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Qualities you see in couples who don''t cheat

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parent4 posted 4/6/2018 13:58 PM

Though it's nearly impossible to determine fidelity, what are the qualities displayed by couples you believe to be faithful?

Marriagesucks posted 4/6/2018 14:14 PM

)1 Never hiding the phone or being secretive...

RockstarDad posted 4/6/2018 14:14 PM

Not a lot of egos invilved by either husband or wife. Dress ok but not into looking "Gucci or lots of makeup. Don't brag. Down to earth. Both parents involved with kids. Religious but not in your face with it. Successful careers but not all about there careers, good work/life balance. Not rich but not poor and they work for there money. Always doing stuff they like both by themselves and together. No drama in there life and little in extended family.

AnyWhoX posted 4/6/2018 14:16 PM

They really talk and communicate about everything. The connectedness that comes from that seems to be impenetrable cement.

If you think about it, you have to like each other and carve out time to talk and communicate. You have to know how to resolve conflict, have empathy etc to have meaningful communication. Couples that can do those things and navigate around all the pulls of daily life have a definite advantage when it comes to closing marital vulnerabilities for infidelity.

OwningItNow posted 4/6/2018 14:16 PM

They don't date or marry.

OwningItNow posted 4/6/2018 14:18 PM

Just kidding. I honestly have no clue. Some of the most dysfunctional people I know haven't cheated. But they have been weighed down by other drama.

I don't want those relationships either.

Stevesn posted 4/6/2018 15:46 PM

They actively work at their marriage, thinking more about their spouses needs than their own. When they find their own needs are not being met, they pursue discussions on how to help improve the situation instead of holding grudges and looking to fulfill them elsewhere.

They communicate often, and realize sometimes that connection takes physical strength especially when you are each tired from a full days effort at work and with kids.

They realize that not one person in this world would be able to make every moment fireworks for them and that just because the day to day responsibilities tend to get in the way of romance, they still consistantly show they cherish the person they have bonded with thru marriage.

Hephaestus2 posted 4/6/2018 16:08 PM

There is no surefire way to prevent an affair.

However, I alone am responsible for keeping myself faithful.

If I had to pick one way to inoculate a marriage against infidelity I would suggest being a stickler about being honest with each other, especially about your attractions to other people. It's not who you lie with, it's who you lie to, etc. Being sexually attracted to people is natural. Being honest about it may be difficult but it helps to diffuse potential problems. That's the conclusion of Peggy Vaughan in "The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, Third Edition Jan 27, 2003"

I'm with Ms Vaughan all the way, may she rest in peace.

folio44 posted 4/6/2018 17:08 PM

Those couples communicate well and are not afraid to address the hard stuff, my brother and his wife are brutally honest with each other and I admire that.

I have to say I shut up much too often pre-infidelity, WH is a conflict avoider and I gave in to that to keep the peace. Not a good thing to do.

No one knows that WH cheated for 3 years so on the surface we look like a couple who hasn't had to deal with this shit.

sewardak posted 4/6/2018 17:12 PM

"Being sexually attracted to people is natural. Being honest about it may be difficult but it helps to diffuse potential problems."

while I appreciate this, it would break my heart if we had a conversation where he admitted this. While i know, logically, it must happen, it would make me feel inferior. i can't do that anymore. none. just how about don't find other people attractive?

Hephaestus2 posted 4/6/2018 17:28 PM

>> just how about don't find other people attractive?<<

If you figure out how to do that, please let me know.

>> just how about don't find other people attractive?<<

Not even Sophia Loren? I dunno. I could give it a go, I suppose.

TXtransplant posted 4/6/2018 17:40 PM

They put the marriage first always. They donít take each other for granted. Lots of affection. They are realistic and set goals and both partners work to achieve the goals. They are united in parenting and making household decisions. United on finances. They keep their promises, oaths, vows.

