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User Topic: Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide (repost for newbies)
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, December 6th (Wednesday)

This is a cut/paste from a previous post, a little bit modified for clarity. Hope it helps.

I will add that now i know that my own withdrawal was so intense because of grief over a lot of other things besides AP... but at the beginning it was all focused on the loss of AP and nearly drove me insane. So do not despair if you suffer a lot of pain and think that it "must be true love or it wouldn't hurt like this" That is a lie. You have other issues. But you have to get through this pain for now...and so here are my suggestions, what worked for me.


***********************************


okay, I'd be one of those who dealt with withdrawal for a year plus. And with obsessive thoughts. So lemme roll up my sleeves and tell you what's helped me.

first three or four months out I was on the floor unable to function. I found a message board and posted there constantly to start sorting out all i felt and thought. Also signed up with a GREAT family therapist for IC. He gave me the Feeling Good Handbook. I read it voraciously. Go get it. He asked me a question I'll never forget.

"what do you lose by losing FOM?"

answering that helped.

I started making a list of lies I had believed about myself and my marriage and FOM.

that helped too. So when a thought popped in I would replace it with the truth. The truth really does set you free. The uncovering of lies is always ongoing.

I'd been a Precept leader at one point. I started an inductive Bible study on love in the the Bible. I hit Song of Solomon pretty hard and enrolled in a class in it with my H at church. also worked through 1 Peter together. (precept.org)

I prayed a lot. I got prayer from others. there is a Prayer thread on the I Can Relate board for this purpose. Go join if you are so inclined. I honestly do not care if you are Wiccan or Hindu. I will pray for you. Post requests. No bashing will be found there.

I have two friends I can talk to any time. Being honest and open with people helped me be honest with self. I think a lot of the thoughts were a result of bottling it all up, keeping silent for years.

I changed my playlist. Any music that triggered me got zapped.

I changed my route home. I changed grocery stores, avoided places that triggered me.

I turned to my husband, opening up and talking for HOURS. Yes about FOM. That man deserves a medal. Honestly.

I felt a connection. The only way I can describe it is haunted, where I 'd feel like he was in the room with me. When one of those waves hit it was really hard. But I just decided that a connection didn't mean I had to keep being connected. I didn't have to act on it. Maybe it was just my imagination. A big imagination with a strong will acting on it can be a scary thing. But either way I made a conscious decision I was not going to act in those times. A couple of times I broke and emailed but when I did I told my H. It is important that when you fail yourself that you do NOT GIVE UP. You get up and start all over. A relapse is not the end of the world. It is an opportunity to discover the trigger and deactivate it.

I dug and dug and dug for what it was that was the root of it all.

I logged the thoughts. Times, exactly what they were. Reading them helped a lot. I could see how stupid they were. I studied the stages of grief so I could identify when I was bargaining, angry, in denial, etc. A quote from a post someone had helped me see this:

the five stages of grief…
1. DENIAL – the shock of finally realizing that it’s only an A to MM and MM is not leaving his BW or giving up anything (for some of us it’s a D-day and the realization that we were not that important as MM led us to believe in the grand scheme of their lives…just fill in the blank ________
2. ANGER --- you realize that MM is a rat bastard or you realize that MM is a “nice guy” but he dragged you along to keep is life OK…or a host of other angry thoughts…just fill in the blank _______
3. BARGAINING --- if I accept things the way they are I can still be in MM’s life and I’ll feel OK. I might be able to see him at work and keep the conversations light...I might be able to call him from time to time and “just be friends” any contact is better than no contact…just fill in the blank _________
4. DEPRESSION --- I am sh*t, I am nothing…I deserve this treatment…What am I going to do without him…I cannot go on…just fill in the blank _________
5. ACCEPTANCE --- OK…this is wearing me out and getting me no where…MM is staying where he is with BW and I’m sitting home alone and doing nothing but vegetating. I have to make more out of my life than sitting around waiting to be with MM … I’m going to live my life…and, hey! It’s not so bad being stress free of all the bullsh*t!...just fill in the blank ________

you are in the bargaining stage of the stages of grief. Any type of contact with MM is better than nothing. Loving him unconditionally and waiting in the background as long as you can still have him in your life in any way. Making a deal with yourself to ease the pain to avoid what is reality.

Please investigate the stages of grief and you will realize what you are doing at this time during the ending of your A. The Anger, Bargaining and Depression stages can fluctuate and toggle back in forth throughout the whole experience.

Eventually you will reach acceptance regarding your MM and realize that the situation will not improve for you and you will become increasingly unhappy.
_______________________


I tried to be thankful. I made a thankful list to record all the blessings I have and to dwell on those instead of my envy or lust or anger.

slowly the content of the thoughts changed. slowly I felt better, able to function. Slowly I saw him differently.

I modified the 12 steps and tried to practice them. I listened to a lot of sermons online. Alisdair Begg, Chuck Swindoll (he has several series on marriage that just rock) I read Gandhi. I read Joseph Campbell and thought about the hero quest and how it applied to me.

and I worked hard at identifying the things in my marriage that hurt, that I wanted to escape from. I faced those things...this is ongoing. Instead of stuffing my thoughts and feelings I started to tell my H. We went to MC.

I had to forgive FOM and myself and H. I had to forgive a lot of other people too as old wounds that still affected me were brought to light. still have to some days.

I studied abandonment and worked through the AKERU exercises (abandonment.net). The inner dialogues helped me a lot . I worked through a lot of stuff at recoverynation.com. I read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Read it aloud to my H. We went through the Emotional Needs Questionnaire at marriagebuilders.com. I have tried to adhere to the things they teach there.

