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allspent posted 4/20/2018 16:23 PM

BUT...do you think it would do YOU some good to at least get this part done?

Get her out so you can get space and her literally out of your face?

I think it would. One thing that browsing forums and such has helped me with was to get over a lot of the initial crap we try when cheated on, like the "pick me dance", the "what did I do to cause this" thinking, and so on. I was just reading over the 180 plan, and I think space would be good for me.

I balk at the idea a little because it means hardship for my daughter, and she's not old enough to understand what's happening. She'll just know she has to split time between mom and dad, and that sucks because she thrives with both of us. But I've come to accept that there's no solution that doesn't bring her some hardship, and that it's my wife's fault.

Marz posted 4/20/2018 16:34 PM

The only "rule" of mine that she's really agreed to is to not have sex with him while we're working through this. I'm reasonably confident she's holding to that, at least for now. But they message each other constantly, she sends selfies of herself from our family outings, and she sees him twice a week (he's her personal trainer).

Not a chance she's stopped. The affair is ongoing and you have put yourself firmly in limbo by your lack of actions.

Living in fear will just lower your status even more while it makes her other man look stronger/better.

Inform the other mans wife/gf.

Marz posted 4/20/2018 16:36 PM

What would your thoughts be of a friend or close relative living with a wife knowing she is having an affair with her lover?

goalong posted 4/20/2018 16:37 PM

Hope your interests and welbeing like job and working out, being happy with daughter is going on well without much difficulty. You are on your own now. Detach from WW in every way.

manfromlamancha posted 4/21/2018 11:16 AM

Really sorry to have you here. I am very familiar with Northern and Central Europe. Central Europe to me is one of the Germanic countries or just maybe Belgium.

I have seen a case in Austria with a British dad and Austrian mum having it out and like you said, she got custody. However, he did progress it through the EU legal system, and the original decision got overturned but temporary custody still remained with the mother. And as you say, by the time it is resolved the kid might well be an adult. Also we are exiting from the union and I am not sure if this case will still be upheld. Germany is similar and Switzerland is worse!

In any case, I would definitely let the the other betrayed spouse know. For a few reasons. First it will put a strain on the affair. Second it is the right thing to do morally. And third, she will be an extra source of info and monitoring for you.

Good luck.

Smillie posted 4/21/2018 11:32 AM

Just divorce her and be as nice as you can to get joint custody. She sounds horrible. You donít want this woman in your life. Her personal trainer will cheat on her anyway....thatís what most of them do.

Cooley2here posted 4/21/2018 12:11 PM

I think we all need to take his word for it that he knows what he is talking about. I know two women who married men from the Middle East. The men were here in the states and declared they were going to apply for citizenship. Somewhere along the way they decided they preferred their country of origin took their children with them and their ex-wives have never seen their children again. It happens. The problem is his child is still too young to understand if her dad disappeared for a period of time.
If you can find someway to live separately from your wife and share equitably in custody at some point your daughter will be old enough to understand if you leave. This means giving yourself about five more years of living that way. I am torn about you letting the other spouse know. If she finds out and blows up her marriage that allows the AP and your wife to get together and at some point you might be shut out of your daughterís life. Given time he might get tired of the affair and move on. Whoís to say. Most of the time separation and divorce are somewhat black and white but your issue is strictly gray. I think you need to proceed with all caution in whatever you do based on the age of your child and the customs of the country. I donít know why those of us in the United States assume that the rest of the world thinks the way we do. Some countries are patriarchal and some matriarchal. It always, always screws up the kids. I hate for this to happen to your daughter.

Adlham posted 4/21/2018 13:02 PM

Any chance at dual-citizenship for your daughter and getting around the courts that way?

It's likely a long-shot, but if there's an embassy there from your country of origin, you might reach out to them to see if there's any recourse available to you.

It never, ever hurts to ask. Arm yourself with knowledge. It's better to be told no than to do nothing because while they may be unable to help but they may have a direction for you to go.

