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ihs, friends and more than friends... sad week

BobPar posted 4/4/2018 12:21 PM

This week started out tough.
I was chewed out by stbxww for doing things this weekend, that my stbxww would have wanted to do with me when we were married. I had offered reconciliation to a serial cheater and she chose to exit, and reminded her of that. She is so angry. And difficult. But leaving was her choice. It's just that now I agree with it.

A woman I was talking to has me at arms length because we are at different spots. And as much as I could offer more so she would stay, I just don't think we will be compatible and I need to let that idea go. It's tough, she checks SO many of the boxes... So that is some wind out of my sails. She wants more of a commitment to feel safe and open up. I want to be friends and know her more before I open up and commit. I think that is how it looks. I'll leave it like that. It's like free writing/journalling.

Have another friend who is a BS. We were having great discussions and I think we both felt supported. But I felt that I could interfere with her reconciliation process. That has been a hard change.

I am shamed for being in common areas during IHS even though I try to stay away from stbxww. I am dictated to and she uses her anger to emotionally threaten me (would take a long description, but like shooting an arm with the speed of a punch across by body to grab something rather than ask me to hand it. It is the aggressiveness). But when I have gone out during times she has had the kids (eg stbxww family Easter dinner), I was berated for not being at home for them in case there was an emergency or something. I didn't quite get what that was all about. Control? So angry. Narc?

I am grappling with lonely. I have family, friends and SI. I'm getting my strength back now. But I'm not fully there.

[This message edited by BobPar at 12:25 PM, April 4th, 2018 (Wednesday)]

devotedman posted 4/4/2018 12:36 PM

BobPar, it is the IHS and impending split. She's angry and since she's angry her coping mechanism is to be a shit to you.

Don't worry about it. There is nothing that you can do that will be okay because she will find fault with everything that you do. No matter what it is, she will find fault with it.

And, since she's angry, her aggressiveness is ramped up. Witness her reaching across for things. There is absolutely nothing that you can do about this (IMHO) because you prevent her from acting a certain way. All that you can do is avoid it by being other places. So, if you're gone for two hours to give her space, well, yeah she's going to yell when you come back -but- that is two hours that you weren't yelled at.

Here's a fist-bump and hoping for a speedy end to your IHS }{

BobPar posted 4/4/2018 17:56 PM

-but- that is two hours that you weren't yelled at.

Here's a fist-bump and hoping for a speedy end to your IHS }{

Thanks devotedman

MadOldBat posted 4/5/2018 16:52 PM

I hear you Bob.
IHS (by necessity) long term for me.
It can be shitty, I know.
I absolutely shut myself in my office.
I don't want to look at him.
.....and I definitely do NOT want him looking at me.

DigitalSpyder posted 4/5/2018 17:30 PM

That's tough Bob. I'm iHS as well. Though, thankfully, she and I are rarely around at the same time. My DS is 14 and he doesn't want to hang out with her, and she never plans anything with him anyways, too busy with the OM, so I don't have to deal with her berating me for not living up to her expectations.

Try and get out with some friends. Even if its a poker night or just a go to the movies night. Get out of there when possible! Take the kids to play dates or something. It'll help.

Marz posted 4/5/2018 18:18 PM

This week started out tough.
I was chewed out by stbxww for doing things this weekend, that my stbxww would have wanted to do with me when we were married. I had offered reconciliation to a serial cheater and she chose to exit, and reminded her of that. She is so angry. And difficult. But leaving was her choice. It's just that now I agree with it.

Hard 180 and you walk away when she starts any shit.

It's nothing to you now.

shakentocore posted 4/6/2018 06:00 AM

Start carrying a voice activated recorder (VAR) with you and keep it on. She may be at the point where she will do anything, including lying to the police, to get you out.

BobPar posted 4/6/2018 13:05 PM

Thanks for all of your responses!
She is definately getting nastier and I think she is back to seeing the last AP. DigitalSpyder, I keep hoping for her to fall madly in love with him so she'll spend more time out. And secretly I would love to see her with another serial cheater. Does that make me a bad person...
shakentocore,I need to get new batteries for my VAR today. MadOldBat, I've been locking myself in my room a lot. But trying to balance that with being available for the kids.

Hard 180 and you walk away when she starts any shit.
It's nothing to you now.

Thanks Marz. It really isn't. It's interesting in that it has become a math problem more than anything now.

[This message edited by BobPar at 1:06 PM, April 6th, 2018 (Friday)]

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