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Fiance[F26] just admitted to cheating on me[M26]

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Lostdad619 posted 4/23/2018 10:16 AM

I was advised to post this here for advice. This happened yesterday. My son[M3] and I have been staying with family.

We have been together over 5 years now but we have been having some issues for a little while. The stress seems to mostly come from our financial situation, busy schedules, and her mother that lives with us. It has led to both of us being a bit quick to anger and not thinking of each other first.

Our big issues: We are on the absolute wire financially. We just beat back the bank from taking our house. She works in the medical field and goes in early and comes out late and inconsistently. This is accentuated by the fact that we can't keep a second car running so I have to do the driving.

I work as an on call technician to allow me to be home with our son. Her mother is supposed to watch him when I have to go on a call, but usually can't be bothered. Her mother has now been living with for the last ~1yr and a half. She moved in with the agreement to be available so I could work and that it would be just while she finds a new home. We've moved down to her only being available 2 days a week, which we still can't get her for reliably, and is supposed to pay rent. That hasn't happened either.

Today we got into a fight about the dogs. This then rolled into our other big topics and finally seemed to at least get us on the same page. We were both upset that the other one doesn't consider them in their decisions and don't spend enough time with each other. It was good, we had it all on the table and how we could focus on working on it.

She then lays it on me that she had cheated on me with a co-worker. It was something I had suspected but I had trusted her. She profusely apologized about it. I shut down. I didn't know what to say or do. I was in a horrible fight between my head yelling to run and my heart telling me to work out.

This was my rock. The belief that through all the bad we to through that the one thing we didn't have to worry about was each other. I come from a harsh background of being used in relationships and it took me a long time to give out my trust again.

This wasn't a stupid drunken fling, I could have handled that, it was a premeditated and chosen act. It wasn't just a mistake.

I am at a loss as to how move forward. She means everything to me but I don't think I can trust her ever again. I will always be left wondering and worrying. I accept that is my damage that makes me like this but it doesn't change how I feel.

I want my son to have his parents with him. I don't want him growing up like we did in seperated homes. What can I do to make things better for everyone?

TLDR: Fiance told me today that she had made the choice to cheat on me. I already had trust issues. I don't know how to move forward.

stayedforthekids posted 4/23/2018 10:35 AM

Iím sorry youíre going through this. You know this isnít your fault, right? Money, stress, or anything you did or didnít do was not the cause for her choice to cheat. Itís not your fault and you cannot control her actions or choices.

Too many betrayed people focus on the cheater. Fog, FOO issues, narcissism, or other bullshit. Piss on the cheater. My advice would be to figure out what you want. See if her betrayal is something you can come to accept. Focus on healing the damage sheís caused. Try not to drag the baggage she just handed you into your next relationship. Reconciliation is very hard and the outcome is uncertain and somewhat out of your control. Certain aspects of your relationship will be forever changed. Seriously take sometime to figure out what you want to do and how you want to live your life.

Honestly, IMO you dodged a bullet. You donít have to go through the bullshit of a divorce.

LivingWithPain posted 4/23/2018 10:49 AM

TLDR: Fiance told me today that she had made the choice to cheat on me. I already had trust issues. I don't know how to move forward.

Easy. Break up with her and ask for the ring back. Have a lawyer draft up a 50/50 custody agreement. Sell the house and get out from under that note.

She is not a good candidate for marriage. You and her can learn to be good co-parents.

Jduff posted 4/23/2018 11:05 AM

Lostdad619, so very sorry for your situation. May I ask how old you and your wife are?

It is an unfortunate to suffer from your spouses infidelity, but you are very fortunate to find a place like this for support and guidance. Know that no matter the situation in and surrounding the relationship, cheating is never the result of it nor the accepted way to fix anything. Yes, she made a choice to cheat. A very selfish choice to escape into another relationship instead of working to improve the one she already has with you. She had actually contributed to the worsening of the situation at your home by diverting her time and resources away from you and the M (marriage) and toward her fantasy, her A (affair). If she wants to stay in the M then she is going to have to do a LOT of heavy lifting from this point forward becasue you are going to need to heal from this.

I am at a loss as to how move forward.

One step at a time.

Your situation is quite tough and hard enough to juggle all the variables with the MIL (mother in law), finances, your availability for work, raising and supervising your son. I suggest tackling these one by one, starting with the most impactful to the home situation and making changes to the benefit of your son. It appears that your MIL needs to step up or step out. Your wayward wife (WW) needs to own that one and have a heart to heart talk with her mother about contributing more. As for your WW, she needs to find another job ASAP. She cannot work anywhere near the vicinity of her affair partner (AP) if R (reconciliation) is of any possibility. Tell her this. As for you, I HIGHLY suggest you go consult with a D (divorce) attorney to get some info about your rights as a father and husband and knowledge about the D process. This is not to say "file for D now!" but to just get a step or two ahead of the situation for yours and your son's sake. I know money is tight but there are law firms that will give free 30 minute consults. Go visit as many as you can find and that time allows.

