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Waiting for the poly results

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Dismayed2012 posted 4/11/2018 15:20 PM

Hey Peace. You now know the truth. Know also that you're not required to make any hasty decisions.

Take your time and think about the choices you have before you. One choice might be to continue on in your marriage with no changes. Now imagine the worst thing that might result from that choice. Perhaps that your WH might keep cheating on and lying to you about other women. Is that something you can happily live with? The opposite choice might be to divorce. Imagine the worst thing that might result from that. It could be that you'd need to start over and be single for a period of time. Is that something that you can live with. There could be a myriad of variations to your choice. Imagine the worst outcome of each one. What choice is going to eventually bring you the most happiness in life.

Realize that you can only control you; you can't control your WH. Your WH may want to make things right or the success of your decision may need to be based on your participation alone. You have to decide what's in your best interest. If it includes your WH then so be it. If not, then again, so be it. What is best for you?

For now though, you are in mourning; it's normal and expected. Take your time and mourn your loss. Read in the Healing Library about what to expect and read also what others are going through.

The sun will eventually come out and happiness will eventually return. You're going to pull through this. You're as strong as anyone else here. Don't forget that this is only a temporary setback and you may not see it now but you're going to be a better person on the other side of this mountain.

annb posted 4/11/2018 15:20 PM

I'm so sorry, Peace.

As hard as it is, you need to accept that he will not give you the truth, you cannot have a marriage built on lies and continued deception.

You need to find a way to detach. You cannot change him.

Shockedmom posted 4/11/2018 15:56 PM

(((Peace)))

Iím so sorry. He isnít being honest with you. This was a different poly service correct?

mharris posted 4/11/2018 16:09 PM

I am so sorry.

What questions did he fail?

Peace123 posted 4/11/2018 17:07 PM

Oh my. Haven't stopped crying. Will be asking him to leave tonight. The other truths I think he is not telling me: how long the affair went on, how many times they actually had sex, if there were others before her.

I am so heartbroken he couldn't just tell me the truth. I could have dealt with the truth.

twisted posted 4/11/2018 17:11 PM

When the prove to you they can't be trusted, you should believe them.

Chrysalis123 posted 4/11/2018 17:13 PM

I'm so sorry Peace.

Now you know, an now you can create a future having all the facts -because he has been robbing you of the complete truth for a long time.

Greeneyesbluezy posted 4/11/2018 17:13 PM

I am so sorry, Peace.

I never went this route so i donít have much advice to give, but wanted to lend my support and thoughts.

I hate to say it, but sometimes the first time you are caught, is not the first time you cheated. I think itís a big reason why polys are failed. But, maybe he is just afraid of giving you details of this affair. Who knows, only he knows.

Please take care of yourself.

((()))

OneLittleVictory posted 4/11/2018 20:20 PM

Even if he did pass, it still wouldn't necessarily mean he was telling the truth.

PricklePatch posted 4/12/2018 00:08 AM

I am sorry Peace your going through this. Drink lots of water.

Peace123 posted 4/12/2018 05:15 AM

So, the things he said he lied on: three places they had sex that he didn't want to tell me:

Once in his car - because then I would never be able to ride in that car again

Once in his office - because he knew how much it would hurt for me to go in his office.

Once at a conference - because he knew I would never trust him to go to a conference again.

Of course all of those were assumptions, and I still had the right to the full truth. And of course I still have no way of knowing if this is the full truth. He swears it is, and says we will never be able to move on if I keep picking and digging at the details of the past.

I don't know. Is that true? Does anyone ever get the full truth of everything that happened in the affair? He's given me full access to everything now, and we are in counseling. So should I just accept the truth I have and focus on the future? I do believe this was his one and only affair, and I do believe he won't do it again.

Wool94 posted 4/12/2018 05:32 AM

He swears it is, and says we will never be able to move on if I keep picking and digging at the details of the past.

I don't know. Is that true? Does anyone ever get the full truth of everything that happened in the affair? He's given me full access to everything now, and we are in counseling. So should I just accept the truth I have and focus on the future? I do believe this was his one and only affair, and I do believe he won't do it again.

Peace123, you're breaking my heart. Gently, who cares if he moves on?

He has to give you a reason to believe him. He hasn't done that yet.

