It means that I don't have to beat BH home so that he doesn't get nosy on my laptop.
It means that I don't have to be uneasy whenever BH and I are apart, wondering what he is doing, what he might have uncovered.
It means I don't have to catch the mail before he does, in fear that he will open my bank statements.
It means I don't have to keep track of my lies.
It means I don't have to hide the piles of mail and receipts I take to work every morning to put in the shredder.
It means I don't have to walk into a restaurant and worry who is seeing me, and what elaborate excuse I will use this time.
It means I don't have to scream with outrage everytime BH picks up my purse.
It means that I can use my free time to read, take a leisure bath, daydream, smile, breathe, nap.....and not worry what hubby will find behind my back.
It means I can look BH in the face each morning, and when I tell him where I am going and who I will see, I know that THAT is where I am going and WHO I will see.
It means that when I walk into the room and see him on my laptop, I can sit by quietly and wait for him to finish, instead of panic at what he might find.
It means that I can sit calmly while he scans the cell phone bill.
It means that I am being the woman who he really thinks I am. And when he says he loves me, he is loving the real me, and not the liar.
This is me....I am the person on the inside that I am on the outside. No panic, no worry, no lies, no obsessions. I am at peace, because my life is a total open book, and I am proud of what is written on its pages.
And if he were to kick me out tomorrow, I still have me.
It means that when BH has insomnia, I don't have to drag myself out of bed to see what he's doing at 2am.
It means I am feeling a sense of wonder at the strength I didn't know I had. I'm doing things I did not know I could do. I have a resolve and determination, and just like exercise builds muscle, so determination builds strength and commitment.
It means I can help others, because I did it, so I know its possible.
It means I sleep at night. I wake up rested. And I breathe easy.
It means I no longer have to wonder if any of my conversations have been overheard by my friends or family.
It means that I no longer feel like I am cheating on two people.
It means that when my beautiful H smiles at me, I can now smile back with no sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
It means that when my phone rings at home my heart doesn't start racing hoping its for the kids and not me.
It means I can read the bible and not have to skim over the adultery parts because I feel that God is talking specifically to me.
It means that I don't have to be on guard when I walk into a public place with my wife, hoping I won't see any familiar faces.
It means that when I see my wife come home for lunch, I will be happy knowing that she will be my lunch companion.