I learned how to take a wave apart and look at it. What led up to it? why was I upset ? what exactly was I thinking? what need could be met exactly and how could it be met in a healthy way? what was I running from or afraid of? what did I need to confess? or accept? what lie did I need to replace with truth? where did I need to repent? what habits did I need to change? I 'd pick a habit and work on stopping whatever it was. one of my big ones was tarot. I was NOT walking with God throughout those years and got really new age. I did tarot all day sometimes. it got chucked. All the books, all the decks, all my online memberships. I read cards professionally for a while, that had to end too. I'd look at what led up to it. Anatomy of a wave. I'd try to find what triggered it. And usually it was stress or anxiety about something going on right now. A bad phone call, a pressure on me from work. Knowing that helped me to find other ways to handle the stress. It wasn't HIM I missed, it was the support. I needed to find new outlets, new supports, some of them from within. Most of them from within.


you know? the wave of pain? It was normally brought on by "magical thinking" As a good friend told me:
"It is also important to recognize that we feed our addiction with our minds. It is a bitch. An alki has to go buy and drink the booze; a junky has to score and shoot the dope, all we have to do is replay the past or fantasize about the future. "

see in an A you build in little habits to keep connected when you don't see the person. To keep it alive.

so you have to dismantle that whole apparatus. you know what it is... maybe you visit certain places on the web or listen to certain music, replay certain memories. it has to stop. you have to switch gears. Replace those things. do that for your husband, your kids, your family and friends instead.

I covered my computer with sticky notes. Whatever is good, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is excellent or worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things. Any thoughts not meeting the criteria get booted or examined or both.

I read anything and everything I could find.

one thing I really struggled with was competing desires. opposing competing desires. I 'd list the desires, all of them and determine which ones were in conflict and then try to figure out why and where they were coming from. I prayed a lot for my desires to change and be godly. sow a thought reap an action. sow an action reap a habit. sow a habit reap a character. sow a character, reap a destiny.

I discovered that I was an idolater. I worked hard to make my god my God again.

another idea that struck me as powerful and set me on the right path:

*****************
">>>Just trying to figure this out...what is it about xMM that makes us so obsessive over him? Why is it that, although its obvious that so many of the women out there attempting to get over him are intelligent, we get sucked into a relationship that is so wrong and so difficult to dismiss? <<<

There is a very simple answer to that: it isn't really anything about xMM. It's us.

Easy enough to turn away from somebody not right for you, once you see them for what/who they are. But once you imbue them with stuff *you* yourself provide - projecting ideals, coloring in the blanks with stuff of your own making - it's a different ballgame. Because it is a hell of a lot more difficult to turn away from yourself.

If you have ever taken a psych 101 class, you know how easy it is to simply reflect a person back at herself. All you do is repeat what they said, only with a question mark at the end.

Somebody tells you: "I hate my mother."
All you do is repeat, with question mark: "You hate your mother?"

You have not added anything to the conversation, much less shown even a tad of yourself. All you have done is play mirror. Yet, by giving this response, the other person will think that:

1) You understand them
2) You sympathize
3) You want to hear more and are genuinely interested

Such a simple technique, yet it works like a charm. Now combine this with a relationship that is highly charged. Both parties anxious and eager/fearful to see certain reactions. Time for communication often severely limited. The communication itself under much stress. The main priority often to establish that yes, we are still interested in each other - which takes precedence over any real, give-and-take, non-stressful communication. Voila: perfect conditions for projection on both sides.

So many blanks to fill in... and being in love, we fill them in with the highest and most beautiful things our minds and hearts can come up with. Try turning away from THAT. Try turning away from the best *you* have come up with.

The only way is to see it was you. Not them. Get it straight, take back yours, see it for what it is. Then, maybe, you can turn away."
************************

some things I learned along the way...

NC=love for all involved.

friends is code for an EA. There is no being friends.

you don't have to WANT to do what is right. Do what is right and the wanting to can come later. You'll be happy you did.

your heart really will follow your head.

take it one hour at a time. Breathe. Deep breaths. That helps.
you know, I used to spend my days talking to him. It killed me to have to restructure my life. Like amputation.

one hour at a time.

When it got bad I would stop, look around the room and name colors, it helped me to be present in the NOW. Posting helped too. Focusing on my kids. Getting up and going for a walk. Calling a friend.

you can do this. Lie number ONE that your junkie mind will tell you is that you cannot do this. It is NOT TRUE. You can do this. It will get easier. You are UNCOMFORTABLE not UNABLE. they are not the same thing. Part of it is brain chemistry and it is physical. Go get antidepressants to help with that part. That will recede. It will get easier.

and on the other side lies self-respect.

ETA:

About that getting forgiveness from OP...this will crop up and it is a temptation or lure to get you to break NC, it's bargaining. Do not break it.

however, you can imagine him/her forgiving you.

I did that. I get to choose how I view OM now because he is gone. And always will be, it doesnt matter. I know GOD has forgiven me, and I asked Him to let OM forgive me... and then I placed it in His hands. And then I just.. pictured OM forgiving. It doesnt matter if he has or not. I'll never interact with him again. I trust my Lord to take care of it. it isn't something I have to control. So you can imagine it, picture it... pray for him, and then let it go.

thats one thing I do ..still..if he does pop into my head. Because sometimes he does. I pray for him and his W and kids. I probably always will.

[This message edited by Maia at 9:59 AM, April 1st (Wednesday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, December 6th (Wednesday)

bump


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
14thebooks
Member
Member # 12661
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, December 7th (Thursday)

Maia,
Thanks for digging for this and posting it. It is really good. I will print it out and reread it when I need to (constantly!! LOL)I also changed my playlist, my route home (although my alternate route is a trigger - just less so). I changed my work hours... If I could afford to, I would throw out half my clothes. It's amazing the way I connect(ed) things to him! I almost can't watch t.v. because I hear "Ask your doctor about...." on every commecial. Plus I work in the medical field myself, so the triggers are EVERYWHERE anyway. Removing him physically is one thing -- but getting him out of my mind is a total other. You gave me some new ideas though. But I don't have any "friends" that know - except those on the forums and I could NEVER talk to my H about OM -- he still just wants to kill him. I have tried to gently explain my feelings to him, but it never goes well. Maybe it is too soon for him. But thanks again. It is clear you have done some serious work to invoke some serious change. Thanks for sharing.

