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Help! My world just came crashing down

LonelyL posted 7/11/2018 15:17 PM

We have just been discovered by his wife. Iím at loss. My husband doesnít know, and Iím unsure of what to do.. Iím full of grief and shame, I donít even know what Iím feeling. Iím just lost. The affair went on for And now itís just done. He told me we couldnít talk, but he still texted me yesterday. We met for coffee. I donít know what my next step should be?

[This message edited by LonelyL at 12:56 PM, July 12th (Thursday)]

Jorge posted 7/11/2018 15:20 PM

Don't worry about your "story". The ONLY story you should be telling is the truth story. Your husband has been cheated on for 6 years, at least give him that. Dribbling out half truths and facts later will only make it worse for him. You've disrespected him for 6 years. Give him one day of truth. That's all that's needed.

LonelyL posted 7/11/2018 15:26 PM

Iím just so scared. I donít want to put my career in jeopardy. . I know I should come out with it. But parts of me donít. Why hurt him? As for my affair partner, he hasnít told the entire truth. . Iím lost and in turmoil. I miss my AP. It kills me now to know we can never be friends

[This message edited by LonelyL at 1:30 PM, July 12th (Thursday)]

Barregirl posted 7/11/2018 15:37 PM

Gently LonelyL, you should consider telling your husband the whole truth. Your A is over and you need to go NC(no contact) with your AP, which will be difficult as you are coworkers. You are in crisis-mode right now and certainly feeling the need for self-preservation. However, your husband is living a lie because you are keeping him in the dark. He deserves to know about his own life. You have put him in danger by having a 6 year affair. He deserves the right to be tested for STIs and to regain his agency. Please consider his right to know his own life. As for missing the AP, there is a thread here in Wayward called the survival guide. I will bump it for you. There are tips for getting through the withdrawal. I'm sure more WS with way more experience than me will be along soon. For now, just breathe and try to process the enormity of your situation.

LonelyL posted 7/11/2018 15:48 PM

Thank you barregirl. It just helps knowing that someone out there is reading this. Iím not alone. I feel like my world is crashing. I phoned a help line we have through work. They told me to just take it hour by hour right now. Tomorrow I have to go to work, my emotions are all over the place knowing I will see him.
Why is my AP so adamant and getting our stories straight. His whole world is upside down too. Itís just a huge mess.

[This message edited by LonelyL at 1:32 PM, July 12th (Thursday)]

seadoug105 posted 7/11/2018 16:22 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:51 AM, July 12th (Thursday)]

seadoug105 posted 7/11/2018 16:47 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:52 AM, July 12th (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 7/11/2018 17:20 PM

Why is my AP so adamant and getting our stories straight. Why hasnít he told his wife we slept together?

Because he most likely is lying to his wife and doesn't want her to know the details of your A as they could end his M just like your lies may end yours.

Best thing you can do is come clean and take the hits as they come. Get into counseling and try and figure out why you were able to live a double life for 6 years without batting an eye. You seem more concerned about job loss than how this will affect your husband or your M. Actions have consequences. One of the consequences could very well be job loss.

LonelyL posted 7/11/2018 17:37 PM

It may come across selfish and I know actions have consequences, but Iíve been with the same employer. Almost half my life. Itís my livihood. I really got nothing else. Anyway, Iím just trying to deal with this by the hour. I know heís gonna wanna talk to me. Mostly because My AP is telling me to tell my H and to blame it on him. Iím jist so messed up. My brain is fried. Itís just him and I. But my AP, he has three and now everyone knows about his story. Sorry Iím just venting, like I said my brain is mush at the moment since d day and the AP contacted me yesterday on the whole thing.

[This message edited by LonelyL at 1:01 PM, July 12th (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 7/11/2018 18:36 PM

(((LonelyL))) Deep breaths you can overcome this and become a better person, but you really need to end this A and contact with your AP or this will only get worse.


My AP is telling me to tell my H and to blame it on him.

Please read what your A partner told you over and over again here. Does this sound like a person who has anyone's best interest at heart?

Do you think it would be fair to blame this on your H who has no idea he has been lied to about his life for the last 6 years. Surely you do not believe your H caused your A.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:37 PM, July 11th (Wednesday)]

Jorge posted 7/11/2018 18:45 PM

Your AP is either getting ready to or is actively throwing you under the bus to save his marriage.
You need to decide if you also want to save your marriage. Because make no mistake, there is a 99% chance that the OBS will contact your husband. And they will piece together their own information via texts, emails, credit are/banking statements, and talking to others that might know. And if they do he will inevitably catch you in a lie. And when he does, you probably won't have a chance to save it.

seadoug105 nailed it. Take heed of the first sentence especially. If you read this with a clear head, here's the order of priorities for your boyfriend, his wife, family, job and then you, (maybe). He's looking out for himself. Your priorities seemingly, job, boyfriend, husband (maybe).

If your boyfriend's kids are aware and your husband works with both of you, there's literally no chance of him not finding out. It's best for you to inform him before Joe in accounting knows, as it will get around if it hasn't already. Six years, people talk.