My wife had 2 affairs. She would have taken the second one to her grave had I not accidentally stumbled upon her text messages to the other guy.

So why is he now admitting to more stuff? Does he willingly answer every question?

How much more of this can you take?

Obviously only you can decide what you need to do.

Polygraphs are expensive. Is he worth having to continually drag him to the test, time and time again?

You are probably like many of us and need every sordid detail.

You know what? If that's what you need, tell him to suck it up and do the right thing or get out.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:33 AM, April 12th (Thursday)]

annb posted 4/12/2018 05:36 AM

Why wouldn't he "confess" prior to the polygraph?

He knew he failed once, and he walked in there knowing full well he was going to lie again.

He needs to give you the entire truth as painful as it might be.

You will never know the truth about all the conversations they had, etc, but the big things....a necessity to rebuild. Where they had sex is a big thing. There very likely is more he is not telling you. He's in CYA mode right now IMO.

Freeme posted 4/12/2018 05:42 AM

You might want to send him packing with two things. Joseph's Letter - found in the Healing Library under articles is a letter written by a betrayed spouse that talks about being willing to forgive and work on the marriage but needed to know what they are forgiving. Many people have cut and pasted it and incorporated their own words into it and given it to their WS.

Also, I know How to help your spouse heal goes into how you can't begin to heal from the affair if you still don't have all of your questions answered.

You can see if either of these things wakes him up.

Bobbi_sue posted 4/12/2018 05:50 AM

Does anyone ever get the full truth of everything that happened in the affair? He's given me full access to everything now, and we are in counseling. So should I just accept the truth I have and focus on the future?

Actually, this is what I did and it worked out well for me! I find it somewhat off-putting how much effort many put into the idea that everything will be okay if they "get the whole truth." Nobody gets the whole truth. Those who THINK they have it are telling themselves the biggest lie of all.

I don't even think lie detector tests are 80% accurate but that is NOT GOOD odds. And that does not mean I think your H is telling the truth. What it means is that you know the same truth as you did before he took the test: that is you don't know.

My H never gave me many details; whatever rough timeline I have of the A, I figured out on my own piecing things together. Does it matter? Well I'd like to know but my H has a horrible memory. I can accept the good intentions and obvious remorse, going forward, or keep digging for something impossible to get: the full truth.

The way I coped with this, especially early on, was to assume the worst. Yes, assume he had sex with her in the car, and in the office, for example. But perhaps with that in mind, IF you really still want to stay with him and work on the M, it might be more important to try to get past the idea you can't go in the car or the office, etc. where they might have did it. Easier said than done, I know, but this is something to really think about. Assume he did those things in those places. The TRUTH is definitely WORSE than what you know! Accept that, and THEN make your decision, do you want to be with this man, or not? You are still allowed to say you are done and get a D. But if you think, going forward, he can be a good H and you can have some trust, then part of accepting he had an A is accepting the terrible places it occurred and much more.

I know I can be long winded but I do really have something you might be able to relate to and it is very different than the advice that encourages you to give up on your M because there are two d-days and he failed a lie detector test. What happened before is NOT the only consideration! What is happening now and what you see for the future is just as important if not more so!

Early on, when I asked my H about sex with the whore, he said that it did not happen during our M. He KNEW that I did NOT believe him and with some of the details of his A, nobody would have believed him since he definitely had the time alone where it could have happened, and had admitted to cheating with this same woman 25 years earlier, when married to his first wife (and yes having sex at that time).

So I tried every way imaginable to trick him into changing his story or admitting he did the nasty with her. He did not get defensive. I believe his attitude was that if I didn't believe him, he understood why and there was no point in arguing. He came to understand that I was more upset that he had said ILY to her (which he admitted). If I had a choice of the lesser of two, I guess I would rather he boinked her, than said that.

At this point in life, I do believe him that he didn't have sex with her because of certain other things I know, and his consistency without being defensive, just trying to answer my questions.

Most details he does NOT remember. He has never told me places where they met up. I do know that MOST of their relationship was talking on the phone but when I asked what they talked about, the best answer I got was "just stupid shit."

So I decided to try R ASSUMING they DID have sex and that everything was far worse than what I knew. In 12 years, I have found out bits and pieces on my own outside investigations, but nothing earth shattering or contrary to what he told me. It is what it is. I don't regret going forward with my H and I trust him far more than I would trust any new person I might end up with if this marriage should end.