Your WW needs to provide you with a timeline of her A for starters. You need to know if her A is still occuring or not and she needs to tell you who the AP is and how they've been in contact. Check your cell phone bill and see if there is a particular number that keeps showing up on the call and text logs more than any other.

If you look to the left of this page you should see a "Library" link. This has a LOT of helpful information for you to read and help you prepare for your journey out of infidelity. I will help you get started with one of the FAQ topics you will probably be most concerned about -

"What do I do when WS works with OP"
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ3

beenthereinco posted 4/23/2018 11:13 AM

Sorry mispost

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 11:16 AM, April 23rd (Monday)]

stayedforthekids posted 4/23/2018 11:22 AM

Jduff, do you even read the posts bro?

Their ages and marital status are in the post topic.

Jduff posted 4/23/2018 11:32 AM

I think I did what beenthereinco may have done, looking at two posts at the same time.

Lostdad619, I didn't read where she is your fiance. You should still see an attorney about the custody.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/23/2018 13:22 PM

DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. At least not now.

You are going to be on an emotional rollercoaster for the foreseeable future, that is all normal.

Take care of the basics: drink water, eat healthy food, get some sleep (the best you can), get in some physical activity.

None of those normal stressors of a long-term relationship (house, mom in the house, car troubles, young child, etc) made her cheat on you. There is nothing that you did or did not do that made her decide to cheat. It's all 100% on her, and do not accept her saying otherwise.

I agree with the advice about seeing a lawyer for advice about your situation. That doesn't mean that you are going to break up, it just means that knowledge is power.

Hang in there, however things turn out for you, you're in for a long ride.

((((Lostdad)))) <-- hugs to you

badmemory posted 4/23/2018 14:07 PM

I want my son to have his parents with him. I don't want him growing up like we did in seperated homes. What can I do to make things better for everyone?

Better to have your son not grow up in a dysfunctional household and have separated, but happy parents - instead of your current situation.

Sounds to me, due to your fiance's sorry @ss mother, you've been relegated to a SAHD. And that makes you all the more subject to be cheated on. We see it too often.

You're not married. That's a plus. Your fiance failed her audition for wife. If she'll cheat when you're engaged, the chances are she'll cheat when your married. And, that my not have been the first time.

I think your best bet would be to move on, get a full time job, and start a new life with someone who can be faithful. You can still be good father.

Your second best choice is to kick her mother out of the house, end the engagement, get a full time job and "consider" R - If she is willing to accept those (and other) consequences and demonstrate remorse. Don't think about marrying her any time soon if it all.

[This message edited by badmemory at 3:28 PM, April 23rd (Monday)]

mouthkeptshut posted 4/23/2018 14:37 PM

What was the extent of the affair?

Lostdad619 posted 4/23/2018 15:57 PM

I don't know exactly how long it lasted but based on what I had saw maybe 1 or 2 months

Marriagesucks posted 4/23/2018 17:38 PM

You are far too young to have a cheating GF and son and MIL all living with you. Are you absolutely sure your son is yours? You can get home dna test kits fairly cheap now. Have him tested. Wait for the results before telling your WW and MIL anything. It may turn out your biggest problem is how fast you can run.

Your MIL is not helping financially? If not why not as she does'nt appear to be able to and/or want to watch your son. If MIL is not contributing why is she there? If she's not helping out then she is hindering. I've had three different in-laws living with me at various times. On the best of days... a hassle; on the worst days... hell on earth. I suspect your MIL may be an enabler for your WW. Kick your MIL out. That's where I would start. If you do be prepared for a very angry wife. Been there done that. I know...easier said than done. It has been said if you wan't to know how your wife will turn out... take a good hard look at her mother. The fruit don't fall far from the tree. Only you can answer that.

Find a good daycare and seek full time work.

[This message edited by Marriagesucks at 5:49 PM, April 23rd (Monday)]

Lostdad619 posted 4/23/2018 17:46 PM

He is definitly mine. We are more worried he's not hers LOL. As for the MiL, she isn't going to be allowed back of we are going to fix anything. And my job is full time, I just only leave when a client calls for service.

Unhinged posted 4/23/2018 21:32 PM

Hello Lostdad619 and welcome to the greatest club no one ever wanted to join. I'm sorry you've had to find us here, but you've come to the right place.

I'd advise you to hold off on the marriage, indefinitely. It may be years before you're ready to take that leap, if you make it that far.

Keep on posting, Lostdad. We're here to help.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:32 PM, April 23rd (Monday)]

Kamstel posted 4/27/2018 08:41 AM

Iím sorry About your Cheating girlfriend.

I strongly suggest you go talk to a lawyer about child support as well as custody.

