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Sex With Your Spouse After Infidelity
In the beginning our therapist banned sex between my H and I. He said that it would make me feel used. He told us to wait at least a month, then it was up to me. We waited a little over a month.
We do not have "sex" anymore...we "make love"...big difference. The first few months we did candles and music every time. When I was feeling unsure and scared, I wanted the lamp on, so that I would know that he knew it was me that he was making love to.
One night he turned the lamp off and I was hurt because in my mind I told myself that he didn't want to see my face, so that he could pretend that I was someone else. I had to explain this to him the next day when he wanted to know what was wrong.
You must communicate what you are feeling no matter how crazy it sounds...they can't read our minds. I wanted my husband to say my name...not pet names that could apply to anyone. He had to be soft and gentle.
There were many times that I cried during it and he would stop and just hold and comfort me and tell me how sorry he was and that he only loved me.
I unfortunately read an explicit letter describing everything that she did to my husband and that movie is hard to shake! One evening about 2 years after Rday, that image was really strong in my mind and I woke my husband up to try and reenact it myself...wrong wrong wrong!!!!
My husband was tired and I felt very rejected and hurt. My mind went spiraling out of control with thoughts like...he did it with her...she woke him up and he was ready...what's wrong with me.
We did work through this the next day. I just kept telling myself what the therapist told us...we each have veto power over sex.
I have said all of this just to say...it does get better, but you will still hit bumps in the road. You need to decide what is most helpful to you and let your spouse know.
By the way, my husband said that he would never reject me again, though he did not see it as rejection. I told him that this would be unrealistic and that I would try not to set myself up like that again.
Three years after Rday, sex is great between us. I no longer battle the movies, images, or the flashes of images of him with anyone else. It is a special and loving time of connection for us.