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Waiting for the poly results

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Bobbi_sue posted 4/15/2018 10:35 AM

there can also be examiners who simply aren't as good as others.

And how do we determine how "good" an examiner is? Years of experience? Recommendations? Seems like a nice "honest" person? There is no way to even test the track record of an examiner since there is no way to prove whether the test was right or wrong. I think there are lots of nice honest, reputable psychics out there too, and some are even recommended and have years of experience. I don't happen to believe in the science behind psychics so to me these two ideas and "tools" are somewhat parallel and they do have some limited use for those who BELIEVE in them.

But I'm pretty sure that several government and high security type workplaces don't simply use them because they "hip".
They use this as a tool, not as something to make or break cases, or to "prove" anything. ON SI the term is used all the time indicating this is "proof" whether the person is lying or not. That is just wrong.

And the reason this works to some extent as a tool is the same reason it works to bring about parking lot confessions. The test taker has some belief or fear the test will "know" so they would rather confess before the test than fail it.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 10:40 AM, April 15th (Sunday)]

beenthereinco posted 4/16/2018 14:43 PM

Peace123 knows he has lied and can probably assume that he is still lying. It is up to her if she wants to know for sure what he lied about and really not up to us to tell her that she can't live with that. She knows what she can or can't live with.

Peace123 posted 4/17/2018 11:00 AM

Thank you everyone. You've been very kind. We had one last "amnesty" night where he shared more information with me. And, honestly, they were details that I was probably better off not knowing (specific places they had sex that he previously denied because he knew it would hurt me). They didn't change the overall scope or character of their affair. It was "friends with benefits" quick meaningless sex over the period of a few months. He even offered to take the poly again as he now says he has told me absolutely everything.

But, the truth is, I don't want another one. If there is more to tell, I probably don't need/want to know it. I've chosen to try to reconcile and to base that on his ability to be honest going forward, not in what he did/did not tell me about the affair. And so far he has been completely honest and transparent. I have all of his accounts, etc. and he says he wants an honest relationship too.

Would love all prayers and positive thoughts for our eventual recovery.

sinsof thefather posted 4/17/2018 11:23 AM

Would love all prayers and positive thoughts for our eventual recovery.
Happy to send some your way. I wish you well.

fareast posted 4/17/2018 11:41 AM

Strength to you and your family as you move forward.

notperfect5 posted 4/27/2018 13:47 PM

Peace,

My wife TT for about a year. I scheduled a polygraph and the night before she confessed to having intercourse with him once. Then she took a polygraph and failed it. Then she confessed to two other times.

Later, some of her information wasn't making sense or matching up, so I scheduled a second polygraph. A few days before she confessed to not knowing how many times they had sex, but it was more than 3 and confessed to some other things.

She went to the polygraph and he told her, "Look, if you want to pass, and you aren't sure of the specifics, you need to admit to "Not more than ___ times" or "Not later than ____ date". Bracket what you know to be worst case and confess to that. "Get anything else out that YOU THINK HE WOULD WANT TO KNOW." because when you withhold important information and knowingly deceive your spouse, it may show up on the test.

What happened, I think, is that he knew this information would be important to you. He withheld it and it showed up. He hoped that he could squeak by with most of the truth. But honesty isn't really like that.

My wife dumped a ton of stuff during that polygraph and then passed it. It hurt like hell, the new information, but that was the foundation for rebuilding. I know she might be withholding some stuff, but I feel I have 90% of the truth, and in life you never have 100% of anything. So that is good enough for me.

I recommend you now sign up for affair recovery's online couples course. It's a 13 week course that costs a bit, but the process will really help your spouse realize the extent of the agony he put you through (and is putting you through). I think it will help your recovery.

Take care,

NP5

Peace123 posted 4/27/2018 15:00 PM

@notperect5 - thanks so much for the online course recommendation. I had not heard of it before, and I just looked it up and it looks great. We are in MC right now, but I don't feel like it's been that helpful.

Kamstel posted 4/27/2018 22:56 PM

Wish you nothing but the best of luck

notperfect5 posted 4/30/2018 11:35 AM

Peace,

Your welcome! Tomorrow night is our second week specifically on empathy. Ms. NP5 will be writing a letter where she pretends she is me and will be writing to herself about how horrible the affair has been to me.

She has written some very limited words to me in the past. She has spoken some things and cried and apologized. But this might be the hardest thing she has done (aside from the first polygraph were the administrator said she cried nearly non stop for nearly 3 hours).

The other activity on empathy we have done was a list of things that were lost in the affair. For Ms. NP5 it took the form:

"My affair has cost you your _____ because I _____.

For example, "My affair has cost you your peace of mind because I betrayed your confidence in my good nature"

Ask you spouse to come up with 40 of those and read it to a group.

I had to come up with 20 items:

"Your affair has cost you _____ because you _____."

For example, "Your affair has cost you our solitude when we make love, because I think of him doing the thing we only used to do alone."

or

"Your affair has cost you your closeness with your daughter because she now knows you promised you would never betray me as you were cheating on me at the time."

It's a very painful and therapeutic thing to do.

The whole course, as a whole, can drag out all those skeletons and, in a process that is controlled and systematic, examine them. While it won't get rid of those skeletons, I do think it makes it all less poisonous and scary.

I just can't imagine going through this course and ever wanting to commit adultery again. It is agonizing for everyone, but very helpful.

NP5

notperfect5 posted 4/30/2018 11:47 AM

Peace,

One more thing. MC, I don't think, helps with affairs. I think an affair kills a marriage. Also, a hurting or dysfunctional marriage is a symptom of one or two broken spouses. An affair is an act of one spouse, not two.

MC's are skilled at having two people come together better in a more kind or considerate or healthy fashion. This kind of medicine is not at all helpful for a betrayal and the selfishness of a single person. I do think it is unhelpful for a victim of adultery to be in MC. It can certainly cause horrible damage, as in my case where my wife made the counseling all about my faults or our issues as a couple as she continued on screwing the OM month after month.

So I recommend stopping the MC and doing the affair recovery course. And, of course, keep posting here.

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