Could you really ever be with her again after she gave herself to another man repeatedly while supposedly engaged to you?
If you can, good for you.

As for me, I know there is absolutely zero chance I could ever touch or kiss her again.

manfromlamancha posted 4/27/2018 08:47 AM

What (according to her) was her reason for doing this ? And why with this particular person ? And why did she tell you ?

Has it now stopped ? Who ended it ? How did it start/who initiated ?

What exactly did she do ? How many times ? When/where (ever at your house) ? Did she do things with him she did not do with you ? Does she still have feelings for him ? I am guessing they still work together ?

Lostdad619 posted 4/27/2018 09:00 AM

She says that she only slept with him once and it was because she was mad at me and felt that there was nothing left in our relationship anymore.

She does still work with him. But she is quitting, or if available getting transferred. We talked a couple days ago and agreed to try again under the conditions of she can't have any contact with him ever, we're selling the house, and that she gave me back the ring because we would have to start over.

I also expressed to her that the only reason she gets this chance is our son. And if she can't make me feel like we are the only things that really matter to her that it would be over. It isn't easy and I don't know where it'll go but my son is happy to be home with mom and dad.

Tron posted 4/27/2018 11:06 AM

She says that she only slept with him once and it was because she was mad at me and felt that there was nothing left in our relationship anymore.
She does still work with him. But she is quitting, or if available getting transferred. We talked a couple days ago and agreed to try again under the conditions of she can't have any contact with him ever, we're selling the house, and that she gave me back the ring because we would have to start over.

I also expressed to her that the only reason she gets this chance is our son. And if she can't make me feel like we are the only things that really matter to her that it would be over. It isn't easy and I don't know where it'll go but my son is happy to be home with mom and dad.

So this is how she deals with issues when you guys have a problem: "I am mad at him so I am going to go fuck somebody else to make myself feel better."

Sorry bro, she ain't marriage material.

Get on your knees and thank the Lord you aren't married yet. You got off easy with this one. Toss out the anchor (her mom) immediately and move to separate and just co-parent.

Don't even think about going through with marrying. You can do much better.

MrMagnolia posted 4/27/2018 11:17 AM

Lostdad,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I have a couple of questions/suggestions for you to consider. I don't necessarily need an answer

Have you read through the Healing Library?

Specifically about the process of R?

It's not something to be taken likely as it can take many many years to recover from. You both should know what you are signing up for.

It sounds like your WW is blaming you for the A and that's a big red flag she isn't ready to R.

How did she word it to you when she told you?

To you think the intent was to unburden herself from the guilt she was feeling?

Do you think she said it because she was angry and wanted to hurt you?

You said she apologized but then that she only slept with him because she was angry at you. Does that sound like she's taking ownership of her mistakes?

She expressed that she did not think there was anything left in your relationship anymore (this sounds like an excuse for her behavior) but I would still want to grill her on that statement because if she thought that before what's changed now?

Have you considered that she may only want to try and work things out because she doesn't want to be blamed for the end of your relationship?

Could this just be an attempt for her to unburden herself from guilt?

I know some of these questions and considerations are painful to think about but I'm only asking because if you aren't considering these things you may be signing yourself up for a lot more pain without any real chance of getting anything else out of it.

Some of the first steps you have taken are good ones. Keep posting and don't start blaming yourself or letting her blame you. No matter what else happened in your relationship she made numerous incredibly destructive and damaging choices that you did not. Staying together is good for the kid ONLY if you guys can R. IMO it's better to grow up in two (or even just 1/2) stable households than to grow up in one that's completely toxic.


[This message edited by MrMagnolia at 11:22 AM, April 27th (Friday)]

manfromlamancha posted 4/27/2018 11:27 AM

She says that she only slept with him once and it was because she was mad at me and felt that there was nothing left in our relationship anymore.
She does still work with him. But she is quitting, or if available getting transferred. We talked a couple days ago and agreed to try again under the conditions of she can't have any contact with him ever, we're selling the house, and that she gave me back the ring because we would have to start over.

I also expressed to her that the only reason she gets this chance is our son. And if she can't make me feel like we are the only things that really matter to her that it would be over. It isn't easy and I don't know where it'll go but my son is happy to be home with mom and dad.

LostDad, you realise that this is a bullshit answer. People get mad with their partners all the time - the normal response is NOT to go and fuck somebody else to get back at them. There is more to this than just that. She fancied him. He fancied her. One of them initiated. The other responded. And looked for an opportunity to do this (if we are to believe that she did this just the one time which is unlikely). This was planned and premeditated. Who initiated and who ended it is important to know as are all the details of exactly what happened. She is not giving you the whole picture. She may have told you because somebody found out and there was a chance you might have been told before she had a chance to tell you and minimise the damage. There is more to be found out here before you reconcile.

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