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Just found out - wedding is in 5 months

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wocket posted 5/7/2018 16:27 PM

Hey guys,

Just found out yesterday my fiance had a drunken one night affair saturday night/sunday morning. This is the worst and most difficult thing I've ever encountered in my life. Dont really know what to do.

That said, I have no clue what to do about the wedding. She is legitimately remorseful, but I have a huge problem putting our love on a very public display. Just seems so distasteful for me to do right now. Right now I still want to

We are going to a LMFT tonight.

LtCdrLost posted 5/7/2018 16:33 PM

Sir, why would you even consider marrying a woman who has sex with another man during your engagement?

Butforthegrace posted 5/7/2018 16:34 PM

You just got a preview of what marriage with her will be like. Is that the life you want?

ItsNotMe posted 5/7/2018 16:38 PM

This is the kind of situation where you cut your losses and run.

If she can't make it through your engagement without cheating, what makes you think she will remain faithful for the rest of your life?

Right now there are no kids, none of the things that make leaving a truly difficult thing to do. You are lucky she showed you who she is now and not after you are married and have kids.

I would run and find someone worthy of you. Someone who will really be able to commit to only you.

EarsEyesTongue posted 5/7/2018 16:45 PM

Sorry for your situation. Bail out now. She’s a cheater, and she has likely done this before.
Be thankful this came to light five months before your plsnned wedding... not five days (or five hours).
Btw, how did you find out?
Best of luck.

Butforthegrace posted 5/7/2018 16:45 PM

Oh, and make sure you get the ring back. You'll need to confront her in person for this, and be forceful.

Curious9 posted 5/7/2018 16:48 PM

I agree with the RUN suggestion. Your not married to her and thank her for that. I would wish her the best in her new life and move on with yours. There are far better women out there that will take a relationship very serious. There are women out there that wont put themselves in these situations out of respect for themselves let alone a relationship with you. Don't stay with someone that doesn't respect themselves or you or a relationship. You deserve better.

tmacfire posted 5/7/2018 16:50 PM

First off, so sorry you are here. What happened to you truly sucks. She has very poor boundaries and if she cheats now, she is likely to later. RUN my friend as fast as you can away from this relationship. RUN!!!

Wodnships posted 5/7/2018 16:50 PM

I'm sorry you are hurting. Their is the option to reconcile, but for that to work she would have to spend years digging out whatever is broken in her and change on a fundamental level. It's unlikely that she could even begin to becomes someone you can trust in the next 5 months. It's a lot of heard work that she has to do, before the two of you can even start building a healthy sustainable relationship, and there is no guarantee that either of you will want to do that when she is done.

It's going to be a hard road either way, but I honestly think you have a better chance at happiness cutting her lose and looking for someone you can trust today. The choice is your's but this is the best advice we can give you right now.

Kamstel posted 5/7/2018 16:52 PM

I’m so sorry,

The first thing you need to do is realize that this is not going to be solved within the next five months.

You need to tell your parents and her parents so they do not pay any more toward any of the wedding, photographer, etc.

When they ask why, you need to tell them that your fiancé cheated on you. You need to do this, not to shame her, but to get them on your side, no matter what you decide whether it is to reconcile, Or to go your separate ways.

This should be a huge red flag for you as to what type of woman she truly is, and to find out if she would do this to you in the future.
If she is willing to do this to you now so soon before your wedding, when she is supposed to be all lovey-dovey, what is she going to do in 10 years, with the stress of jobs and children?

At the very least, tell her you want the ring back and the wedding is on hold. I would also tell her that you plan on getting her a polygraph

Personally, I think if she will do this to you now, I think you should follow all of the other advice that you received here so far, and just run.

I know you love her, but you need to protect yourself, good luck

gtflng posted 5/7/2018 16:55 PM

I'm not going to tell you to run. As a fairly young, newly married, kidless betrayed wife.. I get, but don't appreciate, that type of advice.

What I will advise you to do is postpone the wedding. I'm guessing that will be an incredibly daunting thing to do, and will feel like a nail in the coffin. But I'm 3 months out.. I can't imagine 5 months being enough time to feel "reconciled" to the point of signing a contract. At 3 months, I haven't decided if I even want to reconcile. It isn't a nail in the coffin. It's a pause button for you to come to terms with this, and for your fiancé to do some serious reflection.

So... call it off.. postpone it.. whatever. You need time for you. It's just not the time to be taking vows. It may be, in time, but it just isn't now.

I'm so, so sorry.

[This message edited by gtflng at 4:57 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

fareast posted 5/7/2018 16:55 PM

So sorry this happened to you. I agree with others that at least you found out what your fiancé is capable of before the wedding. You need to take some time to gather your thoughts and process all of this. You need to take some time to observe your fiance’ and Her reactions to all of this. At a minimum you should postpone the wedding indefinitely. If you intend to spend the rest of your life with this woman you should have a better idea of who she really is.