[This message edited by 14thebooks at 5:19 AM, December 7th (Thursday)]


48 y/o WW
50 y/o BS
Married 27 ys

Posts: 553 | Registered: Nov 2006
comingundone
Member
Member # 12452
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, December 7th (Thursday)

Thank-you Maia.


Me/FWS-45
Him/BS-44
2 great kids(15,11)
1 high-maintenance dog
Love isn't in the falling, it's in the staying. ♥

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Midwest
conflicted04
Member
Member # 4718
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, December 7th (Thursday)

I say this is one for the healing library.

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Jun 2004
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, December 7th (Thursday)

you're welcome.

buy the new clothes. honestly. It's Christmas. it's worth it. whatever it takes, as long as it takes.

the thing to remember is that you are wounded. You inflicted those wounds yourself but you are still wounded. Healing takes time. Don't think that just because there is pain it will never heal. A person whose leg is broken has pain while it mends. But it does mend. And you will walk again, unfettered.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, December 7th (Thursday)

Maia...

This would be a wonderful addition for the Healing Library...are you game?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197952 | Registered: May 2002
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, December 7th (Thursday)

sure. (keep me from having to dig it out... lol)

[This message edited by Maia at 9:33 AM, December 7th (Thursday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, December 7th (Thursday)

I sent you a PM


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197952 | Registered: May 2002
vidajeanne
Member
Member # 5342
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, December 7th (Thursday)

This is yummy spirit food!


on the other hand - I have other fingers
**********
Practice makes progress

Posts: 766 | Registered: Sep 2004
DigDug
Member
Member # 10117
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, December 15th (Friday)

bump


~DigDug~

A BS who is divorced after four years of giving it my best.

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. ~ Cathy Carlyle


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2006
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, December 17th (Sunday)

bump for JMD


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, December 30th (Saturday)

bump for alanalan


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, January 9th (Tuesday)

bump for fencesitter :-)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, January 25th (Thursday)

bump for disappointedinme and a few others.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
firmforever
Member
Member # 12958
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, January 27th (Saturday)

bumping for newbie, Maia also I would love for you to add what you said to be about picture OM forgiving you, that was an awesome point that shouldn't be missed.

Posts: 303 | Registered: Dec 2006
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, February 9th (Friday)

bumpity bumpity


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Sandcrab
Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, February 9th (Friday)

And again so this doesn't get lost!


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
NoClue07
New Member
Member # 13198
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, February 10th (Saturday)

Maia,

Thanks so much - this is printed for constant reference.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jan 2007
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, February 19th (Monday)

bumpity bumpity for Sierra


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 12th (Monday)

bumpity bumpity


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
GalGrowingUp
Member
Member # 13824
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, March 13th (Tuesday)

Thank you Maia.

I'm not R with STBXWS, but was fooled by a lying xMM.

This is helpful for both betrayals. I'm so glad I found this place. Very helpful!


Posts: 218 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: New Hampshire
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)

you're welcome.

and welcome to SI.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, March 19th (Monday)

bumpity bumpity


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)

bump for newbie

:-)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
ohpuhlease
Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)

bumping cause this is a darn good read for everyone.

Ya...wow! Holy insight Batman!


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

bump


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, April 14th (Saturday)

bump


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)

bump


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
comingundone
Member
Member # 12452
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)

Thanks for the bump Maia!!!!!!!!!!


Me/FWS-45
Him/BS-44
2 great kids(15,11)
1 high-maintenance dog
Love isn't in the falling, it's in the staying. ♥

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Midwest
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)

what if you aren't married and have no faith?

someone asked me that today after reading this.

good question.

here is my answer.

______________

first of all, there is an agnostic/atheist thread in the "I can relate" forum.

go join it. talk to others in your situation.

and secondly....even if you're not in some way religious, you can meditate. That can be helpful. Deep breathing. And most religious works have truth. Read Ghandi. read Carl Jung. Read Joseph Campbell. Search for TRUTH. thats the idea. A search for truth is always a voyage of self discovery and i know if you seek truth with all of your heart, you will always find it. Start looking at lies you've believed, examining your own heart.

you must make amends to yourself.

you've damaged yourself deeply.

and likely you have a moral code. Define it. Decide what things violate your sense of self-respect and dignity.

Sue Monk Kidd wrote a book you might appreciate about self-discovery, it was called "Dance of the Dissident Daughter"

A lady I love deeply and admire for her wisdom, an agnostic friend, recommended it to me.

I was apostate at first. I'd left Christianity for years. I want you to know that. I refused to pray, practiced tarot and tried to follow its path and got into New Age rituals ... if anything at all. Mostly nothing. I found a lot of help regardless, started the road to sanity without real faith, a weird mixture of it and something else.

I did turn back to my faith obviously. But i totally respect and sympathize with those who do not share it.

Gandhi said, "I like your Christ, but not your Christians."

yeah. I know the feeling. I decided to give Christianity another chance and ignore the Christians who'd wounded me. ...try to know Christ. But I know not all will do that. I'm realistic.

Be honest. Try these things. And try giving to your community, to others, in simple ways. Practice selflessness.

and I'd like to add that in the stories of others many times we see ourselves and the truth of our own hearts in ways we can't otherwise. Seek stories that touch you deeply, and pay attention to what they are saying. Journal that. They will likely give you answers about your journey.

write your autobiography. thats a big one.

you have to discover who you are. and what your goals are for your life. and for happiness and for marriage.

and I promise solemnly to pray for you.