The best case scenario is you're suspended without pay for a while or reprimanded and concerning your husband, I really don't know since you aren't too concerned with him aside from him getting hurt, which by the way is really not him getting hurt, but you preserving your image and reputation as an adulteress. You're in self-preservation in every sense of the word.

Your husband will be traumatized realizing his marriage was a sham and he actually shared you for 6 years. The responses can be varied. One very pitiful one is where he says, I want to reconcile. You have to remember when speaking with him after the news is broke, that he will be 100 times more confused than you are and will be devastated on top of it. But here's the thing. It's 100 times worse when he finds out more later, either from you, the job, boyfriend or boyfriend's wife.

Your future is helplessly out of your hands. The only thing you can control is your ability to release the outcome and come clean so that you have a clear conscience and allow the chips fall where they may. You may lose your husband and your job, but you knew this when this game started 6 years ago and never ended it. The results are where we are today.

Suggestions:

1) Tell every thing to your husband.

2) Draft out a timeline as to when and how it started and how you schemed to essentially fool him for six years.

3) Do not further antagonize and disrespect him by suggesting no sex happened. This is laughable and every adult hearing or reading this knows it. Secret adult lovers who work and travel together, don't skip sex for 6 years. Come on Lonelyl, think about this realistically. Would you believe if your husband said, I've had a inappropriate relationship with a co-worker for 6 years, but we never had sex. Believing you can convince him of this will further compound issues.

4) By going on the work trip with your boyfriend will reinforce to your husband who you have chosen. He will already have known though. You chose your AP quite some time ago and only him being married probably kept you married to your husband. Your husband knows he's plan b. Don't disrespect him by saying he wasn't. I'm not going on the fact that you had an affair, but that you never ended it and have yet to speak of love and affection for him, so he's a safety net for you.

5) Have mercy on your husband. He's innocent. Don't further humiliate and disrespect him by blaming it on him. You know this isn't the right thing to do. You're already in deep shit. At least try to keep him clean. His life has been destroyed. The least you can do is comfort him, not continue stabbing him in his back as you have done for 6 years.

[This message edited by Jorge at 6:49 PM, July 11th (Wednesday)]

Klaatu posted 7/11/2018 19:16 PM

You must tell your husband now before he hears it from somebody else. My wife found out about my A from my AP's husband...it was a complete disaster on every level.

Telling the truth is imperative and should come from you in the form of a confession. I can almost guarantee this course of action will serve you best.

Be strong and be honest with your husband.

Zugzwang posted 7/11/2018 21:56 PM

Why is my AP so adamant and getting our stories straight. Why hasnít he told his wife we slept together?

Because he values his wife more than you and doesn't want her to leave in case sleeping together is the last straw. She will find out. They all do. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Especially after being caught before. She isn't going to just believe that nothing happened. The children know and so does the rest of their family. They may make life hard for you and tell your work and other people around town. 6 years. A long time. His wife isn't going to let this slide. She will find out the rest when push comes to shove. Tell your husband the truth.

I donít want to put any of our careers in jeopardy.
You already did the moment you started an affair. You can't be that worried about losing your job, or you wouldn't be cheating with a co-worker. You hoped no one would find out, but you still chose to risk it even if they did.

Marcy70 posted 7/12/2018 09:27 AM

Please listen to me. I did just about everything wrong in the aftermath of DDay. Donít make the same mistakes. Start right now and be a person of integrity.
The truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth. Do not lie. Do not spin, do not ďget your story straight.Ē
There is 6 years worth of stuff to lie about. You will get caught in a lie at some point. Just tell the truth, itís a lot easier.
There will be consequences, but you canít worry about that. Just be who you are supposed to be.

Klaatu posted 7/12/2018 09:50 AM

2x4 "light" coming.

I just re-read your posts hoping to offer more constructive ideas when it hit me that you mention your AP (AP, we, he, etc.) approximately 27 times and your husband only about 7 times. Your feelings for your AP come through loud and clear, but if you want to address your issues and have have any chance of saving your marriage you really need to take your focus off of your AP. To be blunt, your AP used you as a convenient, easy piece and will likely throw you under the bus in a nanosecond to save his own butt (he may have done so already).

Concentrate on fixing your issues (us Waywards are broken), helping your husband deal with your cheating and saving your marriage (if that is really what you want to do).

A question you may have to consider: What is more important: Saving your marriage or your job?

Stay strong and do what you know has to be done. Listen to the great advice already given you by other experienced posters here.

[This message edited by Klaatu at 9:51 AM, July 12th (Thursday)]

hikingout posted 7/12/2018 12:41 PM

First and foremost, I remember that feeling. It was much, much shorter than your A, but I remember the feeling. And, it is hard, and it is painful. I will not discount any of that here in my response.

However, you need to just kiss your old life goodbye. The earlier you can accept what has happened and the long, hard, ramifications the easier it will be to make the right decisions.

Your job wherever you are, is done. Either it will be by their choice or yours. I say that because you can not continue to work with the AP. Your BS (assuming you want to try and work on the marriage) is not going to be able to deal with the idea that No Contact is not securely in place.

