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When I thought it was all on the table.. another confession

silentsorrow posted 4/23/2018 11:26 AM

Hi all.

Writing this is very difficult for me and I am thankful I found this forum to vent as this is something very embarrassing to talk about with friends or family.

I have had Dday for the third time yesterday. He confessed all three times. The first time he confessed he slept with someone on Christmas eve because he got drunk and didn't remember how it all unfolded. Yeah right. He told me because I was feeling sick and he was afraid he might have contracted something and passed it on to me. I was left speechless, had no idea he was capable of something like that. I was truly clueless and it felt like a ton of bricks fell on me.

We moved on, I will spare all the confrontation details, the tears (on his part) I was still in shock.
I truly saw remorse in him and willingness to make it up for our family. We have a 3 year old.

A few days later I felt there was still more to the story. Due to the fact that he was very very concerned for our (son and I) well being. He got tested for STds all came back negative but he continued to fear he might have caught something and just would not drop what had happened. He cried daily and apologize and said he felt dirty and that he was not sure about the results that he needed to get retested.

I finally asked him why are you still so worried? He slept with his friend's older sister and she is clean. I asked him what else are you not telling me? after continued denials he finally broke down again and in an angerly mannered (at himself) disclosed to me that he had visited a happy ending place one night that we got in a fight. That he was stupid and that he wasn't thinking straight. That he did not want to be that way. He said the moment he broke down and decided to tell me he had prayed to god to change him, to please make him stop looking at porn and straying. That he had a beautiful family and was being dishonest and deceiving. He said he had never felt so much guilt after that night. This caused him to quit his job as he could not think about anything but the guilt and pain he was causing us.

I told him to leave. I was broken. It felt like I had been punched in the gut once again with more force. Stupid me forgave him in the end because I saw he regretted what he did. He would cry daily, ask for forgiveness repeatedly. He would bring it up constantly worrying I would still need to talk about it.

Fast forward to yesterday. We had planned to move to a different city (2 hours away) and had finally found a rental house that we visited this weekend and it was beautiful, our son was happy. I was hopeful. He wanted to make us happy. After visiting the house we came back to the apartment to start the packing. I was actually looking forward to the change. Until he dropped another one on me.

Since he was still paranoid about having caught something, I remembered he mentioned he had bumped into a friend at that massage place (what a coincidence! how popular are these places.) on the day he went. I asked to ask his friend if he had contracted anything for his peace of mind since he had already gotten tested for everything and it was all negative. At this point and had been getting annoyed at him for being worried every single day and asking me constantly how do you feel?, does anything hurt? are you feeling ok? day after day. It was then when i noticed he said he bumped into him once. So I asked what do you mean once? what are you trying to say? i thought you had only gone once!
He got mad and said I dont know I may have gone a couple times I was pissed off, i dont remember. I asked again and got extremely mad and yelled at him I slapped him hard I felt crushed. My heart was going to jump out of my chest. My little boy was in the living room dancing, I was a mess I could believe how much more I was going to take from this person.

I am BROKEN, once and again, we rented this house just 2 days ago. I was going to leave my job here, start a new life with him and he was not completely honest! I feel like a failure, i'm failing my son by being with this man still. I am alone, no family here, I am afraid and angry and sad and I feel lost. I have to go because I'm at work. Sorry for the typos and for such a messy post. i just needed to get it out of my chest.

I feel horrible.

1Faith posted 4/23/2018 11:41 AM

Dear Silent,

Welcome to SI. We are sorry you are here and had to find this site.

Please be assured you are in a place where people understand the pain and uncertainty you are facing. There are good people here that truly do care and want nothing more than to help you navigate the waters of infidelity and help you get to the other side.

I feel like a failure

You are not a failure. You loved, trusted and forgave. That doesn't make you a failure, it makes you a good person.

There is nothing you did or didn't do that caused your WH to cheat. NOTHING.

His brokenness, his deliberate choices.

Please head up to the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner. Read. A lot of great information there for you to consider.

Don't allow yourself to feel trapped. Please seek out someone IRL (in real life) to tell. Seek support for you and your son.

I am sure there is much more that you still don't know. It's called trickle truth.

Eyes wide open. Fight for you, fight for your truth, fight for your son.

You are more than his lies and inability to be a safe partner to you or a good role model for your son.

(((hugs)))

allusions posted 4/23/2018 12:05 PM

I know you feel like beating him to a bloody pulp for what he's done, but don't. How awful if you wound up going to jail because you slapped him, or it escalated to him hitting you back.

As I was reading your story about his ongoing paranoia regarding your health, I was thinking that perhaps there's more to this, like maybe he's been having sexual contact with men. The bumping into a male friend at the massage place just sounds really off to me. I could be totally wrong about it, but if I were you I'd at least keep my eyes open to that possibility.

Have you gone through his phone and through this computer? Looked at bank and credit card statements? There is much more that he's not telling you.

Oftencheatedon posted 4/23/2018 12:48 PM

Please do not move to the new city unless that's where you really want to live.

As of now you have the right to stay in your city even if you are not able to R. You do not want to be caught in a city where you do not want to be with no job.

There are so many stories here of spouses who have moved to start a new beginning with a WS. If they end up divorced (by their choice or not) many have found themselves stranded, away from friends and family with no job.

Adlham posted 4/23/2018 13:54 PM

I think moving right now would not be in your best interest.

