The Healing Library > Articles > Open Letter to All the New Wayward Spouses
Open Letter to All the New Wayward Spouses
Since I've been such a bigmouthed bully on some of the new FWS threads, I would like to say:
First of all...
You have made the first step towards doing the right thing by even BEING here and having a registered username.
And that's what all of this is - one step at a time.
Some folks on SI have been here for years - and their affairs are far in the past and their recovery ongoing (because we have ALL recovered to some degree, or else we wouldn't be here.)
Others like me have been here a bit over a year or less - we've come to some big realizations and have had some successes and failures, and we still struggle daily with some big issues, but we've gotten over that initial hump, and maybe even a few more.
And then there are relative "newbies" like yourselves who are just starting to figure it all out and feel like you are floundering in a pit of confusion and loss.
Well, we're here for you.
We're all here to support one another and help. The whole reason this board exists - and any of a number of "self-help" boards, chat groups, and clubs exist is for one reason:
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.
No one can hug you and hold you in the tough times, or slap you silly in
the crazy times, like someone who has made the EXACT SAME MISTAKES that
you have made, or that you are making.
From anyone else, it would be disingenuous and unfulfilling.
That's why you're here.
All of us can empathize with the pain you're feeling, and all of us recognize the difficulty of what you're doing, and we also can spot a load of crap a mile away because we said the same things once
And we will give you whatever it is you deserve - hugs,
..and 2x4's upside the head.
And you have to take them ALL if you really want to heal and get past this.
OK, so I personally tend to be a bit more of the 2x4 guy than the huggy-feely guy. That's the way I am. Call it 'good cop, bad cop.' It took a combination of both for me to figure it all out once and for all.
Right now, you're struggling - part of your brain is saying "what the hell have you done, what kind of mess have you made, how in god's name are you going to get over the shame and destruction??!!!"
And the other side is saying "yeah, but...come on, what a mess, right? But here's Excuse #A, #B and #C and Reason #1, #2, and #3 and this part wasn't all THAT bad, and poor me, and..."
Everyone here is going to encourage you to embrace the truth of the "what the hell have I done" side... And start to see the "yeah, but" side as the big fat selfish liar that it is.
And we UNDERSTAND the "yeah, but" side. We've all been there. Go back to
the earliest pages of this board, and read some of my posts from
October/November/December of 2004.
"Yeah, but..." was my FAVORITE phrase.
And it took hugs and congrats when I did something right...
and 2x4's when I started to make excuses...
For me to learn the right way.
And if you stick with us, and get IC, and look inside yourself at the broken person that started this whole mess...you will figure all of that out, too, and you, your BS, and everyone else that has been hurt by your mistake will end up being better for it.
Don't be afraid to admit you're broken - you are. We all either are, or were at some point.
That broken-ness and weakness is what lead us all down the path of an A. We certainly didn't start having an A because we were healthy and strong!
Ignoring the broken-ness, shoving guilt away, feeling like the exception
to the rule...
That is what got us all in this mess to begin with - don't push it away now just because it hurts. It's GOING to hurt, like hell, for quite awhile.
But if you don't face it now, it will never get better, and you'll stay broken for the rest of your life.
You can and WILL be a better person someday...look at me...I cheated on my wife 7 different times, and on my wife before her, and on my fiancee before her. I've spent my entire adult life cheating, and I'm getting close to 40.
You think I want to spend the next 40 years making the same mistakes? No way.
So I've taken my congrats when I deserved them, and smacks upside the head when I deserved them, and eventually I got it.
In order to make sure I got it, I had to face some tough realities. Not just the reality of admitting "I had an affair, it was wrong, I feel badly for it" - but also the reality of "what is wrong with me that I even decided this was OK to begin with?"
Embrace the pain - don't wallow in depression, of course - but don't be afraid to face your demons, lest you become one yourself.
You've already cheated on your SO/BS...don't cheat on yourself by continuing the lies and excuses and rationalizations.
It's not going to be easy, and it's going to take awhile, and you'll have
to take baby steps...
And every time you GET IT, we'll be here to applaud you.
No one expects you to be perfect, to GET IT right away, to have sudden epiphanies and turn over a new leaf every 30 minutes.
But we do expect that you trust us and accept that what we're saying is true. 99.99998% of the time, it is!
OK...I'll get off my soapbox now. Just wanted to get that off my chest.