Second, the AP in your situation has already made his choice. It's one that you deep down knew that he would - choose his wife and family. Being dropped like a hot potato after DDAY is the most common thing that happens to OW. It happened to me as well.

Third, at some point that will make no difference to you. That point is not today.

Fourth, I think it's important for you to realize that the damage that you feel is nothing like what your husband is going to feel. You can protect him by:

1. Telling him everything. The full truth. No lies, no minimization. It will all come out any way, best to tell the whole truth and be the source of breaking it to him. Don't let him find out from someone else, that's insulting.

2. Offering a NC letter to the AP, with his full approval of what is said.

3. Offering to resign and look for other work. If that's not possible at the moment the looking has to take place immediately.

4. Accepting whatever outcome there is with your BS. We all know it's possible, that's why we hide it. I am thinking 6 years with someone else he knows at work is going to be a tough pill for him to swallow.

I know this is devastating, but please try and gain clarity quickly and act in the way that you know you should have a long time ago. One day soon you will realize what you lost wasn't the AP, you never really had him any way. You had some on going fantasy world. What you stand to lose is your own life as you know it, but know you can come out the other side wiser and with more self respect than you have held over these past six years. That is a really really long time. I have no idea how that happens or what it looks like but I can only think that you have to on some level feel some relief of not trying to keep that double life going.


Stand up and be the woman you know you can be.

QuietDan posted 7/12/2018 13:26 PM

It is best if your husband hears about this from you first.
Your secret is out now, and spreading around.
Partial truth seldom turns out well.
What is held back and kept as a secret, usually affects the relationship in a negative fashion.
Either it comes out and the truth is discovered, the consequences happen, the situation is dealt with, or lingers, it separates, undermines, usually eating away at the marriage relationship like a termite infestation eats away at the structure of a house.

Then again, maybe no one will interfere. Perhaps they will mind their own business and simple talk about this gossip amongst themselves. Your husband, going about his daily routine, with everyone the wiser but him. Most people who eventually find out, find this particular scenario to be profound humiliating. There is often an interpretation that all those that knew and said nothing, are part of the betrayal as well.
You have two choices, take and active role, you step up, take charge of your life and your responsibility as an honest partner who is working to become a safe and trustworthy person, and confess, or, continue on as a passive person, waiting for the truth to show up through another person, trickling it out, minimizing and lying all the way, creating more damage and pain along the way. You can either, yank the bandaid of lies all at once, as fast as possible, or slow, off and on, spreading the pain out over a longer period. Transforming the process into a slow painful torture experience.


[This message edited by QuietDan at 1:33 PM, July 12th (Thursday)]

Beyawnedremorse posted 7/12/2018 16:59 PM

As a WW who had an A with a fat guy who had a small dick (I believed his false flattery) in the back of our family van, I promise you, disclosure is a must! I never thought my WH would find out. He did and as I TT, he found out more and more. Every lie set us back months. My WH confronted my AP and his wife. My AP lied, his wife believed him and filed a police report against my poor WH for harassing her. You will never know what your AP or his wife will do to keep their family or ruin yours. The question is what are you willing to do to keep yours? Do you even want to? Weíre 11 months from DDay and there is nothing more painful than watching your spouse suffer everyday. This is literally the worst pain you could cause someone. Holding anything back will make it worse and stretch out R if thatís even an option. Plus, once they discover the A, itís nearly impossible to gain an ounce of trust since your word now means nothing. I wish you luck as you enter the depths of Hell.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/12/2018 19:08 PM

Hey there LonelyL,

Welcome to SI. You're getting some really good advice from people who have been exactly where you are. Read HikingOut's post again and again. She's right on the money.

I had a seven year affair so I know how it feels to have been lying for such a long time. It's exhausting, isn't it? Having to always check yourself, think twice before you say something, figure out the best way to shade what you say so that you have plausible deniability...I lived there for a long time.

Like you, on D-day it felt like my world was crashing down. I know it doesn't feel like it now but in time you'll come to realize that it's the best thing that could have happened to you, that it needed to happen for you to stop destroying yourself and your marriage and your BS and to start to rebuild.

Infidelity isn't a little accident. It's not a bump or a scrape. A lot of time when people come here thinking they can just hide it all from their BS and somehow keep everything going as "normal" I am reminded of a war film scene where there's a guy whose been gut shot and his intestines are on the outside and he's telling the people around him "I think I can put it back in." Graphic, but apt. He's in shock and not thinking clearly and right now, so are you. You cannot put it back in. Your best bet is to come completely clean with your BS, and let him hear the truth, all of it, from you. Let go of trying to salvage your career, or even your marriage. What needs salvaging the most is you and your integrity.

Something that helped me a lot in the early days (after D-day but it might help you now too) was to start educating myself about the nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved. I read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and that really helped me begin to put the affair into context. If you and BS choose to try to reconcile, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald will be a really valuable resource.

I hope you stick around. Unless you deal with this forthrightly, it's going to continue to do damage to you, your BS and your marriage.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Best to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

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