Of course, if this is a dealbreaker for you and you want to call the whole thing off forever, that is perfectly fine. This kind of blatant infidelity is a dealbreaker for many. The decision is up to you. You are in control.

Good luck.

Kamstel posted 5/7/2018 16:58 PM

I normally think this is a bad idea, but in this case I think you must leave her and have a revenge affair on her, to level the playing field and give her a taste of what you are going through.

If not, you will hold this in until you blow up in a year.

And fyi, it is highly unlikely that she is remorseful, she is regretful. There is a difference


Who else knows about it?

How old are you two?

[This message edited by Kamstel at 6:30 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

Heartbrokeness posted 5/7/2018 16:58 PM

I found out 7 weeks ago my hubby of almost 12 years was having an emotional / online affair with cyber (which to be fair to him the cyber ended 4 months previous due to one thing and another but the emotional attachment and intimate virtual ‘hugs’ continued the last message being about 4 hours before I found out). It’s the hardest thing ever and if it had been during our engagement I’d of cut my losses and ran.

However I also know how utterly smitten you can be especially during your engagement and you can probably not even conceive of finding someone else who you love the same or even more than her.

For my H’s faults I can say hand on heart he wouldn’t of cheated during our engagement - we were the loved up smitten couple too - we’ve had years of set backs, both were suffering serious depression, 2 children one who we nearly lost several times as a baby 5 pregnancy losses emotional breakdowns, sever financial problems when I became ill and unable to work and then most recently (ie 2 days before he started the emotional affair *which started as straight out flirting then into cyber sex initiated by her* I was told the hospital thought I had cancer) not for me the betray was bad enough without the scare and me feeling like he abandoned me in my darkest need (which emotionally he did but physically cared for me and the children) it took all of that and a great big bucket of stupidity on his part for him to cheat. None the stuff we’ve dealt with makes it ok, people have told me “but you’ve had so many strokes of bad luck” “oh but x y z” No he cheated end of- yes I can accept our situation was difficult but I remained faithful.

Do you think hand on heart, she can remain faithful? 5 months isn’t a long time, can you postpone the wedding for a year or 2?

Kamstel posted 5/7/2018 17:01 PM

It is too soon to go to therapy!!!!

You need time to get this to sink in!
If you go now, you will do whatever the therapist tells you to do (sweep under he rug), which is the worst thing you can do.

SHE needs to go to therapists for herself!!!!

Wodnships posted 5/7/2018 17:04 PM

@kamstel Any therapist that suggests the BS sweeps things under the rug is a bad therapist. No therapist worth there time would support ignoring such a huge issue.

SpaceGhost0007 posted 5/7/2018 17:08 PM

Imagine having children and she is cheating on you and wants alimony and child support and takes your children away so she can bang other dudes.

Do NOT marry her. Break it off and date other women that don’t cheat on you. Break up and maybe in a few years you can be friends in the future.

Being engaged is a trial period. She failed so run for the hills.

Kamstel posted 5/7/2018 17:12 PM

How and when did you find out?

OneInTheSame posted 5/7/2018 17:15 PM

At the very least, postpone the wedding. At five months post d-day, most betrayed partners are still reeling from the discovery and not in any state to be making a major life decision. But I can't disagree with calling it off entirely. She has proven she is not trustworthy at this stage in her life. She has some work to do. If, in a year or two, she has sought help and is working on her boundaries, maybe then you can reconsider.

But don't let societal pressures cause you to lose your mind about your future.

When I was doing my post d-day discovery I uncovered lots and lots of payments for online poker that my wife had been leading me to believe was "free games on FB." Thousands of dollars were secretly spent for nearly a year before our wedding. had I known this I would not have suggested we finally get married (together 15 years, waiting for equal rights to marriage) when I did. In fact, I would have suggested she had to seek counseling for her gaming expenditures. I had no idea she had relaxed her boundaries at that time. Ten months after we had our marriage ceremony she began her affair. Her unleashed sense of entitlement and selfishness then set the stage for the worst pain in My life.

This is possibly a gift to you, learning now her boundaries are too weak to prevent a drunken ONS. Does she regularly get drunk with friends? This may be an issue she needs to address as well. Not a good foundation to begin a marriage.

(((wocket))) Your pain is real. I agree to out her to her family, as this is not the time to be ultra-diplomatic. It will hurt, but it may prevent a lifetime of hurt for you in the end.

Chili posted 5/7/2018 17:18 PM

Kamstel:

I normally think this is a bad idea, but in this case I think you must have a revenge affair on her, to level the playing field and give her a taste of what you are going through.

If you normally think it's a bad idea, why would you think it's a good one in this situation?

What would that do for wocket to help him heal from this betrayal and allow him to lead a genuine and healthy life from this point forward?

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