Also, have you been tested for STD's? There is currently no CDC-approved testing for HPV in men. Nor is it routinely screened for because a definitive link to cancer in men has not been established. Cervical cancer in women has been linked thus we are screened and tested with every pap we get.

lostthatlovingfeeling posted 4/23/2018 14:17 PM

Please do not move with him. If you have already signed a contract/lease, talk to the landlord and tell them what has happened and see if you can get out of it, immediately so it doesn't affect your credit.

I don't have any other good advise for you. I wish I did. It's been hard on my end, too hard, in dealing with my own issues with a WS. If I had known all of this, I think I would leave.

mharris posted 4/23/2018 16:42 PM

They can never remember everything, because they tell so many lies, and really, their main objective is to cover their own ass. Most of us BS never really get the entire truth. I would look into breaking the lease, if possible, unless you want to move.

nme1 posted 4/23/2018 17:12 PM

I truly saw remorse in him

A part of being remorseful is being honest, so no, you haven't got that yet. In fact, there's probably a lot more you don't know. You don't pick up an STD from a hand job at the local dodgy massage parlour. Have you been tested? It's not enough to rely on his results because he can't be tested for HPV.

Why did your WH quit his job? I know he gave you some bullshit answer, but why did he really quit. Did he even quit? Maybe he was fired. He certainly wouldn't be the first wayward to lose his job for inappropriate behaviour and lie to his spouse about it.

What your currently getting is trickle truth (TT). He's minimising his actions and drip feeding you with information because he's selfish and wants to protect himself. I'm sorry SS, but I don't think you've got anywhere near the whole story yet.

silentsorrow posted 4/24/2018 09:11 AM

OMG I had just typed a long response with a lot of details and i lost it. I hit preview, then edit and it took me back to my thread.

I will try to do this again...

silentsorrow posted 4/24/2018 10:44 AM

Ok, first of all thank you all for your support and responses. I will try to answer everyone here as there is a lot i did not include in my initial post.

I know I shouldn't have slapped him. I just could not control my anger towards him. I will not do this again as I do not want to stoop to his level.

I don't think he has interest in men (even though at this point I guess anything is possible) I believe the reason he mentioned the bumping into a friend is because this friend is a devoted Christian who plays for the church's band. Maybe he was trying to lessen his blame by telling me this.

We have a joint account for bills and home expenses. We also each have our own checking accounts from when before we met. Neither has access and we have not needed to gain access as there was no reason to. When we were younger early 20's we broke up and on a trip to his country he met someone and he kept contact with her through facebook. We were separated at the time for a few months so I did not think much of it. He deleted her and stopped all contact. After that I began checking his accounts and being paranoid about his phone and texts and it was making me sick, I decided I would never do that again as it was counterproductive and affecting my health. I wanted to live in peace and when we got back together he showed me I had nothing to be concerned about and I trusted him. He never went out with friends, he is a homebody. It was work and back home with us or little trips on the weekends always with us. Anyway, my point is I do not think I want to check his bank records or go through his phone as it will not be beneficial for me, instead it gives me anxiety. I already know he has f**** up and as others have said, most likely there is more to this story that I do not know yet.

The main issue that is concerning me the most right now is that I am stuck with this new lease for the new house. The water and electricity are both under my name. My credit is over 800 and I have always been very responsible with my bills, him not so much. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place as I already had told my current landlord we were leaving at the end of May. Therefore, i feel like I will have to move regardless.

He left to the new house yesterday as we had planned it before Dday 3. He is going to work while he is there until we move completely from the apartment. I wish he would have told me everything before we made such altering life decision. He is such a jerk he has thrown my life upside down and there is nothing I can do to get out of this mess.

Some back story on him and his job. He has always been the entrepreneur kind. never liked working for anybody else. He used to have his own business when he was young but lack of management and poor finances led to him closing it up. He got this job as a manager and was making very good money but he would always complaint about the owner. He is a womanizer, disrespects the employees, talks about inappropriate things at work on a daily basis. His wife allows it because she says he is just crazy like that. My WS would get very annoyed by this at he would always come home with something new to tell me. One day the boss even made a comment about me and he ended up getting in an argument with him.
He would say he constantly had to delete pictures of girls the boss sent him, or inappropriate stuff. He was not happy and would always come home stressed.

He has always been the one to bring God into our lives, i'm not religious but have always supported him. I think is his way of hiding behind the person he truly is. His coping mechanism to justify his actions. I cheat then i repent and cry and pray to god to forgive me, gets baptized and he is a new person. I don't think that's how it works. He is in a constant battle between straying from god and trying to get back to him by going to church, reading the bible, watching preaches on youtube etc. His dirty conscience eats at him. He feels his life falls apart when he strays.

Anyway, I haven't talked to him. The first 2 confessions he was trying to make it up to me this one he was mad that I am mad at him again and told him I am staying in the apartment. He said I already apologized 15 times. (??????) I told him no you did not, you continued to lie to me to my face. You made me feel like it was all out in the open, but then you keep feeding me with more surprises. He called me last night but I didnt talk to him. I cant even listen to his voice.

I am so tired. I haven't eaten since yesterday and my body aches I want to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. My son doesn't deserve this. He is a happy happy little boy. He is smart, he asks questions he knows when something is not alright with only 3 years of age. He deserves a loving family.. He wants to move to his new big house and I don't know what to tell him. This is so extremely hard and i'm in pain emotionally and physically.
I have to make a decision quickly because time is running out with all this moving issue. I am not even capable of deciding what to wear for work.

I dont want to be with him but I feel like I have no choice right now but to move. This is the worse thing has has happened to me and my son.


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