I wish you the very best. I wish I had better words of wisdom for you.

NuckingFuts posted 4/21/2018 15:21 PM

Any chance at dual-citizenship for your daughter and getting around the courts that way?
It's likely a long-shot, but if there's an embassy there from your country of origin, you might reach out to them to see if there's any recourse available to you.

It never, ever hurts to ask. Arm yourself with knowledge. It's better to be told no than to do nothing because while they may be unable to help but they may have a direction for you to go.

I wish you the very best. I wish I had better words of wisdom for you.

He's already answered this. Wife and child have dual US/Hell citizenship but Hell courts have jurisdiction due to length of residency.

oldtruck posted 4/21/2018 17:23 PM

He needs to tell the OMW.

And sad to say she is still having sex with the OM.

redhorse posted 4/21/2018 17:51 PM

considering your situation and your sense of limbo, telling the woman who is the partner of your wife's lover is probably the best thing you can do.

So I would just do it, and sit back and see where things go. It will give you some power over the situation

Freeme posted 4/21/2018 18:11 PM

Just throwing this out there. You say that she would get 100% custody but that the affair would make a difference in how much money you had to give her. Would she be able to support your child and herself with the money she would get from the divorce? Would you be able to negotiate more custody for more support? I realize this sounds bad... like you are paying to have visits with your child but... This trapped situation is horrible it's not healthy for you or your child and it will only get worse.

ChamomileTea posted 4/21/2018 18:31 PM

The guy she's cheating with, who has a child, just assumes he's leaving his child behind in order to pursue their relationship.

That's their Achilles Heel. Your WW might be mistaken about that. If you're powerless as a father, so is the OM. And if your wife has all the say in family life... so does his.

It's risky. That said, it's also the moral thing to do in terms of what's fair to the OM's betrayed wife. She appears to be the only one who doesn't know what's going on.

I'd also consider visiting the U.S. Embassy and seeing if there's any assistance at all they can offer. Probably a long-shot, but who knows.

ICaughtThem posted 4/21/2018 19:28 PM

What happens if she is the one that decides to file for divorce? Aren't you equally screwed in that instance as well?

You should tell the OM's W or GF and also out him to the gym's management. It's the right thing to do. Also, you both need to be tested for Sexually Transmitted Diseases, since who knows how many other clients the POSOM has slept with.

What are the odds of all of you moving back to the US if your W loses her job?

hardtotake posted 4/21/2018 19:52 PM

In many cases, telling the POSOM's partner is a sure fire way to end the affair. She deserves to know.

Adlham posted 4/21/2018 21:13 PM

Ah, thanks NF. I must have missed that. I was half asleep.

My kids are eligible but we have to file paperwork, so I wasn't sure.

Squishies posted 4/21/2018 21:49 PM

I'm sorry you have to be here and I'm sorry you have so few options because you don't want to lose your daughter. I tend to think my WH's first OW husband stays with her for their child too, which is complicated seeing as how I've just found out their child might be my WH's.
Please know you're heard and I hope you find the support here that you need. I hope that waiting it out gets you joint custody with your child.

cgiles posted 4/22/2018 07:23 AM

What I will advise will sound absurd, out of mind, but why don't you fly back to us with your daughter, get a home and job lined up before leaving, so you establish residency there, and then file for divorce there ?

It would ask you to be a spy for make it without her realising it

Does this country signed Vienna international accord about child custody ?

If yes it would be in your interest.


I thought you was in Japan at first...

[This message edited by cgiles at 7:23 AM, April 22nd (Sunday)]

nme1 posted 4/22/2018 08:14 AM

Have you been to the US Embassy or Consulate to find out how they handle custody issues. And if you and your daughter should return to the US, does the US have any treaties with the Central European country? I'm not suggesting you kidnap your child, but it pays to know all your options.

I agree with the others about informing the OBS. That has a way of forcing things out of fantasy land.

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