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What shall I do with trigger days?

Newme2018 posted 7/12/2018 14:12 PM

My DDay was 11/20/2017. WH had 1.5 PA (starting Spring 2016 and ended 11/10/2017) and a couple of years back EA. I have no doubt if I didn't discover it, chance is that AP will lure WH back easily again. She called WH a couple of times after my discover and ran into WH once at airport. WH told her that he didn't want to see her any longer (that's WH's version, who knows if it's true or not). WH seems trying hard to R, but he was such a almost perfect husband, I don't know if it's another acting or not.

I have so many trigger days: Dday, the date AP arrived US (they started flirting on first met), the date WH arranged our anniversary trip when WH already started kissing AP, the date AP and WH had sex, the date I was invited to AP's house after they already had sex, the date we invited AP to our house (even our kids know AP), the dates we hang out together, catch-and-release dates AP wanted to dump WH and then lured him back easy....

The upcoming one is WH's birthday, the first time AP asked to break up and WH begged hard during their lunch meet, when I really think WH expected another round of oral in AP's car as usual. That night when we headed out for dinner, WH looked stressed and upset. Even my kids asked me why, I honestly thought it was because of his BUSY WORK until I discovered A and found out the true reason.

WH's birthday is coming up. I never shared with him all the triggers in my mind. Because I don't bring up A anymore like I did at the beginning of discovery - this is part of our R agreement to focus on the present and don't keep talking about what cannot be changed. WH might think that I already got over with A and repeatedly asking me how to celebrate and told me what kind of gifts he would like

Shall I pretend to celebrate as usual as part of our R effort? Or do I bring up it's a trigger and I don't have any appetite to celebrate? Every time I brought up A, it's a very unpleasant ending almost forced us to go back to square one for R. I am tired of keep thinking of A, but when I cannot control my mind, I cannot help being disgusted by it.

Any suggestion? Thank you!

barcher144 posted 7/12/2018 14:36 PM

Shall I pretend to celebrate as usual as part of our R effort? Or do I bring up it's a trigger and I don't have any appetite to celebrate? Every time I brought up A, it's a very unpleasant ending almost forced us to go back to square one for R. I am tired of keep thinking of A, but when I cannot control my mind, I cannot help being disgusted by it.

First off, let me tell you that I wrestle with some of the same issues. I am pretty lucky, though, that I don't trigger easily, so I don't have BIG PROBLEMS with the same issues.

I think that you need to decide what is best for YOU right now. You are less than a year from D-day, so it's totally fine to ignore the days (i.e., don't acknowledge it all) or suffer through the days (i.e., spend it in bed, crying, perhaps?). Whatever works for you!

(p.s. It's conceding that you wayward spouse handles discussion of the A so poorly. He should be willing to discuss his shameful acts as part of your healing process).

Eventually, though, you will need to get past the trigger days. Maybe that's this year? Maybe that's next year? Or perhaps the year after?

Whatever you decide, go easy on yourself.

Chaos posted 7/12/2018 17:25 PM

Hi there. Trigger Days sure suck.

I'm going to give my 2 cents - take what you will. Leave the rest.

Shall I pretend to celebrate as usual as part of our R effort?

I'm of the opinion to pretend nothing. Be honest and sincere, even if that isn't what the other person wants to hear. Don't be cruel in the delivery or use as an opportunity to punish. But you must be honest.

Or do I bring up it's a trigger and I don't have any appetite to celebrate?

If that is what you truly feel/believe to be true at the time of the event/day - be open and honest about it. If you aren't ready to celebrate now - let that be known. That doesn't close the door for future celebratory opportunities.

I can say in my year of firsts, I didn't want anything celebrated or acknowledged. WH didn't like it, but respected it. I bit tongue on the delivery [not using it as an opportunity to mud sling]

Every time I brought up A, it's a very unpleasant ending almost forced us to go back to square one for R.

I question if that is your WS way of rug sweeping it. And then I question why? Is it to hide continued behavior? Is it to deflect? Is it a defense mechanism to keep your WS from realizing the extreme reality of the pain caused by the A? The answer will be most telling. But will take a lot of soul searching for her to realize.

I am tired of keep thinking of A, but when I cannot control my mind, I cannot help being disgusted by it.

I know. And it sucks. And it is haunting. And I'm sorry. That is all part of being the Betrayed. It is an elite club no one wants to join. I hear it lessens in time, but always remains.

In the mean time, make sure you take care of you - especially on those trigger days. Indulge in a guilty pleasure, treat yourself to a nice lunch or cup of coffee. Read a good book. Go for a long walk. Something for you.

Newme2018 posted 7/12/2018 20:21 PM

barcher144 and Chaos,

Thanks so much for sharing your perspectives. You both are absolutely right. I need to focus on me alone from now on. The only thing I can control is myself. As much as I hate the A experience and pain, I am grateful that I experience it not later in my life. This does help me to see through lots of cruelty of life and prepare me for a better rest of life.

OneInTheSame posted 7/13/2018 02:37 AM

We are almost 3 years out from d-day and I still let my fWW know if I am triggering hard or can't shake a trigger. I have been working on trying to desensitize and handle triggers that would cripple me a year or two ago . . . but sometimes you just can't shake one. Everyone is different, though, and your particular circumstances can be that triggers are more difficult for you than most . . . or just the opposite!

You are not even a year out from your d-day . . . don't be too hard in yourself for feeling your triggers.

backtodecember posted 7/14/2018 13:58 PM

Just my two cents, but I always share my triggers with my husband. Afterall, not only did he put us in this situation, but we are also rebuilding together, this is not my burden to bare alone. That being said, if the triggers are small and something I can get past on my own, then I do. I try to sit on them for a little while, but if I canít handle it alone (meaning it wonít lesve my headspace), then I absolutely share it.

As far as celebrating things like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc weíve never skipped a beat. Iím the type of person who likes to celebrate everything, and no one was going to take that away from me. The first year after dday, I actually felt that celebrations helped us to reconcile. It gave us a moment or day or week to focus on the good, where we were in the present, and how much we had to look forward to together. We were both grateful that we were still together celebrating milestones with one another. R is hard of course, but Iím of the mindset that you give life to what you focus on. So for us, focusing on what was being rebuilt was a way to take back any dates or times or events that would have brought me and us down. Being in the real, authentic, loving, wonderful marriage that we are in now, due to hard work on both our parts, continued hard work even though we consider ourselves fully reconciled, is definitely something to celebrate and celebrate often. We have built the marriage of both of our dreams out of the wreckage and we both have a lot to celebrate and be grateful for.

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