This is a question I ponder in all different degrees...daily. As the FWS I HATE that I have destroyed that euphoric sense of happiness. Strong word HATE....But it is the most accurate account of how I feel. I HATE THIS MESS I GOT US INTO!! I yearn for that "I AM HAPPY WITH YOU AND YOU WITH ME FOREVER" feeling again. I think of it about every hour of everyday. That innocent feeling, that "you are the number ONE person in my life, you were made for me, and I will do anything for you" feeling. I miss it so much! Everyday seems like a choice now. Should I stay or go, should I cry or smile, should I hate or love. I know he feels this way too. He despises what I did to us, but I despise what I did even more. He NEVER questioned me before. He never imagined life without me before. Now I feel him question...I see his eyes browse looking at other women...wondering if he would have been happier with her...or her...or her. Would THEY have betrayed him, hurt him, or crushed him. Are they happier more dynamic people with better less needy personalities??? I lost the most important value I had in life, I valued myself.....I lost the faith he had in me and the innocence we shared. We had our moments throughout the 10 plus years...but no matter what we knew that we were together no matter what. Now that the NO MATTER WHAT has hit, everyday is a struggle against anger, time, and loneliness.
I miss the innocence of a marriage untouched by infidelity. I miss the happiness of a day spent together. I miss the sheer blissful moments we shared when we accomplished things together, the excited phone calls he would make to me when he got a pat on the back at work or a possibility at a raise or promotion. I miss the honest chuckles and sweet eye contact. I miss easy phone calls and no paranoia.
Seems to me that reconciliation is a double edged sword, really. You basically let go of the innocent and blissful days..those are gone...and you embrace the struggle of staying together and trying to reinvent a new kind of marriage and life as you let go together of what was, and will never be again...
I do miss the happiness. I question whether I am happy and whether he is happy all of the time. I question whether it is fair to ask him to stay with me after doing this to him...knowing that his happiness will never be what it was before....it is SELFISH. I know I AM SELFISH. And any true remorseful spouse knows that what they ask for is selfish. To ask someone to rebound and rebuild, to continue on...to put back the pieces that are left...and to try to be happy with us again.
I think TIME is the key. As the time passes...the pain dulls, a new marriage emerges....and in a sense a new kind of happiness and less ignorant bliss.... It is a NEW normal....a new life for two people and/or a family. The old unknowing ignorance...simple innocence...and easy going happiness are long gone....but new things will replace them....RIGHT???? We can allllll hope.