Hephaestus2 posted 4/6/2018 17:53 PM

>>>> just how about don't find other people attractive?<<

Men (but not women) have libidos? I fell for that once. I'm not falling for it again.

Seriously. For thirty years, my ex swore up and down that she NEVER found other men attractive. Never. No way. Not her. Uh uh.

secondtime posted 4/6/2018 18:14 PM

Men (but not women) have libidos? I fell for that once. I'm not falling for it again.

Seriously. For thirty years, my ex swore up and down that she NEVER found other men attractive. Never. No way. Not her. Uh uh.

Well, I'll tell you what. I'm a 42 year old woman. I'm up for sex pretty often.

But I don't look at other men.

Know why? When I'm walking down the street I'm
1) Reviewing/planning for job 1
2) Review/planning for Job 2
3) Thinking about my graduate courses
4) Thinking about all the stuff that needs to be done with regards to my 4 kids
5) Thinking that maybe I should go see the dentist since it's been a while, etc
6) Thinking about all the stuff that needs to be done for the house

Google "Women and Mental Load"

Seriously, I don't even have time to waste watching tv. I watch 1 hour of tv once every 3 weeks. If I have down time, I'm not going to spend it oogling at men. I'd rather spend that down time on hobbies.

honesttoafault posted 4/6/2018 18:15 PM

There is one main quality that I feel that people who don't cheat have: they feel it's wrong and won't do it. They decide NOT to cheat even when there is opportunity. PERIOD

Many people have had temptations, are in horrendous marriages, abused, neglected, married to a horrible person, the list can go on, and these people don't cheat.

Even in so-called "good" marriages where supposedly the couple has good communication, etc. infidelity can occur.

secondtime posted 4/6/2018 18:18 PM

The qualities that prevents couples from dealing with infidelity:

1) the ability to communicate
2) the ability to have iron-clad boundaries


My husband and I, on the surface, have all the good qualities that would guard us from not cheating.

We both have the same socioeconomic background, we are both hard working, we both have the same views on money, sex, parenting, education, religion, what it means to be a good person..blah blah blah

We have goals. We did everything "right."

The only thing my husband didn't do was communicate with me and he has shit boundaries.

Hephaestus2 posted 4/6/2018 18:33 PM

secondtime wrote >>I'm up for sex pretty often. But I don't look at other men.<<

I have no reason to doubt you, secondtime. No doubt you are a very busy person.

However, I am 60 and have been dating women in that age range for several years. I have been unable to detect any diminution in their libidos. They may be oogling or not oogling. I can't say much about oogling but with or without oogling there is no diminution.

Believe me.

shiloe posted 4/6/2018 18:39 PM

There is one main quality that I feel that people who don't cheat have: they feel it's wrong and won't do it. They decide NOT to cheat even when there is opportunity. PERIOD

^^^this

Infidelity is like cancer it can strike all demographics, nationalities, personalities, sexual orientations, etc.

Certain traits are better than others, but not a guarantee.

Even preachers and pastors cheat.

[This message edited by shiloe at 6:40 PM, April 6th (Friday)]

W3IRZ posted 4/6/2018 18:42 PM

We had a great pre-a marriage. My husband pretty much exhibits all the traits of a non cheater. Why I know neither of us will ever cheat (again) is because we see how destructive it is. Neither of us will even go near the edge of the slope. We are brutally honest with each other and our marriage comes first. But Iíll tell you this. Anyone who knew us pre-a would have thought we had a marriage where someone wouldnít cheat. Sometimes what seems perfect is an illusion.

OwningItNow posted 4/6/2018 20:08 PM

There is one main quality that I feel that people who don't cheat have: they feel it's wrong and won't do it.

1. How can you know if your spouse is just telling you this or really means it?

2. What about all of the people who don't know themselves very well? They are fine, no issues, slippery slope is a myth--until the minute they are cheating. Many cheaters are in denial, even denying truths to themselves.

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