[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 5:56 AM, April 12th (Thursday)]

jb3199 posted 4/12/2018 06:08 AM

So should I just accept the truth I have and focus on the future? I do believe this was his one and only affair, and I do believe he won't do it again.

Not trying to be harsh here, but why do you believe that he won't do it again? Is it because of his grief from the fallout, or do you believe that it is because the pain that he has put you through?

I'm a fan of reconciliation....if that is what both partners are seeking....but ONLY if you are starting from a base of total honesty. Unlike Bobbie_sue's situation, you are not dealing with a sincere partner with a poor memory---you are dealing with a partner that is still willing to withhold and lie to his BS for his own protection. Can he break through that wall? I would surely hope that he could. Should you ignore it and attempt to reconcile anyway? That is your decision to make, but it wouldn't fit my definition of reconciliation.

If my partner can't be honest with me now, why would I believe that they could be honest with me in the future?

ChamomileTea posted 4/12/2018 06:23 AM

....says we will never be able to move on if I keep picking and digging at the details of the past.

What cheaters fail to understand is that it's not about rubbing their nose in their own dirt. It's about KNOWING that no matter what you ask or how you ask it, no matter how uncomfortable, embarrassing, or problematic the answer is... the person with whom you've chosen to share your life with will consistently give you The Truth. It's about Honesty.

Post-betrayal, this isn't just a building block. It's the very FOUNDATION upon which the new relationship must be built. It's not about the answers. It's about his sincere willingness to provide them... the foundation of new trust.

Bobbi_sue posted 4/12/2018 07:05 AM

JB3199 made some good points...

Not trying to be harsh here, but why do you believe that he won't do it again? Is it because of his grief from the fallout, or do you believe that it is because the pain that he has put you through?

I think it sometimes hard to tell the difference, but it was evident that my H truly felt horrible about WHAT HE DID TO ME and to OUR M. Only you know if this is the case in your situation, or you may not know fully until more time passes.


Unlike Bobbie_sue's situation, you are not dealing with a sincere partner with a poor memory---you are dealing with a partner that is still willing to withhold and lie to his BS for his own protection.
I think all humans do this, tell a story differently to a different audience, withhold certain things to protect themselves, or to what they perceive as damage control; it is not a unique thing for a WS. BS do it too but I feel most on this forum are not willing to acknowledge this is a human thing, not just a WS thing.

I feel you need to be cautious going forward, is he transparent as you say, at this time? I think early on, it is important to act like you believe everything he says, then if he is lying, he will let his guard down and you will catch him. If he is being transparent, then he is not going to get angry when you check something he did not really expect you to check, for example. There are a lot of signs to look for, and I actually feel these signs are more reliable than lie detector tests; we just need to learn to read them. Many of us (me included) blinded ourselves to obvious red flags before we found out about the A; we have to make sure don't allow that to happen again.

But I think it is perfectly fine to watch him going forward, and right now, more so than focusing what is done and can't be changed (and he might still be trying to hide some of it; again just assume the truth is worse than anything you know already!)

Have a plan for yourself; if you find out he is definitely still lying about what he is DOING NOW and plans to do, such as visiting dating sites, flirting with women through texts, whatever, what are YOU GOING TO DO? You need to set boundaries for yourself and have a plan.

tushnurse posted 4/12/2018 07:21 AM

(((P123)))

I know this is incredibly hard, but this happened for a reason, for you to know that in your heart he isn't capable of doing what you need for him to be a safe and equal partner.

He swears it is, and says we will never be able to move on if I keep picking and digging at the details of the past.

Yah... See he is still making it about him, and protecting himself, instead of protecting you. This statement alone should give you strength in knowing that you are done, and you have done all you could. It is up to him, to own his past, and do the work to fix it. This is not something that you just move on from, this is something that requires a metric shit ton of work to heal and rebuild from. He isn't willing to do the work.

Protect yourself.

We are here for you.
(((And Strength)))

sewardak posted 4/12/2018 07:35 AM

" we will never be able to move on if I keep picking and digging at the details of the past."

and that, my friend, would be the dealbreaker for me. he won't give it to you straight, even though he could. you can assume the worst, but if he is truly in recovery with you, he'll hand it to you on a silver platter. he's not.

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