[This message edited by Maia at 12:07 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 21st (Saturday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
firmforever
Member
Member # 12958
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 24th (Tuesday)

bumping for newbie

Posts: 303 | Registered: Dec 2006
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 26th (Thursday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
LostInTx
Member
Member # 14223
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, April 26th (Thursday)

Maia,

Thank you so much! Wish my WW would read this!! It should be in healing library!!!


Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: TX
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, May 1st (Tuesday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 9th (Wednesday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 10th (Thursday)

bumpity bumpity


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 11th (Friday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, May 14th (Monday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)

for Gomer.

and I'm praying for you right now.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 7th (Thursday)

^bump^


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197952 | Registered: May 2002
polar
Member
Member # 14400
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 14th (Saturday)

bump-

Greatest post...


BH- 37
XWW- 34- EA/PA
ddays: 3/24/07, 4/2/07, 4/21/07, etc...
Divorced before '08 could have any d-days in it. :)
I never would have left if she would have just come back.

Posts: 1521 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: South FL
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
idealist
Member
Member # 9462
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)

Happy Thanksgiving to you Maia!!

It is fantastic to "see" you and I hope things are going well in your life.



Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Southern California
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, December 21st (Friday)

shameless bump

Merry Christmas


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, January 26th (Saturday)

bump


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Ibelieveinme
Member
Member # 11363
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, January 26th (Saturday)

double post

[This message edited by Ibelieveinme at 2:55 PM, January 26th (Saturday)]




Posts: 1842 | Registered: Jul 2006
Ibelieveinme
Member
Member # 11363
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, January 26th (Saturday)

I discovered that I was an idolater. I worked hard to make my god my God again.

Great post from someone who made me finally understand the other side.




Posts: 1842 | Registered: Jul 2006
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)

bump for newbies.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, March 14th (Friday)

bumping again in response to a pm.

hope you found it now!!!

HUGS


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

for April


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

^bump^

For newbies...


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
JoePike
Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Bumping for newbies.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
lonelynlost
Member
Member # 18616
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Maia:

Thanks so much for sharing this wonderful guideline/post.

I wish my WW would read this. It may give her some insights into how to give up OM and do what is good and right my her kids and me.

LonelynLost


Me-BS 56 XWW-53

DD-10/25/2007
Separated 3/8/2008
D Final 8/31/2009


Posts: 517 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: South Jersey
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 1st (Wednesday)

JP, sorry I didn't answer sooner, life is nutty. bumping by request....

[This message edited by Maia at 9:56 AM, April 1st (Wednesday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Tried23
Member
Member # 21076
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, April 1st (Wednesday)

Thank you.....


Me: FWS (me) 48
Husband: BS 44
Married: 14 Years, 2 kids (14 and 13)
D-Day 1: 07/27/08
D-Day 2: 4/15/09 Same OM
D-Day 3: 3/2/2010 All disclosed
Reconciling

Posts: 375 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: MN
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 9th (Thursday)

bump - I know beach mined this post and quoted me and bumps hers all the time, which is cool!! But there are things she omitted from it that I think are probably worth reading still. take it or leave it.

xoxox peace.

[This message edited by Maia at 1:27 PM, April 9th (Thursday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, April 9th (Thursday)

I want to add one more thing.

A lot of the obsession and pain for me rose out of control. The desire to control. I would manipulate, scheme, plan, plot and maneuver...I was extremely controlling. The controlling stemmed from fear. If you had asked me if I had anxiety I'd have said no. It wasn't something I could even see until I was free of it.

If you can't give up control, then you need to discover what it is you fear. If you are obsessed with a person or situation or dream and have made it your redemption, you need to discover what it is that you're running from. Whether it is being alone, or being abandoned, or being hurt... the only way to overcome it is to face it, to have love come into those terrified places in you, and to release the fear. You have to go into those places and reject the deep-seated lies you have believed and are acting on.

You're going to vacillate between controlling and hiding, with a combo of both, until you overcome your fears and heal. I'll reiterate, if you haven't read them...Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and Wild At Heart by John Eldredge and The Journey of Desire by Eldredge... they have been essential to me. If you're still fighting the battle and losing, you might pick them up, get the workbooks... it is worth it.

k... hope that helps.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, April 9th (Thursday)

awesome, Maia!!


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, April 9th (Thursday)

going to add this here as well. For canuckian. (spelling?)

this is about Agreements. I'm just cutting and pasting from another post of mine but I think it will help you.

For those WS's who successfully R and are in a happy marriage, do you still have feelings of love for the AP? Not that you would act on them, but over time do those feelings get less or are they always at the front of your mind?

If my wife and I do R, I struggle with knowing that those thoughts are there. We have never had a relationship with anyone else until she had her A. It is a difficult pill to swallow.

Do I still have feelings of love for OP?

Hell. No.

I can't respect him. I think he is a deeply wounded and sick person and I pity him. I MOURN for his wife and hope desperately she is okay, that his kids are okay...I hope he got help. Is that love? if so, then... that is the extent of it. I'd like to know they all are okay. That's more about hoping I did not totally destroy his W and kids than anything else. So that comes up now and again but other than that... nothing. If it comes up I pray for them.

I'll tell you something, I'm a Christian and I think that not all thoughts in our heads are ours. You know the little angel/demon on the shoulder in old cartoons? well, I believe that. I think we have external spiritual influences all the time. You don't have to agree with that and if you're not a Christian, you'll think I'm batso. But that is okay... laughing.

You can't dodge responsibility and say "the devil made me do it" I'm not saying that. But the thing is, when a thought is presented to your mind, you have the option of agreeing with it and continuing down the same thought-road or rejecting it and changing the channel. You're responsible for your choice in that... when you choose to keep thinking about a subject instead of rejecting it and switching channels, you're guilty. So you're not responsible for the reminder or the initial thought and shouldn't blame yourself or allow blame for something that occurs to you. It might not be just you. But if you respond to it with rejection, there is no fault at all. And you do have the power and the choice. Whether you agree with me or not about the spiritual side of it, I think that whole concept can be helpful. Don't make agreements.

