The Healing Library > Articles > Marital Tsunami
Like everyone else, I have been watching the reports of last weeks TSUNAMI. I keep looking at pictures and hearing numbers thrown out like "greater than 150,000 dead" and "millions homeless." This event seems SO BIG, SO HUGE, and the destruction SO COMPLETE, it is truly hard to imagine what kind of pain and loss is going on over there. The more I think about this and the more video/film I see on TV, I can't help but make an analogy to what it is like for the BS to experience infidelity.
Infidelity seems like an awkward word that is a little difficult to wrap our minds around. But, TSUNAMI...now that conjures up some pictures.
I believe that finding out your husband or wife, your best friend, your mate, your lover, the mother/father of your children, the person you share your hopes, dreams, and future with, and the person you want to hold you when you die, CREATES a MASSIVE undersea earthquake when they decide to be unfaithful and to emotionally and physically join themselves to another person. The result is a TSUNAMI! This TSUNAMI is traveling 500 mph under water toward the BS...who may have felt some tremors or even a quake, but who has NO IDEA of the WAVE OF DESTRUCTION SPEEDING IN THEIR DIRECTION! The BS is standing on the shoreline going about their business when strange sounds and a flurry of activity suddenly catch their attention. BUT IT IS TOO LATE!
The TSUNAMI is sweeping its weight and power to shore and the BS is caught COMPLETELY off guard. AT first one stands there, just for a moment, in complete disbelief. "This can't be happening." It's not a yell or scream...it's a statement of disconnect. But, then, the wave is DEFINITELY coming, and in an instant the BS starts to run like hell! It dawns on them that this is about survival. They simultaneously run and look for ANY kind of shelter. But, there is NONE to be found. As the BS runs, they look over their shoulder and watch hopelessly and helplessly as the wave closes in. It is not just the wall of power coming at you. It's the knowledge that you CANNOT do anything about this catastrophy that is about to overtake you. And it is the horror that you were left so unprepared...so vulnerable...if ONLY a warning system would have been sounded. Why didn't I have any WARNING? "I could have run inland. I could have taken shelter. I could have protected my family and my most precious belongings." And, unfortunately, the WS, the one who not only caused the earthquake and Tsunami, CHOSE NOT TO WARN! They decided to keep this information tucked away for another day. However, TSUNAMI'S don't wait for better days. They blast forward with all of their power and might and don't stop their destruction until every ounce of energy is spent. It is an energy spent against the BS.
Many BS's never stood a chance. The wave overtook them and they are simply listed as unknown fatalities. Others are so permanently injured they will never be the same. "What happened to so and so? I don't know for sure. I heard she moved away...I heard he has a problem with alcohol now." And, yet, others some how managed to make it into a hotel or other structure that offered JUST enough protection that life was sustained. As they watch the spent energy of the wave stop...there is STILLNESS. There is a VERY CREEPY and HORRIFYING QUIET that lasts just for a moment. Because NOW the final push of destruction is about to begin.
Now the wave is starting to move backwards. Instead of pushing and plowing over everything in it's path...now it is PULLING and SUCKING EVERYTHING in its wake back into the sea. There is NOTHING that can be done but to watch. The BS WATCHES as their home, their most treasured belongings, their family, their hopes, and their dreams are RIPPED apart and dragged out with such force that it seems like nothing is left. It only takes a few minutes...and life is changed forever!
The BS can't hardly believe they are alive. And, now, standing in this water-logged, muddy pile of debris, there is nothing left to resemble the previous life that seemed to exist so soundly just one half hour ago.
The BS stands there in true honest to goodness disbelief. "If there was EVER something I couldn't believe...this is it." The BS doesn't even know where to start. There is numbness. It is a novocaine numbness that permeates the whole body. But, as the scene of chaos stands VERY REAL before them, feelings return. Feelings so intense and strong from this NEW reality...that it seems crying is the ONLY thing that can be done. In fact, crying is too soft. It is SOBBING...the kind of gut wrenching sobbing that that makes others hurt and turn away. It is a sobbing born from loss one NEVER expected or NEVER deserved. In fact, as more information comes to light...it is a sobbing born from a pain that can only come from those that one loved and trusted with their very life. It is the pain Jesus felt when Judas betrayed him with a kiss.
As the BS falls to the ground, too tired, too hurt, too cold, too destroyed, to stand further...there is a simple but profound knowledge that life will be forever changed. No matter what happens. Life will be DIFFERENT from now on.
Sometimes it starts with stupid and fogged out WS's driving up to the BS in their 4 wheel drive SUV, decked out in nice clothes, and cell phone in hand, hollering something like:"Are you okay?" The BS is laying there barely alive and thinking: "Sure...I almost always have my life COMPLETELY SHATTERED AND SHREDDED BEFORE MY VERY EYES. But, thanks for asking." Other WS's have been heard to say things like: "You see this? YOU did this!" or "Knock it off and get your act together!" or "I'll be back to go through the mud and take what's mine...you can count on that." On occasion they look at the destruction and state:"I'm sorry...but excuse me...I need to take this call from my OP now. See ya!" And, even more rare, is the WS who so allows themselves to contemplate the pain before them that they weep. They realize THEY caused the earthquake. They realize THEY caused the TSUNAMI...and they crawl into the mud and hold their spouse...and they cry together. Thank You to the WS's who do not feel sorry for what they did...but for FEELING the PAIN of what they CAUSED.
Eventually, clean up crews arrive and start to offer support. It just seems like too little too late. These friends, family, counselors, support groups, etc., really are part of the clean up crew. But, the BS can't help but wish that someone, anyone, especially the WS would have just sounded that DAMN WARNING SYSTEM BEFORE this happened!
Would it REALLY have been that much trouble to be spared this tragedy? But asking questions like this does not heal the reality before them...so they dig around in the mud and look for ways to rebuild. And low and behold, there are some things worth keeping. Not many, but some. There are the kids who need a strong parent and a HOME to live in. There are sunsets to enjoy and family members to hug you. There are friends that will still harass you and make you laugh. And YOU ARE ALIVE!
And in time...the BS can heal from a place of being alive...to a place where they are LIVING again. A place to EMBRACE and ENJOY life...But DAMN!!! It sure takes time!
Take care my friends,