quite boring sometimes. She also says I don't listen enough. Also she hates my bodily noises (I have bad form of acid reflux and my throat is sometimes making noises. Also I subconsciously sniff a lot. It drives her nuts.)
And since when was your WW Little Miss Perfect? Don't do yourself down mate! We all have some strange habits and pecadilloes which a partner can in time grow to resent. However that does not justify in any way her course of action.

She needs to do some deep introspection if she truly wants to save the marriage.

Good luck in your journey ATM.

n8inohio posted 4/4/2018 08:03 AM

I've just started here as well. You will be getting a lot of advice from a lot of people from many different situations. I would say take what you need to help you form a plan going forward and leave what your not comfortable with. Every one here is hurt and dealing with there own personal pain in that we are all together but each of us will have different paths to recovery. I wish you the best on your journey.

seadoug105 posted 4/4/2018 08:08 AM

Arnthemug:

She admitted to being emotionally attracted to him...

She actively pursued time to meet him... even willing to give up family time on Easter weekend to meet him...

She lied to you about the group get together...

She wanted a date with ONE OF her "work telephone boyfriends"...

She got what she wanted and maybe it didn't meet her expectations,

but make no mistake about this FACT!


SHE WENT TO GO MEET THIS GUY TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM... AND WAS EVEN WILLING TO DO IT ON YOUR FAMILY HOLIDAY WEEKEND...

Now she feels guilty because it didn't match her fantasy, not she sees on tv.


She might be giving you mostly truthful details, but she went there with the intent to have a date with him and ultimately get intimate. Any attempt to deny or minimize this, is a lie!

This may sound harsh, but DO NOT TRUST HER! She has thrown your trust and her right to it away.. now she must work to earn any back.


She did this to herself, she did this to you.... she did this to your children!

MrMagnolia posted 4/4/2018 08:23 AM

I'm sorry to see you are going through this. I am appalled by your wife's actions as I am sure you are.

The only thing I want to point out to you is that from your own words as to how she told you about it one thing is absolutely clear to me:

She is blaming you 100 percent for her actions and she feels guilty because she has damaged her own self-image and not because she has hurt you. That second part may exist to some extent but if she really did confess because she hurt you it would be a very different apology. I am so sorry but I know if I heard those words I might take them another way than what I just laid out and I would try and convince myself she was saying things she isn't. I'm not saying you're doing the same but if you are, please don't. This is in NO way your fault. She chooses to cheat and now she wants to feel justified. That can feel like your getting kicked on the way down. It's a double punch right to the genitals.

Good news is that you are talking to friends who've been through the immense pain, confusion, and betrayal you're coming to grips with. We are here to help when you need it.

Stay strong.

Greyson posted 4/4/2018 09:32 AM

Sorry, you are here!
But this is not a mistake. She didn't find his penis in her because by some cosmic chance he fell into her. Like seadoug said, she made many decisions to have this happen. She could have made the better decision in any one of a hundred decisions and she didn't.
Even before sex, she was having an affair emotionally.
she told you "we're just friends"
she was having dirty conversations with other men
she knew she was attracted to him
she wanted to see him rather than stay with you over the holiday
she lied about whom she was meeting.
She was communicating with him outside of work.

Then she said he was more forward. But both were sitting, chatting and stroking each other's legs. She was not slapping him, trying to get away. She was just as forward as he was. And she knew he had a girlfriend (who should be told about her slimy boyfriend if possible). No sister code there.

Then she was instantly guilty. Hum! maybe the girlfriend found them and threatened to tell. maybe that's why she confessed to get in front of the story. She had lots of opportunities to feel guilty along the way to sex but didn't. She's not telling you the full story yet. You need to confront her and show her some more serious consequences.

manfromlamancha posted 4/4/2018 09:56 AM

so it's his fault? What the actual fuck.

OK Sewardak, I'll tell you what the actual, real, freakin fuckin fuck it is:

It is not his fault that his wife is a lying cheating whore - no!

But look where the freakin fuck he is - stuck with no job, no respect and trying to stay in a fucked up relationship because of it!!!! Go ask PeriodicZen how it feels!!!

And financial or not, the respect goes down when the man does not work - that's just the way it is. This might change once men start giving birth.

[This message edited by manfromlamancha at 9:58 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

badmemory posted 4/4/2018 10:04 AM

OP,

Although there are no absolutes in cheaters' behavior, there are patterns that are statistically significant. A couple of these patterns you should be aware off.

Being a SAHD increases the likelihood that your wife will cheat. The high proportion of betrayed SAHD's that we see here and on other forums compared to the general population of them, is not a coincidence. Not saying there is anything wrong with being a SAHD, I'm just saying you should be aware of this.

Secondly, it is rare for a spouse to admit to an A, unsolicited. Usually there is a reason other than guilt or regret. It is more likely than not, the cheating spouse does this for one of these two reasons.

One - the spouse is attempting to provoke a divorce.

Two - the spouse strongly feels that you will find out otherwise. Perhaps someone spotted them, the other betrayed spouse found out or the OM/OW threatened to expose them.

It would be a positive if she truly confessed on her own, but just be aware that is probably not the case.

[This message edited by badmemory at 10:09 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

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