ETA: When you stop making agreements... that little voice in you that says: yeah,
that is how it is.

and start making rejections:
no, I choose something else, in spite of my feelings, my feelings are not me.

then you'll start to see real change.

ETA:

that whole idea about your feelings not being the real you, that is really important too. Because if you think your feelings are you, you're going to stay stuck.

Your feelings are just the voice of your heart.

they are not you.

They will shout whatever you feed them with your thoughts, and run those thoughts through the filter of your old wounds and then come out the other side with a voice. But the true you is your -will- Your choices. The part of you that chooses. You can deny your feelings and make choices regardless of what your feelings are screaming. And -that- is who you are. The true you. The part of you doing the choosing is the true you. I think even feelings are um. Played upon and may not be totally you. But whether you think that or not, you DO have the power to make choices. Think of your feelings as being handicapped. Schizophrenic. Sick. Twisted. whatever. You can't trust them again until you get some healing. That is why you do what you know is right whether you want to or not, the wanting to comes later... because you can't -want to- till you get some healing. Untwisted. But the feelings are not a true reflection of who you are. Don't believe the lie that they are or it will keep you stuck.

anyhow, that is how I see things, hope it helps.

[This message edited by Maia at 2:05 PM, April 9th (Thursday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
strugglingmomi4
Member
Member # 18015
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, April 10th (Friday)

Just wanted to say THANK YOU for the post.... Ahhm looking forward to puting it to GREAT use.

Thanks Again


...Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do... But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength...


Posts: 277 | Registered: Jan 2008
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, April 15th (Wednesday)

(((struggling)))

print. carry with you. really. or use index cards. Index cards are a great tool. If you have a helpful truth you can put it there, stick it in your pocket, carry it and when the triggers or obsessive thoughts come, pull it out and reflect on that truth, focus on it instead... it's a way to change the channel. I used to write down choices I had made and wanted to stick to, to remind myself of the choice. I remember locking myself in the bathroom and yelling at myself "YOU CHOSE THIS!!! YOU CHOSE!!!!!" and just reaffirming that choice.

some decisions have to made moment by moment.


okay, one issue I think I also want to say some thing about, it's just a little more on Agreements...

Wanting xAP to pay.

If longing doesn't trip you up, the next trap to hit you will be bitterness and hate.

Anything to get you to break NC.

you'll be tempted to find out how they are so you can find out if they are suffering too. It is curiosity but it is also... just ...revenge, anger. really. Or if you have forgiven then feelings of guilt (did you destroy them?) will come up.

again it is a ploy and trap.

But if you want to see them hurt...

The thing is you're being tempted to not give up your right to hurt that person. That is what forgiveness is, giving up the right to hurt him, to see them hurt like you. You have that right...an eye for an eye. But you have to release it.

It is yet another pit along this path. Choose to forgive and when the angry thoughts come then go back to what you have chosen (put it on an index card!!)...and reject those thoughts. Forgiveness is an act of the will and it will take time for your emotions to catch up, but it starts with your thoughts... what you agree with and reject.

agreements are big.

I'll just reiterate, go get books by John Eldredge, pick one. They will help. Doesn't matter if you don't share my faith, go get em.

peace guys!!!

[This message edited by Maia at 9:00 AM, April 15th (Wednesday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, May 7th (Thursday)

bump for newbies.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
retailtherapy
Member
Member # 23772
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 8th (Friday)

Maia,

I've read your post numerous times.
It really helped me from the very begnning... I printed it and have it in my agenda.

Thanks!


D-day March 09.
NC for good April 28, 09.
A lasted just over 1 year. First EA/then PA. OM WAS my friend for years beforehand...Buh Bye..

My BH is incredible. I am so lucky to be given a 2nd chance.


Posts: 165 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canadia- aka Canuck County
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 11th (Monday)

bump


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 12th (Tuesday)

you're welcome, glad it helped. :-)

bump.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Calypso
New Member
Member # 23895
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 12th (Tuesday)

Lots of food for thought in this thread. Thank you Maia.

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2009
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, May 13th (Wednesday)

you're welcome. I also posted a "healing prayer" topic in Inspirations that has the Steps to Healing the Eldredges use in their books. It is excerpted from Waking the Dead. Prayed with a member from here last week over those and she is free. It was kickin. You have no idea how awesome.

anyhow. it's there too if you want it.

[This message edited by Maia at 7:58 AM, May 13th (Wednesday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
imscared_k
Member
Member # 14061
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)

bump

If your struggling, please heed this thread. We've been their done that, and made it through the other side.


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Mar 2007
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 29th (Friday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
musiclover
Member
Member # 23172
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 5th (Friday)

Great post Maia. Thank you

Posts: 1442 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Ontario
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 9th (Tuesday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, June 30th (Tuesday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Iamsooscared
Member
Member # 24319
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 1st (Wednesday)

Glad you bumped this - I recently lost a bunch of Word docs that had this and some other stuff saved.
This is such good reading. I find it really helpful.
Thanks Maia.


Me: Forgiven WW (40's)
He: BH (40's)
DDay 05/01/09 - see profile for details.
Kids - DD & DS
Working on R
Character: Its what you do when no one is looking.

Posts: 495 | Registered: Jun 2009
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 5th (Sunday)

bump for get mylifeback.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 16th (Thursday)

bump for princes pain.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)

Bump for Definitely pain.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 17th (Thursday)

bump for newbies.

welcome :-)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 18th (Friday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)

bumping for newbies


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, January 25th (Monday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
2boys1wife
Member
Member # 24322
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, January 25th (Monday)

Wow this really helps...I am going to have to print this


Me: WS 30
Her:BS 29
2 Boys 3 and 2
D-Day #1 8/1/2006 - OW's brother found out and I had to tell BS
D-Day #2 5/28/2009 - Told BW with a text message from OW's vehicle.

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: PA
wolfxsol
Member
Member # 26295
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 25th (Monday)

will use this for quitting smoking when I do...LOL.


BS...staying that way.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Tulsa
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, January 25th (Monday)

Maia, This is genius and so spot on in so many ways.
Thank you, wish I'd seen it sooner.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1986 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, January 25th (Monday)

wolf, you're actually not far wrong. Addiction is addiction.

glad to be of service guys.

And do record your journey. it will be invaluable for you and others.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, January 28th (Thursday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)

bump!


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, February 25th (Thursday)

bump by request

see it now?

:-)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
runoverbytruck
Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 1st (Monday)

Putting back on page 1 for ange.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, April 5th (Monday)

bump


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, April 18th (Sunday)

for GroundZero


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Listeningclosely
Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, May 1st (Saturday)

bump


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 24 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4471 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, May 13th (Thursday)

bump


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, August 8th (Sunday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Lost68
Member
Member # 27515
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 23rd (Monday)

Bump

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Sevilla
Lost68
Member
Member # 27515
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, September 20th (Monday)

bump
((help&healing))

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Sevilla
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, October 27th (Wednesday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Proview
Member
Member # 24215
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, October 28th (Thursday)

Thanks Maia!

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2009 | From: AZ transplant
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 30th (Saturday)

you're welcome, Pro. bumping by request. hope it helps


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, December 10th (Friday)

Bumping for the newbies and even as a re-read for the older ones too ... cough cough ..


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Lost68
Member
Member # 27515
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, January 4th (Tuesday)

Bump

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Sevilla
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, March 10th (Thursday)

It was time to bump this back to the front where it might be read again and the wisdom in it shared once more. BUMP!


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
leftoolate
Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, March 11th (Friday)

bump for Merlin.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 817 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, March 11th (Friday)

I really needed this. Thanks to whoever bumped it!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5050 | Registered: Dec 2010
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, March 13th (Sunday)

rachel...we've been there.

take one day at a time.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 8th (Friday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
jdt1973
Member
Member # 31750
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, April 8th (Friday)

That was awesome. Thanks for this post!


After all is said and done, just shut the hell up.
WH(me) 38
BS 38
Togethher 21 years, married 19
5 kids - 17,15,12,10,2
DD#1 4/2001 - EA/PA
DD#2 10/2009 - EA/PA
DD#3 1/4/2011 - EA/PA same AP as DD#2
R - trying hard

Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Texas
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 8th (Sunday)

bumping for any newbies.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5890 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
sunnyrain
Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 8th (Sunday)

thank you maia (and clarrissa). i've seen this thread "bumped" many times but never actually read it.

this morning, i read it.


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 388 | Registered: Nov 2010
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, May 12th (Thursday)

You are welcome sunny.

Did it help or are you still in quicksand?

I am praying for you.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
sunnyrain
Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, May 12th (Thursday)

hi maia! thanks for the prayers... much appreciated.

re did your thread help?-- most definitely.

got this little gem from another member which has also helped:

i am directly responsible for the choices i make. the choices i make affect the people i love and those around me. it is my responsiblity alone to make the right choices. i will make the right choices today.

re still in quicksand?-- well, like your quote says: uncomfortable is not the same thing as unable.

ty, sunny


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 388 | Registered: Nov 2010
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 12th (Thursday)

keep a notebook of the Truth you get daily, it'll help.

good, good. glad to hear you're plugging away.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 9th (Saturday)

Bump


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
whatnow2011
Member
Member # 32373
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

uncomfortable is not the same thing as unable
I like this.


Thanks for all the bumps.


Grateful for every day I am given the opportunity to show ConfusedBH how important he is to me.
Me: WW (heartless, selfish & boundaryless) Him: BH (ConfusedBH)
Married 20; together 24
DDay: February 2011
Working on R

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2011
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Sandcrab
Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 5th (Monday)


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 6th (Tuesday)

Bump for lostpainful


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Sandcrab
Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 7th (Wednesday)

Don't want this to get lost....


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
Sandcrab
Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 8th (Thursday)


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, January 13th (Friday)

Bumping before it's lost.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
outtamymind
Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, January 15th (Sunday)

Thank you for posting this and to those who bumped it up. I'd have never seen it.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 316 | Registered: Oct 2011
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, January 17th (Tuesday)


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, January 25th (Wednesday)

Here's another bump.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, February 20th (Monday)

Bump, Hope this helps you.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Betrayed~H
Member
Member # 34383
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, February 27th (Monday)

Bump


Me - 41, BH (Madhatter as well)
Her - 39, WW
Together 18 years, M for 11
Dday - 05/01/11
DS - 9 yo
DD - 5 yo
TT discovered 12/26, it got ugly
Separated 12/26

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jan 2012
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, March 3rd (Saturday)

For Frostian


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, March 9th (Friday)

bump for rcant


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
rollercoaster80
Member
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, March 10th (Saturday)

First time I've seen this post...found it helpful even as a BS.....wise advice to unstick yourself from an unhealthy cycle. I have a son struggling with addiction....this would be great advice to him....sadly he must follow his own path.Thanks Maia!


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, March 12th (Monday)

rollercoaster, the path out of slavery is the same, doesnt matter what enslaves you. I will pray for your son. And for your heart.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, March 12th (Monday)

bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
rollercoaster80
Member
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, March 12th (Monday)

Thanks Maia. We can use all the prayers we can get. Life is a journey not a destination....but geez sometimes the road gets so bumpy....he seems to be moving on....HOPE....always have hope


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)

Bump for justliving


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
justliving
New Member
Member # 35108
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)

Alot here and it's sooo much. I grew up a christian and fell from GOD for the past few years. It is something that I want to rectify in my life but am scared to deal with my GOD issues... Thanks for the reposting wincings_sparkle. Thanks Maia for taking the time to share so much. I know that SI is where I need to be. Will be a frequent reader of your advice.


Me, 33 WS
Him, 33 BS
Children 13,10,5
Married 11 yrs...
D-Day February 18th, 2012.

Everyday is a New Day!


Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: usmc
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)

hey justliving!

I'm on and off here depending on Life. but will make an effort to be on if someone asks ;-)

someone did.

will be praying for you. all issues usually end up being God. but it doesnt have to be that religious pie in the sky impractical-just-makes-you-guilty type of thing.

it can be really healing.

just take baby steps.

peace.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
thegooddokta
Member
Member # 35641
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, May 24th (Thursday)

Thank you for posting for this newbie. I really, really needed to see this. Knowing that there is a withdrawal process and that the pain I am in is normal has been invaluable for me. I am at the very beginning of this process of ending A and seeing if R is possible. I need all the guidance I can get.


Me- BW 43
Him- WH 35
1stDday Dday 4-19-12
Married 9 yrs
Divorce sched for June 2013
2 kids 5 & 8

W/H-currently has a new girlfriend. We are still living in same house.


Posts: 118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: CT
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, May 29th (Tuesday)

you are welcome dokta.

the choice is one you make daily, to End it. sometimes it is a choice you make minute by minute. It isnt a one time thing.

keep choosing to end it. it's only when you do that that you heal.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
hallelujah
Member
Member # 32283
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 29th (Tuesday)

I loved this post so much when I first read it. I copied it and read it over and over. It was the first time I really felt that someone knew what it was like to be a WS and to offer real advice for someone who wanted so badly to do the right thing. Thank you Maia - I love all of your posts.

Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2011
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 31st (Thursday)

you're welcome. I love your screen name.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 2nd (Saturday)

bump for wave


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, July 7th (Saturday)

bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6255 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 31st (Tuesday)

bump for lostone


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2595 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Bobcat5
New Member
Member # 35720
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)

Thank you for posting.


ME:50 BH:49
DD #1 09/11
DD #2 10/11
DD #3 1/12
DD #4 5/19/2012
DD #5 7/24/12 broke NC
M: 24 yrs 3 great kids
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2012
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, August 12th (Sunday)

Bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
hopelesshopeful
New Member
Member # 36533
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday)

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!


WW (me)
Married 15 years, 3 kids
LTA (EA/PA)
ended 6 months ago
NC except from FOm's BW
DDay for my BH 8/27/2012

Posts: 28 | Registered: Aug 2012
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, August 23rd (Thursday)

you're welcome.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
hallelujah
Member
Member # 32283
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)

Bump

Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2011
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 31st (Friday)

for snookie.

with prayers.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, September 22nd (Saturday)

Bump


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
snookie
Member
Member # 36569
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)

Thank you maia!!

Posts: 86 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: uk
sarahsorry812
New Member
Member # 36825
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, September 25th (Tuesday)

Maia -
I'm new to SI and have found it to be very helpful.

This is the first time I've seen this post - I can relate to many of the points you bring up. Thank you for the words of encouragement and the great advice.

SS


Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2012
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, October 2nd (Tuesday)

you are welcome.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, October 15th (Monday)

Bumping for a newbie.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2747 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, November 5th (Monday)

Bump for PinchMe.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, January 20th (Sunday)

time for a bump.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)

Bump for etaoin.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 28th (Monday)

Bump.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Nolimits
Member
Member # 38404
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, February 11th (Monday)

Thank you for this. I will have to read through it all again, perhaps daily, but it had me in tears and shaking. I was somehow under the impression that it was wrong to talk to anyone (even here) about some of those confusing feelings about OM. I feel like I've been cut open. For now I am looking around the room naming colors.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 31 in recovery for SA
Married 9 years
Both cheated before marriage
3 kids
Ddays #1 2006(EA), #2 9/31/12 (1monthPA), #3 02/04/13 (2yrEA turned PA during separation 9/12-1/13)

Remember the Tin Man found he had what he thought


Posts: 90 | Registered: Feb 2013
seluj61
New Member
Member # 38430
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)

I love this. Thank you so much. It's been over 3 years now and I have struggled but finally am getting to the point I am able to function in the present. The book The Four Agreements helped me. I have been Christian all of my life but it took diverting from that faith to find the peace I needed,

Thanks Maia.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Mid west
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, February 25th (Monday)

Bump


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

Bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Bump.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Feel so comforted reading this. Wish I would've read it 3 months ago.

Still very torn between "it was definately real" to "it was an escape from my issues and my M and a fantasy".

At this moment in time I am in the acceptance stage. Got here relatively quickly although I do miss him terribly at times.

My self-respect and dignity is what has helped me stay NC. I've held on to it for dear life.

We call it "withdrawal" as that's exactly what it is. It somehow feels like a piss take to call it a "broken heart" as that would insinuate that the A is being romanticised. All I can say is it really felt like a broken heart at the time.

I wish I could talk about him but I can't. Seems like no-one really has the time to listen. Perhaps I come across as a victim. The whole process is so painful because there's no healthy outlet due to the shame and taboo of it all. Understandably so.

You wanna hear the biggest irony. The only person I'd really love to talk to it about is my H. He is my best friend after all.

Never really felt comfortable enough to express this before.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Bump for luckyllama.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Thank you, knightsbff. This is a lot to read but I will read through it all over the next few days.

Trying33: It seems I am in a similar place as you. I have had many of the same thoughts and feelings.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 17th (Friday)

bump!


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

Trying and llama.

All of us have unlived lives. There is a well of desire and intention in us. That well is what you have to explore to heal. Don't be afraid of the pain. See it for what it is, a sign that there is something wrong. You and you alone have the power to find out what, and between you and that Life you are meant for? Is resistance.

Resistance can be internal or external. It can be an unverbalized thought, an echo really. "I can't change."

It can be a fight with a wounded,critical spouse that renders you hopeless.

It can be a trigger. A reminder of past failure. Those are the worst because along with it is shame.

You have to reject that stuff. All of it will cause anxiety and we turn to our addictions for solace. So that's why the new ways of soothing and getting help are so important. But knowing, "right now I am anxious and need love." Is much more hopeful than "I miss xAP"

It's ok. You do need real love. And it's your junkie mind that translates that need into this withdrawal. You need Life.

Peace


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
HowCouldI17
New Member
Member # 39293
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Thank you so much for this guide Maia! I'm lost in what to do and fear. this was offered to me by my amazingly compassionate wife. With this as inspiration, I have some great resources to start.
Sincerely,
HCI17


Me=WS
wife BS
2 Sons: 4, 9
Married 13, together 18
D-Day: 3/26/13, but really 5/20/13
[how long after ending A before I can call myself a "former" WS??? Maybe only I can answer that...]

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Bump for a new member


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

This is the most amazing post/guide - not just for my WH I think but for me in how I feel about him.

I am so impressed with what you went through and put together. I hope you are happy and doing well.

I don't think my M is going to survive H's EA that is over and he's stuck in depression and it took a year to get there!

Thank you for sharing this.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Really helpful information in this post.

"It is also important to recognize that we feed our addiction with our minds. It is a bitch. An alki has to go buy and drink the booze; a junky has to score and shoot the dope, all we have to do is replay the past or fantasize about the future.

The above quote will be my fortune cookie wisdom for today. It was a very big cookie!


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

bump


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1197 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 19th (Friday)

BUMP


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Bump


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
DeMinxed
New Member
Member # 40256
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I read this and a quarter of the way through it I started crying because it is the most relatable post I've read so far (I'm still a n00b). This post will be daily motivation for me on my long journey that lies ahead. Thank you so much for this. You have no idea how much this has helped me. Knowing that there is someone out there who knows exactly what I'm going through feels so exhilarating. It gives me strength and reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.

I have cleaned out my playlist and placed sticky notes on my computer screen! I'm just so ready to remove the rose colored glasses that I've perceived my AP through for so long. This helps more than you'll know.

Thank you again. Thank you forever.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, August 30th (Friday)

Bumping for a member.

Posts: 35393 | Registered: Mar 2011
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Bump for TheOtherWoman


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2595 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, September 27th (Friday)

bump


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Bump again


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
bookjunkie
Member
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, October 4th (Friday)

Bump for Lucy17


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 18th (Friday)

Bump


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

bumpity bump for lostinca


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, November 8th (Friday)

Every once in a while I login to see how you guys are.

And your replies make me really grateful.

peace.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
bookjunkie
Member
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)

Maia,

I just want to say "Thank You" for posting this. I have read it many times and today something clicked for me. It was this:

sow a thought reap an action. sow an action reap a habit. sow a habit reap a character. sow a character, reap a destiny.

I realized I was having alot of thoughts but no actions and I'd become stuck. So I got up off my butt and started to move.

Thanks again for this post. I don't know how I would be getting thru without this site.


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, November 25th (Monday)

Bump


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2755 | Registered: Oct 2012
finallyfree2011
Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, November 25th (Monday)

Finally saw this - bumping to read later


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013
hallelujah
Member
Member # 32283
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2011
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Bump for Lillibug


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Bump for stillkicking


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2755 | Registered: Oct 2012
hallelujah
Member
Member # 32283
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

bump for aLostSoul

Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2011
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Bumping for confused43


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5890 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
LovesLaboursLost
Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

bump for regrette


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Bump for newbies


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6255 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Bump for EMO


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6255 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Bump for Marriedman2013


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 19th (Saturday)

bump for Tdock


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
outtamymind
Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 16th (Monday)

Bumped for those who haven't seen this yet...


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 316 | Registered: Oct 2011
Wayflost
Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

Bump for dana47


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 399 | Registered: Dec 2013
JustWant2BHappy
New Member
Member # 43351
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

Wow - Thanks Maia. This is really wonderful and helpful. I also am printing it and reading it daily, it has given me strength today.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
DrJekyll
Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)

bump for tangledknot


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 628 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
ImSorry11
New Member
Member # 43517
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 5th (Saturday)

Bumping for Macsecond


Me: WW 31
Him: BH 34
DDay 5/23/14, 4 month EA/PA
Married 8 years Together 11
3 Beautiful Kiddos under 7

Posts: 42 | Registered: May 2014
Macsecond
Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 5th (Saturday)

Thank you!!

Still learningytonavig atethis forum . Is there a way for me to save threads or bookmark or flag them for myself ?


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married almost 14 years.
2 kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
outtamymind
Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Bump


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 316 | Registered: Oct 2011
tangledknot
Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Thank you for this bump. I saved this to a word document on my laptop a could weeks ago. I will read it again. Hopefully this sinks in soon.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2014
sorrowfulmate
Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

bump


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2014
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 11th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 11688 | Registered: Mar 2008
RMarred
Member
Member # 44242
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)

This is wonderful, Maia. Thank you.

Even though I truly am not missing OW one bit, I found this a very good read, for many of the other points it made!


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (SparrowSoul)
D-Day: 7/5/14

I was up above it. Now I'm down in it.


Posts: 98 | Registered: Jul 2014
SelfishHusband
Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)
MC and IC for 2.5 months-ish. Currently stopped.

Posts: 332 | Registered: Apr 2014
StartingFreshNow
Member
Member # 44224
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, September 24th (Wednesday)

Bumping


Me: WW
2 young kids
DDay - Dec 2013 (EA), TT
DDay 2 - Jul 28, 2014 (PA), TT
DDay 3 - end of Aug/beg of Sep 2014
(All the same A)

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 214